pookielou Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I'll give you a quick summary of events. I met my boyfriend two years ago, and after a fanstatic and exciting courtship we decided to move in together. For a while there I was so completley in love with him, and believed him to be 'the one'. I'd been in relationships in the past, but this one seemed so perfect. He is the most amazing person I've ever met - intelligent, loyal, handsome, strong, compassionate and someone who will never fail to be there for me. I've been close friends with a man who I met at my work, before I entered into my relationship. There was never any sexual tension or untowardness between us, until lately for some reason I can't keep my mind off him. So much so, that he confessed to me that he's had passionate feelings for me for quite some time now. I'll cut the story short: we ended up in bed together for one night, promising to never let it happen again. Now, my issue is that I don't feel like I'm in love with my boyfriend anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love him - but the feelings of wanting him just aren't there no matter what I try to do. To make it worse, I can't stop thinking about the other guy now. It's consuming me entirely. I know he still has the same feelings for me, but is refusing to show them. Unless he simply doesn't care anymore. I'm trying with all my might to forget the other man, and concentrate on improving my relationship, but we all work together within five meters of each other. So everyday I have to go to work and see the other guy, which it making it impossible to get over him. I'm not going to fool myself into believing that if I left my boyfriend, I'd be happier with the other one, but I have nagging thoughts telling me to leave, because let's face it, I shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone after what I've done. And if the feelings are gone, is there any point into hanging onto it? I suppose I'm after some help with these questions:- How can I get over this other man? And should I continue being in my current relationship? How can I tell if the other guy is still interested in me? Your assistance would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
atwitsend Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Truth Alert! You should definitely break up with your boyfriend. You can't be trusted to stay faithful. And it is totally unfair to him. I would wager that you are a serial cheater (you cheated in past relationships as well). Of course you feel that you are not in love with your boyfriend anymore. You messed around with the other guy, bonded to him and now he apparently wants nothing to do with you. Why should he her you're a cheater, there is no future in that. I imagine that when he looks at your boyfriend he thinks "what a sucker, she made a cuckold of him and he has no idea. Someone should tell the poor guy". An added bonus to your infidelity, is that you have now have held this wonderful guy up to ridicule and most likely a joke behind his back Your description of your boyfriend was: intelligent, loyal, handsome, strong, compassionate and someone who will never fail to be there for me. So instead of going to this apparently awesome guy you loved (ha). You cheated with a scumbag who doesn't want to know you anymore. Let's see what your options are. You could do what you should have done with your boyfriend before you betrayed him and confess (of course crushing him and sending him into an emotional tailspin). This would be the adult and honorable thing to do for such a great guy. Or you could dump him and give him the false assumption that there is something wrong with him. And leave him questioning what happened to your love. Figure which one of the choices is the worst one for him and do that. What I have written here is obviously harsh. But as usual I only wrote it. You actually did it. Link to post Share on other sites
mr.dream merchant Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I'll give you a quick summary of events. I met my boyfriend two years ago, and after a fanstatic and exciting courtship we decided to move in together. For a while there I was so completley in love with him, and believed him to be 'the one'. I'd been in relationships in the past, but this one seemed so perfect. He is the most amazing person I've ever met - intelligent, loyal, handsome, strong, compassionate and someone who will never fail to be there for me. I've been close friends with a man who I met at my work, before I entered into my relationship. There was never any sexual tension or untowardness between us, until lately for some reason I can't keep my mind off him. So much so, that he confessed to me that he's had passionate feelings for me for quite some time now. I'll cut the story short: we ended up in bed together for one night, promising to never let it happen again. Now, my issue is that I don't feel like I'm in love with my boyfriend anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love him - but the feelings of wanting him just aren't there no matter what I try to do. To make it worse, I can't stop thinking about the other guy now. It's consuming me entirely. I know he still has the same feelings for me, but is refusing to show them. Unless he simply doesn't care anymore. I'm trying with all my might to forget the other man, and concentrate on improving my relationship, but we all work together within five meters of each other. So everyday I have to go to work and see the other guy, which it making it impossible to get over him. I'm not going to fool myself into believing that if I left my boyfriend, I'd be happier with the other one, but I have nagging thoughts telling me to leave, because let's face it, I shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone after what I've done. And if the feelings are gone, is there any point into hanging onto it? I suppose I'm after some help with these questions:- How can I get over this other man? And should I continue being in my current relationship? How can I tell if the other guy is still interested in me? Your assistance would be greatly appreciated. A couple of quick questions before I decide to offer any assistance. Did the other man know that you were in a serious/exclusive relationship? Is your boyfriend still that amazing guy that you've described here? Has anything changed in your relationship that led you to seek additional affection from the other man? If the answer to my first question is yes then I'd advice you not to continue having any sort of feelings for the other man. Most men who are after a taken woman usually don't see her for much. Assuming that you'd toss him the goods while being in a relationship speaks volumes of what he thinks of you. If his attitude towards you has greatly changed being that he shows little to no interest in you, it could be that your just another piece of ass conquered in his book but I doubt that since you're close friends with him. Maybe he doesn't want things to get too serious between the two of you. Even though he's a close friend its possible that he wants to be Friends With Benefits with you. As far as your current relationship I think you already know the answer to your question about it. Don't keep your BF in the dark because its only going to slowly destroy your relationship with him. You really can't have both of these guys if your BF wants an exclusive relationship. It's prolly best you tell him what happened and see how he reacts but just expect the worst because your actions aren't taken lightly by many, men especially. Link to post Share on other sites
undecide Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 My opinion is that you should get out of your current relationship before you hurt your BF anymore. He may be amazing, but you can't try to keep him for yourself if you are finding other men more exciting. Try and pretend it was him doing this to you, would you think to continue the relationship even though he had these types of feelings about other women? Perhaps your relationship has run its course, it was wonderful, but now it isn't giving you everything you need anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
atwitsend Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 dream merchant, she can't have the other guy. At least thats what her post leads us to believe. I am sure this guy thinks, "if she cheated with me when she was his girlfriend. And I make her my girlfriend. I will then have a cheater for a girlfriend. Can you see this any other way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pookielou Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 Truth Alert! You should definitely break up with your boyfriend. You can't be trusted to stay faithful. And it is totally unfair to him. I would wager that you are a serial cheater (you cheated in past relationships as well). Of course you feel that you are not in love with your boyfriend anymore. You messed around with the other guy, bonded to him and now he apparently wants nothing to do with you. Why should he her you're a cheater, there is no future in that. I imagine that when he looks at your boyfriend he thinks "what a sucker, she made a cuckold of him and he has no idea. Someone should tell the poor guy". An added bonus to your infidelity, is that you have now have held this wonderful guy up to ridicule and most likely a joke behind his back Your description of your boyfriend was: intelligent, loyal, handsome, strong, compassionate and someone who will never fail to be there for me. So instead of going to this apparently awesome guy you loved (ha). You cheated with a scumbag who doesn't want to know you anymore. Let's see what your options are. You could do what you should have done with your boyfriend before you betrayed him and confess (of course crushing him and sending him into an emotional tailspin). This would be the adult and honorable thing to do for such a great guy. Or you could dump him and give him the false assumption that there is something wrong with him. And leave him questioning what happened to your love. Figure which one of the choices is the worst one for him and do that. What I have written here is obviously harsh. But as usual I only wrote it. You actually did it. I can understand why you would have such a low opinion of me, but let me clarify a few things. Firstly, I've never cheated on anyone before. This is the first time I've ever so much as kissed another person whilst being with someone else. So your assumption that I am a "serial cheater" is completely unfounded. The relationship with the other guy has reverted back to being a close friendship again, and I know that he isn't laughing at me behind my back, or adding me as another notch in his belt. I'm not encouraging anything with him, or leading him on in any way. It certainly wasn't just another random nocturnal hook-up in the dark, and there is still that 'spark' there, which I am careful to ignore. This post wasn't about me bragging, or trying to repent for what I've done, it was genuinely a question about what I can do about the situation. So please, enough with the guilt trip - most of the things you've stated above I already realise, it's just a question of seeking advice without the ridicule. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pookielou Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 A couple of quick questions before I decide to offer any assistance. Did the other man know that you were in a serious/exclusive relationship? Is your boyfriend still that amazing guy that you've described here? Has anything changed in your relationship that led you to seek additional affection from the other man? If the answer to my first question is yes then I'd advice you not to continue having any sort of feelings for the other man. Most men who are after a taken woman usually don't see her for much. Assuming that you'd toss him the goods while being in a relationship speaks volumes of what he thinks of you. If his attitude towards you has greatly changed being that he shows little to no interest in you, it could be that your just another piece of ass conquered in his book but I doubt that since you're close friends with him. Maybe he doesn't want things to get too serious between the two of you. Even though he's a close friend its possible that he wants to be Friends With Benefits with you. As far as your current relationship I think you already know the answer to your question about it. Don't keep your BF in the dark because its only going to slowly destroy your relationship with him. You really can't have both of these guys if your BF wants an exclusive relationship. It's prolly best you tell him what happened and see how he reacts but just expect the worst because your actions aren't taken lightly by many, men especially. Thanks for your advice. Yes, the other guy knew I was in a relationship with my BF when it all happened. This is what makes it tricky to try and get over it, because I see him every day at work as well as socially. We'd been friends for a long time, and until recently I didn't know that he had feelings for me. It was one of those things where we should have been honest with each other when we first met, instead of allowing everything snowballing into what it's turned into now. His attitude hasn't changed all that much, and I know that he wants it to be more than just a fling, not a sexually based relationship - as I stated in a previous reply, it wasn't just another one nighter. I can understand how this would eat me up inside enough for it to destroy my current relationship, and my theory is, is that if I'm having these sorts of feelings for another person, then in no way should I be in a relationship with anyone. Nothing too overt changed in my relationship, though I had noticed that there was a decline about 8 months ago in our communication, sex life, and just in general - once we'd kill someone to spend time together, now we almost live our lives like housemates. Work together, live together, drive together, eat together, sleep together. I was considering moving to another area of my company, so that we wouldn't be seeing each other constantly and maybe this would reinvigorate the spark that we once had. But maybe, what I did was a manifestation of my brain telling me that it's over, and time to move on and let my BF find someone who he truly deserves. Just not sure if I should stay, and try to reignite my relationship, or if I should break it off and try and find happiness by myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pookielou Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 My opinion is that you should get out of your current relationship before you hurt your BF anymore. He may be amazing, but you can't try to keep him for yourself if you are finding other men more exciting. Try and pretend it was him doing this to you, would you think to continue the relationship even though he had these types of feelings about other women? Perhaps your relationship has run its course, it was wonderful, but now it isn't giving you everything you need anymore. You're advice sort of hits home. I'm leaning towards breaking it off - and 'freeing' him so to speak, even though it will be devastating. Not that I can talk, though. If you asked me a year ago what I'd do if he were having feelings for another woman, my answer would be that I would be totally inconsolable. Now though, I'd probably just shrug it off and move on. This is why everything is so confusing =( Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 I'll give you a quick summary of events. I met my boyfriend two years ago, and after a fanstatic and exciting courtship we decided to move in together. For a while there I was so completley in love with him, and believed him to be 'the one'. I'd been in relationships in the past, but this one seemed so perfect. He is the most amazing person I've ever met - intelligent, loyal, handsome, strong, compassionate and someone who will never fail to be there for me. I've been close friends with a man who I met at my work, before I entered into my relationship. There was never any sexual tension or untowardness between us, until lately for some reason I can't keep my mind off him. So much so, that he confessed to me that he's had passionate feelings for me for quite some time now. I'll cut the story short: we ended up in bed together for one night, promising to never let it happen again. Now, my issue is that I don't feel like I'm in love with my boyfriend anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love him - but the feelings of wanting him just aren't there no matter what I try to do. To make it worse, I can't stop thinking about the other guy now. It's consuming me entirely. I know he still has the same feelings for me, but is refusing to show them. Unless he simply doesn't care anymore. I'm trying with all my might to forget the other man, and concentrate on improving my relationship, but we all work together within five meters of each other. So everyday I have to go to work and see the other guy, which it making it impossible to get over him. I'm not going to fool myself into believing that if I left my boyfriend, I'd be happier with the other one, but I have nagging thoughts telling me to leave, because let's face it, I shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone after what I've done. And if the feelings are gone, is there any point into hanging onto it? I suppose I'm after some help with these questions:- How can I get over this other man? And should I continue being in my current relationship? How can I tell if the other guy is still interested in me? Your assistance would be greatly appreciated. Your boyfriend probably already knows. You've probably shown him signs of disinterest and he's probably cued in and done what he has to. Link to post Share on other sites
atwitsend Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Call what I wrote a gauge to see if there was actual contrition for what you have done. I don't see it. And I did not say that he was laughing at you. I said he was laughing at the great boyfriend you have. And I will withdraw the serial cheating comment with apologies. I speak about contrition because it has everything to do with the advice I give. You see in your response you wrote: The relationship with the other guy has reverted back to being a close friendship again, and I know that he isn't laughing at me behind my back, or adding me as another notch in his belt. I'm not encouraging anything with him, or leading him on in any way. It certainly wasn't just another random nocturnal hook-up in the dark, and there is still that 'spark' there, which I am careful to ignore. Basically it is you justifying what you did as more then mere infidelity. It was between friends. You don't talk about how your boyfriend would feel knowing what you did. You don't poor your heart out by identifying with the pain you will cause him when/if he finds out. You may call what I wrote a "guilt trip" but it was to see what you were actually feeling. To see if you used this forum as some others do as a cathartic experience. And it has everything to do with my advice. Based on your response, you are more looking to see what the "work around" is. I don't do "work arounds". Had you given a sense of humbleness over the situation, instead of spending more time telling us how good and desirable you are to your long time friend. I would have told you to sit down and write your boyfriend a letter to read to him. Telling him how much you love him and how incredibly sorry you are for betraying that love. About how you would do anything to restore the relationship and redeem yourself in his eyes...And probably about a dozen other suggestion. But, dosen't it sound silly saying this stuff if you don't really feel it? I still don't know if you even love your boyfriend. I wish I did have some advice to give you. I guess the only advice that fits is for you to try to figure out if you do love him. And then decide on telling him or not. If you decide to tell him and you want help composing a letter I will be happy to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Leave your bf and try to understand what you really are to the OM. I know you want to believe he is your friend but he isn't. He was just trying to get some and you gave it to him. He would do it again. Girls always think guys are their friends when we aren't. Just because he was nice to you does not mean he cares about what happens to you. I can guarantee he has bragged to at least one person. I know you are gonna think I am mean or angry but this is how it really is. Link to post Share on other sites
Aquamarisa Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 So clearly, a lot of people on this forum have personal issues with cheating in their past or current relationships. As a matter of fact, I was cheated on before also; however, it doesn't define how I think about all relationships or all people who have or are cheating. Let's be clear: cheating is always wrong. There aren't any justifications or excuses for it. But such behavior does not define a person's character or make them a less worthy person or even necessarily a less worthy partner. People make mistakes. Those who have cheated did so because they had their own personal issues with themselves or in their relationships, not because they are bad people. And yes, the person who has been hurt is often left to deal with the consequences of their bf/gf's actions. That is a really sad fact but it is a risk of being in a relationship and opening up to someone you care about. No one, no matter how principled, can claim to know that they will never wrong someone in any specific manner. Until the situation has been presented to you and you have lived through it, will you really know what you are capable of. To the OP here, you know that you have done something very wrong and very hurtful, to both your boyfriend and yourself. From your posts, it seems like you are really not happy with your relationship and I would advise you to leave or make some fundamental changes in your relationship. Knowing little about your relationship, I can't offer much constructive advice but I would say that if you do decide to stay with him, it would be best to tell him what happened. I can't imagine that you could keep such a secret without going crazy from guilt. If you decide to leave, I think you should use your judgment about what to tell your boyfriend. You know what kind of person he is and while most of the posters here say it is best to tell, I think that it depends on the people involved. Some people really would prefer not to know and others want full disclosure. If you are leaving him anyway, I don't think it really matters that much. Either way, make sure he knows it isn't his fault. Cheating really hurts a person's self-esteem and you should make it clear that he isn't to blame. As for the other man involved here, it's hard to say what he is thinking about the situation. I don't think it matters as I agree with you that it is too soon to begin a new relationship. After you end your current relationship (assuming that you do), I would tell the other guy that you aren't ready and then do your best to make peace with the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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