SR6 Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 My boyfriend and I are totally inlove and have been for 3 years now, nothing is wrong with our relationship and I definately want to marry him, I know we are meant to be and destined for eachother-I can truly say he is my soulmate. Recently I have gotten so close with one of my male friends that I have just met a couple of months ago and we got so close and attached to eachother so quickly only in a few weeks when we really got to know eachother, but the only thing is the only time I felt this way was when I met my bf 3 years ago, everything happened the same way, we became quickly obsessed and attached and we are still inlove as much as ever... but only this time with my male friend its a different kind of love, but it really made an impact on me, like I care for him so much and i love him so much, but not "like that".....I cant explain it very well. But we have no desire for sex, we just love being together and talking with eachother and I mean REALLY REALLY attached to eachother and we dont know why, I love his soul and he loves mine but I would never want to go out with him or marry him,,,,what is that??? I know I dont love him like that, its so different yet its so strong even though theres no sexual desire or physical attraction....hes cute but definately not my type for a bf......we feel mutual about everything we have been going through, its just that weve never experienced this cos I have loads of male friends and I dont love any of them, the only person I love outside my family is my bf, but now this happened! But the only thing is, I have never had a best friend like this guy....and the closest I could label him is as my best friend but is it normal to love any other male as much as u love ur boyfriend but in a different way??? That is why I have been so scared and confused, I am not afraid of this jeopardising my own relationship with my bf, I am scared and confused becos I have never experienced this kind of thing before.....I feel guilty for paying so much attention for him, but its nothing like how I love my bf, should I feel bad??? Is this called platonic love??? Someone please tell me! Is there such a thing as more than one soulmate for different purposes? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 You say nothing is wrong with your current relationship but I think you're kidding yourself. There's nothing wrong with having platonic friends but when you bond so quickly and so closely with another male like this, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with romance, there's a problem. The friendship you've made is everything a relationship SHOULD BE except the chemistry is absent....for now. And that could very well develop over time. You are obviously getting some serious goodies from this that you aren't from your current relationship, whether it's good conversation, companionship, attention you aren't getting elsewhere, somebody to do things with, or whatever. But you are getting significant stuff that you may not be getting in your primary relationship. Hell, there may even be some chemistry there too that you just don't want to acknowledge. If you are really happy and committed to your primary relationship, you best back off this new friendship...keep it for sure....just not have it so close. I promise you that your boyfriend, while he may approve of you having platonic male friends, he will be highly suspect of one so close as you describe. This new friendship also puts you in the way of temptation because, like I said, the chemistry could be just weeks or months ahead in developing....maybe even days. I think it's great to have friends of all types and when you make close friends, which usually happens over a bit of time, that's great. But in the scenario you describe, both you and your new friend have serious needs within yourselves that aren't being met elsewhere. The type of close friendship you describe that you have made with this new guy is one you should have with your partner. You may be in love with your partner, "totally in love" as you say, but if you don't have a lot more going on plus a real strong friendship that love isn't going to mean crap. Also, just know that once you marry someone....if it's somebody other than the new guy you've met and befriended....your new friendship will have to detereorate somewhat and that may be a real sense of loss to you. The rigorous demands of marriage are way too much to give you time to nurture such a close friendship. In addition, it just isn't practical to be joined at the hips with another male while you are married. You're really going to have to give your current relationship a serious review. I think there's trouble in paradise. But I am so happy you've found this new friend to relate to so well. There is simply no way you can have the kind of close, wild friendship you have described without forming mutual loving feelings for each other in due time. Just ask yourself, if your new friend were to announce to you tomorrow that he had found a girlfriend and wouldn't be spending much time with you anymore, how would you feel...and don't give me the "I would be happy for him" line. You would feel a sense of loss and probably be jealous as well. You've got a lot to think about here...a lot. You need to review your current relationship to see what's missing...and you need to sort out your TRUE feelings about the male friend you've just gone so bonkers over that you had to come run to the Internet to ask about. Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 i think its awful that you would allow yourself to get this close to another guy. girl, what are you doing? do you care abotu your man's feelings? let this friend go if you really want your bf! Link to post Share on other sites
Fera Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 I don`t know how I ran into your posting, but I just want to tell you that I am in the exact same situation right now, the only difference is that between my new guy and me there is chemistry and my bf is far away, but I fully understand you. What I decided to do: enjoy this as long as it may last. Because it is wonderful to be able to share (totally share), and there is so much to learn from someone else. I know there will be a time when I will have to make a decision, but I am sure that time will tell me what the right decision is, and that will be the right decision for everyone involved. So, don`t worry. Link to post Share on other sites
chrissy Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 Hi, I am quite lost so I did a search in Internet and came upon this forum. I really hope some kind souls out there can offer me their advice. I am with my bf for 4 years, we know each other since high school. But at that time before I met my bf, i really like 1 of my friends. Thinking that it was just 1 sided, after much thought I decided to go into a relationship with my current bf. But throughout these years, I still can't forget this friend (we do keep in touch). I still like him and care about him. Only recently then I realised that this friend actually liked me too but I was kept in the dark because he didnt want to ruin my current relationship with my bf by telling me the truth. After years for probing from me, he decided to tell me the truth that he liked me too at that time. I really want to be with this friend, but seems like if I were to break up with my current bf seems very bad (hurtful to him). But the person I am always missing is not my bf instead its my friend. Seems like I am drfiting away from my bf, the attraction to my friend is much stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted October 11, 2003 Moderators Share Posted October 11, 2003 Read it, and really reflect. Don't string him along. You clearly care deeply (love?) this guy. You are so much "with" him in spirit, that your current relationship is not meeting your needs as a human being. Reflect Reflect Reflect. What kind of relationship do you REALLY want and NEED to plan a married life? I suspect, the friend and yourself have a far deeper love than what you might want to admit. Be true to your heart. Unhappiness shall surely result if you neglect these feelings. And it's not fair to this poor fella, who is probably coming apart at the seams with unreciprocated love for you. Take it from one who is living that kind of pain. It is hell on earth Curt Link to post Share on other sites
chrissy Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 Hi Curt, Thank you for much for replying me. I really appreciate your advice. Yes! I stongly agree with you. Thus, at this moment of time I am not meeting my current bf and the friend. I need this time to really reflect what I want. Like what I posted earlier on, I am lost. Therefore, I need a break from them and really ask myself the question. Who do I want to be with. I hope during this period of time, I can get an answer and free myself from this triangle love. The current situation is: My current bf loves me very much (though hurt me badly twice), and I like my friend very much. Should I stay with someone who loves me or follow my heart and like the friend? Link to post Share on other sites
lipglossboost Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 My best friend in the world is male and I know the kind of love you are talking about. It's hard to believe it can exist outside of your family or your relationship. I've known my best friend for over 6 years and there is definitely no attraction, but I love him as if he were part of my family. Stop stressing out about it and enjoy the good friendship you have been blessed with. True friends are a rare find, and I would be lost without my best friend. ~Lexi Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted October 12, 2003 Moderators Share Posted October 12, 2003 Knowing the depth of what you and your friend probably BOTH feel, I would venture to say that the friend doesn't just want to talk to you, share with you, etc., on a friends only basis. He probably wants (and needs?) a lot more. Ask yourself these questions, and be brutally honest with yourself: Are the feelings that I am having for this guy completely platonic ? Does he truly only want me as a friend, and feel no romantic, intimate love for me as a woman ? Has the depth of our sharing gone past "normal friendly conversation"? AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, as stated in other words by our moderator, Tony: "Does the thought of the friend meeting someone new and building a love life with her, in any way make you uneasy/worried/sad?" Note: Remember in answering the above question, that when he builds a loving relationship with a new woman in his life, he (and likely his new gal also) will likely NOT feel as "free" about the possibility of you and "her man" being all close and personal in the same way as you are now. As such, the "depth" and feeling of the new "friendship talk" will likely diminish (perhaps significantly or altogether). Answer the questions honestly. Afterall, who knows? Your future happiness might depend on the accuracy of your responses. Just food for thought. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
priya Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 hi, i know exactly what you are going thru ,the only thing is that the best friend i loved so much i became attracted to.But ,the attraction has gone and even he feels that our friendship is special and we are still best of friends and have moved on with other people.But the catch is tht i have another male close friend who i also love to bits but m not attracted to at all.The thing is knowing both sides of the coin i can only tell you so much,it is very rare to find such friendship and only if you are totally sure about your boyfriend shud u make the choice,after all one never knows if it will materilize and if having a good friend by your side makes u happy then go for it.Dont worry abt ur bf ,u love him make him c tht and everything will be fine. priya Link to post Share on other sites
pretty_petal Posted September 19, 2005 Share Posted September 19, 2005 I've posted before about me being in this kind of situation. boyfriend 2.5 years, love him lots and lots but have been falling for guy friend for coming up to 2 years now. Its madness isn't it SR6?! Recently been on holiday with group of friends and my friend and i became even closer than before: like you (SR6) we openly know how we feel about each other but that i'm happy with my bf. It is true in saying (in my case) that my friend provides things for me emotionally and socially that my bf doesn't. But i love my bf. I get majorly screwed up inside about it: which one should i be with? should i leave it and get on with my life? etc etc. If your friend doesn't have chemistry with you and your bf does then your bf is right for you - emotionally he may not be 100%, but chemically he is. STAY WITH YOUR BF IF YOU HAVE CHEMISTRY WITH HIM. If you start developing chemistry with said friend then you have to weigh up costs and benefits for both. Glad other people go thru similar things. i'm not the only rubbish gf out there. ppx Link to post Share on other sites
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