Sprokkett Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 We all say things to our partners in emails/verbal, etc. But, now that my marriage is on the rocks, I can't help , but come across some earlier emails or cards. For example, some quotes that come to mind were: "I just want us to communicate and get past things together" "I want us to work as a team and not against each other. " My current situation is that my wife now wants to concentrate on just being friends and living in the moment. Day by day... I understand I may be looking too much into this and living more for the day is not a bad philosophy. But, its not easy going to planning events as a couple for the future, to just living for the day and not knowing what the future holds for us... Link to post Share on other sites
Frankasy Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 For me words are your weapons in a relationship. Even if your marriage has hit rock bottom like you're saying, a good speech with quotes like that but with your own words too along with a gift or a romantic dinner or something else that she might like is the key to success in your case. No offense, your wife's idea of living the moment is a good idea but it's not a good option when being in a marriage, in fact it's the opposite, living the moment is when you aren't committed yet but single. You plan the future when you're married, try to get her to realize that. Link to post Share on other sites
atwitsend Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Sprokett, your wife is already having sex with someone. There is no doubt about this. When a woman starts an affair she will often stop having sex with her husband. Why? Because she actually feels guilty about cheating on the one she is cheating with. Why she told you that she thinks she might be lesbian is because she wants you to get comfortable with the idea and ease you into this friendship BS. She wants to keep you around so she can eat cake. Most likely she needs a babysitter so she can go out and have fun. But I am also sure that she is worried about the financial aspects of leaving you as well. There is also someone else pulling her strings with you. I'm afraid you already know all this. But do not want to admit it to yourself. You are passively sitting by because she has guilt tripped you into everything being your fault and you have to be patient (while she goes out and finds herself,ha,ha). The only way you can stop this is by manning up and letting her know you can't and won't live this way. You need to start by closing all joint bank accounts. And removing any and all physical, emotional, and financial support. Here is a list of what you have to do. Or you can wait around while and hope that she will change (not likely without a reason). Please, if you want to save your marriage (if that is possible), you cannot wait. Here is the 180 list. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. In closing you might have been a real bastard to her. That is a reason to go to counseling, or for her to divorce or separate from you. Not a permission slip to go out and explore her sexuality. These principles are the only way of dealing with the situation, whatever way this turns out. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 My current situation is that my wife now wants to concentrate on just being friends and living in the moment. Day by day... What does your wife mean by that? Hard to comment without any background... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 maybe she's wanting to go back to base, to a place where things were more solidly grounded? words have the potential to be little bombs, and you need to carefully consider how you use them, even when you're offering something good/positive. In relationships, "I" is less affective than "we" … "I just want us to communicate and get past things together" .... how about, "We can learn to communicate better and heal what's hurt us" ? "I want us to work as a team and not against each other. " .... "We can work together as a team to rebuild our marriage" it gives the other person a chance to be on the same team where the goals are mutual, not be *told* what needs to be done by someone else! Link to post Share on other sites
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