living under a shadow

[Carl]

I started dating a girl named Stacy who I've known for a while. Her boyfriend Jay, who I've never liked, recently died of a drug overdose. When this occurred, she was very upset by the whole thing and events that followed. He was buried the day after he died without any kind of funeral or service. The following day, Stacy went to visit the grave sight, which was in a cemetery just down the street from my place. Afterwards, she came to my apartment all hysterical saying he was buried alive. She said she could hear him calling for help from his grave and that I had to do something. I rushed over to the grave sight with her but we didn't hear anything. She insisted she heard him earlier, so we went to the office at the cemetery. The manager of the cemetery said it was unlikely Jay or anyone was buried alive. I talked with him privately asking him if what he said was true, how could he explain what she heard. He said he doubted she heard anything and that it was more likely her grief playing with her mind. I convinced Stacy that it was not possible that he was alive and that she should keep away from the cemetery for a while. I took her to my place where she cried for the entire night. Since then we've been spending numerous evenings together, however, it's been hard living in Jay's shadows, so to speak. Though Stacy never talks about that incident at the cemetary, she is often talking about Jay. She is always saying what a great guy Jay was, and is often comparing me to him. As you might guess, I never quite match up to him (at least what she chooses to remember of him.) My sister said I'm trying to go to fast with her and that I have to wait until she deals with the loss of her boyfriend before I get to serious with her. If this is true, how long should I wait.

[Nicky]

I started dating a girl named Stacy who I've known for a while. Her boyfriend Jay, who I've never liked, recently died of a drug overdose. When this occurred, she was very upset by the whole thing and events that followed. He was buried the day after he died without any kind of funeral or service. The following day, Stacy went to visit the grave sight, which was in a cemetery just down the street from my place. Afterwards, she came to my apartment all hysterical saying he was buried alive. She said she could hear him calling for help from his grave and that I had to do something. I rushed over to the grave sight with her but we didn’t hear anything. She insisted she heard him earlier, so we went to the office at the cemetery. The manager of the cemetery said it was unlikely Jay or anyone was buried alive. I talked with him privately asking him if what he said was true, how could he explain what she heard. He said he doubted she heard anything and that it was more likely her grief playing with her mind. I convinced Stacy that it was not possible that he was alive and that she should keep away from the cemetery for a while. I took her to my place where she cried for the entire night. Since then we've been spending numerous evenings together, however, it's been hard living in Jay's shadows, so to speak. Though Stacy never talks about that incident at the cemetary, she is often talking about Jay. She is always saying what a great guy Jay was, and is often comparing me to him. As you might guess, I never quite match up to him (at least what she chooses to remember of him.) My sister said I'm trying to go to fast with her and that I have to wait until she deals with the loss of her boyfriend before I get to serious with her. If this is true, how long should I wait.

Bereavement can affect people differently. It can take a huge amount of time to overcome the loss of a loved one.

 

If she wants to talk about it, that is good, and I suspect the more she airs her emotions the easier it will be for her pain to subside.

 

Personally, I think you should forget having a "normal" boy/girl relationship for a good few months. It will take time. However, if you are supportive for her when she is feeling vulnerable and upset I am sure you will earn her trust and respect, and ultimately it may bring you closer.

 

Even if it takes months for her to get over this, do not forget it is not simply b'cos she had feelings for him. Loss reminds us of how fragile life is, how much others mean to us- not just the one we lost, and hence ultimately how much we care about people. If you care for her, try to be patient and stick with it.

[Sula]

The grieving process is different for everyone. After my older sister passed away, my mother was terribly depressed and still hasn't gotten over the loss, 25 years later. Some people can move on as quickly as a few months after the passing. It depends on how close they were to the person who passed away, and how long they were ina relationship.

 

I would have to say that dating this woman now is a complete mistake! She's still grieiving, and any relationship increases the stress level in a person's life, so you should probably reconsider this. Otherwise, yo could be looking at quite a few months of an unfulfilling relatinoship.

 

People dealing with personal trauma or emotional strain, like depression, loss of a loved one, or mood disorders like generlized anxiety disorder, are difficult to be involved with. They expend so much energy dealing with their trauma that they often don't have enough to spend energy on their new partner, which leaves the new partner feeling alone and unfulfilled in the relationship.

 

Try being friends with her firstand foremost. After you perceive that she talks less and less about her boyfriend and spends more time thinking about the future, then consider being in a relationship.