Will I ever have her for GOOD???

[wmast]

Who am I fooling...?? Is she's playing games or is there something I'm just not seeing?

 

I've posted my story over and over so it seems to be redundant. BUT things seems to be getting better then they get bad again so I need help.

 

I'll start off by saying I'm a fool who is in love with a girl who not only left me while we were in our marriage planning stages after 5 yrs of dating but who also obviously doesn't respect my feelings. She cited that she needed to "see what else was out there". She immediately started dating another guy. 3 months into it she came back saying she made a mistake and that she would leave the other guy... But she never left him. This push and pull scenario went on for four additional months until I told her all or nothing. She cried and said "all". The next day she left him.

 

It was official, they were finally done. His Myspace was changed to "single", she deleted hers as well as changed her cell number. Seemed like we were making some serious headway. We spoke about everything that happened... We cleared the air about everything. She told me she longed for my attention and I see how I neglected to give it to her as much as I could have; but to my defense I was focused on making money for our wedding/ marriage life. I told her that I now had trust issues that she would have to help me overcome with reassurance and time. She agreed and said she would.

 

So come Christmas time she invites me to take a trip out to Arizona to meet her extended family for the 1st time. I was excited, so was she... Everything was looking real bright, everything seemed to be falling into place. Her family was excited, my family was excited... Christmas with her family was great. I got to meet all her grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles... It was great. The only issue was that the other guy got her new number (I'm guessing through mutual friends) and started calling her. I was aggravated but hearing her say, "leave me alone, it's over" to him made things a bit better.

 

Ok, so everything seemed good until Tuesday. I called her when she got out of work because we had plans to go to dinner and she seemed extra distant. I felt the coldness in her voice and I was really confused. Everything seemed to be going great and now I felt all the pain coming back with he coldness she exuded. She said, "I don't really know about tonight, I've been thinking about things and I feel lost". "Here we go again", I thought. I asked her to clarify but she said, "I just don't know" and left it at that. I've put myself through so much emotional hurt with this woman. One day everything seems great and the next it's not. This cycle has been going on for 8 months now. This is by far the closest I've been to getting her back but I still know that I don't have her 100%. I don't feel like I have her @ all!

 

I was speechless to it all. I told her, "well when you know what you want in life, you know where to find me but until then I don't want to hear from you". She said, "ok, trust me, I know that I want you, I just have to resolve some issues within myself". Now I understand we all have issues but I feel as if the relationship is RAN BY HER. We're on a break when SHE wants it and we're back together when SHE says so.

 

I feel so duped right now. Everything feels so out of balance. I love this girl to death, but idk how much more of this I can take. Now I question, who knows if her "unresolved issues" stem from her still having feelings for the other guy, not having feelings for me, or something else. She won't open up any further and I feel my insecurities/ trust issues are opening up again. The thing that pisses me off is that SHE'S the one who put us through this so SHE should be the one repairing us but I find it's always my wheels spinning thinking about how I can get us back to normal.

 

I really no longer know what to do. I haven't heard from her since Tue so NC is KILLING me. Before I was ok without talking to her but since we were back in communication on a several times a day basis, this cut off again really hurts. I'm obviously going to stay NC until she contacts me saying what I want to hear but I feel almost as if what I want to hear ISN'T enough. I've HEARD it hundreds of times before that I'm her "soulmate, the love of her life, etc..." But I always end up feeling the same way when the dust settles. Maybe I make it too easy on her. I made the transition super easy so she knows that she can come and go as she pleases. But then if I made it hard for her, she'd just say "you aren't loving, caring, affectionate enough"... I feel like I'm in a catch 22.

 

Sorry for the long post and the same stupid problems over and over. I know you guys get tired of it. My friends/ family that I confide in certainly are and so am I. It's the same thing over and over. She wants me, she gets me, then she doesn't want me. When I finally seem to be moving forward, she realizes it and wants me again. But then when she gets me she throws it away.

 

Any help would be appreciated!

[WiseOne1]

I know how you feel, and i've seen your whole sistuation unravel.

Im sure you don't wanna hear the regular "leave her alone" or "go NC and stay NC".

 

However you do have to draw the line, I've been through the same thing with a ex who acted 100% like your's, everytime we use to have the issues I always will tell her (call me when you get ready) and after the 6th time, I told her (don't ever call me again). You've probably just haven't reached that level so far, but this can go over for months and even years.

 

She has to many choices, just like you said maybe your to loose on her, and she knows that, she feels that she can comeback anytime she feels like.

[D-Lish]

Oh wow, I'm sorry about this.

 

You are right, the power is very one sided right now. She is holding all the cards. The only way to change it is to take back the control.

 

You've let her know she can come back anytime she wants. I think you need to take a stand. When she contacts you again, tell her you don't know if you want to continue the relationship, that YOU need time to think about things and have some space. Let her know you will contact her when you are ready.

 

Then, take that time to think about what you want. How many times are you going to let her cycle like this and hurt you?

 

The message she needs to have right now is that you are NOT going to be waiting for her, NOT be available to her whims.

 

I know you're afraid that taking a stand will close the door for future reconciliation. But you do need to shut the door on her right now if you want any future with her. You do need to stand up for yourself.

 

She doesn't respect you right now- and refusing to take her crap will change that. I guess you have to ask yourself how many times you are willing to let her do this to you.

 

You have to think about doing the opposite of what hasn't been working for you. Really give her a chance to think about what her life would be like without you- the only way you can do this is to say no to her.

[BobrigoSanchez]

Wow. You're not going through anything that is not text book behavior in break-up situations. What she is doing to you is COMPLETELY clear and there should be no confusion, partner.

 

You've already acknowledge that you are making it easy for her to transition. You are 100% right. She's got the setup with you, and you've told her straight up "figure your life out, and then give me a call". Amazing! She gets the warmest security blanket a girl can ask for! She is never going to come back to you, and you need to live your life as such.

 

Guy, if you don't pull away from this chick emotionally, you are going to keep getting hurt hurt hurt. People will talk about NC. Well that's your choice. NC is great when you do it because it helps you MOVE ON. Moving on is what you need to be doing! This relationship is not going to work, and believe me when I say: in the most remote possibility that it might work, you're not putting yourself in a position to be wanted or respected, man. You need to walk away and start your own life! I feel bad for you, sorry.

 

I need to reiterate that your thought process needs to be refocused on NOT BEING WITH HER. This is what you need to face. And on top of that, when she cals you up after you've moved on with your life (in 2-3 months, maybe less, I guarantee you) You cannot, must not and will not get back together with her!

 

Spending holidays with her family, having sex again, etc... MEANS NOTHING! This isn't gaining you any ground, instead it is giving her more security to go out and do whatever she wants. Think about it. Well, I'm sure you thought about it and know all this information by heart. So why are you still with her? Man you got to be strong. Got to.

 

I would like to say that there can be contact between you and her. But when you talk to her, you have to first of all, not be the person to initiate contact. Secondly, you need not go over the details of the relationship. It's done. You need to also be assertive and not talk about your future together. There is none, buddy. At this point, you've given her 8 MONTHS of security! That's going to take time to unravel. You need to be cool and firm when you tell her "Hey babe, I enjoy your company but there is NO CHANCE of us getting back together". You need to believe this though, and accept it as reality.

 

I'm hurting for you, dude. Because you know what's going down, and it is a classic behavior from her, but you don't move on. That's where you need to be. Moved on. 95% chance she will try to contact you again once the vibe of you having moved on sets in. It is in the stars! But when she contacts you realize that she may very well believe that there is a legitimate chance between you two, but the same old behaviors and routines between you and her will resurface, and shes going to be like "Damn, I want something new. I had something new. Wmast, I'm going after something new, wait for me". And you wait for her. Youre heart and energy is with her. STOP THIS! you gave her all power and you have none yourself! This gives you zero attractivity points. So it's not a catch 22. If you stick with her shenannigans, you lose. You lose, bro. She doesn't respect what you're doing for her because this is spineless behavior! Women don't go for this. If you leave her completely, you may feel lost, but you win. You look more attractive to her (but don't be fooled or rushed to give her what she wants, YOU HAVE TRULY MOVED ON) You HAVE to get your power back.

 

 

I'm telling you, guy, this is the only advice you need. Theres no rationalizing with her. Theres no playing the NC card if you're going to be doing it so you can tell her how much she hurt you and how you're willing to get back into it with her once more, when she calls (because she will!) If you feel like talking to her, you do it because you're telling her, "I care for you, but theres no chance, babe". Any other approach you take, leaves you open to another 8 months of hurt and distrust. Don't do this. If things between you and her were meant to be, be realistic, tell yourself that maybe in a couple of years we can give it a shot, if the circumstances are right. This will help you only if you genuinely move on in your life and don't actually hold on to hopes you'll get back together, just the possibility. Think about it.

 

You are out the door. You need to be gone. Any work you put into this is in vain, you've seen it first hand. Not only that, it is how it goes down. GET OUT OF THERE!!! Learn how to get your single life back together, and you'll see how much you can grow on your own and be happier with the next person. Then, you can look back on this situation and say "wow! I can't believe how I allowed myself to be tortured". You'll realize that there was never anywhere close to 50% security in the relationship working after the official break-up. And there never will be. Good luck, man. And please heed these words: You're not doing anything to help your cause, and you're just torturing yourself further. Stop it.

 

 

No pitch, but I got info on sites you can visit. Once you find out that what you're going through is not unique, you're eyes will open wide! You'll kick yourself in the ass for ever giving her the chance to take full control of the ship.

 

If you don't take this advice, don't expect that reposting this story in 2 months is going to give you answers that'll produce a different outcome. Do not bother. Next time you post, your nuts better be on the table. It better show some progression and power development on your part.

[wmast]

Thanks for all of the replies!

 

BobrigoSanchez, I understand exactly what you're saying and I appreciate all the advice you've provided.

 

Now a few questions for you

1.) Say she comes back in a week or two and says "ok, I'm ready to commit 100%". Do I just say, "Thanks but no thanks"?

 

2.) I don't plan on calling her EVER but if she does call me I will respond. How do I stay aloof when she's saying things like, "I love you and only you"??

 

3.) I honestly want this girl back and I realize that to get her back I have to get myself back. I have to now take hold of the situation but I feel as if I'm only fooling myself into thinking I don't want her when I do! I've heard over and over that the person who cares the LEAST about the relationship has the MOST control. I realize that she cares the least so that's why she has most of the control. But how can you stop CARING about someone you love? I actually care about her, her well being, her future, etc... It's just so hard for me to not care since we've been inseparable for almost 9 years! She's like a family member!

 

Thanks for all the insight you've provided and any further help you can provide would be greatly appreciated

[WiseOne1]

If she does call, tell her thanks but no thanks. Bassically it makes you look valuable, she has to work to get back with you.

 

I agree 100% with BobrigoSanchez, the best you can do is go the opposite direction, its true that it makes the dumpee feel like there showing there ex the wrong sign like "he doesn't really want me" but in reality it shows something greater, that he's confident, and she will chase you.

[D-Lish]

1.) Say she comes back in a week or two and says "ok, I'm ready to commit 100%". Do I just say, "Thanks but no thanks"?

 

Yes. You have to. That is step one. Be firm, say "not this time" and walk away- go into NC.

 

2.) I don't plan on calling her EVER but if she does call me I will respond. How do I stay aloof when she's saying things like, "I love you and only you"??

 

That is part of the problem- she knows you will respond, it's predictable behaviour... she EXPECTS this of you. As I said previously- you need to start doing the opposite of what hasn't been working for you in the past.

 

Your feelings won't change- but your behaviour must. She doesn't get to come back on her terms this time.

 

She has ZERO respect for you, really, none at all. You must change this, and the ONLY way you can do this is to finally take a stand with this woman. She needs to hear the words NO WAY from you. The you need to follow through with ignoring her completely.

 

 

3.) I honestly want this girl back and I realize that to get her back I have to get myself back. I have to now take hold of the situation but I feel as if I'm only fooling myself into thinking I don't want her when I do! I've heard over and over that the person who cares the LEAST about the relationship has the MOST control. I realize that she cares the least so that's why she has most of the control. But how can you stop CARING about someone you love? I actually care about her, her well being, her future, etc... It's just so hard for me to not care since we've been inseparable for almost 9 years! She's like a family member!

 

It's more than caring- you love her.

 

It's important for you to respect yourself first before others will.

Letting her back into your life time and time again, letting her get away with this poor behaviour, being ridiculously available to her... Those are the changes that must be made.

 

Keep thinking- The Opposite, do the opposite of what hasn't worked for you in the past.

 

Yes, if and when she calls- you tell her firmly, "No, not this time".

Then you stick to that. Imagine the shock she will feel at actually experiencing for once that she is going to lose you. You have to let her sit and stew with that feeling for a while.

[wmast]

Yes. You have to. That is step one. Be firm, say "not this time" and walk away- go into NC.

 

 

 

That is part of the problem- she knows you will respond, it's predictable behaviour... she EXPECTS this of you. As I said previously- you need to start doing the opposite of what hasn't been working for you in the past.

 

Your feelings won't change- but your behaviour must. She doesn't get to come back on her terms this time.

 

She has ZERO respect for you, really, none at all. You must change this, and the ONLY way you can do this is to finally take a stand with this woman. She needs to hear the words NO WAY from you. The you need to follow through with ignoring her completely.

 

 

 

 

It's more than caring- you love her.

 

It's important for you to respect yourself first before others will.

Letting her back into your life time and time again, letting her get away with this poor behaviour, being ridiculously available to her... Those are the changes that must be made.

 

Keep thinking- The Opposite, do the opposite of what hasn't worked for you in the past.

 

Yes, if and when she calls- you tell her firmly, "No, not this time".

Then you stick to that. Imagine the shock she will feel at actually experiencing for once that she is going to lose you. You have to let her sit and stew with that feeling for a while.

 

Thanks for the advice. See the thing is last time I told her "I'm done with this endless cycle". I was serious too! But I guess not serious enough. She then said she was going to show me a change, show me something different, show me how much she loved me and how much she wanted this to work with all of her heart. And that's when she broke up with that guy and started acting like she wanted a relationship again. We talked everything through and decided to work it out. And now she pulls the same thing! Maybe I just need to say "I've given this TOO many chances" and walk away for good. And part of me wants to do that, seriously. But then again I really want her. I see that doing the OPPOSITE does work! It got her to break up with the other guy because she realized I was moving on but then when I does the "acting opposite" stop??

 

I kinda feel like it SHOULDN'T be this hard. Either you want me or you don't! I've said that to her 100xs before and she says, "I do want you, you have no idea how much I want you... but there's some 'imaginary force' holding me back".

I don't get it. I wish she just told me she didn't want me, that way it would be clear cut... But this stupid limbo is killing me. Now I realize that I allow myself to stay in limbo, but I really love the girl. But maybe this should be one of those cases where I say she obviously doesn't love me enough and I don't need that kind of person in my life. I don't know what else to think.

It's like I'm dealing with TWO people... one who is super apologetic for her behavior and wants to do everything to fix it and then one person who doesn;t care whether we're together or not.

 

I've seriously considered "mental issues" in her case... lol sometimes it feels like I have mental health issues

[D-Lish]

I wish it was that simple where being in love is concerned.

 

The unknown force that is holding her back? Has she ever had therapy?

 

You're right about being in limbo. It's also true that you can choose to leave it.

 

I guess at some point you have to ask yourself if this will ever change. My bet is that if she doesn't address her issues she will continue to cycle like this for the rest of her life.

 

She has expectations that you will wait for her. That's not fair to you.

 

You know that call is going to come from her- what do you think you will do?

[wmast]

I wish it was that simple where being in love is concerned.

 

The unknown force that is holding her back? Has she ever had therapy?

 

You're right about being in limbo. It's also true that you can choose to leave it.

 

I guess at some point you have to ask yourself if this will ever change. My bet is that if she doesn't address her issues she will continue to cycle like this for the rest of her life.

 

She has expectations that you will wait for her. That's not fair to you.

 

You know that call is going to come from her- what do you think you will do?

 

 

I'm actually surprised she hasn't called me thus far. I'm thinking she's actually trying to work out her issues like she said OR she's trying to work things out with the other guy. If she's dealing with that other guy in any way, shape or form that would be the ultimate disrespect to me and I'd be done with her. I guess when she calls I'll ask her to address her issues and maybe see a therapist. She's talked about wanting to go see a counselor before for mental issues she "may" have but when I suggest she goes she'd always bring up money. I've told her time and time again that I'd pay for her to go- she'd always thank me for the gesture and change the subject...

Such a tough situation. I don't know whether this is someone who truly needs (my) help or if she's just playing on my weakness for her.

[D-Lish]

Wow, I just scrolled back to your original post and re-read that there was a phone call from that guy over the holidays.

 

Does a part of you think she is fraternizing with him again? It doesn't seem like a coincidence that the call came and she started distancing.

 

I hope it isn't the case- but she's proven untrustworthy before.

I'd surely be done with her if she has even started talking to him again.

 

Would you hear through those same mutual friends if she were talking to him? That would be low of her to do that to you again.

[wmast]

Wow, I just scrolled back to your original post and re-read that there was a phone call from that guy over the holidays.

 

Does a part of you think she is fraternizing with him again? It doesn't seem like a coincidence that the call came and she started distancing.

 

I hope it isn't the case- but she's proven untrustworthy before.

I'd surely be done with her if she has even started talking to him again.

 

Would you hear through those same mutual friends if she were talking to him? That would be low of her to do that to you again.

 

Those mutual friends are actually friends of hers and his. I don't know them at all. The only way I can tell if she's been in contact with him is if he posted anything "promising" on his Myspace. So far there is nothing but I kinda feel stalkerish... I really could care less about that guy and what he does, I just want to make sure I'm not being played. In my heart, yes, I think she's been in contact with him but I have absolutely no way of telling unless she tells me (or if he posted something on his Myspace referencing reconciliation).

 

I had the same feeling when she broke up with me, (I guess you can kinda sense these things) and she said there was no one and she needed "alone time". But truth be told there was someone else (him).

 

I find it rather stupid of me 8 months later to be rehashing these same feelings over and over again. I should have given up a looooong time ago. But I forced myself to keep the light switch on for her in case she came back. She did come back (many times) but also left (many times). It has come to the point where it has become extremely unhealthy.

 

My plan is this:

When she calls, I will let her do the talking. I won't ask, "well are you calling because you know what you want?", or anything like that. My last word with her was for her to call when she knew what she wanted for her life and for her & I.

 

-If she doesn't bring up the relationship or anything and just talks about everyday things I will simply suggest therapy for her and leave it at that and move on.

 

-If she does say that she's made up her mind and she doesn't want me, I'll still suggest therapy for her and leave it at that and move on. (lol, if that happens I'd probably need some therapy too).

 

-If she calls me and says that she has realized (again) that she wants me, needs me, loves me, blah blah blah like all those other time before, I'll sternly say no and suggest that she go to therapy and maybe after her issues are resolved that maybe her and I can go to counseling together and then maybe after all of that we can see where it takes us. I think this is a reasonable request and if she really wants me she'd surely follow through with it all. If she makes no effort then the proof will be in the pudding and I'll walk away head high knowing I really, really, really gave my blood, sweat, and tears (many many tears).

 

Sound good? Anything I should do differently?

Thanks!!!

[D-Lish]

The first thing I would suggest when she calls is let it go to voicemail. Listen to her message... and don't return the call for a couple days.

 

I agree she does need therapy. She was seeing that guy and she would still come see you when she felt like it?

 

The whole push-pull thing must be killing you... it's an awful way to live.

[wmast]

The first thing I would suggest when she calls is let it go to voicemail. Listen to her message... and don't return the call for a couple days.

 

I agree she does need therapy. She was seeing that guy and she would still come see you when she felt like it?

 

The whole push-pull thing must be killing you... it's an awful way to live.

 

Actually, when she was with him the 1st 2 months she was totally into him and wanted nothing to do with me other than 'knowing that I was fine'. Then after a full 2 months of NC she came back but she never left him (always saying she would, to give her time, or that it was too hard to just leave someone who has done nothing wrong to her). We hung out maybe 5 times during that whole period... And there was never anything other than a hello/ goodbye hug. It hurt like crazy to be so platonic (especially when she said she wanted to be with me) but in a way I'm happy it never went any further because that would be her cheating on the other guy (and if she'd shown herself to be a cheater then I know she'd cheat on me). Althogh she was probably talking to him before she left me anyway which I'd constitue as cheating... (I guess that's another story).

 

It wasn't until she left him that we were back into the "kissing, laying together, snuggling mode". We discussed sex once but she said that she wanted to take things slow as not to rush back into our old relationship. Idk whether to take that as a good or bad thing.

 

Anyhow, I like the vm idea better. That gives me time to process the message that she leaves (if she even leaves one), and it gives me time to get my emotions in order.

Thanks D-Lish!

[seibert253]

She's held you as her pawn for two long. She hasn't respected you thusfar, so when do you think she's going to start? She'll continue to repeat this behavior, if not with you, with her next guy. She will never truly be happy, because she doesn't seem to know happiness is right before her. As hard as it is, it's time to move on. You deserve better.

[D-Lish]

If you listen to the VM you can also come and post here first! It does help to process things before returning the call.

 

I don't know, something has to change here.

This can't be making you a happy person.

 

I couldn't imagine being her friend while she was dating someone else.

That must have been so painful.

 

I hope regardless of whether you guys get back together or not- that something gets sorted sonner rather than later.

[BackonTrack2]

I feel for you, I really do, but here is what you don't understand.

 

 

the person you knew and loved for all those past years, doesn't love you.

the relationship you had that lasted for 3 years, is now gone.

 

you are broken up with your EX and she is stringing you along, using you for sex and emotional support. She is having sex with SOMEONE ELSE now and she likes it.

You are not the primary guy, you are no longer the boyfriend.

 

 

That female has changed her attitude towards you, you now just an annoyance. She is busying ****ing the new guy, your the past.

Its over for you, it doesn't matter what you thought, it was all lies.

Your bond is now broken, your love is being given away to her NEW GUY.

 

Its OVER, you had a good run, its time now to recover, grow as person, and fully refleclt on the relationship, where it went wrong, how it could be better then as time passes, use that information for your new relationship.

 

Your EX, is busy now, ****ing the new guy, she doesn't remember you, she doesn't love you.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is what you've stated, obviously never contact her again and that's it. Write her off as lost, and keep living life.

 

Good Luck to You

[patje72]

I know it's very hard, but you really have to move on. I have been in the same position. You probably think you have lost the love of your life and there will never be anyone like her. But trust me, there will be!

[upsetnhurt]

wmast,

 

Be truthful to yourself; no matter what she says or does from this point on, you will never be able to trust her completely (100%), thus your chances of having a successful, happy life with her is zero. Not to say any of this is your fault as you have reacted to her as someone would who is in love with them, yet it will be you fault if you waste anymore time with this woman at all from this point on. Life is way too short and you never know what is going to happen tommorrow, thus live it to its fullest and find happiness with someone who is willing to make you a priority in your life. What is it that attracts you to this woman after all the crap you have been through? What is it that you are looking for in a partner? I am willing to bet the answers to those questions don't match one another and you simply don't want to let go of her for the fear of being completely single and having to find someone else to love. Trust me....that fear is so worth it, as when you do find someone who will share their love with you, you will look back at this time in your life and laugh and think to yourself that poor girl lost a great guy. (not that you lost a great girl)

[missy555]

Goodness... you know what gets me the most out of your situation

is that it is so difficult to find a guys who are so dedicated and loving

and understanding as you.

 

And now this girl will most likely leave you jaded.

I agree with most responses that you need to have a

bit more self worth and from my experience

if its meant to be... it will be... maybe not now...

or maybe the world is trying to tell you

that there is someone else out there for you...who

would probably go to ends of the world for you (as you would too)

 

I was with someone for 10 years and they left me the moment we got married.

 

And looking back...it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

 

I wish you luck...and please seek some counseling (they won't ever get tired of listening) but more importantly it will help you remain honest to who you are, which is a loving, understanding, compassionate being.

 

Don't let her break that from you.

[DayDreamer75]

you should stay away from her and focus on yourself. Don't take her back as soon as she comes back. Don't agree to meet her needs any more if she's back until you know for yourself that you can't handle it and be OK with whether she stays or goes.

 

Honestly, I think that if you just stay strong for several months, you will no longer want her. You say that you're madly in love with her. And I understand this, but no one is worth so much pain.

 

It can't honestly be the love of your life someone who treats you like this and makes you go through all this. Think about it. Try to live day by day and focus on thinking of what YOU WANT and what YOU NEED instead of thinking of her