Third Side of the Story

[Reggie]

Oh please stop being a drama queen. You need a backbone not a shotgun.

 

Your wife is toxic, divorce her. Stop drinking, get a hooker, eat a **** load of icecream (go to the gym to work off said icecream) and listen to incredibly loud music. Mourn the end of the relationship and get your balls back. Take your life back from this sick situation. You are not a bad person just one that has been damaged by his marriage. Own that. See someone, talk it through. Don't try to convince a bunch of strangers that it's all her fault and she's a bad person. Perhaps it is and she sure sounds like it. That won't help you.

 

This is good advice. You need to end this and get therapy.

[whichwayisup]

nah, you guys win this time.

 

I quit.

 

You're right. It's all a bunch of BS. I'm nothing but full of BS. It's all my fault. I did every fracking thing in the book wrong and on top of that I tried to mislead all you fine intelligent people. Thanks for seeing through me. I've finally seen the light. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord. I'm saved.

 

Now I can just go kill myself.

 

What a help you were.

 

I told ya lastnight you should've stopped the drinking and done some yoga!

 

Ok, just take a deep breath and relax. If you choose to leave LS, then my advice to you is to please speak to a marriage counsellor and get help. You and your wife need this because the kid(s) are going to suffer with this fighting going on around them. THAT is who suffers most and should be put first right now.

[anne1707]

So is that the end of the Spanish Inquisition? Do you think thumbscrews were used?

 

Seriously, as soon as I started reading these threads I thought there was so much crap going on that there was no point contributing. Some really weird stuff is going on between these two and I don't think contributions from this forum help. V seems to take it as either complete 100% support for him or then claims anybody who disagrees is just not worth giving the time of day. His wife is constantly conradicting herself and I do not know whether that is because she is lying or because she feels forced to do so.

 

Either way, these people (or one person as has been suggested) needs professional help. Rather than feed the fire, lets leave them to it and just hope that if any children are involved then somebody responsible will take action. I think we should all just stop posting on threads started by V and his wife.

[sally4sara]

Stop feeding the animals folks!

[NoIDidn't]

What a sick, sick thread.

 

Who the hell asks their spouse to agree to an online inquisition?

 

Who the hell agrees to such?

 

Very twisted indeed.

 

These people (if anyone believes this to be more than one poster) respond to each other like a parent-child not marital relationship.

 

Sick.

[vnqsh2001]

So is that the end of the Spanish Inquisition? Do you think thumbscrews were used?

 

Seriously, as soon as I started reading these threads I thought there was so much crap going on that there was no point contributing. Some really weird stuff is going on between these two and I don't think contributions from this forum help. V seems to take it as either complete 100% support for him or then claims anybody who disagrees is just not worth giving the time of day. His wife is constantly conradicting herself and I do not know whether that is because she is lying or because she feels forced to do so.

 

Either way, these people (or one person as has been suggested) needs professional help. Rather than feed the fire, lets leave them to it and just hope that if any children are involved then somebody responsible will take action. I think we should all just stop posting on threads started by V and his wife.

I felt indignation and a desire to clear up the issues people had been asking me about thanks to her. You're right, maybe I should not care what other people think, but I couldn't help it since I was in such an emotionally vulnerable state already. She had agreed to come on here and simply tell the truth. I just started asking a lot of questions. Due to her limited language skills, she did not elaborate beyond the questions I asked. Her own dark and self-abusive personality also made it seem like I was the one being abusive of her; not to mention the fact that I asked questions on rather bizarre subjects. This really wasn't supposed to be the question and answer session it turned into. I apologize to those who are offended by that.

 

Yes, she contradicts herself. Am I using coercion to get her to do that? You know, that reminds me of the time a former girlfriend of mine tripped over something and fell on the stairs. I was in another room, talking on the phone at the time. I took her to the hospital ER. Nobody once said anything about abuse. We both simply told what happened and I was just trying to be helpul and concerned by taking her to see a doctor. Everyone nodded their heads and gave me the dirtiest looks you can possibly imagine.They whispered to each other as I passed them in the hallways. I hadn't done anything close to what they imagined and yet I was as guilty as sin in their eyes just because there are b@st@rds in the world who will do that sort of thing.

[vnqsh2001]

I shouldn't care. I should be able to let it roll off me like water on a duck. Really, what other choice do I have anyway? But it's really not fair. It makes me mad.

[vnqsh2001]

But life isn't fair, is it? It's a b!+ch and then you die.

 

By the way, I am not at all upset that people disagree with me. What I'm upset about is being judged as a liar and abuser based on zero proof and lies, which she herself contradicted on her own and other people began to fabricate after that. I'm a little sick of people telling me that the truth sounds like BS for no real reason than they want to think that.

 

Where is the helpful nature and encouraging spirit of this site? I sure don't see it.

[atwitsend]

vnqsh, I think things were kind of messed up by this agreement. Anytime a woman or man says that you can mess around, is a woman or a man who will mess around. Don't trust her ever again (if you stay married). She is a spiteful woman who believes she is entitled to hurt and betray you...... Of course only when she gets bored.

[Owl]

Here's the thing.

 

Your line of 'questioning' wasn't the least bit oriented towards resolving anything.

 

There was no real 'work' being done...absolutely nothing beneficial in what was going on.

 

If you want to heal...if you want your marriage to heal...stop with this kind of theatrics, and start focusing your effort on actually working to FIX things.

 

You guys clearly need some kind of professional counseling...or a good set of divorce lawyers.

 

Your time and energy would be FAR, FAR better spent focusing on those options rather than play the 20 questions game here...as I said...no value in it.

 

If you want to recover...then start really working towards that.

 

If you want to divorce...then start really working towards that.

 

Don't waste your time/effort/money on anything that doesn't meet your goals.

[serial muse]

But life isn't fair, is it? It's a b!+ch and then you die.

 

By the way, I am not at all upset that people disagree with me. What I'm upset about is being judged as a liar and abuser based on zero proof and lies, which she herself contradicted on her own and other people began to fabricate after that. I'm a little sick of people telling me that the truth sounds like BS for no real reason than they want to think that.

 

Where is the helpful nature and encouraging spirit of this site? I sure don't see it.

 

Look, people aren't here to be yes-men; they're here to try to understand your troubles and help you through them. But you started off by not telling the truth - in your original post you made it sound as though your wife just cheated on you in a vacuum, and that is not at all what happened. People took it at face value; they trusted that what you told was the simple truth and tried to offer you support based on your story. But there was a lot more to it than that.

 

If you'd come here and said, "I've got this messed-up agreement with my wife, I thought she was okay with it but she obviously wasn't because despite telling me I could have other women, she got angry and bitter and hurt and slept with her ex-boyfriend for revenge. We're both at fault for various things - I knew she was hurt but continued on with the agreement because I didn't want to stop, and instead of being honest with me about her feelings she lied but then took a cruel revenge that really hurt me. So now what do I do?" - I think you'd have seen things go a bit differently. People would give you a hard time about the agreement, and there are still a lot of questions there about how you didn't know that the person you live with was really struggling with her pain over it. But given the basic info, the responses here would turn to the heart of your problem and hopefully try to help. But you didn't do that, you omitted a really KEY PART OF YOUR STORY and look where that got you.

 

People lie and evade on here all the time; it's the beauty of the internet that you can say whatever you want with no one the wiser. But being angry at your wife for busting you in your evasiveness - however crappily she did it - doesn't really seem to me to be very constructive, since the fact is, you were being evasive. It's hard to have sympathy for you in that situation.

 

She may be a crazy person and she may be the source of all your marital troubles - but somehow, I think you also do your fair share of contributing to the craziness in your relationship, and based on the comments from BOTH of you on this here board, I think you're a LOT less likely to own up to it. In your posts, you come off as rather smug and self-satisfied. Which is not only off-putting, it suggests you aren't interested in an honest evaluation of what's gone wrong in your marriage, but only in telling us repeatedly that whatever it is, it's all your wife's fault. (This despite saying in multiple posts that you are not interested in placing blame...but then telling us how nuts she is and how it's all her fault and she ruins everything.)

 

The truth is, I don't think it's at all clear what to believe of your story, and I don't think that's just because she came on here to post and ruin it for you. I think you've done a fine job of undermining your own story. If you'd been up front and more self-aware from the start, you might have found a warmer response. That's generally how it works. We're just a bunch of strangers but nobody would be offering advice if they didn't care; people want to be encouraging. However, nobody really wants to type out a whole bunch of heartfelt stuff and then find out they've been snowed. Respect works both ways.

 

Anyway, good luck to you; the nearly unanimous advice has been marital counseling and I'll agree with it. Think about it.

[Lishy]

Wow

 

This thread was something else!

 

OP, I hate to say this but you need to get some therapy and I am not talking about marriage councelling!

 

I do not know you at all but just from this thread alone I see a very controlling and childish person in you - You start by asking your wife to make herself the bad guy and you the saint and then when you do not hear what you want to from other posters, you threaten to shoot yourself! WTF!

 

Your wife seems very passive and you seem very aggressive

 

You need some help and quick!

 

ps ... If your wife really does enjoy hurting others for attention as you both claim, then dont bother trying, just get out!

[vnqsh2001]

- I think you'd have seen things go a bit differently. People would give you a hard time about the agreement, and there are still a lot of questions there about how you didn't know that the person you live with was really struggling with her pain over it. But given the basic info, the responses here would turn to the heart of your problem and hopefully try to help. But you didn't do that, you omitted a really KEY PART OF YOUR STORY and look where that got you.

 

Actually, I told the truth, and I have not seen things go differently. I have seen people willing to make assumptions, accusation, and contradictions because they simply want to attack me based on their limited understanding and personal experiences. I told exactly the way it was, though I've gone more in depth now than I really wanted to in the beginning. Can you really blame me for holding back a little? It's a complicated story, so I tried to stick to what I thought was the heart of it; namely, the part that was hurting me.

 

Also, take a look at my previous posts again:

 

One day, she caught me flirting with her sister. She got extremely angry over this and her reaction surprised me a bit.... Looking back, I think her angry reaction was fueled by her own desire to do something bad. I think she was looking for an excuse to have an affair. ... The only satisfaction she claims to have gotten from that experience was from the idea that she had gotten her "revenge" on me....As for why .... the answer is complicated. One can rarely get a single, clear answer for a question like this. I think the main reason is that she just wanted to have some fun and feel attractive again. She also felt I hadn't been giving her enough attention outside of the bedroom. She had begun to feel very selfish and resentful of me. She used her anger to justify her actions.....Yes, it was wrong (for me to mess around with her sister). But it doesn't explain everything.... No, I wasn't seeking revenge at that time. I didn't do it to hurt her. If I did hurt her, it was quite by accident and I tried to apologize for it.... Yes, I understand that this affair happened largely because of a weakness in our ability to communicate with each other. I totally agree with that. But it's not like I haven't been trying....(Also, correct me if I am wrong, but I do think that hitting on her sister was a catalyst.) No, you are right. I am not trying to absolve myself of any blame. It was a catalyst, but it wasn't the start of our problems as she made it out to be.... This whole affair got me thinking about my own behavior and the things I had done wrong.....I think that if I do stay with her, she and I will need to sit down and clearly define what our marriage should be from now on. Perhaps we need to redefine things a little better..... What my wife wanted was something to justify her behavior. She needed something to cover the guilt. She wanted to do something fun, but at the same time horrible..... The problem was that she had grievances, but she gave up on trying to communicate them. She decided to act out on them instead, which only messed things up further.....Maybe Amerikajin is right then. Maybe we should work out a more swinging arrangement. Maybe I won't feel like I was so cheated then.....

 

"I thought she was okay with it but she obviously wasn't because despite telling me I could have other women, she got angry and bitter and hurt and slept with her ex-boyfriend for revenge. We're both at fault for various things - I knew she was hurt but continued on with the agreement because I didn't want to stop, and instead of being honest with me about her feelings she lied but then took a cruel revenge that really hurt me. So now what do I do?"

 

The thing you still don't realize is this: my wife was not really hurt by my actions as she led people to believe. She was the one being misleading on this matter, not me. She never got upset for months the way I am. She never cried or carried on in any way that expressed real pain. The longest she was upset with me was a day and a half, and that is because she wanted all the attention from me she could get; not because she was wounded. She felt upset that I didn't give her as much attention as she wanted. It was all about attention! She wanted more attention and felt jealous of anyone or anything that took that attention from her.

 

She never had any reason to be upset about other things, due to our agreement. I never lied to her about anything I did. I never did anything purposely to hurt hurt her at all. My wife got on this forum and simply exaggerated everything (as is her habit), but nobody wants to believe that despite how evasive and self-contradictory SHE has been.

 

I did not simply continue with our agreement because I was selfish. There was more to it than that. You see, despite showing displeasure for a brief moment, she would then reverse that and give me the green light again soon after. In fact, she would encourage that things go back to the way they had been. It's difficult to describe how she flip-flops on her own opinions. The thing is that even now, she is not angry with me. She is perfectly happy with me as her husband. She told me that herself. Well, she is still a little uncomfortable with the fact that I touched her sister, but even that has been somewhat forgotten. I am the one who is really hurting over all this. She is not in pain. Right now, she is sleeping peacefully. I am the one who can't sleep.

 

People lie and evade on here all the time; it's the beauty of the internet that you can say whatever you want with no one the wiser. But being angry at your wife for busting you in your evasiveness - however crappily she did it - doesn't really seem to me to be very constructive, since the fact is, you were being evasive. It's hard to have sympathy for you in that situation.

 

You're right. It's the beauty of the internet, and also the curse when you try to be honest and ask for advice on a complex matter.

 

Am I being evasive because I didn't explain every little detail? How is it possible to explain everything that happened in my life without writing an autobiography? You think I should have given more details. Ok, fine. What is wrong with giving more information as we go along? Am I really wrong for not telling every little thing as clearly as possible from the very start? Isn't it rather normal to avoid subjects you feel a little uncomfortable with and omit certain information you feel isn't relavant to your own progress?

 

My wife didn't "bust" me. She just lied and misled people, which forced me to reveal more facts than I had initially intended to discuss. She did that, not because she was here to deal with any pain, but because she has a great deal of pride. She felt upset that she was being insulted for her own bad behavior. She took that personally, as if I were the one making those insults. So she lashed out by posting a bunch of lies; which weren't helpful to anyone any more than poking a stick into a hornets' nest.

 

She may be a crazy person and she may be the source of all your marital troubles - but somehow, I think you also do your fair share of contributing to the craziness in your relationship, and based on the comments from BOTH of you on this here board, I think you're a LOT less likely to own up to it. In your posts, you come off as rather smug and self-satisfied. Which is not only off-putting, it suggests you aren't interested in an honest evaluation of what's gone wrong in your marriage, but only in telling us repeatedly that whatever it is, it's all your wife's fault. (This despite saying in multiple posts that you are not interested in placing blame...but then telling us how nuts she is and how it's all her fault and she ruins everything.)

 

That "smugness" you perceive is due to my anger and pain. Anger is defensive, is it not? I realize that this is not an attractive quality. Difficulties sometimes bring out the ugliness in people, do they not? When I am calm, I am much more reasonable and down to earth than you may realize. I'm curious as to why you think I am less likely to own up to my blame or responsibilities. Is there something that suggests this or are you just saying that for no reason?

 

I said that it is all her fault? Really? I don't recall that at all. Hmm. If I did in fact say that (and I'm not saying I didn't, knowing my temper), are you sure you aren't taking that out of context? Perhaps I was merely pointing out that she was to blame for the confusion and wave of negativity I now receieve from those on this forum. After all, she didn't have to get online and start posting a bunch of lies; or anything at all, for that matter. I doubt that comment meant she is literally the only one at fault in our entire relationship. Can you give some better idea as to what you are referring?

 

Yes, I contribute to the craziness in my relationship. She and I are very similar people. In fact, I can't say anything about her without recognizing that I usually display the same characteristics. We share much in common. That's why we love each other so much.

 

As for figuring out what's gone wrong in my marriage .... She and I know the answers to that far better than anyone here. I'm not looking for people to point out where we went wrong and I certainly haven't been asking.

 

The truth is, I don't think it's at all clear what to believe of your story, and I don't think that's just because she came on here to post and ruin it for you. I think you've done a fine job of undermining your own story.

 

In what way? Nothing I've said is contradictory or incongruent. I just didn't give all the details at once. Are you sure it's me that has been undermining my story? Are you sure it hasn't been other people's judgmental natures, skepticism, and inability to truly relate to a situation that is unique? Hmm. I will give this some thought though. Seriously. I'm not being sarcastic.

 

If you'd been up front and more self-aware from the start, you might have found a warmer response. That's generally how it works. We're just a bunch of strangers but nobody would be offering advice if they didn't care; people want to be encouraging.

 

You see, this is where I really disagree with you. Even before my wife got on here spreading lies, there were people expressing a lot of negative opinions that weren't really encouraging. A lot of those were about my wife, and I didn't appreciate those comments any more than I've appreciated the negative reactions toward me. People don't want to be encouraging. It's far easier to pick at the faults of others; even the imaginary ones.

 

However, nobody really wants to type out a whole bunch of heartfelt stuff and then find out they've been snowed. Respect works both ways.

 

Or if they just think they might have been snowed. Unfortunately, it doesn't really matter if they were or not, does it? That's why I'm angry at my wife for getting on here and doing that.

 

Anyway, good luck to you; the nearly unanimous advice has been marital counseling and I'll agree with it. Think about it.

 

I will.

[vnqsh2001]

Wow

 

This thread was something else!

 

OP, I hate to say this but you need to get some therapy and I am not talking about marriage councelling!

 

I do not know you at all but just from this thread alone I see a very controlling and childish person in you - You start by asking your wife to make herself the bad guy and you the saint and then when you do not hear what you want to from other posters, you threaten to shoot yourself! WTF!

 

Your wife seems very passive and you seem very aggressive

 

You need some help and quick!

 

ps ... If your wife really does enjoy hurting others for attention as you both claim, then dont bother trying, just get out!

 

I admit, I did come off as being aggressive and angry. But she is like that too, you just don't see that from your side of the computer screen. Also, I have been stressed out recently and drinking much more than I should. Negative aspects of my personality have been surfacing. Since this is one of the first impressions of me you have gotten, I suppose it's easy for you to classify me the way you have; with an unlikelihood you will see me otherwise. You know what they say about first impressions.

 

Oh, yes. I admit I am not a completely balanced individual. I've got some problems. My personality sometimes goes from one extreme to the other, which is not all bad. My wife also has similar problems and I sometimes think that we love each other so much because we share the same "craziness."

 

In this exchange between my wife and I , I do sound very aggressive because I am angry. I had also been drinking throughout the day. She was not angry at the time at all. In fact, she was being very nice because she wanted to help me calm down. I appreciate how sweet she was being and how honest she was. I want to thank her for coming on this thread and doing what she did, though it didn't make either one of us look good.

 

She is in fact, not as entirely passive as this thread would make you believe. I also cannot believe how passive she sounded once I read it later. It doesn't sound like her normal reaction. Now that I think about it, I realize that sometimes she can be extremely passive and sweet when she wants to diffuse a situation or get something she wants. I admit, this actually kind of turns me on. Keep in mind, she can be extremely vindictive and temperamental as well. There IS an aggressive side that she displays all to often. Also, keep in mind that her ability to communicate with the English written word is somewhat limited and awkward for her.

 

She made herself out to be the bad guy, not because I asked her to do that. She did it because she wanted to do that. She likes to put herself down and take things to an extreme level, despite how much I advise her not to do that. Sure, I wasn't trying to stop her this time, but that's because I upset.

 

The other reason she made herself out to be the bad guy is because she knows she really does carry blame in this matter and wants to accept the responsibility for it in order to show remorse and make me feel better. So, she wasn't holding anything back and was completely honest about things. I appreciate that. Again, I thank her for showing some real remorse. That's more than a lot of partners get from their spouses. I hope I can offer her the same respect and honesty she has finally given me.

 

Some of the things she said sounded pretty horrible. Nevertheless, they were true and I feel that the only way we are going to make progress is by dealing with real issues.

 

She got real sadistic pleasure from hurting me. I'm not saying I'm going to love her less for that. Like I said, we share a certain "craziness" that intensifies our love. I can work on trying to forgive her for that and find ways to avoid it in the future. I know she has faults, as do we all. I have mine, we just didn't discuss them due to the question and answer nature of the exchange. Again, that wasn't my intention, but that's how it turned out, for reasons beyond my absolute control.

 

Later that night, she and I had a long chat. We had a nice discussion and I calmed down for the first time in days. There may be some hope yet.

[vnqsh2001]

Here's the thing.

 

Your line of 'questioning' wasn't the least bit oriented towards resolving anything.

 

There was no real 'work' being done...absolutely nothing beneficial in what was going on.

 

If you want to heal...if you want your marriage to heal...stop with this kind of theatrics, and start focusing your effort on actually working to FIX things.

 

You guys clearly need some kind of professional counseling...or a good set of divorce lawyers.

 

Your time and energy would be FAR, FAR better spent focusing on those options rather than play the 20 questions game here...as I said...no value in it.

 

If you want to recover...then start really working towards that.

 

If you want to divorce...then start really working towards that.

 

Don't waste your time/effort/money on anything that doesn't meet your goals.

Here's the thing from my viewpoint.

My line of questioning was more beneficial to the both of us than you realize and did in fact resolves some issues we had. Both of us feel better having clearly defined the way things really were.

 

If there was no benefit, then why do we both feel so much better toward each other? Why do I feel calmer and less likely to lash out now?

 

That was an effort to fix things. The thing that is preventing real progress between us at this point is our previous inability to agree on what was really going on. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, we feel better prepared to deal with the emotions it has raised.

 

Perhaps for some people or some other couples there would be no value in what we have been doing. But I'll be the first to admit they we are unique individuals with a unique relationship. If you guys want to say this is frakked up, that's ok with me. I don't care. All I know is that the previous six years with her have been the happiest of my entire life. I'm not about to give up just because we hit a bump in the road.

[vnqsh2001]

It all boils down to this. There's a lot more going on and a lot more to this relationship than you people realized. You're just quick to jump to conclusions. That's all I'm saying.

 

If you really want to help, then listen with an open mind, because this relationship is not of the run of the mill variety.

[vnqsh2001]

Anyway, good luck to you; the nearly unanimous advice has been marital counseling and I'll agree with it. Think about it.

 

Yes, I've considered it, but it seems she is not entirely open to that option. Also, I'm not sure how much it could really help. Based on the reactions that people have been giving on this forum, I question how understanding anyone can be of this unique situation. I may be wrong, but it's the impression I get.

[soserious1]

Lemmie see if I'm understanding this.. you have permission to be sexual with other women and you've used that permission, including making advances on your wife's sister?

 

Why then is your wife boffing somebody else such a big deal? why are you on here going on as if somebody shot your favorite hunting dog? Just declare your marriage to be an open marriage and be done with or decide that you don't want to be married to this woman anymore and get a divorce ?

 

What is it exactly that you want from people here ? You seem to be trying really,really hard to get everybody here to say that your wife is a horrible,horrible person and that you are a wounded innocent victim.

 

I say that you're 2 people in a dysfunctional marriage who need to see a marriage counselor to hash out all your options and that whatever exercise it is that you're doing here on loveshack is just hurting your situation even more, not helping to heal or repair anything.

 

If everything I've read here is true... your biggest issue is this..you have a wife who admits that she enjoys causing other people,including you pain... yet in many ways you also come across in writing like the Dom in a

Dominant/submissive relationship. You guys got issues best suited to the professionals imho.

[Dexter Morgan]

I wasnt 100 sure,But i thought it might be good for us.it might a good option for you, and you can feel i love you and i can think about your feeling.Cause i dont trust man can 100 faithful to a woman.

 

 

Ok, I've heard enough. So all of this "freedom" talk, which you obviously initiated, was because you don't trust men?

 

So because you think men can't be faithful, you cheat on your husband?

 

Well believe me, men CAN be 100% faithful. We are out there.

 

Just own up to what you wanted and quit making excuses. Don't try to justify your cheating because of what you think men want. This is what you wanted and you tried to get your husband to agree to this idea of "freedom" because of YOUR desires.

 

 

Since like that,Why not make you happy?

 

Again, and as evidenced by your husband's responses, this wasn't about him, this was about what YOU wanted to do. By telling him there should be some freedom in the marriage, if he agreed, that would give you the green light to cheat.

 

 

So,i dont know whether its really wanted this relationship be like or not.But i thought its really ok to me

yes,I did express it i think. cause after i thought it should be ok with me, then i expressed sure

Just for fun is fine

 

Excuse me for asking.......but what???

[Dexter Morgan]

Do you think the fact that you were fooling with other guys around influenced your decision to offer this agreement?

 

And your wife's answer was that yes, it prompted her to offer you this agreement. Why? Because she was already fooling around on you and felt the need to make up this excuse that all men cheat, so she was doing this for YOU. ya right.

 

So are you now seeing why I advise divorce?

[Dexter Morgan]

i felt that was interesting and pretty excited and feel some pleasure my heart to know that hurting you.

 

BOOM, nuff said.

 

V, there is a curb out there and her butt needs to be on it.

[vnqsh2001]

Why then is your wife boffing somebody else such a big deal? why are you on here going on as if somebody shot your favorite hunting dog? Just declare your marriage to be an open marriage and be done with or decide that you don't want to be married to this woman anymore and get a divorce ?

 

Umm, because, for one thing, it wasn't deemed as an open marriage. She promised that she wasn't going to have sex with her ex ever again. She lied and kept secrets from me.

 

Anyway, the sex part is just an extra thing to confuse my emotions, which I'm still trying to sort out. It's confused me a great deal. The number one concern on my list is that she did something specifically to hurt me even though I expressly and clearly asked her not to do something like that just to hurt me. I asked her to keep the communication between us flowing. She did not.

 

No, she still does not want an open marriage. I've asked her that question many times again, as I did before. She wants to go back to the way things were before this incident. Can you understand?

 

What is it exactly that you want from people here ? You seem to be trying really,really hard to get everybody here to say that your wife is a horrible,horrible person and that you are a wounded innocent victim.

 

Is that a rhetorical question? Obviously, nobody here can really give me anything. What I'm trying to do is just type out my thoughts, sort out my emotions (due to the confusion that arose), and cope with the pain; which, justified or not, is still there.

 

I say that you're 2 people in a dysfunctional marriage who need to see a marriage counselor to hash out all your options and that whatever exercise it is that you're doing here on loveshack is just hurting your situation even more, not helping to heal or repair anything.

 

You could be right, but I'm not entirely convinced yet.

 

If everything I've read here is true... your biggest issue is this..you have a wife who admits that she enjoys causing other people,including you pain... yet in many ways you also come across in writing like the Dom in a

Dominant/submissive relationship. You guys got issues best suited to the professionals imho.

 

And I admit I can be domineering and aggressive at times. Especially when I feel indignant or that I'm being disrespected. But I also think that this particular thread is not entirely representative of who I am or what goes on. I disagree that she is entirely submissive, though she sometimes takes on that role to appease or get what she wants.

 

My wife is not a humble servant, if that's what you're starting to believe. She's nobody's slave. She describes herself as a feminist at heart but believes that women should be raised to an even higher status than men due to the years of oppression they have suffered. I cannot think of the proper word to describe that at the moment. Does anybody know the term?

[soserious1]

Umm, because, for one thing, it wasn't deemed as an open marriage. She promised that she wasn't going to have sex with her ex ever again. She lied and kept secrets from me.

 

Anyway, the sex part is just an extra thing to confuse my emotions, which I'm still trying to sort out. It's confused me a great deal. The number one concern on my list is that she did something specifically to hurt me even though I expressly and clearly asked her not to do something like that just to hurt me. I asked her to keep the communication between us flowing. She did not.

 

No, she still does not want an open marriage. I've asked her that question many times again, as I did before. She wants to go back to the way things were before this incident. Can you understand?

 

 

 

Is that a rhetorical question? Obviously, nobody here can really give me anything. What I'm trying to do is just type out my thoughts, sort out my emotions (due to the confusion that arose), and cope with the pain; which, justified or not, is still there.

 

 

 

You could be right, but I'm not entirely convinced yet.

 

 

 

And I admit I can be domineering and aggressive at times. Especially when I feel indignant or that I'm being disrespected. But I also think that this particular thread is not entirely representative of who I am or what goes on. I disagree that she is entirely submissive, though she sometimes takes on that role to appease or get what she wants.

 

My wife is not a humble servant, if that's what you're starting to believe. She's nobody's slave. She describes herself as a feminist at heart but believes that women should be raised to an even higher status than men due to the years of oppression they have suffered. I cannot think of the proper word to describe that at the moment. Does anybody know the term?

 

 

What I'm thinking is that you and your wife are in some sort of dom/submissive relationship.. that you each get some sort of sexual charge from your shared "crazies" .

 

I also suspect that the 2 of you are posting here as an extension of your shared "crazies" basically using the folks here at Loveshack as part of your

sexual routine.

[vnqsh2001]

Just for fun is fine

 

Excuse me for asking.......but what???

 

What she meant was that she expressed the idea that it was ok for me to do things outside our marriage "just for fun." Anything that threatened the amount of time or attention I gave to her was not ok. Anything that was more "serious" that might threaten my desire to stay married to her was also strictly forbidden. So any time she felt upset with me was actually due to the fact that she perceived I was violating one of these rules. In my defense, I can only say that it was not always clear what she was perceiving. I also did not always wish to spend as much time with her as she desired, though I should have paid more attention to that aspect more carefully. The reason was that I felt I needed time away from her constant demands and manipulative behavior, because I felt the stess was a little too much for me to handle.

 

After she calmed down, she would say that everything was ok. She would say that I should "just not do it so much or too often."

[soserious1]

What she meant was that she expressed the idea that it was ok for me to do things outside our marriage "just for fun." Anything that threatened the amount of time or attention I gave to her was not ok. Anything that was more "serious" that might threaten my desire to stay married to her was also strictly forbidden. So any time she felt upset with me was actually due to the fact that she perceived I was violating one of these rules. In my defense, I can only say that it was not always clear what she was perceiving. I also did not always wish to spend as much time with her as she desired, though I should have paid more attention to that aspect more carefully. The reason was that I felt I needed time away from her constant demands and manipulative behavior, because I felt the stess was a little too much for me to handle.

 

After she calmed down, she would say that everything was ok. She would say that I should "just not do it so much or too often."

 

 

Is your wife Asian? if so being indirect is normal..direct expressions of deep anger aren't usual, nor is the indication of a strong preference. Her getting upset and needing to "calm down" is pretty good indication to me that she's not happy with this.. she won't forbid it.. but she wants you to actively chose to be faithful..

 

Do you want the freedom to continue to be allowed to boff other women ? yes or no? Do you enjoy knowing that it bothers and upsets her,do you get a sexual thrill from that aspect of things?