Will his lukewarm sexual attraction to me lead him to cheat?

[gocubsgo]

i have a strange situation and don't know quite how to take it so i want the male perspective.

i have been dating my bf for about a year and a half (only about 9 seriously)

his previous relationship was a bad one and they had little more than strong sexual chem.

(i know this because we were friends b4 dating and talked about our past relationships)

here goes:

he says that, although he's very attracted to me, he doesn't get the "butterfly" feelings every time we

are together. (meaning he doesn't want to pounce on me all the time!)

he says he "thinks" that's a good thing because it means that there is so much more to our

relationship than just sex. but it also worries him a little too (like we might be better off as good friends)

of course, i take it as, he's not that attracted to me and he can't get his past out of his head.

i know that sexual chemistry will only take a relationship so far and when it fades you better have

something to fall back on or it's over.

but does he? do guys think that way?

let me say that i am considered to be a "hot" girl and his guy friends are all very jealous that

he has someone like me (they tell us both that). so it's not a self-esteem issue on my part. i'm very

confident that i'm a great catch. (like to watch sports, independent, fun-loving, sexual, not usually a

jealous person, not conceded, very honest and loyal, etc) though i'm by no means perfect. (who is?)

but now he talks about marriage and lifelong commitment and all that stuff and it scares the heck out of me.

(we were living together this summer and i moved out partly because of all that! i had reason to believe he

had been ring shopping and i got major cold feet. i've been engaged b4 and am afraid of making another

bad choice)

do i want to live my life with a guy who has lukewarm sexual attraction to me?

is he in love with the "idea" of me and not me?

is he not over his past and is comparing me to his old gf?

will he cheat on me at the drop of a hat if someone comes along that he's very sexually attracted to? (his ex perhaps)

have any guys out there been on the other side of this situation or can anyone give the male view????

i'd really appreciate it!!!

[Ryan]

he says that, although he's very attracted to me, he doesn't get the "butterfly" feelings every time we

are together. (meaning he doesn't want to pounce on me all the time!)

 

I can't think of anyone I'd want to pounce on every time I am near them. Tingly infatuation tends to fade, which is the nature of that beast.

 

do i want to live my life with a guy who has lukewarm sexual attraction to me?

 

Better question is...are you even ready for marriage? I would say no. The relationship certainly isn't.

 

will he cheat on me at the drop of a hat if someone comes along that he's very sexually attracted to?

 

If he's a cheater, then he will. If he's not...then he won't.

 

 

 

I don't think any of us can answer a lot of these questions. You're going to have to do the obvious and the dreaded - ask HIM.

[gocubsgo]

ask him?

do you really think ANY guy would actually admit that he MAY cheat?

NEVER!

of course he'll say "no, sweetie, i would never cheat on you"

but that doesn't make it so.

he admits to me that he used to think sexual attraction was the most important part

of his relationships but now he's starting to see things differently because of me.

does this make him shallow, or just a normal guy?

to be honest his comments made me feel a little less desirable.

i don't think that was his intention but that's how i felt. and i did express this to him.

i guess what i'm asking is:

do we need both a strong physical and mental attraction?

or is the mental attraction more important to men in the long run?

you guys are so hard to figure out!!!

[moimeme]

meaning he doesn't want to pounce on me all the time

 

Does he still 'pounce on you' often? Sometimes? Ever?

 

he admits to me that he used to think sexual attraction was the most important part

of his relationships but now he's starting to see things differently because of me.

does this make him shallow, or just a normal guy?

 

It sounds like he's maturing, which is a very good thing. Anybody who married and stayed married will tell you that sexual attraction is never the most imortant part of a relationship and any relationship founded on that basis is highly likely to fail. You should thank your lucky stars - he's turning into a man.

[Ryan]

do we need both a strong physical and mental attraction?

 

Yes.

 

or is the mental attraction more important to men in the long run?

 

Yes.

 

you guys are so hard to figure out!!!

 

That's the whole problem....you are trying to figure out the answers rather than ask the questions.

 

Without exception, every person I've ever heard say "xxx are difficult to figure out" has difficulty communicating, whether it be the plaintiff or the defendant who is resisting the communication. Understanding has two root verbs: talk and listen.

[gocubsgo]

yes, he does "pounce" on me when he gets the chance.

we are long distance so it's unfortunately sporadic.

but it bothers me that he used to be that way and think every relationship was based

on a good sex life.

does that kind of leopard ever change it's spots?

it makes me think that he's so shallow and superficial.

but on the other hand, maybe he is growing up.

i think he may have thought sex was how you show affection to someone.

sad, but i understand.

he said in his past relationships he would get mad or think there was something wrong with him

if they didn't end a date with sex.

do all guys have this insecurity?

[moimeme]

does that kind of leopard ever change it's spots

 

ooh, I hate that metaphor. People aren't leopards and personalities aren't spots. Of course people can change. The trick is they have to want to.

 

i think he may have thought sex was how you show affection to someone.

 

That misconception is common to many people of both genders.