I cheated myself and cheated on him

[lostsoulmate]

Still in limbo. The fiance still really doesn't want to talk to me about it. He did tell his father everything, now don't want to be around his dad. He really won't talk to me about it, but he let's me know that his dad cried when he told him I told my fiance I wasn't happy.

 

Was that a stab at me? I don't understand. I told him I don't want to be around his dad until we get things figured out and he said, Why? Don't want to be judged?

 

I haven't said anything to my parents, yet? I haven't even told them I am thinking about moving there, because I wanted to get things hashed out with my fiance first. Am I reading too much into his actions? I am probably just feeling guilty, which I should be!

[lostsoulmate]

Carhill . Great opening statement ! Are you in law ?

 

Okay as for OP, now you said you went down to another city 14 hours away . Did you plan to meet your old bf ?. Did you want to ? Are you sure this is not some unresolved set of old feelings ? I didn't plan to meet him. Don't know the answer to your second question.

 

So you leave with the child , throwing the childs life in turmoil and the dads life. So you go back and 2 weeks later you decide this is all a HUGE mistake ! Then what ? I am not going back to the ex. I need to find "me" again. I need to be happy again, as a single person.

 

Okay how long has it been since you have seen the old bf 14 hours away ??? Prior to this last trip ? I hadn't seen the ex for 4 years. We have spoke on the phone a few times.

How many months ?

 

People do change ....you may not see it but you BOTH have changed since your lovey dovey days. Time does that you know.

 

And while chemistry may always be there love changes. It must. And it does , with or without your consent.

 

I have figured out that all the problems I have are because I am not happy with who "I" have become. I need to fix that first. With or without my fiance.

[LovieDove24]

I have figured out that all the problems I have are because I am not happy with who "I" have become. I need to fix that first. With or without my fiance.

 

Congrats Lost! This is a HUGE step you are making just by even saying this. Yes reading this entire thread it seems you are very unhappy, not just with your fiance or the affair, but with your life in general. It truly sounds as if you have a mental recorder playing over and over in your head telling you you're a horrible person. That is self-abuse. Did you have a very critical parent or authority figure in your life growing up? I know you said you've been to counseling but maybe you should continue to go for "checkups" to keep yourself balanced and in check. To be honest, I grew up with two alcoholic parents and I am fully aware of the power of negative thinking. It's like I have a "critical parent" living inside my head. What has helped me through this is "retraining" my negative learned behaviors. I tell myself that the way I grew up is not the way the real world works. My survival tactics do not apply in real life situations so often times I have to ignore my gut, ignore that nagging feeling because its stemming from my abusive childhood. Please find anything and everything you can in your life to find happiness. No matter what man you end up with, in life all we have in the end is ourselves to answer to. Its the most important relationship of all.

[lostsoulmate]

I had a very abusive mother. She was a drug addict. I was running away from my ex when I moved here and met my fiance. That is a coping mechanism I learned from her. When the times got hard (or she owed someone money) she would move us.

 

I have talked with my family. Asked them if they think I am running. They don't think so. I mean, even if they did, I am running back home. That is something my mother never did.

 

I don't want to go to a counselor right now, I am afraid my fiance would use that against me. If we don't make it and have to go to court over our daughter. I know he would. He thinks it stupid to go talk to someone about your problems. He would even talk to me about "our" problems. That is a risk I am not willing to take right now.

 

Things have not gotten any better with the fiance. He overheard me talking to my family (I finally called them to talk about what was going on). I was talking to my step-mother about the coping mechanism I have with running. I said I didn't know if it was going to work out between my fiance and myself. Later that night he asked me if that is what I said, I told him yes. He got mad, told me I shouldn't have talked to my parents about something like that. He won't talk to me, who else can I talk to?

 

Only time will help me.

[You'reasian]

I had a very abusive mother. She was a drug addict. I was running away from my ex when I moved here and met my fiance. That is a coping mechanism I learned from her. When the times got hard (or she owed someone money) she would move us.

 

I have talked with my family. Asked them if they think I am running. They don't think so. I mean, even if they did, I am running back home. That is something my mother never did.

 

I don't want to go to a counselor right now, I am afraid my fiance would use that against me. If we don't make it and have to go to court over our daughter. I know he would. He thinks it stupid to go talk to someone about your problems. He would even talk to me about "our" problems. That is a risk I am not willing to take right now.

 

Things have not gotten any better with the fiance. He overheard me talking to my family (I finally called them to talk about what was going on). I was talking to my step-mother about the coping mechanism I have with running. I said I didn't know if it was going to work out between my fiance and myself. Later that night he asked me if that is what I said, I told him yes. He got mad, told me I shouldn't have talked to my parents about something like that. He won't talk to me, who else can I talk to?

 

Only time will help me.

 

Don't worry. I'm sure your man loves you - the two of you will work it out over time.

[lostsoulmate]

Don't worry. I'm sure your man loves you - the two of you will work it out over time.

 

 

I do not love him though. I am not happy with him. I want out to fix "me". I can't do that with him. He thinks I should just be happy with him. That is what he said.

 

The tunnel is dark, I know that there is a light at the end of it, but I am so far in I can't see it yet. But I am glad I know it there somewhere.

[DayDreamer75]

whatever you do, please don't rush into another relationship because it will make you even more unhappy. In order to have a good relationship with others you first have to have a good relationship with yourself. Take time for yourself and figure out what YOU need in order to be fine with your life. Neither your fiancee nor other guy can give you this or even if they can it won't be forever... think, think, think.

[lostsoulmate]

whatever you do, please don't rush into another relationship because it will make you even more unhappy. In order to have a good relationship with others you first have to have a good relationship with yourself. Take time for yourself and figure out what YOU need in order to be fine with your life. Neither your fiancee nor other guy can give you this or even if they can it won't be forever... think, think, think.

 

Thank you DayDreamer, I have figured out that much throughout this thread. And in my own life. I know that "I" have to be happy before anything else. I am working on that.

 

And for the last three weeks, all I have done is think, think, think, think, think, think... I wish I was Pooh Bear!

[whichwayisup]

I do not love him though. I am not happy with him. I want out to fix "me". I can't do that with him. He thinks I should just be happy with him. That is what he said.

Then get out. DO NOT stay with someone you don't love, even if it hurts him. Right now you are a mess and need to fix yourself. If he can't understand that, so be it.

 

Get counselling asap to help you with your issues..

[lkjh]

Im sorry but I am really having trouble seeing the good in you. Just let me see if this is right; you cheated on your fiance the father of your daughter with some ex who is screwed up, you only think about yourself when deciding you are gonna leave, you figure you will just move your daughter 14 hrs away from her dad so you can be with this ex, and now you lie to your fiance claiming that you want all of you to move close to your family. What were you gonna do if he said yes? Start a affair with the ex and then leave your fiance for a relationship that will probably last 15 minutes? You are a mother and you need to think about your child not just yourself. Claiming that these actions will make you a better mother because you are happy is just bull. Im not saying you should stay with your ex but completely destablizing your daughters life and potentially separating her from her father is horrible for her.

 

Im sorry if I sound mean but come on. Work on yourself before you seek some fanasty with some ex. There is a reason why the two of you broke up.

 

Running away from your life will not fix it. Get some therapy and figure yourself out. Learn to stand and fight not run and hode

[Haner]

Im sorry but I am really having trouble seeing the good in you. Just let me see if this is right; you cheated on your fiance the father of your daughter with some ex who is screwed up, you only think about yourself when deciding you are gonna leave, you figure you will just move your daughter 14 hrs away from her dad so you can be with this ex, and now you lie to your fiance claiming that you want all of you to move close to your family. What were you gonna do if he said yes? Start a affair with the ex and then leave your fiance for a relationship that will probably last 15 minutes? You are a mother and you need to think about your child not just yourself. Claiming that these actions will make you a better mother because you are happy is just bull. Im not saying you should stay with your ex but completely destablizing your daughters life and potentially separating her from her father is horrible for her.

 

Im sorry if I sound mean but come on. Work on yourself before you seek some fanasty with some ex. There is a reason why the two of you broke up.

 

Running away from your life will not fix it. Get some therapy and figure yourself out. Learn to stand and fight not run and hide

 

 

I agree with lkjh.

[Haner]

Then get out. DO NOT stay with someone you don't love, even if it hurts him. Right now you are a mess and need to fix yourself. If he can't understand that, so be it.

 

This is total bullcrap advice. She has a daughter with her fiance and now she's trying to run back to her ex (who she had previously "got out" from). If her daughter can't understand that, then "so be it" also?

 

Not only that, she's trying to manipulate her fiance to move to where her ex lives, so that she can then break up with the fiance and have him stuck there. This is completely IMMORAL!

[Dexter Morgan]

I have been with the father of my daughter for 6 years, we have be engaged for over 2 years. We own a house, live a quite life. I recently had to go home (14 hours away) for family medical problems and ended up spending a night with my ex. He is truly the love of my life. It took me cheating to realize I am living a lie. Do I stay and stuck it up and be unhappy for my daughter, or do I leave before we get married?

 

You leave thereby saving your fiancee the pain that will be inevitably caused by being married to someone that isn't in love with him and has already cheated on him.

 

 

I am not happy, don't I deserve to be happy?

 

Better question would be, doesn't the man that you cheated on deserve to be happy? He deserves to not be married to someone that is untrue to him.

 

 

Wouldn't I be a better mother if I was happy? I don't want to hurt my fiance, he is a great guy, but I have comfort love for him, not deep passion.

 

 

Then for god's sake, and your fiancee's sake, BREAK OFF THIS ENGAGEMENT AND LEAVE.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yes end it if you're not happy with your fiance, don't stay with him just for your daughter's sake, not fair for him.

 

And also, do right by the father of your daughter. Since it is YOU that doesn't want him, don't take his daughter 14 hours away from him.

 

If your fiancee wants custody, I think you should give it to him. Either that or make your X move to where you are.

 

You don't take a father's child away from him. That would make her the most selfish #$%$#% in the world.

[Haner]

I have talked with my fiance. Asked to him to move with me, explained that I want to have my daughter closer to my family. 14 hours away, is where my entire extended family lives. All within a 2 hours radius. My parents, all three sets of grandparents (I have lived in a blended (both in siblings and culture) family since I was 6), my brother, two sisters, numerous aunts and uncles. Is it ok to want them to be in my daughters life?

My fiance says he wants "us" to be happy wherever we are, but that he is not willing to move there. He doesn't want to go there and then be unhappy. He doesn't to end up like me. Unhappy and alone. He doesn't want to leave his dad alone either. (His dad is the only family he has, his mother passed away this year, I found her. It was awful). I am a selfish, horrible person who doesn't deserve his love. I know that.

At this point the ex is not even in the picture. I want to go to be closer to my family. I have explained that to him as well. This whole thing is truly about me. I am a selfish horrible person who doesn't deserve anything I have. Then I think about my life again. I survived my childhood for a reason, I am not in prison or a drug addict for a reason.

 

Let me get this straight, you are trying to manipulate your fiance to move to where your ex-boyfriend lives, so that you can be "happy" with your ex and then break up with the fiance, and have the fiance stuck there with limited custody of his daughter. This is completely IMMORAL and CRUEL! You would absolutely deserve any future unhappiness you might have if you do this.

 

If you want to break it off with the fiance and move in with your ex, then tell your fiance straight up and accept the consequences, including the possibility your fiance will fight hard for full custody of your child, and not allow her to be 14 hours away from him. Don't pull this woe-is-me act. You already broke the promise of your engagement by cheating on your fiance.

[lostsoulmate]

Doesn't my daughter deserve to know her family? Her grand-parents (my father and step-mother) her great grand-parents, her uncle, her aunts (my two sisters) their children (four cousins). The only family support we have here is my fiance's father. He told me he knew from the beginning of our relationship that I would do "this" to him. "this" meaning move closer to my family. He said he has been waiting for it. What does that mean? Did he doom us from the beginning?

 

I was brought up in a broken home, only we were never in the same place for more than six months, so my dad never knew where we were. I would like my fiance to move with me. We could try to make it work, I don't want to run to my ex. Yes, I did cheat. Yes, I took comfort for another man (who at one time was my lover and is now a friend). We have established N/C until I get "myself" figured out.

 

My fiance and I are talking about my issues. Because they are "my" issues. At 29, I am having a midlife crisis. The feelings of being lost, scared, afraid that I missed out on something are all apart of it. Wanting out of my relationship, being unsatisfied with my career, home life, etc.

 

I am not a horrible person. I am trying to do what's best for me so I can do what's best for my daughter. If her parents aren't in love, what would I be teaching her? If her parents were happy and she spent part of her time with me and part of her time with her dad, wouldn't it would be better to have two happy homes, than one that was miserable?

 

I figure I have three options:

#1- Fix my situation.

#2- Change my situation.

#3- Do nothing.

 

I will be choosing #1, or #2. I will not continue to feel this way. I have been through too much in my life to not be happy now, when it's only up to me to make myself happy.

 

Thank you everyone for your point of views, even though some are harsh, and mean I accept that everyone has a right to have their own opinion.

[Haner]

Doesn't my daughter deserve to know her family? Her grand-parents (my father and step-mother) her great grand-parents, her uncle, her aunts (my two sisters) their children (four cousins).

Doesn't your daughter deserve to be around her biological father (i.e., her immediate family)? I mean it's not like he has been treating your daughter poorly. If she's at all attached to her father, she will grow up to resent you for this.

 

If her parents were happy and she spent part of her time with me and part of her time with her dad, wouldn't it would be better to have two happy homes, than one that was miserable?

How is that exactly going to work when you and the fiance will be 14 hours apart? But your grand scheme of course is to have him move with you first (on false reasons), and then dump him. Which like I said previously, is completely manipulative and immoral.

 

I was brought up in a broken home, only we were never in the same place for more than six months, so my dad never knew where we were. I would like my fiance to move with me.

So you could then break up the family and have your daughter raised in a broken home just like you. Do you not even see your own contradictions in this quote and the quote above?

 

I feel so sorry for your fiance and your daughter.

[lkjh]

Im sorry but you are just using your daughter as a excuse to be closer to the OM. This is something that really weak people do. Nobody is going to believe that you cheated on your daughters father and now want to split up with the dad and move her away for her best interest. You are not doing this for your daughter, so stop saying this. Plenty of kids live away from there aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins. You are only thinking about yourself. Also, your fiance seems like the only stable parent so moving her would be horrible. You have no clue what you want and you run from your problems. Do not drag this poor little girl along for the ride and do not pond her off on your family members. If you need to move in order to be with the OM, then leave your daughter with her dad. Better yet, ask the OM to up and move his family closer to you.

 

Nobody is buying the concern mother act. You are literaly doing the exact opposite of what you should be doing. If you really need to spread your legs for other guys, then separate and do it locally before yoou mess your daughter up for life.

[lkjh]

To answer your question, no he did not doom you two from the beginning. It sounds like he was saying he knew you were unstable. Only you chose to cheat, he did not push to these really bad decisions. It sounds like you escape responsibility, and try to blame others. You really need to grow up for the sake of your child.

[lostsoulmate]

Harsh words, that I expect. I have every right to be happy. Maybe I don't know what I want. But I want to be able to figure it out. If my fiance is not trying to help me, then I deserve better. And from what you think, so does he.

 

I do want to be closer to my family. I do want my daughter to know them. I do not want a relationship with the OM right now. I am not moving closer to my family to be closer to him. I want to figure out myself. I can be selfish. I have the right to take care of myself and my daughter.

 

I am not using my daughter as an excuse. The reasons I want to be closer to my family are valid. Having a support system of your family is a valid reason to move. I have tried to live here without a support system and I am terribly unhappy. I am not a weak person. I have been through the mill. I have survived my life so far, which is incredible. Most people in my childhood situation end up in jail, or addicted to drugs. I have a triple college degree, great career, nice house....no smiles.

 

Telling me that he is the only stable parent is awful. How, from my posts could you gather that type of information? I wouldn't pawn her off on my family either. They want to know her.

[lostsoulmate]

Doesn't your daughter deserve to be around her biological father (i.e., her immediate family)? I mean it's not like he has been treating your daughter poorly. If she's at all attached to her father, she will grow up to resent you for this.

 

What if she resents growing up in a loveless home?

 

 

How is that exactly going to work when you and the fiance will be 14 hours apart? But your grand scheme of course is to have him move with you first (on false reasons), and then dump him. Which like I said previously, is completely manipulative and immoral.

 

My parents never lived within driving distance of each other. They made it work, when my mother wasn't hiding herself and us from a drug lord. I am not trying to get him to move... I think that if I were happy then we could be happy. Being closer to my family is not a false reason. I am not going to the OM.

 

 

So you could then break up the family and have your daughter raised in a broken home just like you. Do you not even see your own contradictions in this quote and the quote above?

 

I tried to make it work. For six years I have tried. Yes, I see the contradictions, one major difference. I am not a drug addict who uses her children to get drugs, clean the house, etc. I was a mom to my brother since I was 3.

 

I feel so sorry for your fiance and your daughter.

[amerikajin]

He is my ex, because I ran from him. I was scared. He now has two little ones of his own. And yes, he still loves me and wants us to be a little patchwork family. He wants what is mine and his to become ours.

Yes, I am unhappy, I never wanted to settle. Being with my ex has made me realize I am staying with my fiance because I think it's the right thing to do, since we have a child.

I am going to leave my fiance, I have to be happy with my self before I can make anyone else's life happy too? RIGHT?

 

You ran then, you're running now, and you'll run again unless you confront your insecurities head on. Once you figure out why you're perpetually unsatisfied and running out of relationships, you'll be in a better position to know what your next step should be. Personally, I think you should stick with your current guy but let him know honestly that you two need to talk and communicate better and that you're not satisfied with the relationship. If you really don't want to be with this guy and you never really did, then maybe it's time to start thinking about going your separate ways amicably. But I would caution you not to just jump back into your relationship with your ex. You'll end up just as confused, and if you think you hurt him the first time around, you'd probably do twice the damage this time.

[lostsoulmate]

You ran then, you're running now, and you'll run again unless you confront your insecurities head on. Once you figure out why you're perpetually unsatisfied and running out of relationships, you'll be in a better position to know what your next step should be. Personally, I think you should stick with your current guy but let him know honestly that you two need to talk and communicate better and that you're not satisfied with the relationship. If you really don't want to be with this guy and you never really did, then maybe it's time to start thinking about going your separate ways amicably. But I would caution you not to just jump back into your relationship with your ex. You'll end up just as confused, and if you think you hurt him the first time around, you'd probably do twice the damage this time.

 

 

I ran from my ex because when his daughter was born, there was a chance she was not his. I asked him to get a blood test, he didn't want to. I didn't want to love his child like my own to find out she wasn't his. (He found a few years ago she isn't. It almost killed him. He still claims her as his own.) I also moved to get a better job at the time. Then met my fiance.

[lkjh]

You have a bunch of what if's in your post. All of this is a gamble and you are betting your family. You said you deserve better, why? You said you deserve to be selfish, why? Why is everything about you? Do not bet your daughters future. You stated you are worried she may grow up resenting her life because you keep her around her father, this is just bull s***. Yes some kids grow up hating their parents but it usually the kids with bad parents.

[Mary3]

I ran from my ex because when his daughter was born, there was a chance she was not his. I asked him to get a blood test, he didn't want to. I didn't want to love his child like my own to find out she wasn't his. (He found a few years ago she isn't. It almost killed him. He still claims her as his own.) I also moved to get a better job at the time. Then met my fiance.

 

This part is confusing. Men everyday go through the S/O's pregnancy and birth ...only to love the child and then maybe LATER find out the child was not theirs . How MANY men would say " Oh that kid is not mine so I don't love him / her anymore " Very few. Most would admit to forging a bond from birth and likey STILL love the child although perhaps not legally obligated to support the child.

 

So even if your guy was or was not the father I doubt he would forced a blood test because maybe it did not matter at the time. Yes later fathers order blood tests for various reasons but REALLY isnt this your ex 's problem ?

 

I do agree you have a right to be happy. We all do. But its the manner in which you pick to BE happy. Not going to judge on the manner here because what is done is done..

 

Yes kids would rather live with one happy stable mom or dad than having them together throwing lamps and hating eachother...