Makemesmile Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Hi all, just wanted to get your views. I think i know but the more people to tell me the more i realise i am better off without him. Me and my SO broke up last year, he wasnt sure after 8yrs together i was the one for him. So we split gave each other time and space and came back togther 6mths later. Things where great. However he had registered with a dating site when we split and he was still getting msg via IM from these woman. I told him i wasnt comfortable with this and he told me to ignore them as they would soon get bored and give up. 8mths on it hadnt stopped, then i replied to one of the msg i saw and the woman said she has spoken to him within that mnth. I confronted him and he told me as before your paranoid, ignore it, she's lying etc... Then i asked again and he became very diffensive, told me it was non of my business who he talked to etc... We had a massive fight (See abuse forum) After i left he promised and instited he has not spoken to any1 since we have been togther and that i was way out of order and crazy, paranoid, then later he said ok if i did then it was only as friends, then the next day he said he hadnt again???? I then found him on a dating site, and it showed he had logged in within a week, we had only been apart 4 days. Again i asked him about it and he was adamant he had not been on, then after a while admitted he tried to log on but only as he needed a friend to talk to! Is this a EA? Not sure even who he was speaking to? Was he talking to them? My argument is if they are friend then why the secrets and telling me i'm going mad... 2nd how many woman would be happy with there SO having friends he met on dating sites? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Makemesmile Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Sorry i know most will look at this and tell me to wake up and open my eyes.... I'm just finding it hard to come to terms with that the last 8mths of my life have been a lie! Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Sorry i know most will look at this and tell me to wake up and open my eyes.... I'm just finding it hard to come to terms with that the last 8mths of my life have been a lie! I'm not very good at conferting people so I'll just tell you I know how painful an EA can be. I've been through one (my husband's), even though he claims otherwise. What I can tell you is that if it wasn't for the kids, I'd have been out of there. In your case, I say why waste anymore time with this guy? There's plenty more fish in the sea. Do you want to be with this guy in a year and still going through this? He's shown you a side to his charector that will most likely pop up throughout your relationship with him. Yes, it will be very painful to break up with him, but, you'll most likely save yourself from heartache in the future. Just my two cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Makemesmile Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Yes you are correct i am lucky we have no children etc.... I just have so many questions and also i keep thinking am i paranoid? Did i make all this up in my head? Ive kept all his emails where he admitted it, i keep looking back at them just to reasure myself it was correct what i read. Its just hard i guess. I am trying NC day 2........... But not going well, i'm angry, but know contacting him is just losing respect for myself. I didnt realise he could lie the way he has. Link to post Share on other sites
LavendarGirl Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Hi mmSmile... Well, yes, this could be an EA. But the bigger issue here is that this guy of yours is a complete and utter jerk. Toss him out of your life, and let some other poor woman deal with his insanity. You're worth better than all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 OP, I'd call this one done. Face the pain. For the future, IMO, don't "break up" and separate until and unless you're ready to move on. You were in a very long-term relationship, about as long as I've been married. Going from that state to "broken up" is a severe blow to the relationship and IMO, if married, a prelude to divorce. I'm giving you a married male perspective here, irrespective of my opinion of the man involved. Regarding EA's, during your separation, your ex formed bonds with other women. That's normal. He thought you were done, assuming things were as in the OP, that he didn't think you were "the one" for him and broke up with you. He probably still thought that way, even after you got back together. So, on even the smallest "break", the ingrained behavior kicked in and he contacted one of his "friends". Right? No. Predictable? IMO, as a man, yes. Our psychologist's definition of what LS'ers call an EA (emotional affair) is an "inappropriate emotional attachment" which the party thereto prioritizes over their primary relationship (marriage or LTR). The descriptor is sex-neutral. You decide how it applies Link to post Share on other sites
Author Makemesmile Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Like you all say its over! Time to get over it I know its for the best. I just dont know any difference this guy was my first love and ive never done this before! Link to post Share on other sites
travelgirl Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I don't think the question here is whether he is having and EA or even a PA The question here is why stay for 8 years with a guy who can't commit and then when you do leave, you get back together with him when the situation is worse not better then before. If he truly wanted you back and wanted to commit there would have been honestly, love, fulfillment, and a ring soon afterwards. Not lies, dating sites, horrific fights and no ring. Chalk up the 8 months as a learning experience and move on to someone that appreciates you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Makemesmile Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 I don't think the question here is whether he is having and EA or even a PA The question here is why stay for 8 years with a guy who can't commit and then when you do leave, you get back together with him when the situation is worse not better then before. If he truly wanted you back and wanted to commit there would have been honestly, love, fulfillment, and a ring soon afterwards. Not lies, dating sites, horrific fights and no ring. Chalk up the 8 months as a learning experience and move on to someone that appreciates you. THANKS, this is what i was thinking. He never commited and that in turn made me crazy with jealousy and didnt make me feel secure with his "Friend". Link to post Share on other sites
JustBreathe Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 He's a habitual cheater. If you stay with him, things will not get better as time goes on, they will get worse. Cut him loose for good and heal yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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