My sister's email.

[marlena]

Probably the best solution, if you can, is to ignore her email and pretend like you never saw it. Don't bring it up. Don't discuss it if she does. Don't change anything. Don't hold a grudge. Attribute it to her and her own issues and don't take it personally. Just figure she lost her mind for a little while.

 

Yes, and if she says anything,say "What e-mail?" Call her and pretend it never happened. Ask too speak to your nieces and nephews!! See what happens.

 

Oh, and she will regret it if you two become totally alienated. Of that I am sure.

[blind_otter]

I sent her a concise, brief email saying pretty much what 2sure recommended.

 

S/O went ahead and called my BIL. They were on the phone for 15 minutes, but I was back with the baby and did not hear what was said. S/O was still pissed after the conversation, but my sister sent me another email where she briefly stated that she was glad "a dialogue" had been started. Blech. I don't foresee actually speaking with her in person for a long, long time.

 

If she expects me to give her progress reports detailing our personal finances and aspects of our personal life that are none of her business she will be sorely disappointed. She keeps mentioning improvement, but I don't know how I would prove that to her without disclosing way too much about my life. Besides the fact that it would condone her absurd requests. In the future I will just keep my mouth shut regarding any aspect of my personal life. I see that my own family likes to keep track of this stuff and use it against me. sometimes years later. Good times, good times.

 

I feel like I am grieving. Every once in a while I feel so sad because I feel like I have lost something that I treasured. I used to think my sister loved me unconditionally but apparently I was wrong.

[whichwayisup]

The big problem I have is that my nieces and nephews will never be free to enjoy their cousin's company. The sins of the parents have been passed onto the shoulders of an innocent child who has done absolutely nothing.

 

Maybe this needs to be pointed out to her.

 

I'm sad for you on this one. Your sister needs to just shut up and focus on the kids, allow them to still have fun, play and hangout WITHOUT her personal feelings getting in the way. I hope she wakes up and realizes that life isn't perfect and neither are people. Your SO IS working on himself and trying, atleast that should give credit to him and be supportive not cut you all out of her life because she can't be understanding and give some compassion.

[a4a]

ok - enough already.

 

Your son isn't even old enough to know who his aunt or nephews are right now.

 

So take a break away from all of them. No dramatic NC crap. Just quietly slip into the shadows and start living your own life.

 

 

You keep getting hurt because of your expectations you have of your family. This is no longer important. All this energy could be put into improving your own family life.

 

The best way to show them up is to become the best that you can be on your own terms out from under their microscope.

 

Don't argue.

 

When they say something negative just say "oh, I will have to think about that some more.... thanks, I will do that".

 

More important to spend your energy on your own family.

 

Start setting your own goals and start living up to your own expectations and not theirs.

 

You will never satisfy them and it is not your mission in life to do so.

[2sunny]

ok... coming in late on this and haven't read ALL the replies BUT...

 

she has given you her boundary and you need to respect it. no need to take things personally (even though we tend to go there immediately). that is why it is often better to delay your response so that you respond with clarity. stay in the present so she can't dig up past behavior. that's not productive to anyone.

 

you are also entitled to ask questions from her... such as:

 

is it possible we can still get together with us gals?

is it possible for me to enjoy time with your kids?

 

this allows her to give you information without you being left wondering if you can still visit with them or if you are completely shut out because of your SO and your choice to continue with him.

 

no need to give her your personal info regarding your relationship with him... that's private. for her to have that info at this juncture would not benefit anyone. the less you put out there - the less ammunition she has on you. just enjoy your interactions by keeping things simple and uncomplicated.

 

just find out exactly where her boundaries are and see if you still fit in to her life by respecting those boundaries.

 

remember that you need to establish your own set of boundaries with her and stick with them as well. this will help you to keep your sanity all the way around.

 

good luck and big hugs BO!

[blind_otter]

I just think its so stupid. All this, for what? To prevent her children from being exposed to my S/O for about 10-15 hours per YEAR? It's not like we're begging her to hang out.

 

Well, truth is, I did beg to see my family around Christmas. All I wanted to do was to see them. But my sisters kept making excuses. They would hang out and do stuff, then lie to me and say they had the stomach flu or something.

 

Finally my mother intervened and forced them to visit with me and my family for about an hour. It was so humiliating to go through that. I didn't understand it at the time, but my sister's letter was dated that same day they were forced to see us.

 

I think her boundary is ridiculous and absurd. It's not based on anything real. From her email, it's based on MY past. She doesn't really have a problem with my S/O, she's using him to hurt me. It's the same thing, over and over again. She did it before I ever met my S/O.

 

To accept what scraps she has offered - basically my son and I are allowed to be around her children, that is all, and we are to call my mother's house before we come over so they can collect their children and whisk them away before we show up - means that I condone her craziness. I don't.

 

I don't want to hang out with her "as gals." What would I possibly talk about? Everything I say can and will be used against me.

 

The only thing I would want to do is see my nieces and nephews, but that will never happen because she does not allow them to be around anyone unsupervised - without her or her H around, unless my mother is watching them.

 

It doesn't matter what I want. It's not going to happen. I just have to accept the reality. I have spent so many years dealing with this bizarre family dynamic where no one talks about anything to anyone's face, it's so messed up. I miss my Dad so much. He was the only sane one, or at least the only one who did everything with love in his heart. He would be LIVID right now, if he were still alive....

[blind_otter]

ok... coming in late on this and haven't read ALL the replies BUT...

 

she has given you her boundary and you need to respect it. no need to take things personally (even though we tend to go there immediately). that is why it is often better to delay your response so that you respond with clarity. stay in the present so she can't dig up past behavior. that's not productive to anyone.

 

Well, it IS personal. It's not just about my S/O - otherwise, why would the first half of her email detail every choice I've made since my divorce? She uses my past as a way to judge my present.

 

It would be disingenuous for me to pretend that what she has done does NOT hurt. Why should I lie, or present a false front?

[2sunny]

i'm confused as to whether her boundaries are about you or your SO?

 

what is the exact evidence that she is putting forth? that would clarify things significantly...

 

either way BO, YOU need to decide what YOUR boundary will be in order to keep your sanity and to keep you in a safe place which allows you to move forward in a positive direction.

 

your boundary may leave her out of your life for the time being and that is ok for now... doesn't mean it stays that way forever... it just keeps you mentally safe.

 

i understand you missing your Dad in a time like this... i miss my Dad too when i am feeling a need for his guidance. you have ways of communicating with him if you tap in to those arenas. pay attention to what he is telling you.

[Trialbyfire]

Unless there's negative behaviour towards the family, I'm uncertain where your sister has any say in your life. She needs to get out of your head and stop trying to control you. This is your right to freedom to live as you choose, as long as it's a positive in your child's life.

 

Having said that, she does have the right to restrict interactions between yourselves and her children, by withdrawing her children from exposure. This is her right as a mother.

 

I would have a definitive dialogue with her explaining in no uncertain terms that her life is hers and your life is yours, that you will continue attending family events and if she wished to withdraw, this is her right.

 

Divisional politics is elementary school. If you're in the mood, tell her to grow the eff up.

[2sure]

I have a sister who is a control freak in every aspect of her life. For a time, especially when I was first a single mother and going through very difficult times , she was very active in my life. She would help me out and do things for me. I was grateful and considered her my friend. It didnt take me long to realize her involvement came with a very high price. I had to accept a lot of criticism. When things were not as she wanted them in her own life - the criticism of mine became abusive and even an offer to babysit ( I never asked) came with so many conditions it became insane.

 

I just stopped accepting her offers of help in any way. I stopped calling her. I stopped telling her about any of my problems only shared good news.

 

I still see her, but I dont involve her in my day to day. I know she loves me. She loves her grown daughter and does the exact same ****. I love her more easily now because I dont have her negative energy in my life.

 

Seriously, not you or your SO should allow any more dialogue on this with them .

[blind_otter]

i'm confused as to whether her boundaries are about you or your SO?

 

what is the exact evidence that she is putting forth? that would clarify things significantly...

 

She uses my failed marriage and a bad relationship following that as evidence that I cannot be trusted to manage my own life.

 

She uses my S/O's attendance of AA, and anger management therapy, as proof that he is morally bereft. She also said that because my mother bought me a car, he is not supporting me in the appropriate manner. She also believes that my mother paid for all of the improvements on the house, which is not true so I'm not sure where she came up with that. She also makes reference to the fact that I have unmet needs, in a vague way.

 

your boundary may leave her out of your life for the time being and that is ok for now... doesn't mean it stays that way forever... it just keeps you mentally safe.

 

i understand you missing your Dad in a time like this... i miss my Dad too when i am feeling a need for his guidance. you have ways of communicating with him if you tap in to those arenas. pay attention to what he is telling you.

 

I think I will probably just not hang out with her for a while. I don't know what our relationship will be like after this, though. We have been drifting apart since Dad died, and this is not really making it easier to be close.

[blind_otter]

 

Having said that, she does have the right to restrict interactions between yourselves and her children, by withdrawing her children from exposure. This is her right as a mother.

 

I accept that. What makes this so absurd, though, is that she cites issues that occurred 3+ years ago, but has not restricted my S/O's exposure to her children until now. Why the inconsistency?? If she had been set on keeping her kids from him from the get-go, I would be less upset, I think.

 

According to my BIL, S/O could "walk any time he wants to" because we are unmarried (having been divorced, I'm not sure how different it would be if we were married....) and he doesn't want to have to explain to his kids why my S/O is no longer around. This is crazy, because now they will have to explain to their kids why S/O is no longer around them...even though he is still around, just not allowed to interact with them in any way.

[blind_otter]

Seriously, not you or your SO should allow any more dialogue on this with them .

 

I need to say thanks again for the response you offered initially, I used it and felt happy that I didn't buy into her email and give her even more ammo to use against me.

 

I'm glad you said this, I wanted to respond with a longer email but I keep holding back. I don't want to extend this interaction any more.

 

It's just that, in order for S/O to "improve" in her eyes, I would have to open up my entire private life to her scrutiny. Unacceptable.

[Trialbyfire]

I accept that. What makes this so absurd, though, is that she cites issues that occurred 3+ years ago, but has not restricted my S/O's exposure to her children until now. Why the inconsistency?? If she had been set on keeping her kids from him from the get-go, I would be less upset, I think.

 

According to my BIL, S/O could "walk any time he wants to" because we are unmarried (having been divorced, I'm not sure how different it would be if we were married....) and he doesn't want to have to explain to his kids why my S/O is no longer around. This is crazy, because now they will have to explain to their kids why S/O is no longer around them...even though he is still around, just not allowed to interact with them in any way.

You're dealing with someone irrational. Step back from her. Let her withdraw her family. Sooner or later, she'll come back to the family fold and if she doesn't, she has no one else to blame but herself.

 

Having said that, she does have a right to her feelings so I wouldn't bother rationally arguing the point with her beyond telling her to back off and do whatever she deems is necessary, to cocoon her family from reality.

 

Once again, divisional politics is juvenile. I would seriously be saying this point blank to her, since she hasn't held back on her side. You have the right to your opinion too.

[blind_otter]

My S/O has taken this all in stride (relatively) and had lunch with my BIL today to hash things out. Like most men, they will probably be able to come to some sort of resolution without a long drawn out conversation. Plus, they don't have the 30 years of history together to complicate things.

 

But me - I'm still mad as hell. I'm bitter and pissed off. It comes and goes. I can go for hours without thinking about it, then I remember what happened and it really gets me going.

 

I just need to process this, I guess. Eventually it will fade and I won't be so angry. But I can tell you this - I will probably be even more closed off than I was before, which was pretty damn closed off. Knowing that someone catalogues your deficiencies in order to use them as ammo at a later date can really make you shut up about the personal stuff. It's the exact opposite of what my father wanted for this family, but how can I be the bigger person?

 

I want to fulfill his dying wish, and remain close with my family. But when you're surrounded by bitches, that can be a hard row to hoe.

[quankanne]

heh heh, you said "hoe"

 

okay, no more levity: Otter, it's perfectly within your rights to tell your sister to get her head out of her *ss and get with the program. That if *she* chooses to live in the past so that *her* life makes sense, that's her business; in the meanwhile, you choose to continue to grow mentally and spiritually, and you're not going to hold her selfish behavior against her kids because *you* love them for who they are.

 

I feel for you kiddo – my big sister just got off the phone after telling me how two of our sibs are making my oldest brother's life hell because he's executor of Dad's estate. I think that kind of stupidity (your sister's, my sibs') can only get worse with time precisely when they choose to leave their heads up their butts.

 

now, go to your happy place. And give Baby Otter a kiss from his cyber auntie!

[blind_otter]

Thanks, quank. I did give him smooches. When I say "Give me a kiss!" he leans towards me with his mouth open. Hopefully he will learn how to pucker up when he's older.

 

As I predicted, my BIL and S/O are now friendly and planning canoe trips together, while I am still stewing and angry at my sister. This is going to be fun...

[marlena]

BO,

 

You are giving your sister way too much power. And she is using it against you. I also think she is taking advantage of your sensitive heart, your vulnerabilities and the love you have for her and your family. I know how hard this is for you, how painful, as I have three sisters and sometimes the inevitable rivalry and the completely different ways we all chose to live our lives has caused some minor friction.

 

I think that you need to let her know that life can go on without her just fine if that's the way she wants to go. She sounds very judgemental and a bit on a moral high horse. Perhaps instead of her being passive/aggressive towards you by using emotional blackmail to make you conform to her system of values, you should turn the tables on her and give her a taste of her own poisonous medicine.

 

Instead of her alienating you, why don't you try alienating her from you and your family? She is not doing you any good as it is. In many ways, she is undermining your efforts to work on your marriage and this can only have disastrous results. You should not allow her or her opinions to influence you so much.

 

I am quite sure that in time, when she starts to miss you and wonder why she can't have you under her thumb anymore, she'll come calling.

 

In the meantime, all that matters is your husband and baby. Concentrate on them and of course on yourself.

[quankanne]

heh heh, Marlena, I think the two men in the equation are fixing to execute an end-run around Sis as they build up a relationship. And Otter's sister isn't going to have much leg to stand on when that happens.

 

so otter, encourage your honey to cultivate that friendship – because your nieces and nephews are going to see a different viewpoint of him when Dad thinks it's cool to hang out with him.

[marlena]

heh heh, Marlena, I think the two men in the equation are fixing to execute an end-run around Sis as they build up a relationship. And Otter's sister isn't going to have much leg to stand on when that happens.

 

 

Well, it would serve her right if you ask me. Is this what sisterly love is all about? No, I think not.

[blind_otter]

My sister sent another email yesterday. Basically reiterating that she has concerns that my relationship with S/O will not be longterm, due to my divorce and the fact that I had other relationships end in my past (uh....OK.....). Basically due to the fact that I did not marry a high school sweetheart, I guess. My BIL is the only person she's EVER dated, so she doesn't understand the whole thing about dating people to find out if you are a good fit.

 

As a result, she does not want her children exposed (anymore) to someone who could leave at any time (except that anyone can leave at any time for any reason, be they friend, husband/wife, or family member).

 

She said she could not longer go on with the awkward politeness that has characterized previous interactions (except, things between us have been all about awkward politeness for the past decade or so, since I went to college).

 

She also said for me to please call her when I want to resolve this. But, uh, she was the one who started this whole sh*tstorm via email! Okey dokey.

 

So at this point, I am just going to lay low. I won't be calling her any time soon - not to be vindictive, but because I know that I would probably lay into her pretty harshly if I spoke with her right now. I don't want to do that, I don't think that's conducive to anything. So I will just keep to myself and avoid hanging out with her and her family for the time being.

 

My S/O, however, got along famously with my BIL as they share a lot of similar interests, and, according to my BIL - he had no part in the writing of that dreaded initial email and has none of the issues my sister has, regarding our private life, personal finances, or anything that is none of his business.

 

Gah. It's so yucky. I'm glad I have friends and my S/O's family, who all have been very supportive and loving towards me in the last week in the face of this crap I've been dealing with.

 

At this point, the ball is in my court and I need to work on accepting that my family is just like that, and that things will never be the way I want them to be in this regard. I should just accept things as they are, and not put any expectations on anyone. I will work on this. I think eventually we will be able to socialize at family gatherings, but I will never be able to share my private life with her anymore - not knowing that she keeps tabs on what I do and then uses those things she judges as morally bereft as ammo against me, years later.

[whichwayisup]

Your sister has some real issues. Geez, does that mean she is going to interview ALL her kids friends to make sure the parents fit a certain criteria? Make sure the kids parents are getting along and not on the edge of divorce? Talk about control issues!!

 

BO I am sorry to hear this because family is so important. She definately has some warped idea of how things should be and because of that, you (and noone else) will ever measure up to HER ideal image.