Happy marriage, unhappy sex. Another one.

[swingonby]

I suppose I am yet another man dissatisfied with his sex life. I read many posts of other men in similar situations but often there are more problems than just lack of sex. I wonder how I be judged. I decided to post here because I think half the solution is writing down my thoughts for others to read and comment on. There are several issues that play a role here and I like to try to highlight them first.

 

First of all I am a 44 year old male. Self employed, I have a good income and really not many things to be unhappy about. A rough childhood but great foster parents got me on the right track but I never cared much for girls. When I was 18 I was very uncomfortable with women and as a result never dated, let alone had sex. It was when I was 22 that I met the woman of my dreams. Love hit me like a brick like I never thought possible. Sex was abundant, intense and passionate. Long story short, we married a year later and together moved to live on the other side of the world where we now after 20 years are still together living in a fantastic location.

 

Fairytale stuff right? It gets better, I still love her a lot. She is intelligent, funny and very attractive. We can still talk forever about philosophy and politics as if we met just last week. But there are problems and almost predictably they are about sex. But a history here too.

 

15 years ago cell changes were discovered and my wife needed a preventative operation on her cervix. Nothing major but scary nevertheless. We decided not to wait had try for a child. No problem there and after a great pregnancy my son was born 13 years ago. Unfortunately immediately after labour problems began that resulted in a severe infection and damage on the tissue between the vagina wall and rectum. I need to be clear that anal sex had never been on the menu ever in any way form or shape. After a long and painful recovery and of course having a baby sex was off the menu completely. That made total sense how could it be otherwise. Gradually the sex returned but the passion and intensity became rare as did the frequency. We talk about one a month here on average.

 

This frequency is also low due to her candida that most months puts her out of action for a week during her mid cycle. We tried everything but after fighting it for a decade we have to accept that it is something we need to accept and manage.

 

Time moved on and about 8 years ago our relationship hit rock bottom. She was not sure if she loved me while despite a lack of sex I still loved her. Then one day she told me she had sex with her manager at the hotel she worked but she also said she realised she loved me. The strangest thing is that I didn't feel upset at all. Instead, I was excited. The simple fact that there was some sexuality left in her. So there really was nothing to forgive for me.

 

 

However, it was clear that our marriage was in crisis and so we took some counselling to get back on track. Sceptical as I was, this actually worked very well and somehow my wife believes I changed and her love for me returned. Note that my love for her never wavered. But a return of her love for me did not mean she'd have more sex with me.

 

So I made a decision about 3 years ago to work on this problem. So far the only sex with her was true vanilla style and although she loves to receive oral sex, she reluctantly gives it and will certainly never offer it. We talked about our sex problem a lot always ending in her saying it was her and she needed time. But it was realy my problem and I told her that I felt I sort of missed out on my wild years and wanted a sexual experience with another woman. At that point I have nobody lined up. But soon enough on the net I came across this woman that simply could not get enough sex and was keen enough to meet up. As so we did.

 

The sex was awesome, unfamiliar and different. In many ways I'd prefer my wife but it was hot and intense and so different. I told her of the meeting afterward of course and like with her adventure, we discussed it in detail. With as a result plenty of loving sex for a while. However, this woman was a keen swinger and told me about this swingers club and how I should bring my wife there one night. Well, after plenty of talking we decided to give it a go.

 

We went to the swingers club several times and although we never met up with that woman, we did interact sexually with several people. This was just perfect. Seeing so much sexual activity turned us both on and those nights generally were very satisfying but not always. I certainly enjoyed it and my wife said she also did. Also at home our sex life improved a lot. She even took a liking to sucking my dick for a short while. But eventually she claimed that she did not want to go anymore. It was too forced in her opinion. So I can only conclude that she might not have liked it as much as she said she did even she had sex with a guy there too.

 

Anyway, since then we quickly slipped back into the old routine of no sex and that was it. But I had a glimpse of what sex could be like, more than ever did I realise how much I short changed myself in my younger years. 2 years ago I planned a trip to Thailand for major dental work. I choose Thailand because I had heard about the amazing women there and dental services are very good and affordable. In fact the flight, 10 days stay and dental work was half the cost of our local dentist. But although the dental work was necessary, I really wanted to go for the women and be in paradise for 10 days. My wife was happy to let me go and trusted me not to cheat. She even asked me not to do anything but that was never an option for me. After so many years of a miserable sex life,having experienced the swingers scene and now back in the rut I wanted more.

 

Well, the dental work was excellent and the sex was great. Back home I told her the same day what I had been up to. My wife was disappointed but this time didn't want to hear the details. Yet, the sex picked up a bit and it seemed almost like a reward. But she was also very clear. "Don't keep doing this" but again I will not and can not promise.

 

So here we are started 2009, sex life back to the standard all time low and I read the posts from the other members here. I realise I love my wife more than anything, I realise she loves me a lot too. Most people would say she has shown an amazing level of understanding and accommodation, yet I am basically asked to be celibate. She still says that it is her fault and she is working on it but this has been the case for decades and although I believe she wants to change, I also know she cant.

 

A few times I read about the three options. Celibacy, Cheating or divorce. Divorce is out of the question. I really don't want a life without her. Cheating is something I don't want to do either. The episode in Thailand was cheating of course but I think we both knew what was going to happen. Celibacy? No way. I am a man and sex totally occupies my mind when I don't get any. But there are other options. She could change. But you can see that she really tried but simply couldn't. A divorce for a lack of sex alone sounds really stupid so what do I do?. I don't want another relationship because I have a great woman that I love.

 

For me the best thing would be to go back to swinging but she obviously was not cut out for that. She tried to change, she had a rough time in the past with her private parts and her Candida doesn't help either. Reading it all back I sound selfish and I think most women on this board would confirm that. Yet I do not want to to accept near celibacy as an option.

 

Pffff, after all that writing I realise more than ever how great a woman she really is. How the hell can I make this work. What do I do?

[atwitsend]

I pity you. Once you've been to Paris, you can never go back to the farm. There are only three answers. Divorce her, get her to allow an open relationship, or continue to cheat on her. I don't see any other way. Present her the options, and see what she says.

[Mr. Lucky]

I really wanted to go for the women and be in paradise for 10 days. My wife was happy to let me go and trusted me not to cheat...

 

...Cheating is something I don't want to do either. The episode in Thailand was cheating of course but I think we both knew what was going to happen.

The contradiction in what you've posted here and the self-serving nature of your rationalizations is (at least to me) the root cause fo your unhappiness. Given the way things are now, what is it that you want?

 

Mr. Lucky

[seibert253]

Seems to me that no matter what you do, you're not going to be happy. Not much advice, I'd have to say flip a coin on this one.

[OneTwo]

Why can't she change? What is preventing it? I know you said that she tries, and it is successful in the short run but then always goes back to the same. Since she does seem to respond favorable at times, I would say that there is a solution. I just don't know what that solution is. In the mean time, you are going to have to either put up with it or cheat.

 

I have a feeling that you will find out that she can change but just won't. I think once you find out why she won't change, you will find out why her desire for sex with you has waned as well (meaning her complacency is both the reason for not changing and the reason for lack of desire).

[theadviser]

I think you have a psychological problem. You might wanaa read an article about normal relationship: http://ecologygie.wordpress.com/2009/01/09/keeping-a-relationship/

 

 

 

--------------------------

Magic of making up

[swingonby]

Why can't she change? What is preventing it? I know you said that she tries, and it is successful in the short run but then always goes back to the same. Since she does seem to respond favorable at times, I would say that there is a solution.

 

Mainly her severe mid cycle candida attack hinders her in having sex. Of course there are other forms of sex besides intercourse but when she has this attack she doesn't feel sexy but bloated, tired and frustrated.

 

Yet over the last decade or so we pulled out all stops to try to get on top of the Candida but we have no success and specialists have given up.

 

But, a few years ago when I forced the issue and took the initiative to get her to come along to a swingers club, the candida skipped a few months so I suspect sexual inactivity actually agrevates her Candida attacks.

 

So yeah, part of the solution is to break the cycle but the question is how? I spend a lot of time with her. Chatting, massaging and not a day goes by that I do not feel full of love and complement her on things she does or how she looks. I look forward to see her come home from work.

 

You question her love for me but you gotta take it from me that we are both very much in love with each other which probably makes the frustration even greater. But replacing sex with love only is impossible for me.

 

Following up on my post and the cold responses on this forum I decided to have another talk with my wife and pretty much ran my initial post by her. Only a slight surprise because she didn't do the swinging purely for me but actually did enjoy it for a while but it is still not something to return back to.

 

She wishes to find a common ground. She more sex, I less obsessed. Someone wrote here that sex is 95% of the relationship if you don't get any and 5% when it is good. Don't know about the numbers but I get the point and I agree.

 

But like many times before, she does accept that she needs to change but the question is: HOW

 

So our next step will be to involve a sex therapist and see if we can find new ways to make this happen.

 

I am keen to make this happen too because other options would have to involve additional sex outside our marriage and that would hurt my wife who finds that thought unbearable and our relationship would be damaged because she already feels sexually inadequate. Oddly enough she has not so much a problem with me having sex with other women but she has a problem with the idea that it happens because of her problem.

 

Currently we know many couples who are either unhappy, in a divorce process or just divorced. It is sad to see how many families are falling appart. I don't want to go down that road. There is too much to lose, yet all the above considerations are about her. I am 44 and in the peak of my life, During my entire life I had maybe 4 years of good sex before my son was born. Now I want more and I want it soon.

[jwi71]

 

So our next step will be to involve a sex therapist and see if we can find new ways to make this happen.

 

Perfect next step and you took the words right outta my mouth. I think you two could vastly benefit from a sex therapist.

 

I am keen to make this happen too because other options would have to involve additional sex outside our marriage and that would hurt my wife who finds that thought unbearable and our relationship would be damaged because she already feels sexually inadequate. Oddly enough she has not so much a problem with me having sex with other women but she has a problem with the idea that it happens because of her problem.

 

Makes sense to me actually. Sure, it affects her just as it affects yourself - she feels "less" because she is unable to physically meet your appetite. I think you both have a good handle on the situation and are dealing with it in a very healthy manner (except Thailand - betraying trust is REALLY bad bud - and Bumrungrad is REALLY awesome). I also think said sex therapist can help her with this.

 

See the sex therapist. Trust her and give it time to work. Best part is...unlike MC, sex therapy sounds like something to look forward to working on at home!