From friends to lovers -- and a ROUGH transition...

[sean001]

I am transitioning from a friendship to a committed relationship and it is not going well. I need advice on what to do because I want it to work out. Here's the history:

 

We went to high school together but never really talked there. We re-met at our high school reunion and started casually dating about 2 years ago. We didn't "stay" dating, it became more a friendship, although there was always some stronger undertones with the situation.

 

Unfortunately, from the reunion until about 2 months ago, I had the worst period of my life. I had to deal with a job loss and a move, and then the passing away of my father and my best friend. I was not emotionally able to be in a committed relationship and I told her so.

 

But she still stayed around and supported me as her friend. Somewhere along the line she realized she loved me, and told me. I explained where I was at (she knew), I told her it might be painful to be in a situation with me if I can't reciprocate, and I also continued to casually date other people also. She stayed around, but eventually got so jealous and felt so much pain that about a month ago she stopped speaking to me. This was right after I just got done selling my father's house and finally reaching some closure on his sudden death.

 

Unfortunately, her leaving forced to the surface the feelings I had that I couldn't admit. I went to her after she left and asked several times if she would want to try a committed relationship... and she eventually said yes.

 

But the dillema is that ever since she agreed, she has treated me like dirt -- like she couldn't be bothered with me. It is so painful everytime we get together because she is completely distant and puts no effort into the situation. I've given her the keys to my place, sent her flowers, made a song for her, and try as best I can to let her know how much she means to me. But I've gotten nothing in return. She was actually nicer to me when there was no commitment.

 

It hurts so much that I don't know how long I can go on. We have talked to death the issue of where she is -- she says she is having a hard time making the transition... that she is not used to me being around so much... that she feels I broke her heart before (even though i didn't know it)... that she is having a hard time falling in love again.

 

I truly don't know the best approach. I've made myself available 24/7 for her, but part of me feels like that could be smothering her. I told her today that if she wanted to get together for dinner to call me -- she never did. I don't know if I need to be cool and give her space... or if she needs to know that I am here and always thinking about her, which i am.

 

If anyone has been through this, I would really appreciate your advice. I don't know what to do because I've never made this type of transition before.

[Tony T]

I think you're trying way too hard. Take baby steps. For now, just do a good job being her friend. Give her space, lots of space. Don't give her room to hurt your feelings. Pull back. Be cool. Let her do what she wants to do. You really need to turn this situation around and make HER feel like you are feeling.

 

She agreed to get back together with you in a committed relationship and right now we don't really know what's up with her. Feelings aren't something you force. But you're not going to have her fall madly in love with you by being so concerned about where her head's at. Don't even worry about kissing her or anything...just be there when you want to be. Do exactly what she is doing.

 

It sounds like you are going way out of your way to accomodate this lady and that's surely enough to turn many women totally off. Women want a MAN, not a guy who's going to kiss their ass.

 

Get yourself together. The sooner you don't care which direction this relationship will go, the sooner it will go in the direction you don't care whether or not it goes in...if you get my drift.

[sean001]

Thanks, Tony.

 

You make a lot of sense. But let me just clarify that we aren't getting BACK together -- this is the first time we ever tried a committed relationship after being casual for 2 years. It's the first time I've been willing to commit in a long time, and she told me that I would "change my mind" soon afterwards anyway. So part of me wants to prove her wrong, even though she's not investing anything.

 

I haven't loved somebody in over 7 years and it's made me a little crazy. It might take me some time to find the right balance with being there, without being there too much. I want her to know I am thinking about her and will be there because when we were casual she believed that I did not think about her in that way. I guess those beliefs aren't going to change overnight.

 

-Sean

[Tony T]

This is a tough one because if you're going to flare up those fires of passion in her, you can't be kissing her butt. You will have to strike a correct balance of caring and being aloof and unpredictable. It's going to be hard but just don't try so hard. If she's seeing that you are busting your butt to be with her, she will be so turned off. Hey, if it's meant to happen it will happen. If you've learned a lesson in preparation for somebody else to come into your life who would be so much better for you, wow...that's great too. Just stop being so uptight over this. It's just not worth it.

[MajesticDolphin]

ok, well i have gone from a friendship to a relationship before, it was wierd. then we woud have our probs. we really liked eachother, i would call it borderline love. he was really into in and i wasn't-i was drifting. so i know what is going on here. she might be pushing you away for personal reasons. i don't know her, but that is a common reason. i don't know if you are still have problems, but i hope things are better for you!