Have I done all I can? Is the end of my 8 year relationship/engagement inevitable?

[heartbreakkid]

I'm 26 years old. I've been dating my current girlfriend for 8 years, with the last 8 months of them being engaged to her.

 

We are different people who like different things:

 

-I like to drink once/week. She never drinks, nor has she ever.

-I like to go out once in a while on the weekends. She always wants to stay in.

-I want to live at least 20-30 minutes away from our parents so that we have privacy. She wants to live 5 minutes away MAXIMUM from her parents.

-I'm more loud, she's more quiet.

-She's more flirty with other people, I'm not.

-I'd like to have sex a minimum of once/week. She could go without sex period (she doesn't do anything other than missionary sex, never EVER initiates it, never lets me try things on her to please her such as oral, etc.)

 

The list goes on. We're different people, but we love each other. That's all that has mattered.

 

Over the past two years, I've seen many people who have dated 1/2 and even 1/3 of the time we did get married/move in together. Her thing was that she didn't want to be engaged (I was never rejected, just in general) until she was at least 25 (which she was when I proposed).

 

Each time I bring up marriage, she asks why I am in a rush. I explain to her that we've been dating for 8 years, and that I think it's time we take the next step. Her thing is she wants to get her career set before we get married (she is currently finishing up grad school).

 

Well to speed this post up, we don't argue a whole heck of a lot, but when we do, she will basically seclude herself from me and not talk to me for 2-3 days. When we resume talking, she is usually not back to herself for a week. This only happens once/year or so, so I tolerate it and just accept that's how she is.

 

Well we have been looking to buy a house for a while now, as we both agreed we want to buy before we get married...especially to take advantage of the market right now.

 

She wanted to look at a house last week, so I said sure, let me make sure my dad can come (my dad is a very accomplished realtor of 30 years). So she asked why he had to come, and I said well because many realtors don't do showings unless you have representation. In any event, my dad recommended that we get pre-qualified before we start going to showings because many selling realtors don't like when they don't even know if people can get a loan. My father is a mortgage broker also, so naturally, we would go to him.

 

Keep in mind, since it is against the law to write a mortgage loan out for a family member, all he would be doing is "overseeing" it and making sure we got the best deal (he referred us to the best at his company). Well, my fiancee said she did NOT want to use my dad's company because she doesn't want my father knowing how much money she makes/year, and does not believe it's his business knowing how much she has in her savings (both prerequisites to be approved for a loan). I explained to her that he doesn't care what she makes (he doesn't), but it's necessary.

 

Then out of the blue she started getting just plain mean, saying she wants to go to a bank. I said well I'm going through my dad, and that's it. I'm not going through another company when my dad works for one.

 

With this, she ignored me for the past 3 days.

 

Is this a coverup for cold feet? Given everything I said in this post, is she being reasonable or unreasonable here?

 

And regardless of the answer above, does this look like this relationship is going to work for the long-term?

 

Last thing, RULE out renting an apartment, because she says she refuses to rent, saying it is a complete waste of money and she will have no part of it.

 

Opinions please. Thanks.

[reddog63]

Do not let love come between you and common sense.

 

You have enough serious differences that deep down you already know you two are not a good match.

 

Doesnt mean that either of you are a bad person, just different. The mistake people make is that they think love will be enough.

 

It sucks to break up..........but better now then after you have a house, kids, etc.

 

Put feelings aside and look at it logically. Good luck.

[swingonby]

Damn, 8 years! not easy to walk away from but the previous poster is right. There seems too much of a gap. At a guess I would say that both you and your lady have accommodating personalities and somehow gotten comfortable in your lives routines. This might have allowed you to go on for eight years but you might be on a dangerous path.

 

I do believe love is an important ingredient of a relationship but there need to be plenty of other ingredients for it to work. You need to see if you can list those together with your fiancée.

[atwitsend]

YOU DON'T MARRY THE PERSON YOU CAN LIVE WITH. YOU MARRY THE PERSON YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT.

 

Maybe that's her to you. But I don't think it's you to her. Think hard on this. Sex will be less frequent after marriage. I have been married 29 years. And my wife never initiates sex (but she really enjoys it). What could happen to you if your wife never enjoys it? How would you feel if one day after you're married your future wife said " I don't like sex at all, and would really like to not have it anymore" You may laugh at this. But it happens all the time. You two must go into premarital counseling. Then there is always the possibility that one day she will meet someone that she is physically attracted to (man or woman) and infidelity could happen. There is just to much you don't know about each other. She has a tendency to isolate herself. What happens when she has a big issue after your married? She is manipulative and will withhold love and affection from you as a power play.

Here is another question. Do you think you will have more or less disagreements after married. Trust me you will have more. And how you deal with them is not the way your fiance deals with them. Another question regarding sex. Did she enjoy or give you more when you first met (a honeymoon stage)? If she has changed did she do it to bait you into the relationship? These questions must be answered and are vitally important to you future happiness. The real estate issue is a whole other thing. She actually seems to be contentious over something that would make you happy. The problem is, there is no reason for her to do that. Other then to simply be contrary. I hope you really think hard about what I have written.

[Mr. Lucky]

Do not let love come between you and common sense.

 

You have enough serious differences that deep down you already know you two are not a good match.

 

Doesnt mean that either of you are a bad person, just different. The mistake people make is that they think love will be enough.

 

It sucks to break up..........but better now then after you have a house, kids, etc.

 

Put feelings aside and look at it logically. Good luck.

Hard to disagree with this. Do you want to spend the rest of your life getting the cold shoulder, both literally - no talking - and figuratively - no sex ? Quite honestly, your GF seems somewhat immature and certainly not ready for marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Geishawhelk]

her long silences are a contol mechanism. basically, you don't get to come through the gate until she says you can. Then (grumpy for days) it's on her terms. THis is complete manipulation of the situation, and it's not what you need when one of the foundational pillars of a relationship is Communication.

She's a poor one.

And that's putting it mildly.

 

Also, the sex thing.....?

Red flag.

 

"When the sex is great, it's 5% of the relationship.

"When the sex isn't great, it's 95% of the relationship."

 

I guarantee you it will get worse, and then, you'll cheat.

 

Eight years is a long time. It's a big investment.

but take heart.

I left after 22 and have a wonderful partner now.

 

Unless she agrees to go to pre-marriage counselling and hones up her communication skills, much as I hate to day it, with problems like these, it's doomed to failure.