Klass Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 OK so here's the dealio: I saw this girl in my cousin's wedding video. That is, my cousin who was getting married in India. I've been born and brought up in America. I'm 29. So I saw this girl, and I thought she was very pretty. Just casually, I mentioned it in front of my mother. She agreed, and said if I'd be interested, she could find out more about this girl from her neice (my cousin). Since I'm single and have been for over a year after a crazy break-up (long story!), I said "sure! I wouldn't mind talking to this girl (in the video)." Long story short - three weeks later, I started talking to this girl over the phone. Remember she lives in India. So we talk... but I'm not feeling any vibes... she seemed hesitant, uncomfortable talking to me. On our third conversation, she tells me that nobody in her family -except her sister- knows that she's been talking to a stranger who hasn't formally sent a proposal to her family. So that's why she's uneasy about talking to me like this. I tell her, that's understandable because of our different cultures (since I'd lived in America all of my life). She says that if I'm interested in her (which I am based only on her looks) I should decide now and send a formal proposal - and then we can continue talking or else forget about it. I told her that I'd like to keep talking to her and get to know each other and if things work out between us, I would not mind traveling to India for an engagement. To that she responds that most likely her family will want direct wedding (meaning no engagement). See, THAT is a little preposterous to me. I hardly know her. I can't just marry her just like that. Meanwhile my parents think I'm being totally unreasonable and that the more I try to know her, the more complicated it will get. And that sometimes it takes two people an entire lifetime and they still don't know everything about each other. Basically they're suggesting that I should make up my decision now. And if it's a yes, I could go to India and we could possibly get engaged and then married in the next couple months. Am I being unreasonable? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Well, since you have been raised in the states and grown up with our culture - dating, etc. YES - this is preposterous. Even if you were to actually marry her as a complete unknown entity, it sounds like you would be so culturally different - that you may not be able to love together here. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Since you are Indian, even though you grew up in the US, I'm sure you are aware that this is how things are done in India. You can't transpose your American expectations and beliefs onto her since she didn't grow up here, and she and her family aren't likely to accept a more American view on dating, engagement, and marriage. To us, arranged marriages with no time to know each other sounds crazy. But it's been the norm in India for centuries, so, apparently, it does seem to work for Indian families. As I understand it, the point of arranged marriages is family first, and familial love between the couple is expected to develop over time. Arranged marriages are not about falling in love and then marrying. If you can't see yourself in an arranged marriage, then leave this girl alone. You may cause her disgrace, or a lot of discomfort and anxiety if you keep trying to pursue her in an American way. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I completely agree. There is an actual legal organisation here in the UK that rescues English Indian girls who are kidnapped and taken back to India and forced into arranged marriages. They've grown up in a culture where such events are not the norm, yet their family, unable to make the switch, insisting on living according to the rules of a culture 3000miles away, cannot and will not acccept this. City schools have been alarmed at the amount of young teen girls disappearing without trace, but have so far done little to address the problem, because their involvement would be seen as intrusion, interference and racist (!) And this doesn't just happen to very young girls. Recently a fully qualified female doctor was sent to Pakistan on false pretenses, and her family kept her prisoner for 4 months. Eventually, she managed to get in touch with friends in the UK who immediately contacted the appropriate authorities. The Courts in Pakistan also took a dim view of this, and the woman was released, and is now back in the UK. So arranged marriages seem an anathema to us. Coercion, force, and unnatural situations. but for many countless millions, they are a way of life, a safe and selective means of connecting people, families and businesses, and the complete norm. If you, as an American, cannot see this, I suggest, as others have done, that out of kindness and respect for her, you cease contact immediately. In her eyes, you are a potential husband, and you're raising her hopes. In my eyes, you're frankly playing with someone's life and being a bit selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
manchvegasgal Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 She says that if I'm interested in her (which I am based only on her looks) I should decide now and send a formal proposal - and then we can continue talking or else forget about it. She seems to know EXACTLY the way she wants things. Different for us? Absolutely, and I certainly wouldn't encourage you to completely change your feelings..but then I think she should be extended the same courtesy. It actually reminds me of people who go on a first date here and right off say "I expect to be married within 5 years and if you don't see that happening then we shouldn't even finish this date." We all have our wants, needs, and deal breakers. Meanwhile my parents think I'm being totally unreasonable and that the more I try to know her, the more complicated it will get. And that sometimes it takes two people an entire lifetime and they still don't know everything about each other. Basically they're suggesting that I should make up my decision now. And if it's a yes, I could go to India and we could possibly get engaged and then married in the next couple months. Do you feel pressured by your parents to enter into an arranged marriage? It sounds like maybe they are willing to let you decide for yourself, but I know personally it can be hard to ignore what you know they want deep down. It sounds like you're not running away with the quickness...but you're not jumping in headfirst either. Could it be that you are looking at other arranged marriages and wondering if it would be right for you? Link to post Share on other sites
taiko Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 She seems to know EXACTLY the way she wants things. Different for us? Absolutely, and I certainly wouldn't encourage you to completely change your feelings..but then I think she should be extended the same courtesy. It actually reminds me of people who go on a first date here and right off say 'I expect to be married within 5 years and if you don't see that happening then we shouldn't even finish this date' We all have our wants, needs, and deal breakers. Do you feel pressured by your parents to enter into an arranged marriage? It sounds like maybe they are willing to let you decide for yourself, but I know personally it can be hard to ignore what you know they want deep down. It sounds like you're not running away with the quickness...but you're not jumping in headfirst either. Could it be that you are looking at other arranged marriages and wondering if it would be right for you? I would disagree. Anytime you go international like this you are out of the normal dating world. Immigration laws along with outside cultures make the situation marriage or nothing. Any contact is seen with the ultimate marriage in mind. As the girl had said, to just talk is an engagement. Cultures outside of the 'west' tend to stay away from the Euro/American, Star Trek model of thinking that all cultures are equal. Even though the man was raised in America all invovled except him expect him to come home to the superior culture. Thus he is looking to India for a bride, not a fling or chatmate, a wife. And he is Not talking because this one Indian woman is the most beautiful in the world but rather that he tasted life abroad and wants a traditional girl of his culture along with the ability to earn the riches of the UK or America in this case. I agree with the others, if you are too American to accept this part of your ancestors culture then don't talk to girls in India. Link to post Share on other sites
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