learner911 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I've read countless posts here that basically has more or less the same pattern as to what is now happening to me. Wife doesn't love me anymore, needs to find herself, needs space, felt neglected, not appreciated, unhappy, etc. I really find it truly amazing that this happens over and over without end in more or less the same manner and circumstances to most people on this site. It's like a pattern. My wife of 2 years moved out 3 months ago. I posted my story in another thread. The divorce is in the process of getting finalized. I don't feel crushed anymore and have accepted it and decided to cut my losses and to find a better wife next time around - if I ever get married again. I believe that it won't be long before I feel content with life again. I decided that life owes me nothing and it throwes it's downsides to you - and in some situations you just have to cut your losses and look to the future with what you learned. When I look back I can see my mistakes. For the life of me I always had her best interests at heart and loved her. I have regrets of what I didn't do and should have done. All I can say is that I think saying you love some one but not in love with them anymore is a bunch of bollocks. I think people like this like to escape reality and live in fairy tail land and think life owes them something. They don't appreciate what they have and I think this becomes evident after the divorce or the affair if there wasn't any serious issues like physical abbuse, emotional abbuse, drug problems, etc. Running a marriage on the 'in love' feeling is suicide because it comes and goes. There is nothing wrong with being 'in love' but there will be times when that feeling fades and there will be high times. I really think marriage is a commitment more than an 'in love' feeling that comes and goes. Especially when there is kids involved as kids need a stable environment to grow up in where parents stand together and have a solid commitment to each other to make their marriage work as life will get in the way. No matter to whom you are married to there will always be challenges as all people have their things and people is very far from perfect - every one of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I've read countless posts here that basically has more or less the same pattern as to what is now happening to me. Wife doesn't love me anymore, needs to find herself, needs space, felt neglected, not appreciated, unhappy, etc. I really find it truly amazing that this happens over and over without end in more or less the same manner and circumstances to most people on this site. It's like a pattern. My wife of 2 years moved out 3 months ago. I posted my story in another thread. The divorce is in the process of getting finalized. I don't feel crushed anymore and have accepted it and decided to cut my losses and to find a better wife next time around - if I ever get married again. I believe that it won't be long before I feel content with life again. I decided that life owes me nothing and it throwes it's downsides to you - and in some situations you just have to cut your losses and look to the future with what you learned. When I look back I can see my mistakes. For the life of me I always had her best interests at heart and loved her. I have regrets of what I didn't do and should have done. All I can say is that I think saying you love some one but not in love with them anymore is a bunch of bollocks. I think people like this like to escape reality and live in fairy tail land and think life owes them something. They don't appreciate what they have and I think this becomes evident after the divorce or the affair if there wasn't any serious issues like physical abbuse, emotional abbuse, drug problems, etc. Running a marriage on the 'in love' feeling is suicide because it comes and goes. There is nothing wrong with being 'in love' but there will be times when that feeling fades and there will be high times. I really think marriage is a commitment more than an 'in love' feeling that comes and goes. Especially when there is kids involved as kids need a stable environment to grow up in where parents stand together and have a solid commitment to each other to make their marriage work as life will get in the way. No matter to whom you are married to there will always be challenges as all people have their things and people is very far from perfect - every one of us. Good insight Learner--If I didn't know any better I'd swear you pulled tht thought right out of my own mind. Those first two months are unbelievably painful but I know what you mean about not feeling "crushed" anymore. I'm slightly behind you in the timeline (just over 2 months) but I am able to at least breath now and think of other things. Thanks for the insight to what lies ahead in the next month. Glad you are keepin' on keepin' on. Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Great post learner, not sure why a lot of these women think the pastures are greener elsewhere. I think an older friend of mine explained it to me best recently. He said, it's the 'fixer' syndrome. When a woman meets you, they find things wrong with you, then they work on fixing you to get you more perfect in their eyes. So fast forward a couple years down the road, once they get you to where they want you, and everything is good, now you're boring, there's nothing more to fix about you. Maybe this only applies to some of the situations. I know I wasn't perfect, I had some things she couldn't change about me, and those were my faults. Maybe she just finally gave up on trying to change things and moved on. In my situation, I think I my wife saw another man whose wife left him. She couldn't make sense of it in her mind and felt compassion for him. Then while being his friend, found she had feelings for him, and now is leaving me for him, although she denies it to no end. I guess I should've realized this, as something similar happened to me 15 years ago, with an ex-girlfriend. My ex-girlfriend had compassion for a friend of hers at school who was on drugs, she kept telling me that she needed to help him get thru these hard times. I believed her until I walked into a common place we hung out and saw her kissing on him. I guess I should've been noticing the signs, I just never realized it happens more than we think. When we let our guard down, is when we are vulnerable. Link to post Share on other sites
BusterBrown Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 well said learner. couldn't have said it any better. My parents have been married for almost 40 yrs now and I've seen them work through any problem they ever had. It boggles my mind to see women leave good guys with good intentions. Its like they look at their marriage like they are going steady, and have no problems just breaking up. Me, I don't believe in divorce unless there are extreme circumstances. If I promise to be with someone for life, well dog gone it that's what I am going to do. I made a promise. Its a shame this way of thinking is no longer normal. Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 well said learner. couldn't have said it any better. My parents have been married for almost 40 yrs now and I've seen them work through any problem they ever had. It boggles my mind to see women leave good guys with good intentions. Its like they look at their marriage like they are going steady, and have no problems just breaking up. Me, I don't believe in divorce unless there are extreme circumstances. If I promise to be with someone for life, well dog gone it that's what I am going to do. I made a promise. Its a shame this way of thinking is no longer normal. I agree with you 100% Link to post Share on other sites
skinman Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Its part of society these day learner911... we have become a throw away society where nothing is worth keeping or trying to make work if it takes effort.... I can feel where you are coming from my wife of almost 16 years gave me the speech back in October told me she didnt love me and wanted to find someone she shared interests with.... I guess the 15 years and 2 kids wasnt enough to keep her interest.... I did everything for my wife I put her and my girls before myself... I worked myself so hard at one point putting 65-70 hours a week that I gave myself a heart attack at 36.... was there any appreciation shown for my hard work and dedication... no I was told that "we have drifted apart" so much for busting your a$$ and look what you get... you get the door... Women today feel they are entitled to happiness and if they aren't happy in the situation they are in its easier for them to spread their legs and find it somewhere else... Someone new and exciting as most of our wives have done..... Granted I know I wasnt perfect in my marriage and could have done some stuff better but I did the best i knew how... how can you fix something if you dont know its broke.... They expect you to be able to read their minds and body language... All I can say is i dont think i will ever venture down this road again.... I hope my STBXW finds happiness with quite a few guys the more the better...... maybe then she will realize just how far I would have gone to make her happy.......... Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Granted I know I wasnt perfect in my marriage and could have done some stuff better but I did the best i knew how... how can you fix something if you dont know its broke.... They expect you to be able to read their minds and body language... All I can say is i dont think i will ever venture down this road again.... I hope my STBXW finds happiness with quite a few guys the more the better...... maybe then she will realize just how far I would have gone to make her happy.......... Good post, skin - I agree w/ you on everything. The part about not being perfect? You, your wives, anyone - will be so hard pressed to find that perfection. You have better odds at winning the lottery. Anyone believe in karma? I used to......... Link to post Share on other sites
Gowithflow Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 It's one thing to be married, and another to be "happly married". I was married and happy most of the time. It's the other times that wore my wife down. She works at a cafe where all walks of life enter in the door. The ring means nothing if there's no true happiness, (found this out the hard way after stbxw had 3 month affair). Some people can exist in a humdrum relationship, and some will walk. I've seen it way to many times in my life. I come on strong and fade out over time. I act like I don't care, then when they walk I am somehow surprised. By then it's too late, but I suppose we all try to convice the ex otherwise. Time is the only cure. This seems to be the only statement people can agree on here. Link to post Share on other sites
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