He's on the rebound - am I wasting my time?!

[Kelebek]

Hi everyone

 

Some of you may remember a post I posted a while back about this guy I've fallen for, but I was worried he was still on the rebound etc. Well, he's texting me all the time, and actually I'm seeing him tonight (I've tried to back off - only seen him twice in the last 4 weeks partly cos just been on holiday) but my best friend, who is also close to him, says he's been creeping his ex out by saying "We will get back together, you just don't know it yet." and other such stuff. Now, I'm not sure this is entirely fair considering he slept with me, and knows I like him. Maybe he doesn't know just how much. He's taken on the attitude (apparently - my best friend's word) of "I'm f****d up, I can do whatever I want." I know I'm making him sound dreadful, and I suppose to an extent he is being dreadful, I can see that, but I can't stop liking him. Is this completely not worth it? I'm feeling so worthless as it is, completely used and like he couldn't give a s*** about me.......but then when we're together I forget everything. It's messing up my head - has anyone been through anything like this? With someone on the rebound, or badly hurt or whatever? I'm so confused - I don't know if I'm totally wasting my time. From what he's saying to his ex, I think I am. I think she's lovely, I know her a tiny bit, and I wouldn't have (too much ) of a grudge if they got back together. But where do I come into it? Do I really not matter? It really feels like it, it's getting me down and I'm sick of it!!! I want to be in control again!!!!!! But you can't control your feelings, can you?

 

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this, or is kind enough to share their experiences of seeing people on the rebound. Even bad stories, I wish I knew how this would end.

[Kelebek]

God, just realised I sounded so flippant there - of COURSE I would be devastated if they got back together - I just meant I'd prefer if it was all honest, not behind my back like I don't matter. They were together for a long time, I meant I could understand it, maybe not be happy about it though.

[midori]

Originally posted by Kelebek

But you can't control your feelings, can you?

 

I agree that to a certain extent you can't control your feelings. But you can control if and how you allow them to inform your decisions.

 

Sometimes, despite really wanting something (or someone) you recognize that it's unattainable/impossible/not good for you. And so you accept it and move on. I used to work in Soho in Manhattan, and I would frequently pass a very very expensive shoe shop while out getting my lunch. They had suuuuuuch gorgeous shoes and I really love shoes and I really wanted a pair of their lovely, cool shoes. But their shoes started at $500 and that was simply beyond my means. Eventually I started taking other routes to stop tormenting myself about the shoes I couldn't have. What was the point?

 

I think you know that this guy is using you right now as a rebound girl. You don't need that; no one does. You don't want to be with him and wondering if he's thinking about his ex at the moment. You don't want to worry every day about whether he's talking to her, whether they'll get back together. You don't want to have to deal with a flakey, inconsiderate fellow who isn't paying enough attention to you.

 

If you back out now you can possibly preserve goodwill and attraction to each other, so that if in a few months, or longer, he's over his ex and in a better emotional state, the two of you could try again if you both wanted. The longer you let it go on as it is, the more hurt and insecure and resentful you'll be. And if he's got even a bit of brains and conscience, the more guilty he'll be feeling about using you and making you feel bad. All bad stuff, fuel for a smelly, smokey fire that won't yield anything good.

 

Tell him you don't feel like it's a good time for the two of you to be togehter. Tell him that you really like him and like spending time with him but you need to be with someone who can focus on you, and who's delighted to be with you. You're not a consolation prize. You don't have to blame him. It just is what it is -- and it's not enough for you.

[Kelebek]

Thank you so much Midori, you made me realise stuff that I reeeally didn't want to face up to, and I think I needed that. You're right, maybe in a few months we could try again! I'm so confused, I know I'm the hardest person to help but you really have. He keeps texting me, making me think, ok - maybe he's coming round......but then I know I'm just in denial. God, my head is an utter mess, maybe I'd better thank you when I'm not verbally incontinent!!! You're last paragraph really hit home with me, I know he's treating me like second best, and by letting it go on for so long I've subconsciously let him know that it's "ok" to treat me like this, so it's my fault too. I've tried to step back, but he gets really worried and a bit annoyed, as he knows I really like him. He wonders why I pull away, mentally or physically. He asked me why I was texting his ex (she's selling me law books and is also a friend of a friend, and above all, really sweet - so I can't hate her lol) I asked why he cared and he said it was a bit strange. I just replied, well you're the one jumping between us two, at which he looked shocked and confused, maybe a bit hurt. He asked what I meant, I said I wasn't stupid. A few moments later we just moved on and since then he's been extremely sweet and attentive.......I KNOW I should step back, I really do, and to everyone else it may seem easy as I've only focused on the bad bits on here, but they are nothing compared to the good bits. Is it worth being confused and sad sometimes for a few moments of pure happiness?

 

I know what I feel, then I read your reply Midori, it makes SO much sense and I wonder what the hell I'm doing. You're right, noone deserves to be the rebound girl/guy. I guess now is when I decide whether to be really strong and back off, or just give in to my feelings and probably get my heart broken. I would just try to go with the flow, but that just isn't me. I think I'm seeing him (I'm going out with a big group of friends, not just him) on Wednesday, so I'll see what I think then. although I know I'll just come home more in love than ever. God I'm an utter muppet.

 

Thank you so much Midori, for taking the time to answer and for writing so much sense!!!! I just wish I had enough sense to take your advice, as I know it's best for me. Aargh. Thank you again