Frustrated with a friend!

[PandorasBox]

I put this in marriage because it has to do with a friend of mine's marriage.

 

A good friend of mine, and her husband have been seperated now for about 3 months, not legally. The whole situation is just not good, of course nothing about being seperated is I don't guess.

 

I love her and have been there for her through all of this. I have recently become frustrated with her though. I understand its HER marriage, but its like going in one ear and out the other. Have I give unwanted advice? Nope I was asked for it, not only by her but by her husband as well.

 

Twice now she has taken him back, because he begged her to only for him to say a few days later he didn't know if he could do this or wanted to work things out, and he will leave again. She has told me many times she wanted to work things out but then again she didn't. He lies and cheats. She said she didn't know if she could live with a person she was always wondering about.

 

I was home a few days ago and receive a call from her husband...he wants to know If I'll come over their house he wanted to talk to me. I decided to go but called her at work to let her know he was at the house and he had called me over.

 

He proceeds to spill his guts to me about how he has done her and his family. How sorry he is for it all. Is willing to work things out with his wife if she is willing as well. He asked MY opinon, and that was, if I thought he had a chance with her and was it worth it to tell her again, he wanted tow work things out. He asked for it so I gave it to him. I told him I thought he needed counseling as they both did if they wanted it to work. I told him I didn't know for sure if she wanted to work things out that I thought she was still confused on things. I told him if he wanted to work thigns out he had to be 100% committed and had to drop the OW all together. NO phone calls, visits, emails, texts, blah! He said he had already done that. I also told him he was goign to have to stop with all the lies and that no matter what he seemed to tell others he was NOT believeable because of all the lies he tells. He said he would. He says he knows what he did was wrong and wouldn't do it again. then proceeds to tell me if they stayed seperated and he found out she was seeing someone he would snap the guy's neck into. Sounds like a real winner there!

 

He calls his wife at work, and asks her to come straight home he wnats to talk to her and that I was there as well.

 

She comes home, I hug her and tell her I am here for her. He tells her how he feels and asks her if he had another chance with her and the marriage. She tells him NO, she can't hurt andymore, she wants to move on, she was tired of his lies etc. He tells her he wants to take her somewhere this weekend just the two of them to talk, get away from things etc. She tells him no, it was over. She is crying, he begins to cry, then I begin to cry. I feel bad for them both its not a pretty thing to see, but I was aksed to be there, I guess as a friend and because I knew what all had been going on, and as a possilbe sounding board for them both.He walks out the door, doesn't seem mad, just upset, tells her he loves her and always will. I stay a bit longer to make sure she is ok, and I give her a big hug and ask her if she really did want to take him back, she says no time has passed now and she saw the light finally.

 

Here it is two days later, and I get a phone call and she leaves me a message saying she is goign away with him for the weekend after all. I don't know if she called him and said ok, or if he convinced her to go. I told her it was her life and marraige and to do what she felt she needed to do. I have been here for her, cried with her, gave her advice when she asked, she had me convinced she was ready to move on etc. So here it is the third time, she has taken him back I guess you could say. I also found out that when i was over at the house the other day talkign to him, he went back and told a family memeber of their something that I said that was NOT true! This makes maybe the 3-4th time he has either twisted something I have said or lied about it!

 

I told my friend about him lying, and I told her I was done! I would be here for her, loved her but if she wanted to continue to try to make things work with someone that kept lied to go right ahead! Her family is disappointed. I didn't say they wouldn't be there for her or help her throught things, I'm just saying they are disappointed she keeps taking back someone who proves they are not trust worthy and lies.

 

I don't get why she feels the need to keep taking back or trying to work things out with someone that is lying. the way I see it, if he can lie about fmaily and friends, then more than likely he is still lying to her. Even though he was crying the other night when i was over there, It didn't not feel genuine to me! His words did not seem that way and even she told me the same thing but yet she is giving him another chance.

 

Why would someone keep doing this? And why would somene continue to lie about things?

 

Sorry this got long!

[blair08]

It's highly possible that your friend loves her Husband and wants so bad to believe he will stop lying etc. and maybe that is why she keeps taking him back.

 

Change is possible, but of course only if he really wants it. I'm sure she is very confused and this has probably been a very confusing time for all involved. Are their kids involved as well?

 

If your friend or even you for that matter doesn't feel he is genuine in his words/actions then he's probably not. Does he have a long history of telling lies and doing things he shouldn't? Hard to say WHY people keep taking others back they know they probably shouldn't. I'm sure there is a list of reasons.

 

I can understand your frustration and her family's frustration as well. No one likes to see a family member of friend make a wrong decison, but sometimes it happens and they have to learn the hard way. Sometimes they never learn. Its good you are continuing to be there for her though.

 

Hopefully when she returns from her weekend get away with him she will let you know moe about her choice and how things are going. As far as him telling lies or telling others things you didn't say. I would confront him and let him know you don't appreciate it at all. I have this strange feeling though, it might not matter to him.

[Ronni_W]

This makes maybe the 3-4th time he has either twisted something I have said or lied about it!

If that is not your proof that you ought not to have any more one-on-one conversations with him, I really can't imagine what will convince you. It is perfectly okay for you to set your own boundaries. You can, or don't have to, tell him WHY you won't be making yourself vulnerable to his crap in the future.

 

Insofar as the rest of it, your friend and her hubby have been confusing you with a relationship counselor. And you are exhausting yourself trying to "be there for them" in that capacity.

Again, it is perfectly acceptable for you to tell her what your boundaries are, and that you expect her to respect them.

 

As a friend, you are not obligated to repeatedly listen to the same "stuck record", nor to repeatedly offer the same advice that gets repeatedly ignored. You could say something like,

"Friend, we've already done this 89 times, and I obviously have not been able to offer you anything really useful for your situation. For your own well-being, it seems you will be better served to get others' opinions. And an individual therapist will be able to give you a clear and unbiased view of what's going on, what needs to happen, and how to make it happen. As your friend, that is what I am suggesting and that is all I'm gonna be suggesting from now on. I am good for going to a movie, or dinner, or something that'll bring something happy into your life...please do use me for that."

 

It is okay for you to take care of yourself, too, and not allow others' challenging times to exhaust and deplete you. That won't make you a "bad" friend. Not at all.

 

Hugs and good luck.

[PandorasBox]

blair- Yes he does have a history of telling lies. Big lies, little lies, exaggerated things etc. I don't know for sure if this is something she has always really known, and just put up with it, or if he really had her completely snowed on certain things. My guess is maybe a little of both. Yes, they have kids.

 

Ronni- You're right, and I take some blame for this. I did allow myself to be used I guess. I wanted to help, and thought it was ok they talked to me and asked for advice etc. As far as him telling lies 3 or 4 times about things I didn't say, this last time I spoke with him was the indepth conversation, so the other times were not long conversations they were thingss said while around other people at picnics, family things etc, where I later on found out were twisted by him. But I get what you're saying.

 

You're also right in the fact that I have exhausted myself with the whole thing. Once again, that would be my fault. I invested alot of time and energy into their situation as a good friend, and kind of felt like I got sh*tted on in a way. I do now know my boundaries with the whole thing. When I spoke with her on the phone yesterday, I told her how I felt about all of it, and what I woud no longer do etc. She said she understood.

 

She did say he was NOT moving back in and wanted to take things slow with her and the relationship. He also said he would go to counseling. I hope so, because when it was suggested to him many times before by others, he would say, "It wasn't his thing." He is like the little boy that cried wolf, and to me that is sad, no one knows when to believe him or not. Personally I couldn't live that way with someone who did that, but maybe some can, who knows.

 

So why do you think he feels the need to lie or twist things around? He doesn't do this with just me, but others as well. I do think part of it is what he was taught. He didn't grow up the best home environment, but he could change it if he wanted would be my guess.

[Ronni_W]

So why do you think he feels the need to lie or twist things around?

To me, that is for HIM to find out with an individual therapist.

 

In general, people act in ways that they feel will protect them from some real or perceived threat, or that will advance their personal goals/desires. Whether it is that he is busy 'protecting' his self-image, or it is that he (inaccurately) believes that he has to diminish others in order for him to feel confident, or whatever.

 

I would suggest for you not to give your 'mind energy' to his emotional issues, though...that is usually a futile, depleting and exhausting exercise.

[Zolar]

OP,

 

I'm not trying to be hurtful, I'm somewhat curious because I've had to get rid of two "friends" recently for their lack of understanding and "helpfulness." It just go to where it was so upsetting to me that it was making me physically ill (and I'm already not well).

 

In both cases, I wondered if these women were harboring some lesbian feelings for me - I'm a magnet for lesbians for some reason. And, they seemed to hate my husband, always have negative things to say about him, etc. We have some problems, but we are deeply in love. Nothing and no one will keep me from him, regardless of whatever idiotic thing he does. If you are not in love or have never been in love with a person like that, then it's probably hard to understand.

 

Are you sure you don't have any lesbian feelings for your friend? You hug her and tell her that you love her. It sounds like you want her to leave her husband. If she keeps leaving and going back, it's because she can't leave. And, probably she can't leave because she is in love with him.

 

You sound very much like my two "friends" who finall were just driving me bonkers. One of them got hateful with me because she doesn't understand the many horrible things that have happened to both of us over the last few months (we were victims of a crime, lost a baby, I nearly died, he was falsely arrested swat-team style at his work over a business license (I know it sounds incredible, but, I'm not making that up- it's Houston, TX - they don't think they are part of the USA) and we are still in litigation over a case that you would think could not exist in The Age or Reason) meanwhile my life is not what I want it to be - it has gone out of control. These two friends started taking all of that personally. I was deathly, deathly ill still over Thanksgiving and this one "friend" (who is an R.N. no less, so she should have some idea) got very hateful with me because I wasn't where I thought she should be. Yeah, like I arranged all of these disasters in our life to inconvenience HER. I decided these "friends" were parasites - they kept saying how much they wanted to help me while they just made so much misery for me. I believed for a long time that they were friends who just didn't get it, but now I think they were enemies all along - jealous control freaks!

 

You sound just like one of those people. Maybe you need to reassess your motives. Why do you care so much about your friend's marriage???

[PandorasBox]

OP,

 

I'm not trying to be hurtful, I'm somewhat curious because I've had to get rid of two "friends" recently for their lack of understanding and "helpfulness." It just go to where it was so upsetting to me that it was making me physically ill (and I'm already not well).

 

In both cases, I wondered if these women were harboring some lesbian feelings for me - I'm a magnet for lesbians for some reason. And, they seemed to hate my husband, always have negative things to say about him, etc. We have some problems, but we are deeply in love. Nothing and no one will keep me from him, regardless of whatever idiotic thing he does. If you are not in love or have never been in love with a person like that, then it's probably hard to understand.

 

Are you sure you don't have any lesbian feelings for your friend? You hug her and tell her that you love her. It sounds like you want her to leave her husband. If she keeps leaving and going back, it's because she can't leave. And, probably she can't leave because she is in love with him.

 

You sound very much like my two "friends" who finall were just driving me bonkers. One of them got hateful with me because she doesn't understand the many horrible things that have happened to both of us over the last few months (we were victims of a crime, lost a baby, I nearly died, he was falsely arrested swat-team style at his work over a business license (I know it sounds incredible, but, I'm not making that up- it's Houston, TX - they don't think they are part of the USA) and we are still in litigation over a case that you would think could not exist in The Age or Reason) meanwhile my life is not what I want it to be - it has gone out of control. These two friends started taking all of that personally. I was deathly, deathly ill still over Thanksgiving and this one "friend" (who is an R.N. no less, so she should have some idea) got very hateful with me because I wasn't where I thought she should be. Yeah, like I arranged all of these disasters in our life to inconvenience HER. I decided these "friends" were parasites - they kept saying how much they wanted to help me while they just made so much misery for me. I believed for a long time that they were friends who just didn't get it, but now I think they were enemies all along - jealous control freaks!

 

You sound just like one of those people. Maybe you need to reassess your motives. Why do you care so much about your friend's marriage???

 

I can not grasp any of this, sorry.

 

 

That is not how my friendship is with her nor any other female friends. I seriously hope that I can be friends with a female and have concerns for her as a friend and for her well being etc, without me being a lesbian. Just because I was there for her and concerned doesn't mean its because I like her like that.

 

Also her other female friends and family members (male and female have the same concerns as I do. I was married before and she was there for me during my divorce, so I have been there for her as well, its really no different. I had other friends/family there for me too.

 

I'm sorry my concern for a friend and being there for her and me taking the blame for getting a little to emotionally involved made you think otherwise. I'm an emotional person in general, nothing more, nothing less. Its the way I am, very compassionate. But Ronni is right, I have to know my boundaries.

[JackJack]

My wife is like that as well, where she gets emotionally involved with her friends or family's situations, its just because she cares, wants what its best, and doesn't want to see them hurt etc, etc.

 

There are times when I'll have to tell her to take a step back and try not to get overly involved and that people sometimes have to figure things out for themselves, and if that means they fall flat on their faces, then they just do.

 

Another thing too, her friends make her feel needed and appreciated, so that just makes her feel all the more wanted and will continue to get emotionally involved more. I think you do have to know your boundaries and know when to step back and take a look at things from a different perspective.

 

As Ronni said, if your friends ask for your advice and want you to be more up in their situation its ok to say "NO" or at least know your limit on things.

[PandorasBox]

My wife is like that as well, where she gets emotionally involved with her friends or family's situations, its just because she cares, wants what its best, and doesn't want to see them hurt etc, etc.

 

There are times when I'll have to tell her to take a step back and try not to get overly involved and that people sometimes have to figure things out for themselves, and if that means they fall flat on their faces, then they just do.

 

Another thing too, her friends make her feel needed and appreciated, so that just makes her feel all the more wanted and will continue to get emotionally involved more. I think you do have to know your boundaries and know when to step back and take a look at things from a different perspective.

 

As Ronni said, if your friends ask for your advice and want you to be more up in their situation its ok to say "NO" or at least know your limit on things.

 

Thanks Jack! Yes, your wife sounds alot like how I am as well. I care, and need to learn that sometimes to care means stepping away from the situation a little.

[Ronni_W]

I decided these "friends" were parasites - ... I think they were enemies all along - jealous control freaks!

There ARE those who get overly emotionally involved for the most noble, albeit sometimes misguided, reasons.

 

And there are those whose negative mindsets cannot help but put a negative spin on the genuine caring and compassionate acts of well-meaning people.

 

I guess we each get to decide what category we fall under?

[PandorasBox]

There ARE those who get overly emotionally involved for the most noble, albeit sometimes misguided, reasons.

 

And there are those whose negative mindsets cannot help but put a negative spin on the genuine caring and compassionate acts of well-meaning people.

 

I guess we each get to decide what category we fall under?

 

I can agree with this. I can see it more from a stand point that if that " Negative friend" was the one who called all the time was all up in their business when not asked, handed out advice when it wasn't asked for etc.

 

In my case I was asked for the advice/opinons. I was the one called alot and at all hours, seeking support and understanding etc. I never put myself upon them if you will but they had asked me and I think thats where I got carried away with it. As Jack said, his wife was like that espcially when friends acted as if they needed her etc, I think thats exactly what happened in my situation. I was relied uopn by them because i was asked not becasue I chose to do so on my own.

[Ronni_W]

I better tell them its out of jealousy and people having bi tendencies.

:D

[JackJack]

You chose to get yourself involved with a married man. That's a bad decision.

 

Secondly, you chose to get yourself involved with someone that has bi tendenies. Bad decision.

 

Its time for you to woman up and chose men whom are single and straight. That might create less drama and be less exciting, but its a good start to a healthy relationship.

 

Best of luck

 

 

Dude what are you talking about? That's not even what this post is about at all.

[JackJack]

Now you see exactly what its like to mix and match stories to suit your agenda.

 

You seem very angry.

 

How did the OP mix and match anything?

 

You made lots of assumptions about things...you told her she was involved with a married man when she wasn't...you said her friend was bi when she wasn't nor was the OP, and you told her you thought she was too.....then you told her you thought she was angry because she asked you not to reply,when really it was because she came back and explained everything to you that you seemed to either make an assumption on or thought to be true.

[wuggle]

Erm , You'reAsian, have you been smoking the funny fags ? I don't understand your responses to this at all, they don't really seem to tie up with what the OP is saying.

 

OP, it does sound like the husband of your friend might have (consciously or otherwise) been using you to help get back with his wife. I agree that your friend probably does really love him and is desperately trying to believe he will change and things will get better. IMO best thing you can do is be there for your friend but avoid gettng involved between the two of them, ie don't have chats with the bloke, just your friend. Be there for her (not him) and be prepared for her to totally ignore what you advise. Let him get his own friends to help him.

[PandorasBox]

Erm , You'reAsian, have you been smoking the funny fags ? I don't understand your responses to this at all, they don't really seem to tie up with what the OP is saying.

 

OP, it does sound like the husband of your friend might have (consciously or otherwise) been using you to help get back with his wife. I agree that your friend probably does really love him and is desperately trying to believe he will change and things will get better. IMO best thing you can do is be there for your friend but avoid gettng involved between the two of them, ie don't have chats with the bloke, just your friend. Be there for her (not him) and be prepared for her to totally ignore what you advise. Let him get his own friends to help him.

 

Thank you. You're right, and have admitted and taken the blame that I allowed myself to be overly concerned.

 

He called me to come over because he wanted my opinon on wheather or not he thought he had a shot at getting back with his wife. He asked me this simply because since me and her are friends I guess he figured we all had talked and could give him a more clear picture on wheather it was worth it or not to even try. I gave him my opinon and then told him I ddn't really know what she wanted and he would have to ask her himself, which he did.

 

But you're right, I've learned my lesson on certain things with other friends situations.