nycamper Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I'll try to keep this short. My wife and I have been going through some turmoil the last few years. She says she is not sure if she is "in love" with me anymore. I have been complaining to her that I fell like we are disconnected. She agrees, we went to counseling who offered the advice "get back to basics, do date nights, spend simple time together when you can, find what drew you to each other in the first place etc..........." After awhile of working on "us" I realized that I was the only one who would make an effort to say, plan a dinner, plan a night out at a comedy club, make plans to go to a concert, offer to take a Sunday drive to the east end of LI hitting the antique stores like we did when we were newlyweds etc.... I started to really pressure her asking her why she does not take a proactive role in working on our relationship. She had no answer. She says she has a hard time finding happiness in anything anymore. (Sidenote: She has been on several anti-depressants since her mother died eight years ago.) I started getting so depressed and angry about her giving so little to this effort I told her I was going to leave for awhile and see if maybe she can find herself while I was gone. She said that she should be the one to go as she is house sitting a neighbors house down the road and could probably stay there making it easy for us to be apart a bit. I agreed. This was a week ago. So after a day or so she is calling me every day and I don't want to push her away so I am talking to her via text and phone, seems like she might be missing me and the kids so I tell her if she wants to come home, I miss her and if she is committed to making a try at repairing what is broke I am all for it. She says the best she can say is the thinks she is ready to work on this. Ok, not the best answer but it seemed like she was going in the right direction. Last night she tells me her therapist thinks she is not ready to come home yet. Says she wants to see a marriage counselor but does not want to move back yet. To me this is very mixed signals. There is no adultery, no abuse or anything like that so what purpose is there to be apart and how are we to work on our relationship if we don't live together. I think she is not really sure if she wants to work on the relationship but is scared of taking a hard stance. So here is the question. Do I tell her that unless she is completely committed to working on this I will not be part of it or do I just go with the flow. This has been very emotional for me and I might be better off pushing away a bit to see if she "comes around" or not. What are we supposed to do make believe we are dating again??? We have been married for 17 years have two kids ages 15 and 13. This undecisiveness is not fair to them either. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Your wife is obviously confused and trying to make sense of what is happening and how she feels. This will be exasperated by her history of depression. However she is seeing a therapist and seems to want to work on rebuilding your marriage. If you want this too then don't push her into moving back in with you yet but start MC together. This will help you both figure out whether you want to stay together and how to fix the problems you have. Whilst doing this, it might be worth going on "dates" together - it might feel more like a proper date because of not living under the same roof. It will allow you to spend time together to enjoy each other's company and not discussing these problems. Take it slowly - after all, if you end up back together after all this, it will be worth the wait. Link to post Share on other sites
atwitsend Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 My camper. My wife has been on anti depressants for 20 years (prozac then efixor). This does decrease her desire for sex. She has to work harder, and it is paying off. I would suggest before you do anything. Ask her doctor if she can ween off of them. Unless she is manic/depressive. 8 years should be a long enough grieving process (how were things before?). I agree with the counselor at this point. If you don't feel adultery is a threat (would only screw things up worse), let her stay alone and figure out if she does love you. Or is just taking the least path of resistance. There is no rush, right. Other then being a guy who likes to fix something and/or move on. Link to post Share on other sites
FlyingToaster Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I agree with anne1707. She's missing you right now because the separation is still new and she doesn't have near the distractions from her thoughts. Go to MC. For now, if you air out any grievances you'll be able to go to separate abodes to ponder what the other one said. Your problems didn't happen overnight, so the solution won't come that way either. This time away from each other will help both of you. As for the kids, ask the MC for advice as to how to explain this to them. They're old enough to know that people have conflicts and issues that can't always be worked out without a 3rd party. Make sure that when talking to your children that you and your wife don't point fingers, etc. Hang in there. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I agree with the others. If you take a hard stance on this then you're going to cause her to react out of fear rather then a geniunine desire to work with you to rebuld the marriage. And ultimatums just do not work in a marriage (which is basically what you would be issuing). Along with what the others suggested, I would also nudge your wife towards spending time with her friends and family, to spend more time on hobbies and interests she has (or did have in the past). Encourage her to grow, and be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nycamper Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 Thanks for the input. I have been wondering if the extended use of the anti-depressants could be part of the problem. Before her mother passed away and she was on the meds I believe we were much more on the same page. As for her spending time on hobbies and with friends etc... She has been doing that. In fact she started school a year and a half ago to become a massage therapist and I have been supportive of that, she made new friends on the block by becoming involved with the local civic association and she actually spends quite a bit of time with those people. She does not work outside the home so she has plenty of time to handle the school and civic association. Actually, I had recently started to give her some static about the amount of time she spends with the civic association people and more importantly to me that she never seemed to include me in that circle. I understand we all need our own friends but we are a family first, no? Don't get me wrong I am not the "I want my dinner at the table when I get home" type, I am not overly demanding. In fact after therapy many years ago I learned as the counselor said "sometimes it is better to be happy than right". I accept her pretty much the way she is with all her good and bad qualities but I expect that if we are to stay married we need to find out how to reconnect and find joy in each other more. I also understand that her being alone gives her time to deal with her thoughts without the stress of taking care of the house and the minute to minute trials and tribulations of our teenage kids. The problem is those stresses and trials and tribulations ARE life. I worry that without trying to work on our relationship within the true family dynamic that any progress we make on our relationship might go right out the window when she comes back home and has to deal with those stresses also. As I said I am very confused. I know you all are right at the fact that pushing her to come home when she is not ready would be counterproductive, I guess I was looking for someone to tell me it would be better for her to be living with me while we were working on our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 As I said I am very confused. I know you all are right at the fact that pushing her to come home when she is not ready would be counterproductive, I guess I was looking for someone to tell me it would be better for her to be living with me while we were working on our relationship. If you both agree to work on this, then in time it would be fair and reasonable to expect her to move back home whilst still working on the problems you have. I think in your wife's current confused state, pushing her to do this may have a detrimental effect. She must both want and be ready to come home. Try and spend some time together as you did when dating/first married. Remind yourselves why you fell in love and chose to be with each other. However the marriage counselling is also essential for you both to really figure out what you want and how to achieve that. Link to post Share on other sites
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