guestess Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 Bad men are exciting and fun, but unreliable and no good in the long run. Quality men are boring, predictable, but reliable and all that. My question is - are there men out there who're both quality and exciting? Reliable, honest, loyal, supportive, etc., yet with an edge to them, unpredictable, with their own life? I'm planning to get away from bad men (it's about time. lol.), but I'm afraid of being bored with a quality man. I keep on meeting guys who I know I can get along with, and who will be loyal, caring, etc., but they're utterly unexciting. Please tell me there's hope for an exciting quality man! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 "Please tell me there's hope for an exciting quality man!" Your wish is my command. There's hope for an exciting quality man! Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 lol, Tony, do you really mean that though? (the fact that there is hope) -yes Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 yes, i am dating one right now. i think your perception of good and bad men is screwed up and its a personal thing with you. its about how you treat yourself. you must love the negative attention from bad guys and the good attention you get from the good guys, you receieve as something boring. is there somethign abotu stability that scares you? do you not want to get treated right? i used to only like the bad boys but i realized that they were not treating me right. that made me want to chase them. its sad that we humans get high off of the chase and dont want something wonderful that is right in front of us. i think your mind set needs to change and when you do meet a good guy, you need to tell yourself that this is right for you and eventually you will see not having the chase and being treated wrongly, is soooo much better than with it. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 Don't know exactly what you are referring to when you describe a man as being "bad."...???? Although I've heard the old adage that many young women are attracted to "bad boys,” I never had, nor will I ever understand why. For me, I much prefer the "good guy" (If that’s how we should classify them.) I don't find reliability or predictability “boring” at all. I like knowing I'm with someone who I can count on. It helps build "trust" and an aura of security which is so important for establishing strong intimate bonds and promoting healthy "long-term" relationships. I guess I've just outgrown all the head games and that "living on the edge" mentality that many females under the age of thirty seem to enjoy. My question is - are there men out there who're both quality and exciting? Reliable, honest, loyal, supportive, etc., yet with an edge to them, unpredictable, with their own life? Well, I guess that depends on individual interpretation. Personally, I must say “yes,” that I have found someone who meets “my” definition of the kind of guy you describe. Although to look at him, one might jump to the conclusion that he is some kind of “rebel,” he is actually one of the most sensitive, caring, honest and “reliable” people I have ever met. If he weren’t my lover, he would still be among those few who I would consider worthy of being called a “friend.” Take away the long hair, the piercings, the Harley, his drums, and that LOUD head-banging music that shakes the house (Pleeeeease) … and you still have a guy with all the qualities that make women fall head-over-heals in love! Although I wouldn’t describe him as “predictable,” he is absolutely trustworthy and RELIABLE. A trait which has gained him many friends! He’s honest, sexy, funny as hell, compassionate, affectionate, thoughtful and intelligent. He’s someone I look up to, admire and respect. I don’t have to worry about where’s he’s at, what he’s doing, or who he’s spending time with. Nor does he have to worry about me. He has his own life, but always makes me feel as if I am the most important part of it. Although I consider myself lucky to have found such a man, I don’t think for a second that he is the last of his kind. There are MANY guys out there just like him, and if that’s the kind of man you want, then GO FOR IT and don’t settle for anything less! Link to post Share on other sites
guestess Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 You are right that stability scares me - because it sounds boring and because quality men seem more vulnerable, so it means accepting responsibility. Bad men are fun & gone, but it's never boring and there's no responsibility. I guess what I'm looking for is somebody who treats me right, but isn't too dependent on me, and keeps me somewhat on the edge. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 When you are ready to settle down, stability will be music to your ears. Meanwhile, don't get entangled with somebody because they are unpredictable due to flakiness and chaotic due to their dysfunctional family background. Those are sure routes to hell on earth. Have your fun and when you've gotten to the point you really want a good life, a kind, decent guy will appear...and perhaps he will have some excitement to offer you as well. Mr. Right is out there for you...only problem, a lot of people spell it Mr. w-r-o-n-g. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 yet with an edge to them, unpredictable, with their own life Define 'an edge'. Define 'exciting'. And what, exactly, is so desirable about them? Is it an image you have in your head that you got from some movies or books? What are you looking for in these 'exciting' men? Dr. Phil (yes, he can be a jerk but he does have a few useful things to say) says we don't want the thing we think we want; we want the feeling we think it will give us. Link to post Share on other sites
guestess Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 By exciting, with an edge, etc. I mean somebody unpredictable. I don't want to know everything he'll say and do ahead of time, I want to feel somewhat nervous before seeing him, somebody who won't let me fall into a routine, who'll keep surprising me. Somebody who's 95% likely to stay loyal - but there's room for suspicion. Somebody who has friends and sometimes gives me more space than I'd like. I suppose any intelligent man who's constantly evolving can do that edge. I agree that people wants things and people because of the way they make them feel. I want somebody unpredictable next to me because I want to be pushed to evolve and keep up myself. Somebody who is supportive when it's truly necessary, and not overly accomodating in small things. Too many people get married, have some kids, gain some weight, stop having sex, and fall into a routine of take kids to school-work-TV-sleep-repeat. That's the boring predictable routine I'm terrified of (of course, I'm exagerrating it). And too many people escape such a routine by cheating. I guess I'm hoping to have a family where things are generally stable and good, but with a touch of craziness if that makes any sense. Thank you everybody for pushing me to say exactly what I mean! It's making the picture of what I want more clear for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ryan Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 Sounds like a packaged way to say....you don't trust intimacy. Thus you must ask yourself....where have you seen intimacy fail? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 By exciting, with an edge, etc. I mean somebody unpredictable. I don't want to know everything he'll say and do ahead of time, I want to feel somewhat nervous before seeing him, somebody who won't let me fall into a routine, who'll keep surprising me. Somebody who's 95% likely to stay loyal - but there's room for suspicion. Somebody who has friends and sometimes gives me more space than I'd like. I suppose any intelligent man who's constantly evolving can do that edge. So your saying you're looking for "spontaneity"... someone who won't let you take them for granted? I don't think you will necessarily find those things "IN" another person, but rather these are things you'll have to work on within "yourself." If you want to avoid ruts, then you must continue to evolve as a person, irregardless of the people and circumstances around you. You won't be likely to take someone for "granted" once you learn how to take inventory of what you have and in doing so, become more appreciative of all the "positive" aspects in your life. It’s not a good idea to rely on excessive drama to keep our lives feeling exciting. We shouldn’t need to be “pushed to the edge”… or risk losing what we already have, before we learn to appreciate what is right there in front of us. Our personal happiness is no one's responsibility except our own. If you want to keep your relationship alive, then you must be the one to initiate the effort IN POSITIVE WAYS. If you want passion, then you must be passionate. If you want excitement and spontaneity, then sometimes you must be the one to encourage it. Then hopefully, by setting an example, you will find a partner willing to reciprocate and meet you half way. We often spend so much time searching for what we “want” from a person and/or relationship, that we overlook how important it is to focus on what we are willing to “give.” Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 Wow, EnigmaXOXO, you said it great!!! Right on the mark. Way too many people depend on others to make their lives fun and exciting when all the while it's really got to come from outselves. Link to post Share on other sites
guestess Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 Ryan: I didn't think of it that way before. Perhaps I am trying to avoid intimacy. It makes sense, since it scares me to become too dependent on someone. My parents are too dependent on each other, in my view. I've become dependent on my boyfriends too quickly in the past, and was devastated after break-ups, largely because I thought the intimacy scared them. Enigma: Very good points, thank you. I am quite a giver, I just didn't bring up that side in this thread. I am quite open, trusting, generous with my time, attention and support. I try to be sensitive to the guy's mood so that I leave him alone when he wants space. All in all, just taking it one day at a time, one date at a time, one man at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 enigma's take on this is dead-on. the only thing i would want to add is that the one other function of the bad man in a girl's life, or in my life, is that they can sometimes embody feelings of rebelliousness that are systematically and successfully repressed in girls. this is valid - there is probably a large part of you that wishes to be bad, so projects that desire onto another. wishing to be bad is healthy - it means you are aware how much women are repressed in general, but acting on it is *not* a good idea. so cultivate bad men *only* as friends, do not get invested, and do healthy things that make *you* feel bold, and alive, and rebellious: sky-diving, hanggliding, water-skiing, etc. thrills should be sought by certain personality types, just find them without becoming some loser's victim-chick. xox j Link to post Share on other sites
guestess Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 Great point, jenny! It's so true that I can find thrills in things other than men, which is much safer emotionally - like skydiving and so forth - that's great advice. I can find ways to be spontaneous, crazy, bad, creative - whatever you call it - on my own ... and then I don't need men to keep me entertained. Ahhhh Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 Too many people get married, have some kids, gain some weight, stop having sex, and fall into a routine of take kids to school-work-TV-sleep-repeat. That's the boring predictable routine I'm terrified of (of course, I'm exagerrating it). And too many people escape such a routine by cheating. I guess I'm hoping to have a family where things are generally stable and good, but with a touch of craziness if that makes any sense. I'll just add that you are trying to solve the wrong problem. Your assessment is that marriages break down due to boredom and that people cheat becaue they're bored. You'd do well to re-examine these assumptions. Most people start cheating to get needs met that they are not having met in the marriage - and that's rarely the need for 'excitement'. More often, it's the opposite; need for closeness, intimacy, affection, etc. You are trying to pre-empt the wrong problem. I agree that you need to be an interesting person and not depend on the other person to give you excitement, but even that won't seal a marriage from infidelity. Being careful to be loving, considerate, and communicative are much more important talents to cultivate, no matter how 'dull, predictable, and routine' they may be. Link to post Share on other sites
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