In love with my best friend

[mmnnbb]

I'm sure my story is not different from so many others (with the exception of details), but I need the advice right now.

 

I've been close with my best friend for about 2 years now, during my Junior year in college we lived together in our fraternity house. At first I thought he was awkward, weird and annoying, but the summer before our senior we were at school together (I was taking summer school, he was working) and we became absolutely inseparable. All was well and good, I was so happy, I had a friendship unlike that I've ever had before. But...

 

Then I started feeling things. Things that I really didn't want to feel. I'm not sure when it happened exactly, but at some point during the first few weeks of the second semester of our senior year, I realized I was full blown in love with this guy.

 

Now as friends we definitely act gayer than most, for example, we would be watching TV and I would put my head on his shoulder, or he would put his head on mine and I would kiss his hair, or he would put his head in my lap (wow writing that out I realize it's REALLY gay). Basically if you as a random stranger had seen us you would think we were a couple.

 

Well things went on for a while, it hurt to hear him talk about girls (he had just broken up with his girlfriend the semester before), and hear him go out with girls, I think subconciously dissuaded him a few times, but he's one of those guys that loves to be in a serious relationship, and he within a few months he found someone new. This was really hard to me, I realized I needed to talk to him.

 

So I did. We spent 3 hours one night, and I told him I had "feelings" for him. It was 4 am. by the time we stopped talking we were so exhaused we just both just passed out (in our own beds). The next day I was dizzy, the entire day was a blur. I was afraid of my own apartment because I knew he would be there (not sure if i mentioned it before we lived together). For the next month or so we didn't talk. I just couldn't face the reality of what I've just done. This effectively ruined our friendship.

 

Well we graduated and we went through a period of talking/no talking. I no longer felt any romantic feelings so much because I had found a reason to hate him (the details of this issue would be too much right now so i'll keep it short). But I was still miserable. I'm not sure about you guys, but my best friend is irreplaceable in my life. I've never found someoen who complements me who understands me as much as him. So I decided to try to fix it...fast forward to now.

 

We're getting closer and closer and things are starting to seem like they were so long ago. But along with this comes these feelings. I don't know how to get rid of them. I want to do things that a "straight" guy shouldn't want to do, and it's not something I can deal with. I can't even look for other people (guys or girls) because I'm still in love with this guy and I don't want to even think about being with anyone else.

 

Just to clarify a few things, I've been told I'm somewhere between "pretty attractive to very attractive." Ever since 8th grade I've never had a problem with the opposite sex. I'm telling you this not to sound arrogant, but just to let you know that it's not out of desperation (believe me I have no desire to prove myself to strangers). As for him, he's a decent looking guy, but for me there is no physical attraction, it's purely emotional. He's just so freaking amazing. Also, in terms of sexuality, everyone thinks I'm straight (except him) and I plan to keep it that way at least til I'm financially self-dependent (Med school is a longgggg road) I'm also not entirely sure where I stand on that. I've also had sex/ a relationship with women (never with men) and enjoyed it, but to be honest this is the first time I've been in love. And madly in love I have fallen. Songs have taken on a whole new meaning. I'm not a guy who cries, but I've cried about this more times than I want to count.

 

As a student of medicine I know this is not healthy for me. Long term stress increases cortisol concentrations in the body which can shorten life, increase the rate of aging, hurt the heart, reduce the immune system etc. But I don't know what to do. Part of this post is for catharsis, but part of it is looking for advice. I can't lose my best friend, he's one of the most dedicated amazing people in my life. How could I leave that? But everytime I hear him talk about his girlfriend I get jealous. Right now i think just one night and I'll have had what all those girls have had, and it'll be OK. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm miserable with him and miserable without him.

 

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Yea I know have a lot of issues , but things like my issue on sexuality can't change (due to parental/outside/personal factors) If you have any ideas let me know.

[twoscoops]

the one thing that really struck me about your post - that you are not physically attracted, only emotionally. Just my experience, but you need that physical attraction... sorry.

[mmnnbb]

Hey thanks for replying (and reading that book of text). I probably should have written that more eloquently. What I meant to say was, when I look at him from a purely physical standpoint (like looks) I don't say, "Wow, he's so hot." But looking at him as a whole person I'm definitely sexually attracted to him.

 

I hope that made more sense.