Third Side of the Story

[vnqsh2001]

See that's where I think "reconciliation" - as in getting back to the way things were before the affair - is not the only work to be done. If that's all you do, then you're potentially right back to the conditions that set up the affair/betrayal/breaking the agreement in the first place. If you really want to heal, you have to decide to reconcile, and then also commit to doing the work to get to those deeper issues. I think that in most cases, treating an affair as a "one time mistake," and just gritting your teeth and moving on, is itself a mistake

 

Just like the cheating spouse who says "oh my affair had nothing to do with the marriage..." is BS, I think for you to claim to compartmentalize your current depression apart from the marriage and your wife's infidelity is an act of denial that will hinder you from getting to the root of the real things that are broken deeper down.

 

You seem to think the only "problem" is that she broke your agreement. I say that a moment, an hour, a day before she broke the agreement, some deeper marital pathology had already been in existence for some time that paved the way to breaking it. That's the issue you will never get to if you just say "we're over it and moving on and my depression is now my problem."

You're absolutely right. I'm not saying we are just being peaceful with each other either. We have been talking about A LOT of things and really trying to get to the root of problems. We both seem to think that we've gotten to the heart of a lot of key issues that came into play during and before her affair. We're both willing to continue working hard to fix the problems in our relationship; not just cover it up and move on. We're trying to make sure something like this never happens again and making some real progress in our marriage. My depression is a hindrance to that process right now; that's all I'm saying.

 

Ok, after all that thoughtful (I think...) advice, I hope you'll bear with me while I switch gears and go postal on your azz here for a minute. We're not sitting here at your feet, having eagerly paid for our tickets to listen to you, and waiting desperately for you to appear on stage and grace us with your story. Either share or don't, that's fine, but I'm not going to beg you to bare your soul.

I'm sorry if that's the way it sounded to you, but that really wasn't the way I intended it to sound. I don't expect anyone to beg for anything. I don't think I am doing people a favor by talking about my problems. That would be silly. I'm just sick of people insulting me and accusing me of things they have no way of knowing. People like that don't really dignify a response, nor do I wish to share anything with them. Why should one bare his soul if all that's going to happen is he will be attacked by a pack of vicious wolves? It is the people who seem to get a thrill out of attacking others at the slightest perceived (misconceived) provocation that I address.

 

It's up to you - but the response you get will correspond to the information you provide. If there's something "more to your pain" than you've revealed, and it's pertinent, then you've just cut off your own nose to spite your face by holding it back. So, all due respect, I suggest you don't lecture everyone else to calm down, as if hearing the final, actual, real, honest-to-goodness-now truth will be the treat you will pull out of your pocket as a reward for our good behavior.

Again, you're blowing what I said out of proportion. Those weren't my actual words, nor were they my intention. Please accept that you are exaggerating just a bit, but I do offer my apologies if that's the way you perceived my message. Yes, I realize that the response I get will correspond to the information I provide. All was going just fine until my wife got on here and started providing a lot of misinformation as well as discussing issues I would rather leave well enough alone. That's when the trouble began and the response was not equal to the information I provided. It was unbalanced and somewhat rude.

 

In regard to the information I did not want to discuss originally, how many people out there would enjoy having another person suddenly air your dirty laundry ..... and in a misleading fashion to boot? Aren't there things we would all rather not talk about now and then? Do you feel it is fair to be forced to talk about those things at inopportune times? And because I didn't wish to share this information, I am being judged?

 

To reiterate: this is an internet forum. If you're willing to subject yourself to that, you need to be ready to get a mixed bag, the full spectrum from hostility to empathy, and possibly some jewels too. If you need reliable help that you can be confident will be steady, reasoned, and professional, and ONLY that (and I repeat that I believe you do...) then you will need to get over your discomfort at seeking out that help professionally.

Does it seem like I'm not ready to face that? If I weren't, I wouldn't log in. I wouldn't still be typing responses. I wouldn't bother reading what I cannot face. I'm facing it, handling it, and dealing with it the best I can. Those of you with helpful information, I thank you sincerely. But those of you full of spite and hostility ..... those of you who seem to be entertained by conflict ...... sorry, but why should I welcome your presence? Just because this is a public internet forum? No, I don't think so. I still have the right to discourage your involvement and dislike your maliciousness. No one has to just sit at their keyboard and submit themselves to verbal abuse.

[vnqsh2001]

vnqsh:

So you are depressed as a result of your wife's "little game". Did a medical doctor diagnose you? if yes, are you on medication? if you are on medication, perhaps you should wait and give those meds some time to work-it takes a few weeks, sometimes a month to see some changes. If you have not seen a medical doctor, I suggest that you go see one, so you can get chemical help. Do not get frustrated though, sometimes, it would take a few tries for your doctor to figure out what meds work best for you.

 

Perhaps when the chemicals in your brain are balanced and you feel better, your problems, albeit still there, (they won't disappear just because you feel better), you are better able to handle the realities and the consequences of whatever transpired in your marriage. It is difficult to try and solve problems when you are consumed with anger,sadness, unable to eat, unable to sleep, etc.etc. So fix what can be fixed by meds, then fix the other issues when you can think clearly or , at least, clearer.

 

I know all about these things. This isn't the first time I've been depressed. It's something that has happened to me for long periods of my life in the past. What I'm going through now actually seems pretty mild in comparison. There were times I had to check into a hospital for a month or so in order to deal with the severity of it.

 

You're right, I've been frustrated with meds. They don't seem to have much of an effect on me, so I don't know why people always swear by them. Perhaps I should get a doctor to prescribe something different and give it another try though.

[Trimmer]

You're absolutely right. I'm not saying we are just being peaceful with each other either. We have been talking about A LOT of things and really trying to get to the root of problems. We both seem to think that we've gotten to the heart of a lot of key issues that came into play during and before her affair. We're both willing to continue working hard to fix the problems in our relationship; not just cover it up and move on. We're trying to make sure something like this never happens again and making some real progress in our marriage. My depression is a hindrance to that process right now; that's all I'm saying.

Well, that sounds generally good, on the marital front, then. In your perception, is she being supportive and do you feel she understands your current struggle with the depression?

 

Have the two of you resolved her posting the misleading information? I'm not really looking to rehash it or put anyone on trial or declare a verdict here, but I'm only asking: do you feel you have you resolved it between the two of you? Is the motivation that led to that happening one of the things you've been exploring together?

 

People like that don't really dignify a response, nor do I wish to share anything with them. Why should one bare his soul if all that's going to happen is he will be attacked by a pack of vicious wolves? It is the people who seem to get a thrill out of attacking others at the slightest perceived (misconceived) provocation that I address.

I hear you - my only suggestion is don't even address them, then. Move forward.

 

Again, you're blowing what I said out of proportion. Those weren't my actual words, nor were they my intention. Please accept that you are exaggerating just a bit...

Accepted.

 

It probably helps that I haven't read the other threads, nor anything posted by your wife, so I'm going mostly on what's in this thread, taking you at face value here.

 

Does it seem like I'm not ready to face that? If I weren't, I wouldn't log in.... I'm facing it, handling it, and dealing with it the best I can.

Well, it didn't sound like you were dealijng with it very well when you threatened to put a shotgun to your skull and end your life, on the basis of what others were posting. That response seemed quite out of balance with the situation.

 

What I'm saying is if you look to the internet for help, you're going to get an uncontrolled, mixed bag. If that's likely to exacerbate your situation (as in: losing your perspective and considering killing yourself...) you should turn off the computer and think about getting help in a more controlled, professional environment.

[serial muse]

Edit: never mind, not worth the energy. Carry on.

[Dexter Morgan]

What people need to understand is this:

 

Even though I disagree with the claim that I am simply trying to avoid my responsibility for what happened, that is beside the point. The fact is that I'm not here to blame or be blamed. I was simply here to talk about my feelings now that her affair has occurred.

 

You say I don't have a right to be hurt?

 

No, saying you have no right to complain.

 

 

Ok. You can have that opinion. But that doesn't magically erase my pain.

 

If I was in pain over a significant others cheating, the LAST thing I'd do is agree to an open marriage. I know, you keep saying that isn't what you agreed to, but it is.

 

So let me put it this way, the LAST thing I'd do is agree to an offer from the betrayer that I have more freedom to do the same.

Why would I lower myself to that level? If someone caused me that much pain, the last thing I'd want is to be with them, not agree to some offer so that she can absolve her guilt if she thinks you are cheating too.

 

 

So what I'm trying to do is get some advice on how to deal and cope with this pain. Understand?

 

Yup, and thats why I said divorce her. She isn't going to change and she will always cheat. She offered you the freedom to cheat for petes sake so that she could still do it or at least feel less guilty for doing it.

 

But you aren't going to cope with your feelings by taking her asinine offer.

 

If you are hell bent on staying with this wh0re, and that is what she is, then you are just going to have to accept the fact that she is a cheater. That isn't going to change and its apparant by her attitude when she posted here. She wants an open marriage so she can continue getting other men's talliwackers in her.

 

So thats why I say, and especially in your situation, that the only way to truly cope is to get rid of her. But since you don't want to do that, and considering her character, really the only thing you can do is sit there and take it. The only way for you to cope is to accept her for what she is and realize that her straying ways aren't going to change. If you can't accept that, then there is no way to cope as long as you are determined to stay with her.

[Dexter Morgan]

I was not eating too much cake. Like I said, I avoided indulging myself because I was happy with holding the cake I had. This is a moot point. My wife and I had an agreement and we were both happy with it.

 

People don't look for ways to cope when they are "happy with it".

 

If you were happy with things, you wouldn't be here.

[stuckinoz]

I am of the belief from an earlier post - this is a bunch of BS...but it sure was an interesting & entertaining read ~~~ But assuming it is ALL REAL (eyes rolling)

 

What ever happened to........'What's good for the goose is good for the gander'?

 

You sir have no reason to berate your wife for what she did. YOU had permission, whether she said she would do this to you or not...(by the way, she didn't do it TO you...she did it FOR herself)......what's the big deal? YOU DID IT! Why shouldn't she? As far as your depression goes.....stop complaining - pull yourself up by your big boy pants & get on with LIFE.....

Contrary to what you typed earlier......Life is NOT a bitch & then you die. Life is worth living if you just stop wallowing in self pity long enough to see it!!

[vnqsh2001]

As far as your depression goes.....stop complaining - pull yourself up by your big boy pants & get on with LIFE.....

Contrary to what you typed earlier......Life is NOT a bitch & then you die. Life is worth living if you just stop wallowing in self pity long enough to see it!!

That's not the way depression works. Once you're in it, you're stuck. You can't just snap your fingers or slap me out of it. When I mention depression, I'm talking about real clinical depression, not just mere sadness or the blues. It's kind of like getting a sickness that saps all of your energy, disrupts your sleep habits, and interferes with your ability to do other things (like eat or play baseball). It totally drains you of your will to live.

 

I'm sure I can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel once this bit of depression has passed, but knowing that doesn't help me much at the moment. I don't know how much experience you've had with this sort of thing, but that's just the way it is. I, on the other hand, have been dealing with this throughout my life. I've put myself into the hospital on more than one occasion. I've been on medication. I've seen doctors. Depression is a real problem that goes beyond the simple sadness that people endure on a regular basis.

[Dexter Morgan]

The reason you are in a depression is because you are married to and want to stay married to a cheating wife who isn't about to lose her desire for other men.

 

I've already told you that you should divorce her so you can heal, but for whatever reason, you don't want to hear that or even consider it.

 

So stay with her and accept her for what she is and yourself for what you are wanting to become, a cuckold.

[vnqsh2001]

The reason you are in a depression is because you are married to and want to stay married to a cheating wife who isn't about to lose her desire for other men.

 

I've already told you that you should divorce her so you can heal, but for whatever reason, you don't want to hear that or even consider it.

 

So stay with her and accept her for what she is and yourself for what you are wanting to become, a cuckold.

Really, I don't care if she cheats again. That isn't the problem. She hurt me once by doing this. She won't hurt me again, because it won't matter to me as much if it happens again. It just won't. I know that sounds strange, but I'm only interested in dealing with the present situation.

[desertmoon]

Really, I don't care if she cheats again. That isn't the problem. She hurt me once by doing this. She won't hurt me again, because it won't matter to me as much if it happens again. It just won't. I know that sounds strange, but I'm only interested in dealing with the present situation.

 

 

Oh you don't care? so..hmmm...I think you should continue drinking, and crying and not sleeping, because eventually you will hit rock bottom and figure it out.

[sally4sara]

The reason you are in a depression is because you are married to and want to stay married to a cheating wife who isn't about to lose her desire for other men.

 

I've already told you that you should divorce her so you can heal, but for whatever reason, you don't want to hear that or even consider it.

 

So stay with her and accept her for what she is and yourself for what you are wanting to become, a cuckold.

 

Dexter,

 

I look at it like this:

He claims he was told to go sleep with whoever and she would stay faithful. That is an agreement and I agree that if you want to be gullible, that agreement is an agreement.

 

So he slept with others. But I will never believe he slept with others for no reason other than because she told him he could and he believed she would not do the same.

 

Dexter, you believe infidelity to be WRONG. Would that change if you were given permission?

 

The OP gets the privilage of getting all butt sore about his wife sleeping with other men despite that he screwed other women because he can say it all happened ONLY because she gave him permission.

 

I think if they are both being true representatives here and have told truthful stories, all monogamous people should encourage them to stay together. Neither have shown they can choose to be monogamous of their own accord. Why on Earth would we advise them to find other people to pair up with? They sound perfectly matched!

[vnqsh2001]

Oh you don't care? so..hmmm...I think you should continue drinking, and crying and not sleeping, because eventually you will hit rock bottom and figure it out.

Oh? You understand me much better then? Hmmm. So I guess I don't need to discuss why I am upset, since my reasons are the same as yours or anybody else's, right? I can just ask you to tell me about what I feel. Wow. It all sounds so easy now.

 

Sorry, but I'm a unique individual. I'm not like you, nor do I really have any desire to be. Actually, I'm not hitting rock bottom. I've been feeling much better lately, but thanks for your concern (or rather, lack thereof).

[vnqsh2001]

He claims he was told to go sleep with whoever and she would stay faithful. That is an agreement and I agree that if you want to be gullible, that agreement is an agreement.

Thanks, but it wasn't just a claim. She admitted it herself, right here on this thread.

 

So he slept with others. But I will never believe he slept with others for no reason other than because she told him he could and he believed she would not do the same.

I never said I slept with others, but I did admit that I wasn't entirely innocent. I also didn't claim that this was the only reason for doing that. It doesn't matter what my reasons were. I'm not trying to excuse myself, so it really doesn't matter what you believe my reasons were.

 

Dexter, you believe infidelity to be WRONG. Would that change if you were given permission?

That's a good question. I hope he answers. It seems to be the general consensus that it is still wrong. Even though I seem to hold an opinion in the minority on this matter, it's still my opinion. I have a right to that and I find it to be perfectly reasonable. You can insult me or whatever, but I don't care. It's still my opinion and I'm the one living with it.

 

The OP gets the privilage of getting all butt sore about his wife sleeping with other men despite that he screwed other women because he can say it all happened ONLY because she gave him permission.

How many times have I heard people say that two wrongs don't make a right? Even if you think I was completely wrong in my viewpoint, does that make what she did any more right? If she wasn't right either, then why shouldn't I be hurt by it?

 

I think if they are both being true representatives here and have told truthful stories, all monogamous people should encourage them to stay together. Neither have shown they can choose to be monogamous of their own accord. Why on Earth would we advise them to find other people to pair up with? They sound perfectly matched!

I have no problem with that. I don't want to be paired up with anyone else either. Neither one of us do. We both want to keep this relationship.

[vnqsh2001]

People don't look for ways to cope when they are "happy with it". If you were happy with things, you wouldn't be here.

Most of my marriage has been quite happy, Dex. Some of the happiest moments in my life have been in this marriage. The reason I am depressed is not entirely due to my problems with this marriage either. I am a person who sometimes falls into bouts of serious depression. It's a problem I've had to deal with all my life. My problems actually go a bit deeper than this current situation.

[Geishawhelk]

How many times have I heard people say that two wrongs don't make a right? Even if you think I was completely wrong in my viewpoint, does that make what she did any more right? If she wasn't right either, then why shouldn't I be hurt by it?

 

You've every right to be hurt by it providing your own behaviour is beyond reproach.

If you react out of vegeance, or with a desire to get your own back and hurt the other person, then you are neither any better nor worse than they are. You are just as equally guilty.

 

So if you hurt you are, by your reactions, feeding your own pain, because sure as eggs is eggs, you can't like yourself very much, or have a great deal of self-respect to act in a way that makes you "not entirely innocent".....

[Dexter Morgan]

So he slept with others. But I will never believe he slept with others for no reason other than because she told him he could and he believed she would not do the same.

 

I completely agree. He did so because he wanted to. And if he didn't sleep with anyone, he took the agreement because he wanted to sleep with other women, or at least one woman one time.

 

Nobody sleeps with someone if they don't want to. There is no "mistakes".

 

 

Dexter, you believe infidelity to be WRONG. Would that change if you were given permission?

 

No, because if I were given permission, I'd know full well it would be so that my SO could feel free to do the same. If my SO came to me and said, i don't mind if you sleep with other women, the relationship would be over.

 

 

I think if they are both being true representatives here and have told truthful stories, all monogamous people should encourage them to stay together. Neither have shown they can choose to be monogamous of their own accord. Why on Earth would we advise them to find other people to pair up with? They sound perfectly matched!

 

Thats why I changed my advice from divorce, to staying with her once he came out with the complete truth. If he wants to make excuses for his wife, then he can stay with her and save two other people in the process.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't want to be paired up with anyone else either. Neither one of us do.

 

 

If you think she doesn't want to have sex still with other men, you are fooling yourself. her attitude when posting here proved that.

[Dexter Morgan]

Most of my marriage has been quite happy, Dex. Some of the happiest moments in my life have been in this marriage. The reason I am depressed is not entirely due to my problems with this marriage either. I am a person who sometimes falls into bouts of serious depression. It's a problem I've had to deal with all my life. My problems actually go a bit deeper than this current situation.

 

If thats the case, and you both are in the same boat with regards to cheating, then we can leave your situation with your wife out of it.

 

So if you want to say you have depression regardless of this current situation, then get yourself into individual counseling.

[taylor]

Hi Vnqsh,

 

I just spent an hour reading thru this thread. It brought tears to my eyes.

 

Why? Because I see a man hurting, consumed with pain, and wallowing in misery.

 

Depression. I didn't understand it..COULDN't understand it..until I fell victim to it a year ago. It takes hold with an overwhelming strength and sucks the very breath out of you. It can paralyze you. You can't think straight, see straight. And you reach a point where you can't feel anything but pain and misery. And you can reach a point where you want the pain to end but are too weak to even take hold of the hand that offers you a way out of the agony.

 

This next statement may sound strange, but not to those who have suffered deep depression: Sometimes we live with pain and misery for so long it becomes a part of us..it's the only thing we know. So it becomes hard to let go of. It's scary and difficult to take the steps necessary to free ourselves of this cloak that we have beared for so long. We have long given up hope that we can feel any other way.

 

But, the thing is, Vnqsh, if you really have an inner desire to rid yourself of this scouge called depression, you have to fight and fight hard. It isn't easy but you can conquer it. Don't give up hope. Don't give up on yourself.

 

When I fell into acute depression a year ago, I got to the point where I laid curled up in a ball on the couch. Totally immobilized. Totally defeated. I couldn't feel anything. I was numb. I couldn't eat or sleep. It was a challenge just to get off the couch to go the bathroom. There were times when I thought if I laid still enough I would just die and the pain would go away.

 

I also had waves of anxiety that came on suddenly and with a vengeance. The thought of leaving the house terrified me. The thought of walking out the front door made me hyperventilate. At times I wanted to crawl the walls or bash the windows out with a baseball bat.

 

This is what depression looks like. I never in my life felt like that before and I hope I never will again. It's real. It's devestating. And it is powerful.

 

If it were not for my family, I would probably never had sought treatment. I refused it for a long time. I wanted to be left alone to wallow in the misery. But they wouldn't let me. But they didn't give up. They supported me at a time when I was too weak to support myself.

 

The first thing I did was get medical treatment..both anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. The anti-anxiety meds worked but the Zoloft (anti-depressant) didn't. I continued to spiral downward.

 

About 4 months ago I started on Cymbalta. What a huge difference!!! I started to notice a change within 10 days..not only a change in my emotional and mental state...but also a change in my entire life...just the way I looked at my life...my family...my marriage...etc. I started to be able to see more clearly, think more clearly, have hope and faith. I started to be able to cope with problems and issues better. My entire perception of myself and outlook on my life and my marriage changed for the better.

 

What I am trying to say is you need to put all of your strength and energy into getting your depression under control. Focus on it. Make it your priority right now. It is the demon wreaking havoc on all other aspects of your life. Once you get it under control, you will gain the strength and coping abilities to sort out all of the other issues in your life.

 

In addition to seaking medical treatment, I also opted to get myself into individual counseling. It will help you if you give it time. It's a process of self discovery. You will see the benefits but not for a few months. Be patient with it. And don't expect it to be "comfortable." Looking inward at ourselves...taking a good look at the person reflected in the mirror...seeing and accepting the truths we discover about ourselves...is not easy. It is painful. BUT it is healing and it is freeing.

 

I also got myself into an exercise program. Vigorous exercise. I forced myself to join a gym and take classes even though I didn't feel like it. It was uncomfortable at first. I didn't want to be around people. But I did it anyways. Now, I am addicted to it. I can't get enough of it. Every time I go I get a natural "high." It feels good. I feel good. And I have met some wonderful people who have helped me get back into the real world again.

 

I can appreciate your struggles with depression because I have been there. I wish you the best. You are in my prayers.

[taylor]

Vnqsh,

 

I'd like to make a few comments about the arrangement you and your wife had.

 

Most "Westerners" who enter into marriage do so with the intent to forsake all others and with the expectation that their spouse will remain faithful. We expect monogamy in marriage.

 

The arrangement you had with your wife completely contradicts the definition of a true "Western" marriage. Not only does it contradict, but the double standard dooms the marriage from the start.

 

As a woman, I will go out on the limb here, and say that although your wife gave you permission to "cheat" on her, I doubt that DEEP DOWN inside her, she was TRULY happy with this idea. She probably thought she could handle it...wanted to be able to handle it...because she thought it's what you wanted or needed to be happy. She probably thought something along the lines, "Well, if I don't restrict him or confine him, he won't have a reason to be unhappy with me." Similar to how a wife might think when she doesn't make a big deal out of her husband looking at porn or going to strip clubs.

 

But deep down inside NO woman is HAPPY her husband looks at porn or goes to strip club. And certainly no woman is HAPPY knowing her husband seeks out other women to have fun with. And most certainly, no woman would be happy knowing her husband stepped outside the marriage with her own sister.

 

You have to be very naive to think your wife could or would find happiness with this behavior of yours.

 

I would bet your wife would have been much happier if you would have declined her offer to allow you to seek pleasure outside the marriage. How elated she would have been to hear you say instead, "No, honey. I don't need or want any other woman. You are all I will ever need. You are everything to me."

 

Ironically, you are trying to hold her to the "Western" ideology of marriage while you are given permission to practice the "Eastern" ideology of marriage.

 

It doesn't work.

 

And it doesn't matter who promised what in the beginning. It's not fair. It's not equitable. And this arrangement will always wreak havoc on your union.

 

Redefine what marriage means to each of you. What will make you happy/ What will make her happy? Be totally honest about your needs..both of you. Set new rules, guidelines, boundaries..because the old ones aren't working and aren't going to work.

 

I would also suggest you stop spending time arguing with posters about this arrangement. Most of the posters here are "Westerners" and they value mutual fidelity in marriage above all else. Your marriage, based on a double standard, is something that most of us have a difficult time perceiving as a true marriage by definition.

 

I would also suggest you try to understand why you are not getting the support you want from many of the posters here. Again, you are arguing with "Westerners" who can't empathize with a man whose wife cheated on him in a marriage that does not value mutual fidelity.

 

I came on to this forum as a wife who had an emotional affair with a coworker. Many posters offered advice and support. Some offered tough love. Some outright bashed me. Every post served a purpose that helped me get passed the affair. The bottom line...the most valuable lesson that I learned from this forum and from my affair...was that fidelity, respect and trust are the most cherished gifts you can give your partner. Without them, a marriage isn't a real marriage by definition.

[Dexter Morgan]

That's a good question. I hope he answers.

 

And I did answer. If someone offers me the chance to screw around, I'd know it was because they either did it themselves and want to absolve themselves of guilt, or that they want an excuse to be able to do it too.

 

So if I was offered permission to cheat, I'd end the relationship because I'd know WHY she offered me that.

[Trimmer]

That's a good question. I hope he answers. It seems to be the general consensus that it is still wrong. Even though I seem to hold an opinion in the minority on this matter, it's still my opinion. I have a right to that and I find it to be perfectly reasonable. You can insult me or whatever, but I don't care. It's still my opinion and I'm the one living with it.

 

I think whether the general consensus comes down on the side of "wrong" or "right," the universal consensus (of everyone but you, apparently) is that in spite of it's being an "agreement", that it caused an imbalance that even the best of intentions would not prevent from screwing up a marriage dynamic.

 

Just because you proudly and confidently hold your unconventional opinion on the matter doesn't mean that it's not the thing that catalyzed your problem. Now you can consider it "perfectly reasonable" and assert that you "don't care" and "live with it", but if this isn't the ROOT of your issue here, I don't get what is.

 

So I'm now very confused - what is your issue, then?

[Owl]

That seems to be the biggest source of contention here, Trimmer.

 

Vnq wants to focus on the SYMPTOMS of his problem (depression, anxiety, etc...) without addressing the SOURCE of the problems (his marriage).

 

He's convincing himself that there is nothing wrong with his marriage...he's also said on here that he wouldn't be devestated if his wife did this again. Which is completely contrary to what the vast majority of anyone else in his situation would feel.

 

Either his views of marriage are so completely different from the norm that there's NO chance that any advice he could get here could apply, or he's so deep in some kind of denial about the whole thing that the same applies...nothing we say or do will help.

 

I really think the scope of this is well beyond any 'help' he could get from this forum...he needs professional help. There really isn't anything that we can do for him here.

[vnqsh2001]

I can appreciate your struggles with depression because I have been there. I wish you the best. You are in my prayers.

Thank you. I found your response uplifting and encouraging. Having experienced this sort of thing before, I want to say that I feel a certain shift in my mood this past week that seems to indicate that the worst of it is over for now. I think it will take a little more time to snap out of it, but I feel some strength gradually returning to me. My thoughts don't seem to be so obsessed and the emotional pain doesn't feel as sharp. It sounds like a cliche, but the days do actually look a little brighter.