br0ken_w0lf Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 OK, so the answer to my question is likely yes but maybe I just need to hear it from other people... Is there anyone out there who has been left by their spouse that, even after a year or two, just feels like you will never get over it??? It's been a year and a half now and while I'd made some progress in the past, somehow I'm back to that "my life sucks, I just want my wife back" mentality... There are things in the house I just can't throw out, lately I'm constantly bombarded by memories of my wife, and I can't seem to shake the feeling that she was the one I was meant to be with. Lately, I've even been considering moving in the next year or so as I don't think I'll ever have a normal life if I stay in this city; there are memories everywhere and I almost feel like I need to pick up and move somewhere where I don't know anybody. Doing that st sounds like such a cliche, movie-like thing, but I'm starting to see why. Hell, I know a guy who went through the same thing at almost the same time, and he's dating and basically fine now. Did I love my wife more than he loved his? Of course not. Maybe I just have a weak character, I don't know. I see people just living their lives with purpose and direction and I feel like I'm constantly floundering, unsure of what to do next, even the simplest of decisions. Anyone in the same or similar boat?? I've heard the average time to get over something like this is 2 years; maybe it will be but I think there's also a sick part of me that doesn't want to get over it? Am I crazy?? Link to post Share on other sites
Gowithflow Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 OK, so the answer to my question is likely yes but maybe I just need to hear it from other people... Is there anyone out there who has been left by their spouse that, even after a year or two, just feels like you will never get over it??? It's been a year and a half now and while I'd made some progress in the past, somehow I'm back to that "my life sucks, I just want my wife back" mentality... There are things in the house I just can't throw out, lately I'm constantly bombarded by memories of my wife, and I can't seem to shake the feeling that she was the one I was meant to be with. Lately, I've even been considering moving in the next year or so as I don't think I'll ever have a normal life if I stay in this city; there are memories everywhere and I almost feel like I need to pick up and move somewhere where I don't know anybody. Doing that st sounds like such a cliche, movie-like thing, but I'm starting to see why. Hell, I know a guy who went through the same thing at almost the same time, and he's dating and basically fine now. Did I love my wife more than he loved his? Of course not. Maybe I just have a weak character, I don't know. I see people just living their lives with purpose and direction and I feel like I'm constantly floundering, unsure of what to do next, even the simplest of decisions. Anyone in the same or similar boat?? I've heard the average time to get over something like this is 2 years; maybe it will be but I think there's also a sick part of me that doesn't want to get over it? Am I crazy?? One question- Are you still in contact with your ex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 I haven't seen or spoken to her for over a year. We had been in minimal contact via e-mail (i.e. for divorce/bank-related stuff) for that period. So it was almost NC. I did break the business-only rule just before Christmas just to say hey, Merry Christmas, etc. I think it was my way of putting out a "are you sure?" feeler to be honest. I guess, even now, there is still some glimmer of hope that I can't let go of - even though I know it would be wrong. I simply can't imagine ever feeling the same (or similar because I know it wouldn't be exactly the same) about anyone else; or caring that much about anyone else. Hmmm, that was a long response but I think I answered the question Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Am I crazy?? BW--More than likely you are not crazy but I haven't seen your posts yet. On an emotional scale, death of a child is #1. Death of a spouse is #2. Death of a parent is #3. Divorce is #4 (some argue it's as painful or worse as #3). There is not much more that we can experience that is more painful. Here is something that may help: Clarify who you are without your spouse. This is the time for you to ask the question "What kind of person do I want to be now that I'm going to be divorced?" This is a wonderful opportunity for you to reinvent yourself. You may want to be thinner, or funnier, or more spontaneous, or firmer. Describe who you see yourself becoming now that you are going to be single, and think through your plan for how you will change. Hang in there. I know the pain can run deep. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Bw, I felt like this for quite some time.... lost... missing her... wishing everyday to some how get her back. We did get back together... she made all kinds of promises... but in the end... dumbed me again.... for the same guy. The second time around... was different.... at first... similiar feelings....but it did not take long for the anger to kick in.... she messed up my life.... she messed with our kids heads... and that of to entire families... The anger did not last all that long..... as in the end... I just did not care anymore..... she divorced me.... and now... I am glad she did. I became happy being alone . I liked it.... then I go screw that up... and meet a lady.... who is amazing. I never thought for the longist time that I could feel anything for another woman.... other than my wife. Once I got it into my head... she is not my wife anymore... I was free to feel for another..... Now... life is just much better than good. In time.... it can happen to you too .... This all started for me Apr 2006. ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
CastingPearls Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I do know what you mean about feeling adrift, and I have been at this point for a long time. I'm not ready to investigate other relationships, and have this sense of incompletion. I've been divorced for 3 years, but due to the economy, we had to live together like room mates until 5 months ago. We developed a whole other relationship outside of the marriage (which had been completely trashed and was unsaveable) but I think we still had residual feelings after so many years. The last 5 months have been very hard. I try and try to completely close the book on that time of my life, but seem to be paralyzed. It's like you put that person in a class by themselves and can't imagine that kind of connection with anyone else. The thing is, if you don't give someone else a chance, how will you know? The pattern of your relationship with your ex is set and hard to break out of, but you'll have to change it up to start moving again. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Occasionally I do still feel that way. In the last 3 years I lost my mom, my wife left, we divorced and then my father passed away. At times there's a feeling of unreality because my life has changed so much. On the other hand I have no doubts about my ex, I don't want her back even though I haven't really been involved with anyone else since. You do need to reforge your identity, find out what you really want out of life from here on out. Letting go of the past, forcing yourself to avoid thinking about the past so much. When I catch myself going there now I kinda smack myself mentally (and maybe physically as a reminder lol) and tell myself NO MORE that's done, over and gone. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it so I'm wasting energy trying to revive a dead body. You can only live in the present. If you're living in the past you're stuck in your own head. Getting into the present and out of your head, that is the challenge. You should consider seeking counseling, someone who can help you train your mind to change direction and get out of the familiar thought patters you are in. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Don't feel to bad. It's been 8 years for me. While I don't want my ex back, (and never did) I still haven't found a satisfying direction for my life. I move ahead, am successful, but happiness and a sense of purpose has so far been beyond my grasp. I was married to one woman for 25 years. That's a big habit to break and as it turns out, a monumential waste of time. At this point it's become obvious that there may never be "true happiness" again in my life. That's reality. It's not even bad. It's just blah. Take solice in the reality that you are probably much younger, and have more time to adjust to new situations. Link to post Share on other sites
Searching49 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I still haven't found a satisfying direction for my life. I move ahead, am successful, but happiness and a sense of purpose has so far been beyond my grasp. I was married to one woman for 25 years. That's a big habit to break and as it turns out, a monumential waste of time. At this point it's become obvious that there may never be "true happiness" again in my life. That's reality. It's not even bad. It's just blah. Ouch Lakeside. I'm so sorry for you. I don't know what else to say... Link to post Share on other sites
MrFymie Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I was married for 30 years when my wife and I split up. That was about 6 months ago, and whilst I still think about her every day, I know we are never going to be together again. To that end, I have changed the way I live dramatically. I looked at myself in a mirror and saw some miserable fat guy staring back at me. I put myself on a diet, but more importantly, I joined a swimming club and swim every morning before work, I jog through my lunchbreak as I work near a park and most evenings are taken up with meditation classes, yoga, learning to play the guitar better and one evening a week I allow myself the time to go the local bar and have a couple of beers and chat to other people. I have found that what you need to do Broken Wolf is fill the time doing something positive and something you enjoy. Do not sit around moping and hoping. That will not change anything except make you more miserable. Incidently, since we split up I have lost about 50 pounds (in your language..lol) and my man boobs, and am now fitter, trimmer and taughter then I have been for more years then i care to mention. I feel great and I like the compliments I get too. Dig your way out of the hole mate, there is a big welcoming world out there, and it is just waiting for your input. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 BW--More than likely you are not crazy but I haven't seen your posts yet. On an emotional scale, death of a child is #1. Death of a spouse is #2. Death of a parent is #3. Divorce is #4 (some argue it's as painful or worse as #3). There is not much more that we can experience that is more painful. Here is something that may help: Clarify who you are without your spouse. I think it's sometimes worse because the person you wish to be with is still alive... but still dead to you. I agree 100% that you need to figure out who you are as a person completely independant of being part of a couple. I was together with my ex H for almost 8 years- married for almost 2 years. It took me a good 2-3 years to get over it. The residual crap still hangs about. Link to post Share on other sites
BusterBrown Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 adrift? Buddy, tonight I feel like I am sinking and drowning. My hearts in my throat. Each breath I draw is a struggle. I'm a nervous freaking wreck. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 OK, so the answer to my question is likely yes but maybe I just need to hear it from other people... Is there anyone out there who has been left by their spouse that, even after a year or two, just feels like you will never get over it??? It's been a year and a half now and while I'd made some progress in the past, somehow I'm back to that "my life sucks, I just want my wife back" mentality... There are things in the house I just can't throw out, lately I'm constantly bombarded by memories of my wife, and I can't seem to shake the feeling that she was the one I was meant to be with. Lately, I've even been considering moving in the next year or so as I don't think I'll ever have a normal life if I stay in this city; there are memories everywhere and I almost feel like I need to pick up and move somewhere where I don't know anybody. Doing that st sounds like such a cliche, movie-like thing, but I'm starting to see why. Hell, I know a guy who went through the same thing at almost the same time, and he's dating and basically fine now. Did I love my wife more than he loved his? Of course not. Maybe I just have a weak character, I don't know. I see people just living their lives with purpose and direction and I feel like I'm constantly floundering, unsure of what to do next, even the simplest of decisions. Anyone in the same or similar boat?? I've heard the average time to get over something like this is 2 years; maybe it will be but I think there's also a sick part of me that doesn't want to get over it? Am I crazy?? Once you've danced with the Devil, you don't change Him, he changes YOU! There are certain Life-alternating events that change people forever. 9-11, Vietnam, Iraq, Beruit, the sinking of the Titantic,..............divorce. You never get over it, you just learn how to LIVE with it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 Hey folks, thanks for all the replies. It's clear (and I should have known) that there are many in worse situations than I, for longer periods of time to boot. I recall seeing in another thread how someone mentioned a divorce being like an "identity crisis" and that fits me perfectly. I knew exactly who I was when I was with my wife. Now? Not at all. I also see this divorce affecting me in a very negative way; I've become more bitter, anti-social, and negative in general. I hope it doesn't continue. I think things are compounded by the fact that I am not overly outgoing and have struggled with self-esteem issues over the years. And someone with self-esteem issues needs a broken marriage like I need a hole in the head. People tell me that anyone would be lucky to have me but there is always that nagging thought "well, if I was *that* great, my wife never would have left"... Anyway, there is some very sound advice here and I really appreciate it. I agree, I think I do need to sit back and think about how I want to proceed with my life; 'cause I'm not happy with it now and I don't think I ever truly have been, even while with my wife. And maybe when the divorce papers officially go through, there will be some closure for me. Though if anyone knows where I can go to have memories removed from my brain, please let me know Link to post Share on other sites
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