Third Side of the Story

[vnqsh2001]

I see everybody heading up this mountain called life. There are different paths to take, but most people prefer to follow the paths most traveled in the belief that they are safer and more assured. Yet, I also see that people are stumbling and sliding as they traverse even the most established ways. There is no sure and guaranteed road to the top that will not present hardships. There is no formula for life that can circumvent the curve balls that are sometimes thrown at us. Call me cynical, but I just don't believe that such a thing exists.

 

Is there anyone on this forum that has found the perfect solution for a happy life or a blissful marriage? Have you never experienced problems and setbacks even though you did "all the right things"? Even if such a person exists, what evidence is there that his/her methods would work the same for me or anyone else for that matter?

 

People are generally pretty rigid in their beliefs. Beliefs in what relationships are supposed to be like have proven to be no exception. There are general ideas that float around within our culture and people rarely choose to reject those ideas for fear of losing acceptance or simply because they have developed such a rigid and limited viewpoint that they cannot possibly even think of alternatives. In both cases, fear of the unknown plays a large role.

 

Now, you can all sit back in your chairs and say, "Well, obviously your ideas are no good. Look at how unhappy you are." What you aren't considering is the fact that it isn't easy for me to be happy to begin with. Not only that, but I see plenty of people out there who are trying to cling to the "traditional" ideas that are failing even more miserably and suffering just as much pain as me. There are no guarantees for success. Ironically, I suspect some of the people criticizing my stances most harshly are those that are still suffering the most pain in their own lives. People, you will slip and slide down the path no matter what. You're going to experience pain and hardship. That's just part of life. It doesn't necessarily mean you are on the wrong path just because you experience that. Being a person that is prone to depression, it was also most likely inevitable that I would fall into it again. It was only a matter of time. But the thing is that this marriage has already afforded me the longest period of relief from depression I've ever had. It's really been the best time of my life, up until this point. I've never been so happy for such a long period of time and if you want to say that I've been doing things totally wrong or that I'm wrong to try to mend the situation ...... then I really don't want to be right. To me, that joy is what living is all about.

 

Sure, things have not been so good for me lately. My point is that I seriously doubt they would have been anyway. I still believe that the best thing for me to do is to follow where reason leads and my heart desires. I really don't care if I'm the only one doing what I do and that I won't be considered "normal," because the destination is still the same and we're all going to struggle along the way. In the past, I've conformed to the beliefs that the majority follows. You know what? It didn't make me any happier. I still ended up depressed and heartbroken. Perhaps even more so, because I was disillusioned and let down. So now I'm a bit different. The experience changed me and now I'm willing to do what I feel is right instead of what others tell me is right.

 

Call me weird. Call me unique. It doesn't really matter, but I'm not going to be afraid of your labels. I'm not afraid to do something different. Different doesn't mean wrong. Don't tell me that all I have to do is conform to a certain behavior in order to be happy, because I'm pretty sure that is all a load of BS.

 

My marriage has lasted perfectly well for many years now. I've seen plenty of them that ended in less than one or two. Don't preach to me from your soapbox. Preach to them. However, I get the sneaking suspicion that some of those people who have suffered failure are the same ones yelling from their high places. Hmm. It makes you wonder, doesn't it?

[Owl]

All it makes me wonder is what you're hoping to gain from coming to LS?

 

I don't see someone looking for help. I don't see someone with questions, or looking for insight and advice...I don't see someone coming here to help others after his own crisis.

 

I see someone focused on perceived slights and taking offense at those who don't agree with him and instead try to focus on solving a problem.

 

What do you hope to gain by trying to convince everyone that they're wrong? Whether you're trying to convince them that their perception of your marriage/situation is wrong, whether you're trying to tell them that they're labels are wrong, whether you're telling them that their "focus" is wrong...at the end of the day, I'll I've seen on your thread(s) is you trying to convince everyone else on this site that they've got it all wrong.

 

So I'll ask again...what, EXACTLY, are you wanting from everyone here on LS to do? Admit that we're all wrong? Ignore your thread? Help you with something? Tell you that you're right? Tell you what?!?!?!

[soserious1]

 

My marriage has lasted perfectly well for many years now. I've seen plenty of them that ended in less than one or two. Don't preach to me from your soapbox. Preach to them. However, I get the sneaking suspicion that some of those people who have suffered failure are the same ones yelling from their high places. Hmm. It makes you wonder, doesn't it?

 

 

So what then is it that you hope to gain from posting here ?What is it exactly that you want from other members here? You seem to expect all of us to be following some sort of scripy..trouble is you haven't given any of us a copy of it:)

[vnqsh2001]

All it makes me wonder is what you're hoping to gain from coming to LS?

 

I don't see someone looking for help. I don't see someone with questions, or looking for insight and advice...I don't see someone coming here to help others after his own crisis.

 

I see someone focused on perceived slights and taking offense at those who don't agree with him and instead try to focus on solving a problem.

 

What do you hope to gain by trying to convince everyone that they're wrong? Whether you're trying to convince them that their perception of your marriage/situation is wrong, whether you're trying to tell them that they're labels are wrong, whether you're telling them that their "focus" is wrong...at the end of the day, I'll I've seen on your thread(s) is you trying to convince everyone else on this site that they've got it all wrong.

 

So I'll ask again...what, EXACTLY, are you wanting from everyone here on LS to do? Admit that we're all wrong? Ignore your thread? Help you with something? Tell you that you're right? Tell you what?!?!?!

 

Owl, you've asked and I've answered, yet you keep asking. Perhaps what I expect is not what you expect. Perhaps what I expect is not what others seek. Perhaps what you choose to see is not what truly is. That is ok.

 

Again, I'll say that I'm not offended by those who disagree with me; quite the opposite. I'm also definitely not trying to convince anyone of anything. I'm just stating and clarifying my position honestly. People will believe what they want to believe, but I do feel better to have gotten my thoughts out in a fluent manner. Like I said, I want to vent.

[Trimmer]

There's no one I can turn to who will even understand or believe what goes on in this relationship.

 

Don't preach to me from your soapbox. Preach to them. However, I get the sneaking suspicion that some of those people who have suffered failure are the same ones yelling from their high places. Hmm. It makes you wonder, doesn't it?

 

Again, I'll say that I'm not offended by those who disagree with me; quite the opposite. I'm also definitely not trying to convince anyone of anything. I'm just stating and clarifying my position honestly. People will believe what they want to believe, but I do feel better to have gotten my thoughts out in a fluent manner. Like I said, I want to vent.

I'm glad that your mood seems to be lifting a bit; I hope that trend continues. I'm glad that you didn't actually put a shotgun to your head at post #46 and kill yourself at post #49. I hope for the best for you and your wife and your unconventional, unique, different marriage that has served you so well and made you so happy thus far. I wish for you for many more years of the happiness it has brought you.

 

But since none of the rest of us can apparently begin to understand it, nor are we in a position to advise or judge, I don't feel like I've got much left to add. I hope that venting here has helped.

 

Very best of luck to you.

[vnqsh2001]

I'm glad that your mood seems to be lifting a bit; I hope that trend continues. I'm glad that you didn't actually put a shotgun to your head at post #46 and kill yourself at post #49. I hope for the best for you and your wife and your unconventional, unique, different marriage that has served you so well and made you so happy thus far. I wish for you for many more years of the happiness it has brought you.

 

But since none of the rest of us can apparently begin to understand it, nor are we in a position to advise or judge, I don't feel like I've got much left to add. I hope that venting here has helped.

 

Very best of luck to you.

Yeah, I'm glad I didn't do anything bad also. The exhaustion, depression, and alcohol was sometimes pushing me toward those extreme measures, but I have been persevering. Believe me, I've had worse moments than this in the past.

 

Venting has helped and encouraging words are certainly beneficial to me. Like someone mentioned earlier, the response one gets on this forum is a mixed bag and you really have to pick and choose to get what you want from it. But I have gotten some good things from typing stuff out and reading the responses.

[vnqsh2001]

One thing standing in the way of good communication on this forum is that one can't get around the fact that people will notice the criticisms and negativity much more than the positive reinforcement or appreciation. I can give thanks, agreement, and praise galore ..... but if I say just one "disparaging" word in dissent then I am immediately judged as argumentative and uncooperative. One drop of negativity pollutes an entire bucket of good intentions, doesn't it? The truth is that I've found a lot of what people have said to be helpful in one way or another and I have even gone out of my way to thank them for their comments. So again, thanks to all of you who have shown thoughtful concern; whether it appears that I agree with you or not.