Need OW Point of View

[wildsoul]

All this about guilt etc is just an excuse, she feels guilty that she broke up your marriage for nothing.

Yikes. When he said she felt guilty, it didn't make a lot of sense. I was thinking she felt some guilt toward the BS, and that didn't seem possible since she'd already cheated. But your interpretation sounds the closest to what she actually said, with the painful but possibly true qualifier, "...for nothing."

 

Speaking as a woman dating a separated man, it's occurred to me too, "OMG, what if he finally does get his divorce and what if it turns out I don't love him as much as I think I do?" The guilt would be horrible, as does the sense of obligation.

 

Ariadne, you might be on to something. But you could be going too far to say that she doesn't love him. The guilt part now makes sense though.

[2sunny]

i think it would be telling to sit back for a while and allow her to understand how she feels when you don't contact her or make an effort to see her for a while.

 

her actions or her reaction may tell you what her real intentions are...

 

she'll either get all in a panic because she wants to see you or she'll simply not contact you at all (then you know that you are not that important to her).

[GreenEyedLady]

I think you should stop calling her.

 

You said yourself that your M sucked. At least you are out of that.

 

I don't know your OW. I just know that when my now H ended his M, that everything was "us." We got each other through the tough times that followed, although I know that we were very lucky and we did not go through what many couples who are in the same shoes do.

 

But I do know that when you want to be with someone, you show them. She's not doing that right now. Go out, date and put her to the back of your mind.

 

That's what she's doing to you. Time to play her game.

 

GEL

 

P.S. To all those who'll say it's not a game, yadayadayada, get real. She's got her game on, time to catch up.

[WalkOnWater]

wildsoul, glad you elaborated on the guilt, and I understand more what Ariadne meant. I hadn't really thought about it that way. In talking with her about her feeling of guilt, I think it's more like what OWoman said about dealing with her perception of being a homewrecker and having to deal with that. I think she might be worried that a R with me may always be tainted by the fact that it began with the break-up of my M.

 

2sunny, my thoughts exactly, glad you confirmed them. She's been on business all this week and will be very busy next week. We had discussed chilling out these 2 weeks to let each other sort things out, but didn't decide anything definite. We texted/emailed beginning of the week, but I haven't heard from her since Tues PM. I sent her an email this AM with some questions stimulated by posts to this thread. I'll wait to see what happens. Thanks for the advice.

[WalkOnWater]

GEL, missed your reply while I was posting. I should tell you it was one of your posts I read a while back about moving mountains that helped me decide to leave my M. I had been stuck in limbo for a long while, and your words stimulated me to action. Sounds like your post confirms what 2sunny said, which I'm inclined to do. When you say you got each other through tough times, does that mean you supported your now H through his separation and D? OW has said maybe that's what she needs to do w/ me for the present, be there as a friend as I go through the D. I'm divided about that. I want her to know what's going on, but I worry that dragging her through my D may make her feel even more guilty. I don't think I could start dating right now. She's too much on my mind, and it wouldn't be fair to anyone else to date right now; I just know if I was on a date, I'd be thinking about OW. I feel like I need to resolve where we're at and what she wants to do. I do agree w/ you that it's time to let her show me her intentions. I have a hard time thinking she's playing games w/ me or doing anything TO me. Do you really think so? The vibes I get from her are that she's really in a state of conflict and trying to understand where to put her feelings. Thanks for your thoughts.

[GreenEyedLady]

I should tell you it was one of your posts I read a while back about moving mountains that helped me decide to leave my M. I had been stuck in limbo for a long while, and your words stimulated me to action.

 

When you say you got each other through tough times, does that mean you supported your now H through his separation and D? I'm divided about that.

 

I want her to know what's going on, but I worry that dragging her through my D may make her feel even more guilty.

 

I don't think I could start dating right now. She's too much on my mind, and it wouldn't be fair to anyone else to date right now; I just know if I was on a date, I'd be thinking about OW.

 

I feel like I need to resolve where we're at and what she wants to do. I do agree w/ you that it's time to let her show me her intentions.

 

The vibes I get from her are that she's really in a state of conflict and trying to understand where to put her feelings. Thanks for your thoughts.

 

I hope you don't regret leaving.

 

When I say that we got through the tough times together, I mean that he moved in with me right away and we went through it together. I knew what was going on and I supported him. He gave me support when I needed it because I moved 100 miles away from my family and friends and changed jobs. It was alot of change and I am happy to say that we made it through it even stronger as a couple. It wasn't long after his D was final that we married. I must say that we were together over 3.5 years when we married.

 

Honestly, if she loves you, the guilt is not the overriding emotion right now.

 

I know that you think you can't date right now. You are separated. You can go out and date casually, meet for coffee. Unless you're asking out women and telling them you want a serious r, it's not unfair to your dates. Single people are used to this. Some people want casual, some want serious. I really think that you are letting her have all the say here. Mix it up. Do something you haven't done before. She's pulling all the strings here. Make her show her hand.

 

Anyways, that's what I think. Because I was the OW, and the only thing I wanted was my honey to myself. AND I KNEW IT WITHOUT A DOUBT.

 

Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't appreciate it.

 

Good Luck!

 

GEL

[White Flower]

Not sure if anyone's brought this up yet so sorry if I'm repeating myself. Is anyone concerned that lurking MM will read the OP's post and go screaming in the wind because if they were thinking of leaving they now have this awkward and unforeseen scenario in their head? LOL, WalkonWater, you don't have to address this as I'm not blaming you for bringing up your POV. Just sayin'.

 

W.O.W., (I sure like your acronym:)), perhaps your OW is just waiting for some time to pass to sort of clear the air so that it appears you are not leaving for her but that you are leaving a M that was bad? The perceived guilt of 'breaking up a marriage' could be what is closing her off. If that is the case, only time will tell.

[Ariadne]

I think things happen for a reason sometimes, and if things don't work out w/ my beloved, then I'll see this A as having been the vehicle necessary to get out of a bad M and for my W and I to have happier lives.

 

Well, I guess so. And good luck to you with the OW.

 

If she understands that you got divorced just because your marriage was not working maybe she won´t feel the pressure and continue to have an easy going relationship.

[Ariadne]

Speaking as a woman dating a separated man, it's occurred to me too, "OMG, what if he finally does get his divorce and what if it turns out I don't love him as much as I think I do?" The guilt would be horrible, as does the sense of obligation.

 

Yes.

 

I remember when I was the OW I longed and longed for him to get divorced and be with me because I loved him so much.

 

And he told me that if he did, it was never going to work and we´d end up divorced the same way.

 

And he was right. Now I think that if he did get divorced I´d feel all weirded out and not want to have much to do with him and probably dump him eventually.

 

We were not really that compatible either in many things, just that the chemistry was very high.

[Adunaphel]

I think she may genuinely feel guilt at her role - particularly if she was uncomfortable with her role as OW, preferring a "real R" to an A. Now that she's actually got what she wanted, she's confronted with the enormity of it, the enormity of your sacrifice "for her" and wondering whether or not she can measure up to that in terms of what she has to offer you, and the R.

 

I think I can relate to some degree.

Two months ago MM and his W went to see an attorney and started separation proceedings. They will probbaly be separated in a couple of months. A few days after their visit to the attorney, I started panicking, which resulted on a severe nervous breakdown on my part.

I literally chickened out of the relationship, MM was (very understandably) very hurt. We broke up. I did not see this coming until it happened.

 

I panicked so much (even if I perfectly knew the situation) for a number of reasons.

I tend to suffer from depression. I am also very anxious and a much weaker person than I like to admit.

MM after the separation will probably be in a difficult financial situation.

I myself do not currently have a job and I am not finding one.

On a side I was feeling like a totally worthless person who should NOT be in a relationship, on the other side I was scared MM might have ruined his life to be with me and I felt extremely guilty. I felt responsible for screwing up his life. What if I could not be able to find a decent job and to afford moving to his city to be with him? What if things do not work out between us and he ends up in a very difficult situation "for nothing"?

 

Luckily MM and I got back together not long after. Now I must be very careful, work on some issues on my own, work on the relationship, and I cannot afford to have another nervous breakdown.

 

WalkOnWater, I wonder if the reason why your OW is unsure has to do with you, or with herself.

Is she an independent person, who is able to be on her own?

 

Like other posters, I find it hard to believe that guilt is the only reason why she is now unsure.

If it is only about guilt, or about feeling a lot of responsability on his shoulders, knowing that you did not separate *for her* but for yourself, and that you'd happy to be separated even if things did not work well with her (I hope this is the case) should probably suffice to put her at ease.

 

Feeling guilty because your partner got separated is quite different than feeling guilty because your partner got separated *and* while you want to be with him, you are not sure you will want to be with him for ever, but you feel that you *have* to because he separated, and both of the above are different than feeling guilty because your partner got separated and you realized you are not interested in him enough to commit to him right now.

 

I am not sure if this makes any sense.

 

If you do not mind the question, has she been exclusive to you while you were having the affair?

[WalkOnWater]

GEL, no I don't regret leaving. My W and I are in better places now. Unlike you, my OW and I have not even discussed living together. We're on opposite sides of the country, she's busy w/ career, I'm busy getting my life back together. I see what you mean about love, guilt, and and the overriding emotion. It's like Ariadne said, maybe she doesn't really love me but I thought she did b/c of the chemistry. Yes, she is pulling all the strings, but I'm ok w/ that for now. I don't have a desire to date right now, and if she needs time to figure things out, she can have it. I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to pressure her into a decision. I'd love for her to feel like you did, that you wanted your now H all to yourself, but I want her to come to that conclusion on her own. And if it turns out that's not what she wants, I'll live. I don't feel that I'm wasting time on her. It may be a long shot, but the feelings I have for her make it seem worth it.

 

WhiteFlower, interesting thought. I guess if there ARE MM thinking about making a move, this should give them pause. As others have said, they should NOT leave their M for the OW, they should only leave if they can't stay M. It's a crazy process to go through trying to disentangle thoughts and emotions. And the same goes for lurking OW who think they want their MM to leave, it may not be as rosy as they hope. A's are more trouble than they're worth in my mind, but they do happen, and this seems like a good place to learn from other experiences. BTW, WOW also stands for Women of Wisdom, which I've already found a bunch of here!!

 

Ariadne, I very much appreciate your POV. What happened with you and your xMM is not what I'm hoping for, but it's waking me up to a possible reality that I may have to face. Thanks for sharing.

 

----------

I've learned a lot in the last 2 days. My feeling at this point is that I still believe in OW, want to believe in her, and I'm willing to risk the vulnerability of getting hurt in order to let her decide what she wants. I've told her what I want, and I've told her I don't want to pressure her into anything. She can have as much time as she needs to figure out her feelings. I've never been one to purposely date. Chance meetings and chemistry is how I've found R's in the past, and I'm ok w/ continuing that way.

 

I got a quick email reply from her last night and then again this morning saying she's really busy w/ work and some new career opportunities have arisen. I think her mind is elsewhere right now, and I need to give her some time to think.

 

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to help me understand how OW may be thinking and reacting. Your input has taken away a lot of the wondering and confusion I had just 2 days ago. I'm not as worried about things now, but I'm still hoping they work out.

[WalkOnWater]

Adunaphel, these stories keep coming out about OW/MM situations that had problems after he left his M. You're making me nervous again!!! Just kidding, but I wonder why I never saw threads about this before. All I ever found were OW hoping their MM would leave, but not wanting them to leave for them. The fact that you and MM had a little hiccup and then got back together makes me think that's what OW and I need, a little time apart to get over the fact that I'm now much more available than I was. OW is very independent, very strong, and does well on her own. She has not been totally exclusive to me during the A. She's had 2 casual dates that I know of during the A, but not seriously interested in anyone.

[Adunaphel]

Adunaphel, these stories keep coming out about OW/MM situations that had problems after he left his M. You're making me nervous again!!! Just kidding, but I wonder why I never saw threads about this before. All I ever found were OW hoping their MM would leave, but not wanting them to leave for them. The fact that you and MM had a little hiccup and then got back together makes me think that's what OW and I need, a little time apart to get over the fact that I'm now much more available than I was. OW is very independent, very strong, and does well on her own. She has not been totally exclusive to me during the A. She's had 2 casual dates that I know of during the A, but not seriously interested in anyone.

 

I have to say that I never really felt like I did not want to be with him anymore, I was just scared to death to ruin his life and to land him in huge trouble. I still am, actually.

Were I a strong, independent person who does well on her own, I would have never panicked in the first place. Well, I guess I have to do my best to become strong, independent and decent relationship material asap.

 

Anyway... if your OW truly loves you, I think it is only a matter of time before she overcomes the guilt she is feeling right now.

She also might be flooded by all the new options that are now available to her - getting *really* serious, considering a real future together, so if she never asked herself before where she'd like your relationship to head, now she *has* to. Or probably feels like she has to.

[frannie]

OWoman, wow, what a reply! ... I liked it so much I copied your post into an email and just sent it to OW, hoping it helps her sort things out.

 

We texted/emailed beginning of the week, but I haven't heard from her since Tues PM. I sent her an email this AM with some questions stimulated by posts to this thread. I'll wait to see what happens. Thanks for the advice.

 

Hello again WoW

 

See, I don't think this is a good idea. I think she needs more time, and no pressure, for whatever her reasons are. I think that if she hasn't emailed you for a few days, the last thing to do is email her with a list of questions about why she's holding back. Nor is forwarding her this thread, or any posts from it going to make her feel at ease. All it will show is you fussing over her, and almost trying to analyse her and I don't think that's a good idea. Any of that has to come from her, if at all.

 

Sometimes these things just work out naturally. And she's busy, or says she is. So the best thing is surely to take her at her word, rather than risk peeing her off by forwarding information on reticent xOW while she's trying to finish off a report

 

Personally, I'd give her plenty of space and time. If you don't want to date then be doing something else, going out with friends, remaking your social network now you're divorced, and not focusing on her. Even if it means taking a 'break' from thinking of yourself as a couple.

 

Forget about the issues, and just give her the space she's asked for. If you want to know WHY, and analysing her, and trying to think what you should do in order to get her to do something else (like see you and commit to you), its just too much. Trying to work it out is probably putting her off more than anything.

 

I'd also add to those who taked about cold feet and say, whenever my MM talks seriously about leaving, my overwhelming feeling is a sort of scaredness. Mainly that's about feeling, IF he does this, then I'll feel responsible and I WILL feel that I owed it to him to make sure everything works out. I know that's not good, I talk myself out of it logically and intellectually, but it doesn't seem to stop the fear cutting in. So its very possible that she feels somethng the same.

 

My MM has said over and over it's not for ME he would be leaving (I've told him I don't want him moving any mountains, he's in his late 40s now and he'll do his back in), and he won't pressure me to see him, much less to leap into living with him, but even so, the fear comes back. And it is ridiculous because we've lived together part-time before while he was married, we get on so well its unbelievable, and I have nothing real to fear... And I do love him, and can't see myself with anyone else. But I can easily get scared! So your g/f might be feeling the same way.

[WalkOnWater]

frannie, another great post as always. When I get those anxious butterflies in my stomach, reading your words seems to bring me back to earth. Thanks! She and I both know we're trying to figure this out together. I'm torn between wanting to give her space, and wanting to make sure she doesn't feel unnecessarily guilty. I'm trying to help her with any unsureness in her thoughts. She has a very good friend, her best friend in fact, who's been in an A where the MM left his W and the R didn't work out so well. Her friend understands very well how both she and I are feeling right now. She's trying to learn from that and see how much applies to our situation. I'm trying to learn too, primarily from this forum, and we compare notes from time to time. I'm really trying hard not to appear that I'm pushing her into anything.

 

I like what you said that sometimes these things just work out naturally. It's very hard though to sit tight when I want her to know how I feel about her. I don't want to overwhelm her, but on the other hand I don't want her to think I don't care.

 

You're right about me thinking too much. She and I both realize I have a tendency towards analysis paralysis. It's something I have to watch constantly.

 

Your comments about your fear if your MM ever left his M are good to hear. It's exactly why I came to this forum -- for help in understanding the OW mindset. Thanks again!

[wildsoul]

Adunaphel, these stories keep coming out about OW/MM situations that had problems after he left his M. You're making me nervous again!!! Just kidding, but I wonder why I never saw threads about this before. All I ever found were OW hoping their MM would leave, but not wanting them to leave for them. The fact that you and MM had a little hiccup and then got back together makes me think that's what OW and I need, a little time apart to get over the fact that I'm now much more available than I was.

Ditto! I'm trying to sort through dating my SM and it's confusing. There's a zillion posts of R's that didn't work out, and the only real advice from people's who's did is something like: If he doesn't dump his W instantly to be with you, without ANY wavering whatsoever, then maybe you'll make it! (I'm exaggerating, and excepting GEL who admits she stuck with hers for a few years while he got D'd.)

 

Also, I'm relieved to hear this discussion of the OW's fears of "What if I get him and it doesn't work out?" That's practically a taboo topic here, as people say that if you don't know within an inch of your life that he is THE ONE then it's not love. Yikes, so much pressure.

 

I think what WOW, Adunaphel, and myself are experiencing (waves of forward and back, committment and fears both) is more realistic. There is no right-way, and as a R involves at least 2 people, it's dynamic. Allowing for movement without getting caught up in every wave, nor getting bashed about the rocky shore is what we need to do. Thank goodness for everyone in this forum! It's a life raft.

 

PS: WOW, there's a book that is really helpful. It's written for OW's but you'd probably get a lot from it too. It's called, "How to Survive Your Boyfriends Divorce: Loving your Separated Man without Losing Your Mind" by Robyn Todd.

[GreenEyedLady]

I am wondering here:

 

You two live on different sides of the country, correct?

 

Do you know for a fact that you are her only one?

[NoIDidn't]

Do you know for a fact that you are her only one?

 

I was thinking the same thing. And what Ariadne posted is starting to make more sense the more I read WoW's posts.

 

She likes him but she didn't want him leaving his M while THEY were in the A together because it doesn't sound like she wanted the pressure of continuing with him out of some sort of obligation - "he left his W for ME".

 

I definitely agree with not calling her for a bit. I wouldn't say that she is playing a game, but that she doesn't seem to want to alter her life because you altered yours. Hence the guilt, or whatever else it could be called.

[Freedom Now]

To the OP,

 

Years and years ago when I was young and quite naive, I got involved with a married attorney. Our affair had all the elements that affairs have....the romance, the secrecy, the passion....

 

He was married, I was married. We were involved for two years...and to add to the stress and nightmare of pain, I got pregnant.

 

She was born, ironically, on her dad's birthday. Her father is the attorney, my married lover at the time.

 

He left his wife a few months after our daughter was born, yet I hedged. I felt the emotions that the typical MM feels....How can I do this to my unsuspecting husband? Can I hurt my children (I had three at the time...)? Am I making the right decision?

 

A fluke revealed the affair, as it so often happens, btw....and I left. Took my kids and a suitcase and never returned. (Looking back, I have so many regrets, but that is beside the point now...)

 

Now that we were free, he wanted the whole world to know about us and our child. He wanted to share the rest of his life with me.

 

Now, this time was incredibly tumultuous for both of us, as you could imagine, but for ME, I had no idea that I would feel such guilt for doing such damage to these two families. I was so wrapped up in the fantasy that I didn't even think about the fall out...

 

Perhaps your OW feels the same. Once the fantasy of the affair is over, the hard, cold reality hits. And it doesn't feel good.

 

Long story short, I divorced my husband and left my MM. I have a good relationship with my ex husband, as I made amends to him and truly changed. (And athough I have never regreted leaving him, I DO regret the manner in which I left. No one deserves what I put him through.) I have a wonderful relationship with my ex lover, and he is a wonderful father, but this relationship is platonic. I never went back to him. I just....couldn't, out of respect to everyone.

 

So, as ugly as it was then, it is good now. But it took YEARS to happen. There is so much pain involved for everyone....

 

I don't know if what I am telling you helps, but you took me back to my situation all those years ago, and I remember how wracked with guilt I felt. It truly hit me like a ton of bricks....

 

I wasn't able to be with my lover due to the guilt....perhaps your OW is feeling the same thing.

 

I sympathize and understand your situation.

 

Best of luck.

[WalkOnWater]

wildsoul, thanks for the book recommendation, I ordered it and looking forward to reading it. The pressure you mentioned, "What if I get him and it doesn't work out?" is also felt by me. I've wondered, what if it doesn't work out? What if I had stayed M, stuck it out for a while, maybe after a few more years it would've gotten better? There's no easy answer. What helps me though is realizing that no matter which choice I made (to leave or stayed M), I'd always wonder "what if?" about the choice I didn't make.

 

GEL, I had the same question a month ago and I asked her. She said there's no one else in her life right now that's close to the kind of R we have. She has dated a couple times, casually, and even though I kinda wish she wouldn't, the fact that I'm still M doesn't give me much ground to stand on. I can't expect her to put her life on hold for me. But now that I'm separated, well, we haven't addressed the topic of dating others yet. She also told me there's an xMM that she was pretty involved w/ who still contacts her from time to time, but he has told her he's not leaving his W.

 

NoIDidn't (and others if they have advice), if you think I shouldn't call her for a while, how long do I wait? Should I wait indefinitely and let her make the next move? I mentioned earlier in the thread that I don't want to be pushy or clingy, but I also don't want to make it seem like I don't care. I texted her a couple of times over the weekend asking how she's doing, but haven't heard anything back. I'm afraid to push too hard, yet I don't want to ignore her. If she wants some space, I wish she'd just tell me. Women ARE rather complicated, don't you think? :)

 

Freedom Now, thanks for your post. I'm glad things eventually worked out for you, but I'm sorry to hear how tough it was. I guess I need to be prepared for something like that. The one difference that may be on my side is that my OW is not M, so doesn't have that guilt to deal with. I'm hoping, as others have said, if she truly loves me, the guilt of feeling like a homewrecker will pass.

[LavendarGirl]

Hi FreedomNow, what a story! Very touching. You say you have many regrets. Looking back do you think you and your MM would have had a chance had you stayed in town? Or is it just too impossible to guess at this point...?

[Freedom Now]

Hi FreedomNow, what a story! Very touching. You say you have many regrets. Looking back do you think you and your MM would have had a chance had you stayed in town? Or is it just too impossible to guess at this point...?

 

We wouldn't have gotten together no matter what.

 

I wanted my freedom for a bit, and he wanted to close in on me....

 

And, my family told me that if I ended up with him, they would disown me.

 

Plus, my husband at the time BEGGED me to end up with anyone BUT him.

 

The pain I caused was incredible.

 

I would never have been happy knowing that so many were miserable. And, yes, I know people move on....but we had a CHILD from the affair. That's a tough pill to swallow....

 

And, although I get along with him now, I don't think I could have standed living with him if we had married.

 

He's a control freak.

[NoIDidn't]

GEL, I had the same question a month ago and I asked her. She said there's no one else in her life right now that's close to the kind of R we have. She has dated a couple times, casually, and even though I kinda wish she wouldn't, the fact that I'm still M doesn't give me much ground to stand on. I can't expect her to put her life on hold for me. But now that I'm separated, well, we haven't addressed the topic of dating others yet. She also told me there's an xMM that she was pretty involved w/ who still contacts her from time to time, but he has told her he's not leaving his W.

 

NoIDidn't (and others if they have advice), if you think I shouldn't call her for a while, how long do I wait? Should I wait indefinitely and let her make the next move? I mentioned earlier in the thread that I don't want to be pushy or clingy, but I also don't want to make it seem like I don't care. I texted her a couple of times over the weekend asking how she's doing, but haven't heard anything back. I'm afraid to push too hard, yet I don't want to ignore her. If she wants some space, I wish she'd just tell me. Women ARE rather complicated, don't you think? :)

 

 

Wow (the actual word, lol). She is practically still being hunted by another MM and that's okay with you? I'm sorry, but a former boyfriend of any type still contacting an ex-girlfriend is sniffing around for something. And her telling you only means that she is good at covering her a$$ to me.

 

Sorry, WoW, but the more you type about her, the less she sounds like a viable relationship option. You type these things without any emotion at all. I find that amazing. Do you really want a relationship with a woman who was "pretty involved" with a MM other than yourself, and that man still contacts her - but its apparently okay because he isn't leaving his W but you already did so that makes her *yours* by default - as your girlfriend?

 

I'm not seeing the attraction.

[GreenEyedLady]

Wow (the actual word, lol). She is practically still being hunted by another MM and that's okay with you? I'm sorry, but a former boyfriend of any type still contacting an ex-girlfriend is sniffing around for something. And her telling you only means that she is good at covering her a$$ to me.

 

Sorry, WoW, but the more you type about her, the less she sounds like a viable relationship option. You type these things without any emotion at all. I find that amazing. Do you really want a relationship with a woman who was "pretty involved" with a MM other than yourself, and that man still contacts her - but its apparently okay because he isn't leaving his W but you already did so that makes her *yours* by default - as your girlfriend?

 

I'm not seeing the attraction.

 

I'm agreeing with you NID.

 

She doesn't seem like the OW who love their MM. She seems like it's more a lifestyle for her.

[WalkOnWater]

NoIDidn't & GEL, what you write makes me wonder a little too. I'm glad I posted here to get feedback like yours. I have to admit, from the outside it DOES look I'm in over my head. And maybe that's part of the problem, I often DO feel over my head when I think about how much I like her. I can only tell you that I feel an amazing connection with her. Either she's really good at manipulating me and creating the feeling of connection, or it's a real connection that we both feel. She says the latter, and I feel strongly that she is not a predatory woman. I really do believe she was unprepared for me to leave my M, and she's having trouble wrapping her head around that reality. As I said earlier, she's had R's with other MM and they never left, so I think she felt the same would happen w/ me. It may be, as GEL said, a lifestyle for her, but I'm prepared to change her lifestyle if she's willing. I really do enjoy every minute I'm with her, and I want to continue exploring a R w/ her. I may get hurt in the end, but that's a chance I'm willing to take. I want to give it a shot and see what happens.

 

Re the xMM that still contacts her, ... I'm ok w/ that. She says there's no chemistry between them anymore, and I believe her. I think it's become more of a "just friends" kind of R; I don't think he's "hunting" her. Sort of like Freedom Now's platonic R with her xMM. I know it may sound dubious, but I think she's being honest w/ me about that, and I trust her.

 

Thanks again for posting. Hearing objective points of view is exactly what I'm here for. Your opinions are much appreciated and are helping me navigate the uncharted waters I'm in.