Need OW Point of View

[WalkOnWater]

Hi, I'm a MM involved with an OW and I need some advice. I've been reading some of the threads here for a while, learning the lingo, trying to understand things from the OW point of view. I'm hoping some OW can help me figure this out. From what I can tell, it seems in most cases, the OW waits for the MM to leave his M, but it rarely happens, and there's a lot of emotional pain involved, certainly for the OW, and many times for the MM too. It seems that the MM can't decide whether to leave his M or stay with his W, but in the end, he just can't get up the nerve to leave. He doesn't want to lose the OW, but the thought of D scares him, and so he does nothing, sits on the fence. In the meantime, the OW waits and waits and the pain just gets worse and worse. Most of the stories I've read here are from OW, but I've read a couple MM stories and they all sound very similar: OW wants MM to choose, MM can't choose, result: pain and suffering.

 

Here's my situation. I met OW about a year ago and we hit it off quickly and intensely. She's been in the OW position a few times before (first and only A for me), and it's always been the same for her: MM never leave their W's. I told her I wanted to leave my M to have a R with her, but she wouldn't let me. She said if I did, we'd both be racked with guilt, and in hindsight I see she is very smart and would be right. She said I couldn't leave for her, I had to leave b/c I couldn't live w/ W anymore. I went thru roughly 1/2 year of MC but after a while, I realized it wasn't helping. I couldn't get OW off my mind and couldn't put in 100% into MC. I finally decided to leave my W, which was a very, VERY difficult decision, and W and I suffered a lot of emotional pain. We're separated, but not D yet. But now that I've left, OW's not sure she wants a R w/ me. She feels that she contributed to the break-up of my M and feels guilty about that. She said in the past, with other MM, she wanted them to leave, but b/c they never did, she never thought I actually would. Now that it's happened, it's not turning out how she thought, feeling responsible for my leaving. I've tried telling her that she didn't break-up my M. M was in trouble long before I met her, and I never felt like she was trying to pull me away from M, but she still feels responsible. I sort of understand how she feels b/c truthfully if I hadn't met her, I'd probably still be M, but unhappily. MC said if it didn't happen with OW, b/c of state of M it would've happened with a different OW, or else my W would've had an A; our M was that bad.

 

OW and I have talked about NC/LC for a while so we each can think things thru. Actually, so SHE can think things thru b/c I know what I want, a R with her. But NC/LC doesn't happen. I'm ok w/ NC/LC b/c I want to do anything she needs to figure this out, but she calls/texts me almost daily. I love to hear from her and I always respond, but I'm not sure if that's the best thing.

 

I'm confused over what she may be thinking or how she's processing her feelings, and what I should do. Is there anything I CAN do? Do I just need to give her some time? Should I be more forceful and demand NC/LC for a while to make her think things thru on her own? I don't like the thought of that b/c I would miss her a lot, but if anyone thinks it's necessary I might. I just can't believe I'm in this situation. Seems like this is what many OW would dream of, yet here I am with the one OW who can't handle this. What should I do? Any help is very much appreciated. I love her dearly and really want this to work out. I mean literally, I would walk on water for her.

[2sure]

You know, some people just like the whole relationship dynamic of affairs.

Its a dynamic that does not exist anywhere else. Its not just the taboo and secretiveness either. Add to that the specialness that developes when you only see someone on a limited basis for good times only. No day to day, no obligations, no expectations. Its attractive. Think of someone with no children - they love babysitting their friends kids - and they love to send them home.

 

Its possible your OW has become comfortable with and now prefers the dynamics of an affair relationship.

 

It isnt guilt over the possibility of being a mere factor in the break up of your marriage. If that were the case, she would have felt more guility about having an affair with you while you were still with your wife.

[LavendarGirl]

WoW,

It sounds like it's been very recently that you and your W have separated. It might be that OW senses that your life is still chaos and/or that it is too early for you to get involved in a new R.

 

Also there is a good possibility that your OW has moved on, emotionally and/or with another R.

 

Scrape away the whole affair element to the relationship, and you have just that...a relationship, with all the challenges involved.

 

Perhaps it might be best to pursue your OW like you might a new dating partner? In other words, don't jump in with such high intensity. Ask her out for lunch or dinner. Take it one date at a time.

 

If she is calling and texting you daily, that's a sign that she's holding on at some level. What is the context of the conversations? Is it that she doesn't want to resume dating you? Moving in with you? Getting engaged? What is it exactly that she's reluctant about.

[jwi71]

You know, some people just like the whole relationship dynamic of affairs.

Its a dynamic that does not exist anywhere else. Its not just the taboo and secretiveness either. Add to that the specialness that developes when you only see someone on a limited basis for good times only. No day to day, no obligations, no expectations. Its attractive. Think of someone with no children - they love babysitting their friends kids - and they love to send them home.

 

Its possible your OW has become comfortable with and now prefers the dynamics of an affair relationship.

 

It isnt guilt over the possibility of being a mere factor in the break up of your marriage. If that were the case, she would have felt more guility about having an affair with you while you were still with your wife.

 

I agree 100% with this.

The forbidden fruit tastes far sweeter than the one in your hand.

[wildsoul]

It isnt guilt over the possibility of being a mere factor in the break up of your marriage. If that were the case, she would have felt more guility about having an affair with you while you were still with your wife.

AGREED! That sounds like a lie she's telling you, maybe one that she's telling herself. One of the reasons it sounds like a cover story is that it makes her sound "good," rather than one that really answers why she no longer wants you or is now undecided.

 

There's something else going on. Maybe she was enjoying the chase (or being chased) more than the catch/being caught. Maybe she's afraid you're going to cheat on each other. Or perhaps whatever it was that made her go into several relationships with unavailable men is driving her to end it with you now that you are available.

 

In any case, you have to decide if her being in contact feels good to you or if it's making you feel worse. N/C is best applied if it's primarily for YOUR healing, then secondarily to see if it heals the R.

 

I'm curious (since I'm dating a separated man) if you really feel that you can go into your next big R without taking a time-out. One of my concerns is that I could walk my guy through his separation/divorce because he swears he wants to spend his life with me, only to find out that he wants to date others after he's done with the transition. He claims to have gone through his grieving phase before he decided to cheat in his M. I don't think that sounds very realistic. Thoughts?

[jj33]

Oh my it sounds like she is one of those stereotypical OWs who chooses married men consciously or unconsciously because she doesnt want a real intimate relationship with someone who is single.

 

It must be very upsetting to feel that you are now single and could pursue a real whole relationship with her and she isnt able to accept that.

[WalkOnWater]

Am I ever glad I posted here!! Thank you everyone for your input. It's given me a lot to think about, a lot of things I never thought of before, and things to ask the OW. We're pretty open w/ each other and I don't feel either one of us hides anything from each other, at least not intentionally.

 

2sure, the bit about prefering the dynamics of an A over a real R, that may be true, but I don't think it's something she consciously does. It could be some kind of pattern that's just naturally formed within her. I will bring that up to her. I don't think she felt guilty about the A when I was still w/ my W b/c she assumed I wouldn't actually leave my W. Me not leaving, meant she wasn't breaking anything up, and therefore nothing to feel guilty about. Don't know for sure, but another thing to bring up w/ her.

 

LavendarGirl, you're right about the recent separation and OW wanting to give me time to heal. I want to make sure things settle down before firing up another R, but it's a tough balancing act b/c there's a lot of intensity in the R we currently have. Pls don't tell me she may have moved on I suppose it could be true, but that would be heartbreaking. I like your idea of slowing down, backing up a little. In fact, we've both talked about the idea of hitting the reset button. It would be nice if we could somehow wipe away the affair-nature of how we got started and restart clean. That's probably too idealistic, but maybe time apart would help. That's why I asked the question of doing NC/LC for a while. Get a fresh start. Our conversations are mixed. Sometimes we just chit-chat about what we're doing that day, other times we talk seriously about the issue of what we're going to do w/ each other. Moving in, engagement, that's way too early for where we're at. She's reluctant about, .... actually, I'm not really sure what she's reluctant about and I don't think she is either. It's just that this is so new to her and she doesn't know where to put her feelings. It's something she didn't expect to happen.

 

Wildsoul, very insightful. If she's telling a lie, I think it's one she's telling to herself. Unless I'm totally clueless, I always feel that she is very honest w/ me. Similar to what 2sure said, I will ask her about the idea of liking the chase/being chased, and now that's over, things don't seem the same. The thing about whether contact feels good to me is not easy to answer. On the one hand, I love talking w/ her, so from that point it DOES feel good to me. But on the other hand, I wonder if she needs some time to herself to figure out her feelings, figure out what she really wants. I don't feel I need NC for MY healing. I'm just wondering if it would do some good for HER, even if she doesn't think so. Regarding your MM situation, if he's like me, then I would agree w/ him even though it doesn't sound very realistic. Although technically I'm still M on paper, I pulled out of my M emotionally a few years ago. I should've gotten counseling then, or a D, but I guess I was lazy. Meeting the OW gave me the shove I needed to act. And again if he's like me, I wouldn't worry about him wanting to date others after he's over his D. I have no desire for that at all.

 

jj33, I hope you're not right. One of the things she says she learned from me is that she DOES desire a healthy R with a single guy. We have a pretty intimate depth of connection, and she enjoys the R we have but has learned that she wants that kind of connection in a real R, not w/ a MM. I think part of the problem is that even though I will eventually be single, we got started when I was a MM, and she may be having trouble making the mental transition from MM to single guy. It IS upsetting that she's not sure of herself right now, but it's only been 2-3 weeks that we've picked up on this problem. I'm just looking for advice on anything I can say or do to help her figure out her feelings.

 

Thanks again for all the input. This is new to me too, and I want to make I sure I don't mess things up. You've given me some really good things to think about.

[jj33]

I dont mean to be negative and I really really hope it works out for you. It seems so unfair with so many people hoping against hope that the person they are involved with is serious about leaving so they can be together, that here you ARE serious about it and she is uncomfortable.

 

Maybe it is guilt but ... she has been here before (with married men) this wouldnt be a new thing. I would be wary. You have been through a lot.

 

You have been very courageous to face your unhappiness in your marriage and to believe in a brighter future for yourself. And you deserve to find that happiness.

[Myusername]

Darn..lol sent a long reply and lost it. Sorry about that.

I have to agree with a lot of other posters here and I think you are being wise and aware in your questions. I think that it is probably very challenging to go from MM and OW, to single man and regular girlfriend. Dynamics change, and so many things change. You would think it would be so much easier, and a wonderful chance to finally be together, but i think it takes time, thought, authenticity and so many other things. Wish it were simpler. You seem like a caring man, and I wish you the best

MUN

[LavendarGirl]

Hey WoW,

Are you saying that you and your OW broke up over 6 months ago? Because you wanted to try and fix your M by going to MC? Do you think that part of your OW's reluctance is that you guys already broke up, essentially, months ago, and maybe she's not wanting to open up old wounds?

[jj33]

And as for your question. Yes you should be more forceful and ask her for NC. The LC is not doing you any good. If she doesnt want to move forward you deserve to be truly single to build a new life for yourself.

[NoIDidn't]

And as for your question. Yes you should be more forceful and ask her for NC. The LC is not doing you any good. If she doesnt want to move forward you deserve to be truly single to build a new life for yourself.

 

I agree. What's the point of getting out of a bad marriage and into a bad relationship with someone else?

 

I think its something that hasn't been listed hear yet, though. I think she liked the competition against your W and now that there is no competition she has nothing to compare herself to. Her having been an OW several times says she doesn't feel guilt about the affairs. So it doesn't make sense that she feels guilty about a marriage actually breaking up when its what she has wanted for so long.

 

She might be used to wondering why she was never good enough (her negative self-talk, not my judgment of her) for the other MM to leave that she's sabotaging this relationship.

[child_of_isis]

It sounds as if she laid it out for you but you didn't listen. She told you she didn't want you to leave your wife.

 

She doesn't want you unless you belong to someone else.

 

Sorry to give it to you like that. But it's the cold hard facts of life. She is a serial OW. And you can't fix her. If she does succumb to the appearance of being fixed,(by you) she will cheat on you.

 

The writing is on the wall, all you have to do is read it. Because eventually, you will wise up & crave the stability of your W. But she'll have moved on.

[WalkOnWater]

Myusername, you're right, moving from OW/MM to a normal R is more difficult than I thought, and she thought. I think I'm more ready than she is, and it's something neither of us expected. We expected I would be the one to need time to heal. I guess I'll have to be patient and see how things play out.

 

LavendarGirl, no we didn't actually break up. We reached a point where she didn't want to go any farther in the R until I gave my M a good try. I did what I could, but my mind was always on the OW. We cut way back on our contact but didn't eliminate it entirely.

 

jj33, I see your point about needing to move on if she doesn't want to move forward. But, I feel like I need to give her more time. I guess I don't want to get in the situation I see so many OW on here in, where they're waiting and waiting and waiting, ...... I don't know how to set a timeframe. I've essentially told her the ball's in her court. She knows how I feel, but how long do I wait? I have a feeling that the way I feel about her, I would wait far too long before giving up hope.

 

NoIDidn't, I guess I don't see it as moving into another bad R. I still think we have a lot of potential, and I think she sees it too, it's just that this has never happened to her before (me either), and she's not sure of herself. She told me last weekend that she normally feels in control of her feelings, but not right now, and she doesn't know where to put her feelings. I can see how you might think what you wrote about her guilt not making sense. All I can say is, when we talk about it, I can see the conflict in her, her eyes, her facial expressions, body language, I really do believe she's conflicted over this, feels remorse about her responsibility in actually breaking up a M. Interesting point you raise about not feeling good enough b/c of previous A's. I'll ask her about that.

 

child_of_isis, she didn't say she didn't want me to leave my W, only that if I leave, I leave b/c I can't be with W, not because I want to be with OW. In other words, she didn't want to be the reason I left my M. "She doesn't want me unless I belong to someone else." Yeah, that kinda fits in with some previous posts about forbidden fruit tasting sweeter. The cold hard facts may be cold and hard, but I believe in her. I really do love her and can't give up on her just yet. And whether she'd cheat on me? Well, isn't that true of just about anyone, given the right circumstances? That's not a reason for me to give up on her. My W is stable all right, but there's no real love left between us. It'll be better for both of us in the long run to move on.

[norajane]

One of the things she says she learned from me is that she DOES desire a healthy R with a single guy. We have a pretty intimate depth of connection, and she enjoys the R we have but has learned that she wants that kind of connection in a real R, not w/ a MM. I think part of the problem is that even though I will eventually be single, we got started when I was a MM, and she may be having trouble making the mental transition from MM to single guy.

 

No, that's usually the other way around. Separated MM is the one who has trouble with the transition to being single and OW is still on pins and needles about his difficulty in extricating himself from his marriage.

 

There are many threads here written by OW who have separated MM, and they are desperately trying to hold themselves back from pushing MM to get his ass in gear and get his head OUT of his marriage and INTO their relationship.

[frannie]

... It seems that the MM can't decide whether to leave his M or stay with his W, but in the end, he just can't get up the nerve to leave.... I told her I wanted to leave my M to have a R with her, but she wouldn't let me... She said I couldn't leave for her, I had to leave b/c I couldn't live w/ W anymore.

 

But now that I've left, OW's not sure she wants a R w/ me.

 

I know what I want, a R with her.

 

... but she calls/texts me almost daily. I love to hear from her and I always respond, but I'm not sure if that's the best thing.

 

I would walk on water for her.

 

OK this might sound contraversial, might be wrong, but I think you're chasing her too much, and doing too much to please her and I think she's getting cold feet because you're too keen and too perfect.

 

I think you've overturned her 'safe' if frustrating world of being an OW into the possibility of a real, open relationship, and that's scaring the pants off her (and not in a good way). It will probably take a while for her to even get used to the idea that you've left...

 

On the other hand, if she knows much about MM, she knows that while they may leave, they may also go back. They may also cheat again. And actually, since you're not yet divorced (and I'm not criticising here), but since you're still married, she's still got reasons to be cautious.

 

So, hm. Those are my thoughts. I think that you could ease back on things, maybe not stated as baldly as 'NC' or 'LC', but just take some time to get to know each other better (I know its been a year, but you've been working on your marriage half of that)... IS she open to just dating, with no expectations? Has she ever dated anyone that's available?

 

I think this will be an uphill struggle, but it might be worth it. Of course the other thing to consider, related to what your MC said... if it hadn't been her it might have been someone else, since your M was that bad. Well... now you ARE more or less a free man. Perhaps she sees that you could be better suited to someone else, perhaps doesn't feel enough of a connection with you. PERHAPS this is all to the good..?

 

Maybe try not to focus on her quite so much. Try to remember that you didn't (or shouldn't have) left your M because of someone else, but because it was broken. And give her time. Treat it as a new dating experience which may, or may not, lead to anything in the future. That will take the pressure off the both of you, I think.

[MillieJackson]

Speaking from my current experience, I would not want my "affair" to ever turn into a "relationship". It becomes too real for a variety of reasons. I'm not even sure I can articulate it all because I've never really thought about it, but off the top of my head...

 

1. The affair for me has been a fantasy, a perfect Utopia. I get all the good parts of him without having to deal with any real life issues or bad parts. its all honeymoon. Somebody else deals with his flaws, stresses, life struggles, dirty laundry, moods, emotions, kids and all those real life things people in real relationships do... On a less superficial level - I have intimacy issues. having an affair allows me to have that honeymoon type relationship without having to address or deal with that.

 

2. Trust. He's been sleeping with me for close to 10 years and I'm sure I'm not the only one. I'd never trust him. If I took the chance and trusted him and it blew up in my face, I'd have nobody to blame but myself because I knew what he is to the woman he's involved with - a liar and a cheater. Adversely, I'd always wonder and be afraid that he didn't trust me because I have been sleeping with a man I know is married.

 

3. Changing the dynamic to the relationship is hard. For me because its always been a fantasy world. Although intimate, because of what it is, there has always been a wall. To keep in the role of fantasy and to protect myself, I've never really allowed myself to be fully venerable with him. Dropping my gaurd and suddenly seeing him as somebody a can share something real with may be impossible for me. The idea of sharing something real actually terrfies me.

 

3. Specifically in your case, I would not trust my MMs feelings if he had just left his wife and things have been turbulent for some time. He doesn't know what he wants, he could be rebounding, grasping, confusing his current state as love for me. I wouldn't want to be swept up in his uncertain turmoil because it may end up being devastating to me. I'd prefer if I knew he had time to come to terms with his marriage, work on himself and knew what he wanted for sure. If he still claimed to love me after the dust had settled, I may trust those feelings more.

 

As for her feeling guilty about breaking up the marriage - I don't know about that.

[OWoman]

WoW, I was in a somewhat similar situation to your OW. I've had several As with MM, and when I entered my current R with my current MM I also told him quite clearly that I did not want him to leave his M for me. However, the A opened his eyes to how bad his M actually was (despite his friends and family having told him this for decades, it was only through exploring something else that he came to see for himself) and he left.

 

But the difference is - he went through counselling (IC and family counselling, but not MC as his W refused to go) and made the decision based on his own needs, and the needs of his kids, for a better life - and I did not see it as my doing or my responsibility. I did not feel guilty. From the outset, I'd been upfront about what I wanted, and what I didn't, and had insisted that he (as I'd done with all my MMs before) careful consider potential consequences before embarking on anything with me. He was responsible for his own choices and decisions, as I was for mine. I was not responsible for his marriage breaking up - they were. We were both clear about that. We're now together.

 

I'm less inclined than other posters to see your OW's stance as some fatal flaw within her that needs to be healed - though, of course, she may have such; but I don't think her behaviour necesssarily attests to that. For me, it was simply choices I made in my best interests at the time. I have other interests now and make other choices, as one does. I think she may genuinely feel guilt at her role - particularly if she was uncomfortable with her role as OW, preferring a "real R" to an A. Now that she's actually got what she wanted, she's confronted with the enormity of it, the enormity of your sacrifice "for her" and wondering whether or not she can measure up to that in terms of what she has to offer you, and the R.

 

Just as MM nostly need time to grieve and move into D status from their M, so she may need time to grieve and move into her new status. She may feel uncomfortable with the label she's assuming (of "homewrecker") and may need time to deal with that. She may want time out from you so that you can start afresh and appear to others as a new couple rather than there being evidence that you had a R before, while still M. Or she may need time to consider what kind of R she really wants, now that there are options.

 

Of course, it may be that your leaving has confronted her with a picture of herself that she simply can't live with - so that her only option is to end the R and try to save herself elsewise. Or, she may have seen a side of you (revealed through the break) that she finds startling and unexpected, that she doesn't see a future with. Or, she may find the pressure of expectation (for a serious R, which she may not want or want yet) too much to cope with... and it may not be a question of time, but of parting.

 

Either way, it might be the kind of discussion best mediated by a third party - some kind of counselling, or an objective enough friend, who can ask the right questions of both of you (together or separately) to uncover if what you want as individuals is complementary, and to uncover the reservations she has and you may also have, unconsciously, to see if they are surmountable and if so how.

 

I don't see this with the same doom and gloom as the others - I think these transitions are possible to work through, if what you both want is aligned enough. Good luck - I hope it works out for you!

[LavendarGirl]

LavendarGirl, no we didn't actually break up. We reached a point where she didn't want to go any farther in the R until I gave my M a good try. I did what I could, but my mind was always on the OW. We cut way back on our contact but didn't eliminate it entirely.

 

WoW, I'm asking this genuinely because I'm trying to come to terms with my own xA with a MM.

 

When you and your OW decided to put things on hold so you could give your M a try...and I'm guessing that was for no less than 6 months. And during that time, you and your OW had extremely limited contact. Were you thinking that you and your OW were truly on hold? Like a pause button, and then you could pick up where you left off if the M didn't work out?

 

Okay, I know the tone is accusatory. And I apologize. I'm just trying to understand the MM mentality, what is being expected/assumed on the OW's end when the M is put in the forefront with the chance of the M being mended.

[2sunny]

if you did counseling, were you honest about having the OW and that she was affecting your feelings in the M?

 

if that wasn't addressed while you did counseling - then maybe you could go back and gain some understanding of the TRUTH of what was happening while the affair was involved in the M.

 

the reality may be that she doesn't trust. she may not want to lose her single life, she may not want as many demands that a full time relationship takes, she may not believe that you will follow through with the D...

 

ask her what the issue is... it could be a number of things. when you know where her reluctance lies - then you both can decide if it's worth addressing and if you both intend to work through the hurdle. to not know what is bothering her is just shooting in the dark. ask.

[WalkOnWater]

norajane, I appreciate your perspective and maybe that's the way it USUALLY is, but I think in my/our case it's different. I feel like I'm the one on pins and needles waiting to see how OW sorts out her feelings. I feel like my head & heart have been out of my M for several years, just living in a shell of a M w/ no substance. When I told OW my plans to leave my W, I don't think she expected it to happen as quickly as it did and she was caught off guard.

 

frannie, I've seen your posts on some other threads and have found them to be very insightful, and I'm glad you chimed in. I love what you said about treating things as a new dating experience. I think that will help a lot if we can adopt that mentality. And I agree about chasing her too much. Patience, time, that's the message I get from your post. I will try to do that, and I will ask her about dating w/ no expectations. She HAS dated available guys before, one of which was quite serious, but she's never been M.

 

MillieJackson, thanks for your insight. I think my OW is a little like you in that b/c of previous MM's, she's built a wall to protect herself. Like you, she may be having a hard time allowing herself to open up. When we last talked, she was very conflicted about her feelings. I also think she feels as you do about being so close to the break-up of my M and me needing time to work on myself.

 

OWoman, wow, what a reply! I don't know if it's just me or others feel the same way when they read what you wrote, but it's obvious you know a lot! Thank you very much. I liked it so much I copied your post into an email and just sent it to OW, hoping it helps her sort things out. I hate calling her OW. In my mind, she's THE woman, not the OW. Since I'm technically still M, I guess she is still the OW, but I wish there was a better term to use. Anyways, thank you again, you've given me a ton of stuff to think about. You ended by saying it might be good to seek counseling. I wish there was a way YOU could be our counselor!

 

LavendarGirl, your tone doesn't sound at all accusatory to me, no problem w/ the questions. Initially, when I started working on my M through MC and IC, yes, it did feel sort of like a pause button, like we were on hold. We both felt though, that if I was able to revive the M, we still wanted to maintain a friendship. In hindsight, that would've been extremely difficult and would've required my W to know and be ok with the friendship. Very doubtful. As counseling went on, and I could see that progress wasn't happening, the pause button slowly got released.

 

2sunny, yes, I was very honest about OW's affect on me. My W and MC and IC knew about her and how she was on my mind a lot and was the reason I couldn't give 100% to MC. I agree that not knowing what is bothering OW is just shooting in the dark. I have asked, and she's still very unsure of her feelings at this point. It's something we're both working on, trying to understand. Neither of us has been here before, and this website is a great resource for help.

 

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply.

[wildsoul]

Since I'm technically still M, I guess she is still the OW, but I wish there was a better term to use.

Oh my, you've been married awhile.

 

I believe the term you are looking for is GIRLFRIEND.

 

My beloved

Sweetheart

Love of my life

Darling

....those are all good too.

[WalkOnWater]

That made me laugh, thx for the humor. Girlfriend, I'd LOVE to call her that, just need to know from her if that's what she wants! Sweetheart, darling, beautiful, gorgeous, she's all those to me and more.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

She doesn´t love you and told you she didn´t want you to get divorced.

 

But you went all the way and got divorced anyway and now she doesn´t know what to do with you.

 

All this about guilt etc is just an excuse, she feels guilty that she broke up your marriage for nothing.

[WalkOnWater]

My darling didn't say she didn't want me to get D, only that if do, I don't do it b/c of her, I do it b/c I can't stay M.

 

I have thought about what you suggest, that she doesn't really love me and broke up my M for nothing. I used to be scared of D thinking if things didn't work out w/ my sweetheart, I'd regret D. At that point, I realized I would've been leaving my M for her. But as time went on, I decided that even if things don't work out w/ her, I'll be better off D. I think things happen for a reason sometimes, and if things don't work out w/ my beloved, then I'll see this A as having been the vehicle necessary to get out of a bad M and for my W and I to have happier lives. I hope what you're saying doesn't turn out to be true, but I'm prepared for it if it turns out that way. Either way, she'll always be the love of my life. (Thanks WildSoul!! )