unsure

[yumfruit]

hi everyone, this is my first post! i'm glad i found this place. i have alot of questions and could use some genuine advice.

 

my boyfriend and i have been together for a little over 2 years (we're both 26). a month into our relationship i found out that he had been emailing a friend he had in japan, a japanese girl who had strong feelings for him. they had never met, but simply been internet friends for several years. i found out that during that first month into our relationship, he had told her he loved her and vice versa. it really bothered me and i immediately ended our relationship. it was the first time i had ever dealt with this kind of situation. my previous boyfriends were very faithful to me as i was to them. so this whole thing basically freaked me out and i didn't want anything to do with it.

 

a couple days after we split, he called and said he didn't want to lose a good thing over someone he had never met. and that he could tell i was different from the women he had dated in the past. his ex had cheated on him numerous times, as well as countless other things.

 

he had already explained to the japanese girl that he had met me, and that he was serious about pursuing a relationship with me; something she understood and since then he has not spoken or written her. we actually never even talk about it anymore, but to this day, it had hindered my trust in him.

 

after several months of dating, we moved in together. we're both college students and felt we'd save alot of money this way. plus, we were inseparable, and loved spending every minute we had together. after a while, i felt like i could trust him again, completely. he never did anything to make me suspicious.

 

anyway, about 6 months ago, he told me that he had bumped into someone we had gone to highschool with on myspace. (we went to the same highschool, but were never aquainted). it was girl he was friends with back then, and he said that she complimented him on finding a pretty girlfriend. i thought it was very sweet of her, and that's the last he ever spoke of her.

 

about a month after that, his friends wife called me to tell me i should stop by when i had a chance. i went over to her place immediately, and she told me that while he had been there the night before she got the sense he was talking to another woman on the phone. he had disappeared to the patio for a couple hours, and refused to tell anyone who he was chatting with. she said it made her very suspicious and she wanted to let me know. i was in absolute shock. i cried on her shoulder for an hour, and then decided to head over to his other friends house he was hanging out with.

 

when i got there i confronted him immediately, and he didn't deny it. he admitted he had been talking to his old h.s. friend. he said he knew i'd overreact if he told me so he chose to talk to her in secret. i couldn't understand any of it, and i told him it made me really uncomfortable and if he cared how i felt he would stop talking to her all together. he said he would but didn't. i ended up sending her a message on myspace telling her that i found it very uncomfortable that she had encouraged him to talk to her behind my back, and that if she respected our relationship she would back off. she said whatever kind of relationship they had was none of my business, and i was absolutely outraged.

 

i told him that he needed to stop talking to her because she was trying to get in between us (which she was) but he refused and during a very heated argument he said that he would rather lose me, than tell her any such thing.

 

i was crushed beyond words, and basically didn't know what to do. i remember leaving and sleeping at my parents house, absolutely heart broken.

 

the next day, he called me, and we decided to end our relationship. as i was packing my things he told me that he didn't want to lose me. and that he had said those things in anger. he said he would stop talking to her if that's what i wanted, and for sure it was.

 

since then he has not spoken to her, which i'm grateful for, but it has left me with alot of trust issues. even though he has never physically cheated on me, sometimes i feel like maybe he has emotionally. he argues that he never had any feelings for her, but knew it would bother me just knowing his friend was a girl. i explained that it wouldn't have if he had been honest from the beginning.

 

since then, we have decided to continue our relationship, but i moved out in september. i now live with my parents who are supporting me until i'm finished with grad school later this year.

 

i have no doubt that my boyfriend loves me and wants to be with me. but i don't know how to trust him anymore. i want our relationship to work but i'm very fearful that something like this will happen again once my trust is restored. i love him very much, he has been a very kind and loving man despite these two incidents, so i'm very confused on what i should do.

[atwitsend]

I think you moving out was a good idea. Both of you need to time think if this is what you really want.

[luverly]

I am sorry to say this, but the first time this happened...with the Japanese girl...it was unforgiveable because he told her he "loved" her while he was with you. To me that is worse than physically cheating with a stranger.

 

I can kind of understand that you would want to give him a chance, but when he did this to you a second time THAT is your answer. It is extremely obvious that he was having atleast an emotional affair behind you back.

 

You wouldn't go behind a GF's back to just be a buddy with someone. It wouldn't be worth the hassle. Also if they were just friends the girl wouldn't have said "it's none of your business". she would have told you it was platonic, they're just friends, sorry if it hurt you, etc.

 

You said the girl was "trying to get in between us". NO your BF is trying to get other girls in between you all the time.

 

He's a cheater, if not physically then emotionally and one day it will become physical as well. Sorry to say this, but it is just obvious.

[smarterthanbefore]

Let me tell you something that my mother always told me, and now I see it is true, if a man truley love and respect you, there will be no other woman to worry about. He has invited two other women in your relationship, and lied to you about both. He will continue to do so because in his mind, you keep taking him back and forgiving him for it. Next time it might be sex as well as talking to another girl, because each time he has taken these extra relationships a step further. You actually should have left after he told the japanese girl he loved her. As long as you are with him, there will be other women. He see it as acceptable because you keep taking him back. He has no respect for your feelings either. When he told you that he would rather lose you than end relationship with girl #2, he pretty much showed you what you mean to him. All his pleading was his fear of losing someone he know would put up with his crap. You deserve better. I had a similar situation as yours, except I left him after girl #1, he did not get a chance to have a girl #2 with me. I 'm telling you he will cheat again. He is not trustworthy or a good man to be with. Cut your loses now and find someone you deserve. There are faithful men out there. And they will never disrespect you this way.

[smarterthanbefore]

Let it be known that i am in no way saying his behavior is unsure's fault. It is not. I'm simply saying that her boyfriend is not remorseful because he has done this to her twice, knowing that it will hurt her. He did not see your forgiveness of japanese girl as a second chance to make things between you better, he saw as a way to do the same thing and try to be more successful at it. He did not intend to get caught. And had you not been informed of his actions, would still continue his secret relationship behind your back. Something for you to think about.

[norajane]

i have no doubt that my boyfriend loves me and wants to be with me. but i don't know how to trust him anymore.

 

He may love you, but that may not be enough. He needs to respect you. And he needs to stop being so needy for validation from other women that he'll seek it out from whatever women will give it to him.

 

How do you feel about him now? Oh, I know you luv him, but don't you have less respect for him now? He's shown himself to be so open to positive attention from other women, so ready to deceive you in order to get that validation from others. Why is he so needy? Are you sure you want a guy like that in your life?

 

You're young and you don't need to trap yourself in a relationship with someone who has already disappointed you twice by seeking ego strokes elsewhere. Maybe it's time to start looking at him with a more objective set of eyes and evaluate the kind of man you really want in your life.

[undecide]

I am in a totally similar situation as yourself. I am dealing with girl #1, and have decided to give my bf another chance. I told myself, if girl #2 ever happens, then it's over, for good.

Well, you're already dealing with girl #2 - what number girl does it have to be before you will say 'enough's enough'? On top of that, she says their relationship is none of your business? OF COURSE IT'S YOUR BUSINESS, I'm sure she would feel the same if the same situation was happening to her.

My feeling is the same as everyone's above - this guy is no good.

[You'reasian]

.

 

i have no doubt that my boyfriend loves me and wants to be with me. but i don't know how to trust him anymore. i want our relationship to work but i'm very fearful that something like this will happen again once my trust is restored. i love him very much, he has been a very kind and loving man despite these two incidents, so i'm very confused on what i should do.

 

I'm sure your boyfriend loves you too. Take a deep breath, collect yourself and go have a talk with him about this. Let him no your fears - he'll share his as well.

 

Hope the two of you can sort through this!

[Aquamarisa]

What your boyfriend did was wrong (I would consider it cheating) and it does sound like he has acted very immaturely; however, I think that you should discuss with him exactly what reasons there are to stay together and if you decide to try, how you are going to do that. It clearly can't continue this way (with him lying all the time) because you are unhappy and he is unhappy. It is hard to say what the problem is but there clearly is one and it lies either with the him or with the relationship. If you think it is him, then it's probably best to let him work his problems out and move on with your life; usually when a person has an issue like this it isn't resolved quickly and putting your life on hold while he sorts it out is unfair to you. If you think it's the relationship, then it is your decision, but I can tell you from past experience that it is really hard to rebuild trust once it has been broken, but it is possible.