Husband is cheating...

[sunrise001]

Hi,

I am new to this forum and I am really for a place to vent/share my feelings. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 8. We have 2 children (under the age of 5) and my husband has been having an emotional affair with a female co-worker for the past 3.5 years. I found out 3 years ago that he was talking to her outside of work but he promised it had ended. It's all a long story but I have always suspected something was going on and I had reason to believe last weekend that he was with her. Started asking questions and doing some investigating of my own and found out that he had met her and 2 other guys from work for drinks Saturday night. He has admitted that he talks to her outside of work. They call each other from their cell phones and he always makes sure the calls are deleted. He also admitted that he "kissed" our old neighbour (who happened to be good friends with both of us) over a year ago. He states he's never slept with either of them... but I am totally confused. I guess I've known all along that something was going on but whenever I asked... he would say no or get mad and would say that I am always looking for things to fight about.

 

We have decided to try and work things out and we are going to see a Marriage Counsellor tonight - which should be interesting. Bottom line is... I honestly don't think that this will end since that's what he told me 3 years ago. and I can't shake the feeling that this is more than just emotional. After 3.5 years of lying... how could it not. He's spent these past few years making me feel like I am losing my mind and that I am the reason why our marriage is so shaky and it turns out it's because of what he's been doing.

 

Any advice on what questions to ask at counselling. How do I even begin to deal with this. I love him but is all of this heartache and grief really worth it if our marriage has obviously meant nothing to him?

 

Thanks so much for reading. Any advise would be wonderful. I just had all of this confirmed Monday night... so it's all new emotions to deal with.

 

Erin

[2sure]

You came to the right place. Keep reading and you will find that affairs, infidelity, lies AND discovery, repair, recovery ALL have certain patterns. The scenerios are as different as our lives - but the patterns stay the same.

 

As you read you will find that the one single thing you must do to even begin to repair and recover is expose the whole thing. You dont need a PI or pictures or even more proof - you KNOW after all this time and thats enough. So there is no need for discussion. The OW must be contacted and told to step away from your life, marriage, family and husband. Period. If she is married her spouse must be told.

 

I know this sounds extreme and harsh. I know you feel you must have proof - to show who? Your husband? Thats what hes counting on and why it has gone on for 3 years. You dont.

 

HE needs to be the victim of his actions - not you. Only then can you together begin to make changes and repairs.

Look up the term GASLIGHTING - it will give you the security of knowing you're not crazy.

 

Keep posting.

[sunrise001]

thank you for the reply. I know now that I am not crazy. I am furious with him and even more so with myself. I have always had the gut feeling but was afraid to act on it. I don't need any more proof. He's admitted to talking to her ongoing. He said nothing physical has ever happened but after 3 years.... I find it hard to believe. I need/want him to honestly tell me if it ever got physical. That will totally be the deciding factor as to whether or not I stay. Even at this point I don't know if staying is really what I want.

 

We are going to counselling tonight so we will say how it goes. I asked him if he has told it is over and he said no. I think I should make him call her tonight while I am there. I want to hear the conversation.

 

If it's not one thing... it's another.

Erin

[2sure]

Erin,

 

MC will at least start some communication. You are on the right track with that and by coming here. It sounds like you have your head in a better place than many other people who initially come here. That said, it is still a sickening gut wrenching thing to deal with.

 

If he calls her with you there she will take the whole conversation from the stand point that he is just doing /saying things because you are there. It wont solve anything - but it will make her aware that you know, so thats a good thing to be had. I would say, and I wish some other experienced posters would jump in here - that you should call her yourself.

So far, your H has been unable to do the right thing so it has been put into your hands. Just a suggestion, it worked for me. Made my H very embarassed and angry but what had I to lose? Taking the secret out of an affair is priority #1.

 

If he has not ended it with her what is it he hopes the outcome of MC will be?

[sunrise001]

I have thought about calling her... can't find her phone number. If I ask dh then he will most likely give her the heads up. He was secretly calling her from his cell phone and he broke it to pieces on Monday night so there is no way that he has contacted her (at least I don't think so) and if he has... her phone number will come up on our phone bill.

 

What my plan/thought was... is to have him call her when I am there but have him not let on that I am there. I don't want to just sit there and listen to his side. I plan on being on the other line. I want to see if he is willing to do it. If not.... then I have my answer. It's done/over... no looking back. He calls me today at work and asks what's wrong because I am not talking. I told him everything is wrong... then he is silent and asks for specifics. Hello... are you that stupid? Does he really think that I am just going to act like everything is fine??? He must think I am a hell of a lot stronger then I am.

 

You are right... there's no other way to describe this other than "gut wrentching". I had no idea you could physically feel like this. It's not even the mental aspect... for me it hurts mentally but just as much physically.

 

Erin

[2sure]

Yes I know. It Physically hurts, made me sick of course, but more - it physically hurt like an injury. Heartbreak is the right word huh?

 

I understand your thinking behind your plan with the phone call.

You want to hear him break up with her. You want to hear him say the words and hear her reaction.

 

It isnt realistic because if they are at all close she will hear in his voice that all is not as it seems, it would be easy for him to tip her off without you knowing. Also, afterwards, they will speak privately again.

 

The biggest reason this is not going to give you what you want is that it wont change a thing. It wont bring the affair out of secretness, it wont let her (and your H)know you are now actively involved in saving your marriage.

 

NO more games or lies. Be Transparent.

No passive aggressiveness, no BS.

You do not behave like you have a secret, dont even behave like a victim.

Just the facts.

[jwi71]

MC and what to expect.

 

1) Hardest thing on Earth. I know you don't believe me but its true.

2) Be open and honest. NO lies ever. NEVER lie - and MCs are very good at finding liars.

3) Be accepting of advice and steps to take at home. Understanding is NOT required - just do it.

4) Trust the MC. He/she has no vested interest and is an outsider looking in. He/she has lots of experience and formal training. Trust it.

5) Patience. Rome wasn't built in a day.

6) Don't be scared. MC should be a safe place for you both.

 

Contacting the OW.

 

DON'T. Nothing good will come of it. What do you want to hear? Do you want to hear it was physical? That it wasn't? To give her a piece of your mind? SHE has the ultimate trump card:

 

You: You tart, you home wrecker. Stay away!! You bleep bleep bleepity bleep bleep..

Her: He's chasing me! Besides, he's great in bed especially after the weight you gained.

 

Get it? Your words have little impact on her, but she can devastate you.

 

Nothing to be gained. Much to lose.

 

And, in all honesty, she is NOTHING. Yup. Nothing. You won't believe this now either - but its true. Affairs are NOT about the OW/OM - they're about failures in the cheater and the marriage.

 

Sunshine, you are on the right path. I was you (my W cheated). It can be overcome. Every angry and vengeful thing I did and said to my W and to the OM has come back to haunt me. I wish I hadn't. I wish I had known.

 

Keep it up...post as you see fit. You can have a loving M again...

[sunrise001]

Thank you so much for all of the wonderful advise. We went to see the MC last night and needless to say both of us were very dissapointed with him. I know we wouldn't have all of the answers in one session but it would have been nice to at least have something to take away.... something we could talk about. We both agreed that our biggest issue is communication. After 2 kids, work, etc. I feel that I have lost myself and because of everything that has been going on... we've both forgotten how to talk to each other.

 

We openly told the MC what the issues were and that we both aware of the problems... we just don't know how to fix them. He never really gave us any direction and pretty much the only thing he told us to do this week was to think about what we needed/wanted to change about ourselves. That even though we are at this point in our marriage... it comes down to each of us as individuals and we have to make changes personally.

 

Okay... so we both know that we have our own issues to deal with and sort out but we can't keep going on and keeping our emotions, feelings and actions to ourselves either. Does that make sense????

 

I told him that I only found out what dh has been doing on Monday so this is still very new and painful. I wanted him to ask dh questions and there was nothing... the same with me.

 

DH has always said he has not wanted to go to MC and I was really hoping that we would both walk away last night with some insight and hope. Definitely not the case.

 

DH works with this female and he will never not be able to have contact with her. I asked him how he planned to deal with the situation and if he planned on talking to her and explain to her that things were done... nothing more than a working relationship. He said he didn't plan on talking to her about it... he was just going to stop and only talk to her when necessary at work. I really think if this is the end of it... that he needs to communicate that to her and I guess I need to trust that if he agrees to do it that he will.... otherwise I don't think anything will change. Am I completely crazy????

 

Anyone have any good advice to share that has helped them thru the process. Any suggestions on how to open the lines of communication? I guess in all honesty, I don't want to know all of the details but I want to know what it is about her that he feels so comfortable talking to and what it is about me that he finds so difficult. Sex life has never been a problem... it's just the communication aspect.

 

HELP!!! I am so mad that last night's MC didn't help me any. Really hoped it would. Thought maybe I would feel at least a bit better today. NOT THE CASE.

 

Erin

[JamesM]

Thank you so much for all of the wonderful advise. We went to see the MC last night and needless to say both of us were very dissapointed with him. I know we wouldn't have all of the answers in one session but it would have been nice to at least have something to take away.... something we could talk about. We both agreed that our biggest issue is communication. After 2 kids, work, etc. I feel that I have lost myself and because of everything that has been going on... we've both forgotten how to talk to each other.

 

We openly told the MC what the issues were and that we both aware of the problems... we just don't know how to fix them. He never really gave us any direction and pretty much the only thing he told us to do this week was to think about what we needed/wanted to change about ourselves. That even though we are at this point in our marriage... it comes down to each of us as individuals and we have to make changes personally.

 

 

First off, your MC is getting a feel for your relationship. I expect he will have more for you next time.

 

Second, IMO the biggest problem the two of you have is a lack of trust. You do not trust your husband. You can have all of the communication in the world, but if you do not trust what he is communicating, then it is worthless. I think you need to build trust if this is to work.

 

 

My guess is that the MC will not give you a 1-2-3 list of things to do and then your marriage will be "and they lived happily ever after." In fact, my guess is that this will be a long time before you have the trust that he will not cheat or lie on you again.

 

There is probably a communication problem and there is most likely a lack of concern for one another and I am sure that there are personal issues each needs to fix. These must be solved. However, the first issue that needs to be fixed is the trust issue.

[beyondsad]

Dear sunrise - your story is very close to mine (as they all are). I am 16 weeks from finding out and I am at such a better place than that first few weeks. My H at the first MC broke down and cried and begged forgiveness and showed more emotion than I had ever seen in our 14yrs together. At the time it did not make me feel better but hopefully he is truly sorry.

My pain was so bad and my inability to control my emotions was making it difficult to work, take care of the kids and my home so I went to the Dr and he prescribed a AD and I tell you that I am a new peron now.

This sucks so bad now for you but time will make it less severe. I don't think I will ever truly TRUST my H but until / if it happens again I am trying to find a place in my heart to be happy. In my mind I have made a deal with myself that I am going to commit to a full recovery unless it happens again and then his ass is out the door for good. I have told him this and he may or may not believe me but in my mind it seems this is the only way that I can have any peace with myself.

I have found comfort also from reading everyones stories, knowing that its just not me. I know I still have to fight myself to not contact the OW and let her know what a whore she is but as others has posted it will only stir it up. I hope you feel better soon.

[sunrise001]

I guess the hard part of this is that you want all of the answers and you want them now. I was hoping that during the MC we would walk away with some feeling of hope... like there is a way to work things out. All he kept saying was this will be the hardest thing we will ever have to do... and he said it several times. Like we didn't already know that.

I went to counselling byself (with another counsellor) and even after the 1st session... I walked away feeling like I had some tools that I could use to help sort out some of my feelings. H has never been really emotional about any of this. The 1st time he was caught 3 years ago... he was in tears. Said what he had done was horrible and that he stood everything to lose. His wife, his family life, kids, etc. This time he was different. Can't/won't really seem to talk much about the whole situation and why. The only thing I really want to know is how can he just say it's going to end and he's no longer going to continue with his "secret friendship" and it be over and done like that when it's been going on and never ended before. He said he loves me and wants to do everything he can... but at the same time he doesn't really see this whole thing as that big of a deal. He hid it because he knew what would happen. He even went out with her and a few other people from work on Saturday night. I asked him on Monday night why? He knew I was upset on Sunday and he asked what was wrong. I kept saying nothing... have a headache. On Monday I asked him why he didn't come clean about it then and continued to lie and his response was I never asked.

 

Bottom line is.... I really want to talk to him about everything and I need him to be open and honest. How do I approach him without it turning into a huge fight??? I don't want to constantly be at him for answers but for me... the only thing that is going to allow me to move on is to know why this friendship has been going on for so long and I need to know what he thinks is missing from our relationship that has caused him to do this. I am not perfect and there are 2 sides to every story but I need answers from him. It's very difficult not to contact the OW but I know that I shouldn't and I won't. If he can't talk about it and at least give me something... I can't and won't continue on together. I have put up with all of this long enough. I have asked him several times over the past few years and he has always denied it. Has taken all of the problems in our relationship and put them on me. I have spent way too long feeling like I am the one to blame for the failing marriage and I can't do it anymore. My children, health and sanity are way more important. I realize that now.

 

And yes.... I plan to make an appointment with my dr. and go back on something to help with anxiety.

 

Erin

[iceis44]

As they say keep your friends close, and your enemies closer, please if i thought something was going on, I would be taking lunch up to work, firing of a great conversation with her innocent as you please.

 

Womens intuition is 98% right on target, if he wants to go out after work, offer to meet him there, call the phone company you can get list of numbers,

 

Trust is the strongest thing in my relationship now, after a 25 year marriage of no trust.

[Mary3]

He will swear to the ends of the earth that it was not physical but you can bet your dollars it was. He will never admit to that. To save face with you. Will she admit it ? Depends on how bad she wants him.

 

Why hasn't he told her its over in front of you. Because it is NOT over. You can want it over because you want it but unless HE wants it over and SHE wants it over , it won't be.

 

Do they love eachother ? If they DO , you have a sticky situation. Maybe thats why he won't tell her. It would crush her. I know you are thinking what about ME ? What has he done to me ?? Plenty.

 

My 2 cents says : They love eachother , love talking , they have the most devastating kind of Affair.

 

Can you get beyond that ? If its love , thats a tough one.

 

If he has not said to her its over...well then its NOT over.

 

Count your chickens on that one...

[Taulu]

He will swear to the ends of the earth that it was not physical but you can bet your dollars it was. He will never admit to that. To save face with you.

 

Sunrise001 has no other alternative than believe what he says if she wants to save her marriage. That it was not physical. What difference does it make if it was physical?

 

Why hasn't he told her its over in front of you. Because it is NOT over.

 

Do they love eachother ? If they DO , you have a sticky situation. Maybe thats why he won't tell her. It would crush her. I know you are thinking what about ME ? What has he done to me ?? Plenty.

 

My 2 cents says : They love eachother , love talking , they have the most devastating kind of Affair.

Can you get beyond that ? If its love , thats a tough one..

 

My husband has affair few years ago. It was emotional and I think he was in love with her or at least fascianted. They were lot together and I really don't know was there physical or not, but I have to trust what I have told.

 

It hurt so much to know you are not the only one, that there is someone elese your husband love/think. I got the feeling that he has to be hurt as much I was. But it wouldn't have done any progress to make him suffer.

 

If he has not said to her its over...well then its NOT over.

.

 

The OW is not important thing here now. You (sunrise001) and your husband are important. You two are married to each other, not the OW. So, forgot the ow and let your husband deal with her the way he thinks is best.

 

You can only trust him no matter how hard it is and he has to be open with you. It is the only way to make progress.

[Mary3]

Sunrise001 has no other alternative than believe what he says if she wants to save her marriage. That it was not physical. What difference does it make if it was physical?

 

 

 

My husband has affair few years ago. It was emotional and I think he was in love with her or at least fascianted. They were lot together and I really don't know was there physical or not, but I have to trust what I have told.

 

It hurt so much to know you are not the only one, that there is someone elese your husband love/think. I got the feeling that he has to be hurt as much I was. But it wouldn't have done any progress to make him suffer.

 

 

 

The OW is not important thing here now. You (sunrise001) and your husband are important. You two are married to each other, not the OW. So, forgot the ow and let your husband deal with her the way he thinks is best.

 

You can only trust him no matter how hard it is and he has to be open with you. It is the only way to make progress.

 

I do not believe the advice you give sunrise001 is healthy. He has shown he has not let go.

Best sunrise started looking out for her OWN future and make plans to not have H in her life unless H breaks OFF all ties and contact with this OW. Listen and because he breaks that off whats to say he WONT do it again with someone else ??

 

Why does it matter if its physical ? It matters just as much . What if he or she has an STD ? What if a baby is created out of this ? No proof they are physical but COME on , 3 years and no physical is very hard to believe.

 

He is lying to his wife . He continues the charade for likely financial reasons. He wont let go til its all better for HIM. He is very selfish. He has BOTH.

 

It HURTS , of course it hurts , but I would rather see it plain living color than to be in DENIAL . Who wants to live with blinders on ? Your healing will take much longer.

[Taulu]

I do not believe the advice you give sunrise001 is healthy.

 

Why it is not healthy?

There are only two important persons in marriage, husband and wife. OW is just symptom of something, not the illness itself.

 

IF sunrise001 wants to try make her marriage working she has to focus in the marriage, not outside of it. Her H has to do the same thing.

 

Certainly her H has a lot to answer for. Trust won't come back in a moment. He has to understand that he must be open with her.

[Mary3]

Why it is not healthy?

There are only two important persons in marriage, husband and wife. OW is just symptom of something, not the illness itself.

 

IF sunrise001 wants to try make her marriage working she has to focus in the marriage, not outside of it. Her H has to do the same thing.

 

Certainly her H has a lot to answer for. Trust won't come back in a moment. He has to understand that he must be open with her.

 

I believe there are 3 people involved in this . There have been times where someone is not over someone else and the immediate victim suffers the most. That would be the wife.

 

The operative word here is * want * the H has to want to end this.