Flying solo for now

[gopher]

My story is a pretty common one. I'm a typical guy in his mid 40's who was stuck in bad marriage for a long time, and came out of it thinking all I needed was the right woman. I proceded to leap into unhealthy relationships, one after another, with women who had major drama and needed saving. Finally, I recognized that I was at the heart of all my troubles. That I needed to work on myself before another relationship could be successful. So, about a year ago I started counseling and honestly looked at where I needed to be healthier. Since that point, at my counselor's suggestion, I tried online dating again and also single groups on meetup.com. Even though I met some nice women, nothing really clicked for me.

 

Going into 2009 ,I've taken a step back, and not going to actively seek dates through online dating sites or anything specifically geared towards having a relationship outcome. Instead I am focuses on my current life and staying in the present. I've redone my bathroom and put new floors in my condo, working on getting finishing my bachelor's degree. I spend time with friends, my 3 kids and enjoy relaxing time by myself. In the past I always felt an urgency( or anxiousness) to meet someone, but now all I feel is calmness and peace in my life.

 

I'd like to meet someone, but not in a contrived way....but in a way that common interests come in to play and chemistry is obvious. Until then, I am just going to enjoy myself and live the life I have, instead of driving myself crazy by seeking a relationship.

[Meaplus3]

Welcome to LS Gopher. I must say I fell the same way as you do at this point in my life and it's a good feeling. I think focusing on yourself and other things is so important for personal well beign. Enjoy this time. Best wishes. BTW.. What a wonderful positive post. Brought tears to my eyes. Happy tears that is.

 

Mea:)

[gopher]

Welcome to LS Gopher. I must say I fell the same way as you do at this point in my life and it's a good feeling. I think focusing on yourself and other things is so important for personal well beign. Enjoy this time. Best wishes. BTW.. What a wonderful positive post. Brought tears to my eyes. Happy tears that is.

 

Mea:)

 

 

Thanks for the welcome and the reply Mea. It's taken me a long 6 years since my divorce to get to this point...I'm glad you are in a good place too, and wish you continued happiness.

 

LS looks like an interesting mix of people and journey's, I'm sure that I'll learn a lot from the different experiences people write about here.

[Meaplus3]

Thanks for the welcome and the reply Mea. It's taken me a long 6 years since my divorce to get to this point...I'm glad you are in a good place too, and wish you continued happiness.

 

LS looks like an interesting mix of people and journey's, I'm sure that I'll learn a lot from the different experiences people write about here.

 

Thanks Gopher.. glad to have ya here. LS is a great place to share and learn. Best wishes.

 

Mea:)

[DavNY]

hey gopher, sounds like you are in a good place. Congrats!. Good for you.

 

If its not too personal do you mind if I ask what made you finally decide to leave your marriage? Was it truely bad or did you just get restless and just wanted to spread your wings?

 

I'm asking you this for a reason. I have been married a long time (30 years). The last few years I have gotten really restless and have contemplated going off on my own. My restlessness is coming from thoughts that I missed something in my early years. I never 'sowed' my wild oats before I got married nor did I experience any type of independence, I never lived on my own just by myself. This all seems to be coming back to haunt me now. I basically want to go out and chase women and taste some of that independence that I missed. I would be giving up an aweful lot though. I have a wife who is 49 but is still very beautiful and very sexy. She was and continues to be a terrific mother to our grown children. She is a terrific cook, keeps a beautiful house. She worships the ground I walk on and she would do just about anything that I asked in order to please me. Overall we have a very good relationship. So, as you can see I'd be giving up quite alot just to go and experience independence and to sow some wild oats. Sounds like you were married for a long time too so I'm just trying to get some perspective from someone who has moved on and seems to be happy with their decision and their life. I'm just trying to get a feel for if you had a really bad and unhappy marriage and thats why you are so content now. Thanks.

[gopher]

hey gopher, sounds like you are in a good place. Congrats!. Good for you.

 

If its not too personal do you mind if I ask what made you finally decide to leave your marriage? Was it truely bad or did you just get restless and just wanted to spread your wings?

 

I'm asking you this for a reason. I have been married a long time (30 years). The last few years I have gotten really restless and have contemplated going off on my own. My restlessness is coming from thoughts that I missed something in my early years. I never 'sowed' my wild oats before I got married nor did I experience any type of independence, I never lived on my own just by myself. This all seems to be coming back to haunt me now. I basically want to go out and chase women and taste some of that independence that I missed. I would be giving up an aweful lot though. I have a wife who is 49 but is still very beautiful and very sexy. She was and continues to be a terrific mother to our grown children. She is a terrific cook, keeps a beautiful house. She worships the ground I walk on and she would do just about anything that I asked in order to please me. Overall we have a very good relationship. So, as you can see I'd be giving up quite alot just to go and experience independence and to sow some wild oats. Sounds like you were married for a long time too so I'm just trying to get some perspective from someone who has moved on and seems to be happy with their decision and their life. I'm just trying to get a feel for if you had a really bad and unhappy marriage and thats why you are so content now. Thanks.

 

Thanks DavNY,

 

It's not too personal to ask....my ex was a drug addict and verbally abusive our entire marriage. I finally reached the point where I couldn't handle it any longer and needed to leave to preserve my sanity. Even though we were married 18 years, we were never a good match and as in all bad marriages, I had my share of responsibility.

 

Your situation sounds much like mine, in that I too had never been on my own prior to my divorce. I hadn't sowed my wild oats before my marriage and thought that finding someone after my divorce would be easy. What I leanred was that finding 'someone' was extremely easy, but my radar as to who was healthy and who wasn't, was way off. I kept picking needy women...in your case, that may not happen.

 

But, if your only reason for divorcing your wife is that you are restless...and want to date other women...I'd advise you to rethink a divorce, unless you truely want to risk being alone. It sounds like you have a good woman, a good wife and a good relationship, and that's pretty rare.

 

Have you talked to your wife about what your feelings are or sought out a counselor?

[stepka]

hey gopher, sounds like you are in a good place. Congrats!. Good for you.

 

If its not too personal do you mind if I ask what made you finally decide to leave your marriage? Was it truely bad or did you just get restless and just wanted to spread your wings?

 

I'm asking you this for a reason. I have been married a long time (30 years). The last few years I have gotten really restless and have contemplated going off on my own. My restlessness is coming from thoughts that I missed something in my early years. I never 'sowed' my wild oats before I got married nor did I experience any type of independence, I never lived on my own just by myself. This all seems to be coming back to haunt me now. I basically want to go out and chase women and taste some of that independence that I missed. I would be giving up an aweful lot though. I have a wife who is 49 but is still very beautiful and very sexy. She was and continues to be a terrific mother to our grown children. She is a terrific cook, keeps a beautiful house. She worships the ground I walk on and she would do just about anything that I asked in order to please me. Overall we have a very good relationship. So, as you can see I'd be giving up quite alot just to go and experience independence and to sow some wild oats. Sounds like you were married for a long time too so I'm just trying to get some perspective from someone who has moved on and seems to be happy with their decision and their life. I'm just trying to get a feel for if you had a really bad and unhappy marriage and thats why you are so content now. Thanks.

 

DavNY did you read gopher's post? It took him 6 years to get to this point and he was miserable before. You'd be crazy to leave your wonderful wife. Why don't you two think of doing something wild and crazy together like taking a round-the-world trip or something? We did that a couple of years ago, and we're still getting the divorce, but I'm sure glad we did it. Oh lordy gopher, I don't want to wait 6 years--I'm almost 50 now! Well, I do have a lot to do, so I should probably sit back and get that teaching cert before I have a go on the dating market, but I just get this feeling that I'll get too old or something.

[gopher]

Stepka,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce, and I understand your concerns, but no way is 50 too old. I think it's great you are considering getting your Teaching certificate...go for it!! Not only do I feel great about working on my degree, it keeps me busy and is a goal I've always had.

 

Make a list of all the things you like to do, and have wanted to do...then do them!!! The single best thing about not being in a relationship is you never have to ask permission ( and I can leave the toilet seat up, LOL).

 

You seem like the kind of woman guys would enjoy dating...and I have no doubt you will find a fulfilling relationship..so enjoy the inbetween time as much as possible.