RecordProducer Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Remember all the bad stuff. Seriously. I've always been the kind of person who doesn't hold grudges and easily forgives. I forgive because I find an excuse for my friends, partners, strangers... They are just jealous or dumb or disadvantaged or insecure or didn't mean it, etc. My first husband left me when our kids were two years old and I had a really, really difficult time. I started with "Oh, it's such a shame that two people who are so meant to be together split up..." and ended up thinking that the divorce was the best thing that happened to me. The thing is, at one point, I started remembering the bad things and then I figured: I didn't want to live with him again because he made me miserable, but I just wanted to date him or whatever. And this was the pivotal point: when you admit to yourself that this person is not right for you. Then the heart starts listening to your mind. But you have to genuinely mean it. My second husband and I have huge problems and we've been separating for the entire length of our marriage. Recently, I was really crushed and then I started recalling all the bad stuff and extracting it from my feelings for him. I was telling myself honestly that I loved him, but he was really not the right guy for me because of this and that. Well, guess what: one day I just woke up and felt much better. Moreover, when he starts piquing on me, I recognize the feeling and immediately tell myself why this marriage never worked. Because we were never right for each other. Now the main part. We tend to question ourselves a lot as to whether we could do something or if we were the bad guy. Knowing that we can only change ourselves, we start persuading ourselves that WE were the bad guy and if we change, things will become perfect. But they won't, because we and our estranged partners have fundamental, destructive differences that are inborn and will never be surmounted. And if things were good, they would've been good. It really takes "education" to understand these things. That education comes from being introspective. Be honest with yourself and about what you want. If your partner were to come back tonight and stay forever with you under one condition - that everything is always his/her way - would you accept it? Let me tell you, maybe you think you would, but two days later, you'd feel trapped and scammed. You have to be who you are. And who you are didn't work with who they are. It's so much easier to move on than to live in a crappy relationship. I know there's always things like money, no place to go, kids, no education, and whatever. But a free, non-abused, self-loving person can move mountains. In a crappy relationship, you can do nothing but drown in misery. Just pick up yourself and tell yourself that this breakup/divorce IS the best for you. After my first divorce I suffered for a couple years, but this time I am hoping to suffer for no more than a few months. (And my third divorce will be a few days only! ) Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Hey, I thought you were staying in this one Your perspective makes a lot of sense to me; the hardest part for me is becoming someone I don't like to be to get through the process. "Getting over" is easy. That's done. I just don't have the experience in becoming self-involved and insensitive. Sarcastic, OTOH, I do well MC did help with achieving a balance of generosity and respecting my own boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Are you getting a divorce RP? I agree that reconciling with the reality that someone isn't right for you helps immensely. I've learned how to do that in the past few years. I employed this with the dude I recently broke up with. I suffered some for a few weeks- then met with him last weekend. When I was out with him, I just saw who he really was and started thinking about why it could never work with him, an epiphany if you will. Today- a week later... I just feel indifferent. That's because I have spent the last week focusing on why it wouldn't have worked. I replace any notion of contrived happiness with the reality of future misery. Funny thing is- when you become indifferent, they become intrigued, lol. It probably also has a lot to do with having made it past pain in the past. Once you know you can handle pain and get over it- it's easier to embrace it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RecordProducer Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 Hey, I thought you were staying in this one Oh, I see. Well, he asked me to kove ut. Not that he means it seriously, but I think we should end the misery, even though we love one another. With me you never know; if you haven't heard from me in three days, count on any possibility in my marriage! Your perspective makes a lot of sense to me; the hardest part for me is becoming someone I don't like to be to get through the process. I can't be non-authentic no matter what. And I want to keep it that way. "Getting over" is easy. That's done. I just don't have the experience in becoming self-involved and insensitive. Sarcastic, OTOH, I do well MC did help with achieving a balance of generosity and respecting my own boundaries.I don't know exactly what you're talking about, but I do know you've been over your wife for a while, so this thread is not for you really - it's for those whp need to get over. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 You know how someone you know in passing treats you badly and you can just disconnect them and have nothing further to do with them? You have no intertwined stuff, friends, family so it's quick and relatively easy. With a spouse, it's the switch from thinking of their welfare first to not caring about their welfare at all. For someone with my emotional makeup, that's very hard to do. It would be the same with any bonded relationship I have. It's likely why some women (and some men) stay in bad marriages longer than they should, even if they're not "in love" anymore. So, for me, it's not so much "getting over" my spouse, it's getting over how I've treated her all these years. Maybe the next time will be easier Link to post Share on other sites
Just_dealin_with_it Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I agree totally with Record Producer. Face the reality of the situation. It's over, there are reasons why it did not work and you know it. Focusing on those reasons is important because it gives you the confidence and reassurance you need to accept the ending of the relationship. It's all to easy to doubt yourself, question the ending of the relationship, miss your ex, and ultimately be miserable. I think it's not a bad idea to try and view the relationship as an experience, not as a loss or failure. Thoughts of loss or failure just lead down the road of self-doubt and neediness. You end up feeling responsible for why the relationship ended when we all know its a two way street. To view it as an experience allows you to take the positives from the relationship and grow from them. Rather than dwelling on mistakes you think you made or things you could have done differently, try to understand why you made the choices you made in certain situations, and decide if you would want to make those same choices when presented with similar situations in new relationships. Like RP says... just be honest with yourself about the relationship and whether or not you truly believe your ex was "right" for you Link to post Share on other sites
Author RecordProducer Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 You know how someone you know in passing treats you badly and you can just disconnect them and have nothing further to do with them? Yes, I do know. So, for me, it's not so much "getting over" my spouse, it's getting over how I've treated her all these years. How did you treat her all these years? Please tell me. I am not here to judge you, I am here to learn. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I treated (and still treat) her like my dad treated my mom. It sucks growing up in a loving home, sometimes... The good news is I'm slowly moving forward (not a bad thing with three homes in this down real estate market) and setting firm boundaries, giving what we both learned in MC over the last year plenty of time to take root. Essentially, a 4 year long life-altering event intruded on our young marriage and I'm not going to piss it away until I'm confident I've done everything I can. I know my mom, if she were sane, would respect that. That's my last gift to her before she dies. I know that doesn't make sense, but there ya go Link to post Share on other sites
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