, hurt, embarassed, shocked....wtf

[lovesparis]

some background since i'm not a regular poster... (sorry it's long)

 

ex (hans) and i broke up aug 2007 after dating only 6mos. we had been talking about getting married, he was my soul mate.... yadda yadda. break-up was terrible. by far the WORST break up of my life. he did the breaking up, i did the begging, pleading, etc for reconciliation. NC since dec 2007 when i called to wish him congrats on 6yrs of being clean. (yay, 1 yr+ of NC)

 

feb 2008 started dating new guy (patrick), we've been tog since (so almost a year... twice as long as ex and i)

 

i work for hans' mother.

 

hans and patrick actually look very similar to each other, and sometimes when the lights are off in the middle of the night, and patricks glasses are on the table next to the bed, he looks so much like hans, that it could be HIM in bed with me instead of patrick. i met pat online, and the pictures he had posted look NOTHING like what he did when we met.... in fact when i first saw him i almost turned and left, with no explaination b/c he looked SO MUCH like hans. decided against it, we've been mostly happy together. i do still think about hans on a mostly daily basis. dream about him etc. so much in my life reminds me of him (the fact that i eat wheat bread and natural peanut butter, the steamer that he gave me for veggies so i would stop sauteeing them in butter, my curtains that we picked out together... i could go on)

 

hans decided to "run away" from his problems (me) after our break up and moved 8hrs and a couple states away. running is his usual MO, always has been, he used to run to drugs, so moving was a much healthier alternative. a friend of mine also moved to that city, and i've been dreading visiting for fear of running into him. doubtful, but still..

 

b/c i work for his mom, i get periodic updates on what's going on with him: school, work, girlfriend. (i don't ask about him)

 

holidays just happened, so i expected him to be in town and my spidey-senses were on full-alert. nothing happened, no worries, no problems. got update from boss on status of R w/ new girl-- came home for holidays with him, very nice, going to school for something i'm interested in, etc

 

onto the real story:

 

my mothers bday was this week and patrick wanted to take us out for dinner last night. mom mentioned wanting to go to XYZ restaurant but that it was too expensive and could we go to ABC instead? pat said "if you want to go to XYZ, we'll go there. $$ doesn't matter" so after some coersion, we go to XYZ. i walk in and see hans's sister and stepdad.. then hans. then i realize the whole fam (and new gf) are there.

i tell mom and pat that he's there. pat asks if i would like to leave. i kind of did, but didn't want to a. make a scene b. ruin dinner

waitress seats us. RIGHT NEXT TO THEIR TABLE. luckily there was a curtain separating our tables but STILL....

they were out celebrating his moms bday too (which is the day before my moms)

 

i'm soooo messed up right now. i could barely eat dinner. i had to use the little girls room so badly, but didn't want to get up for fear of being mis-understood that i was actually trying to look at him/her/them. my mother suggested i ask for another table. i felt that would be drawing attn to the fact that i was bothered and if we just sat there it could be perceived as me playing it cool.

i'm over-analyzing EVERY single aspect of my behavior.. and wondering if i appeared to be wanting to overhear them OR if i appeared to be playing it cool.

 

it just proves to me that he and i ARE soulmates and that we should be celebrating our moms birthdays together, as one giant family.

 

patrick was super great. he handled everything like a champ and i'm really blessed by that. he texted me funny and inappropriate comments during dinner just to make me laugh. the way he handled it made me love him more. but i still want to cry and freak out and call hans and get back together. my feelings are obviously still there. (patrick has known since we got together that i have unresolved feelings for hans. last night he got to see just how deeply they run.) he made the comment that "it's very obvious you have unresolved feelings for him. but he has unresolved feelings for you too." me: why do you say that? "well, he's dating a girl who's studing something you are interested in/considered studying/may go back to school for. he had to move away from here, and you b/c he couldn't deal with seeing you/accidently running into you. and from what i saw of the girlfriend, she LOOKS LIKE YOU." and i said, "true. but the same could be said for you."

 

i'm just so messed up.

i need help.

i don't know what to feel... i mean, this is osmehting that only happens on TV, right? today i felt liek ti was just a dream. wait, scratch that, a nightmare. but that it wasn't REAL. and it totally was. i even checked my phone records to confirm the texts... lol.

 

i know this will be brought up at work on monday and i don't know how to handle it. what should i say? should i pretend i didn't see them at all? or acknowledge that they were there but that i didnt' feel comfortable saying hello?

HELP HELP HELP PLEASE.

 

sorry this is so long.

MODERATOR'S NOTE: The writer of the above has verified that the names used were changed and are not of the individuals involved.

[jc]

I know it's tempting to think that you and Hans are 'soulmates' because of running into each other like that...but a soulmate would not have broken up with you, moved to another state and began dating someone else. It sounds like he MAY have some unresolved feelings for you as well (dating someone who has a similar interest as you and who may look like you), but has he contacted you at all to get back together? Has he tried to stay in touch? Has he given you any indication that he regrets breaking things off?

 

The thing is, you really only know how YOU feel. You can only infer how he feels from his actions/behavior. And if his actions/behavior have not included contacting you to get back together, then you really need to look at what he is actually DOING (dating someone else for one thing). Otherwise it's so easy to get lost in your head.

 

It may be that you actually ended up having dinner beside them that night not because you are soulmates, but because you are clearly still unresolved about this past relationship and the universe found a way to bring that to the forefront for you (which is why you are kind of 'in crisis' about it now).

 

If you really want to know if he still wants to be with you, I guess the only way to find out would be to contact him and ask him straight out. If he says no, you have your answer. (A 'soulmate' wouldn't say no by the way). If he says yes, then you have a decision to make, especially since you are dating someone else who clearly cares about you deeply.

 

And as for this Patrick, you need to decide whether or not you truly want to be him or not. If you are still pining over your ex, it really isn't fair to him. How would you feel if he was still holding so many feelings for one of his ex-girlfriends. It sounds as though he really cares for you and is even willing to accept that you have some unresolved feelings for Hans. But eventually this type of thing really does destroy a relationship. How can there be trust and true love between you when one of you is still in love with someone else. So if you do decide to contact Hans, you should break things off with Patrick first. You shouldn't just keep him waiting in the wings in case Hans says no.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting, it sucks, I know. My recent break up has brought up a lot of unresolved feelings for my previous ex. It's made me realize that I still am not totally over that previous person. So love is complicated. And break ups even more so. But in the end, if you are not together, you have to somehow accept that and let go and move on.

[Ronni_W]

At work, just tell them that you had a panic attack of some sort that you're not sure where it came from but you have started to self-reflect on it. They don't need to know anything more...it is none of their business.

 

I do understand that you reacted with hurt, embarrassment and shock, and felt so uncomfortable that you could not say hello.

 

The question is, do you feel those are appropriate reactions for the actual situation in which you found yourself? What really happened is that you ran into your boss, her family, and a guy you broke up with about seventeen (17) months ago.

 

Is it that your reaction "proves" that Hans is your soul mate, or could it more be indicating that you have not properly 'grieved & healed' from that break-up?

 

In any event, given your reaction and the conclusions you arrived at based on your reaction, is it in your best interest to be involved in another relationship at this point?

[lovesparis]

jc and ronni thank you! for replying.

 

jc, a lot of what you said is correct. i don't know how he feels..

and he's so darn stubborn that even if he did want to get back together he would not make contact or admit that he was wrong. aside from that, i still have some left over stuff that caused our break up that i haven't managed, so i'm not ready to get into a relationship with him again right now, even if he wanted to.

i would NEVER contact him as long as i am in a relationship with someone (or even if i knew he was in one), and i wouldn't end the rel i'm in (now or in the future) just to go back with him. that rel would have to end naturally w/o me leaving FOR hans.

 

patrick and i have a really good relationship, however our rel isn't going to the alter, and we both know that. sometimes i think i want to change the way our rel is, so that it will have a chance at becoming that type of rel, but then he'll make it pretty clear he doesn't want that. it feels a lot to me like we're not each others "mr/ms right" we're each others "mr/ms rightnow") i definately do love him though, and we're comfortable with each other and our relationship. i think it really took me by such complete surprise the depth of my reaction... i may not have been aware of how deeply my feelings still run, since i had been thinking i was making progress in getting over him.

 

ronni, you also bring a very strong point that my reaction was indicitive of not being ready to face him. i'm the type of person who wants so badly ot present an emotionless and strong front, b/c i'm less likely to be hurt when i do that. i had run through the possibility of seeing him in my mind so many times, but never in this scenario, that it really just took me by surprise.

 

if he has moved on, and he's not my soulmate, i don't want him to see that i'm still hurting. i don't want him to know that he still welds that kind of power over me. i don't suppose i did a good job of that since i couldn't even bring myself to say hello, but at the time i thought that appearing indifferent was better than to face him with hurt (and maybe some tears) in my eyes.

[bubblegum]

I think that you weren't able to bring yourself to greet his table and say hello spoke volumes. You should've been able to do so if you were over him.

 

1.5 years is a long time to be so distressed over someone. Soulmates? That's romanticizing a bit, I think.

 

Why are you in a relationship that you know isn't going anywhere? Why accept the love of some guy who doesn't really care that you have feelings for someone in your past?

[lovesparis]

bubblegum... i don't know. i don't know at all.

[jc]

jc and ronni thank you! for replying.

 

jc, a lot of what you said is correct. i don't know how he feels..

and he's so darn stubborn that even if he did want to get back together he would not make contact or admit that he was wrong. aside from that, i still have some left over stuff that caused our break up that i haven't managed, so i'm not ready to get into a relationship with him again right now, even if he wanted to.

 

patrick and i have a really good relationship, however our rel isn't going to the alter, and we both know that. sometimes i think i want to change the way our rel is, so that it will have a chance at becoming that type of rel, but then he'll make it pretty clear he doesn't want that. it feels a lot to me like we're not each others "mr/ms right" we're each others "mr/ms rightnow") i definately do love him though, and we're comfortable with each other and our relationship. i think it really took me by such complete surprise the depth of my reaction... i may not have been aware of how deeply my feelings still run, since i had been thinking i was making progress in getting over him.

 

ronni, you also bring a very strong point that my reaction was indicitive of not being ready to face him. i'm the type of person who wants so badly ot present an emotionless and strong front, b/c i'm less likely to be hurt when i do that. i had run through the possibility of seeing him in my mind so many times, but never in this scenario, that it really just took me by surprise.

 

if he has moved on, and he's not my soulmate, i don't want him to see that i'm still hurting. i don't want him to know that he still welds that kind of power over me. i don't suppose i did a good job of that since i couldn't even bring myself to say hello, but at the time i thought that appearing indifferent was better than to face him with hurt (and maybe some tears) in my eyes.

 

 

Okay, a few things. #1: This idea that someone is so stubborn that they would not contact the other person to get back together. I've seen so many people write the exact same thing on this forum. But truthfully, if he did want to be back together, he would at least have contacted you in some way. Maybe if he's stubborn he wouldn't have said "Okay I was wrong, let's get back together", but he would have made some type of contact, even in the guise of "I'm just checking to see if you're okay". If he hasn't contacted you at all, the truth (as hurtful as it may sound - and I'm sorry!) is that he does not want to be back together. And if you really want to be sure, you know the only way is to ask him.

 

Which leads me to #2: Your feeling that if he has moved on and he's not your soulmate then you don't want him to see that you're still hurting and that he still 'wields' that type of power over you. First of all, if you are convinced that he is your soulmate, then why are you even having these thoughts of "well maybe he isn't". You either feel that he is your soulmate or you don't. Because deciding that someone is a soulmate is a huge statement. It really means something. It does not mean however "I think maybe he is my soulmate, or maybe not, I don't know".

 

And this idea that you don't want him to know that you are hurting. Why does this matter? Is your pride more important to you than love? Would he hold this against you in some manner? This is game playing. All you can really do is be honest with yourself and the other person. If you love him and you tell him and he doesn't feel the same, it doesn't matter. Again. It doesn't matter. Because you were honest and truthful and real and authentic about how you feel. You're not playing games with him or yourself. You're not waiting to see who makes the first move.

 

#3: Why would you be with someone if you know it isn't going anywhere??? It really would be better to just be on your own for a bit rather than to be with the wrong person. Pretty much what you're saying to yourself and everyone else is that you don't deserve anything better. That you'll settle for whatever you can get. If you didn't know exactly where things were going with Patrick, I could understand that. But you've stated that neither of you feel like this relationship is really going to go anywhere. So really you're just waiting for a) Patrick to leave you for someone else that he feels things might advance with or b) for you to meet someone else that you feel might advance with.

 

The right person (and there is more than one right person by the way, there are many!) is waiting for you. But you and he can't be together until you a) get over Hans and b) stop wasting your time in a relationship with the wrong person.

[Ronni_W]

i'm the type of person who wants so badly ot present an emotionless and strong front, b/c i'm less likely to be hurt when i do that.

Actually, it is just that MAYBE others won't know how much you are hurting...but the level of hurt that you actually experience will be exactly the same. Worse, when you (try to) hide your pain, you deprive yourself of the support and comfort that you otherwise could receive.

 

Your reaction was anything but "indifferent"...sometimes we don't have to shed tears for people to know that we are crying on the inside.

It takes a lot of courage to share what we might call our "vulnerable" side, but being able to do that is a valuable life skill that enhances all our relationships.

 

The good thing about your experience at the restaurant is that it has brought to light something within you that does need your kind and compassionate attention, and I'd suggest sooner than later.

 

Sending hugs and positive outcomes.

[D-Lish]

I've never wrapped my head around the notion of having a "soul mate". I think it's something fiction and Hollywood have contrived that gives us unrealistic expectations of what love is supposed to be like.

 

I've met so many people I am compatible with over the years- sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't.

 

Giving this guy that label of being your soul mate will be a barrier to all future relationships. Apparantly it's a barrier in your current relationship.

 

I think it's a good time to re-examine your life and your future. At some point there has to come a time when you reconcile with the reality that life goes on without Hans.

 

Otherwise, you choose to go on living in limbo, waiting for something that will probably never happen.

[lovesparis]

jc- i can tell you're a fan of tough love, but that's a good thing.

 

1. hans cut his family out of his life for like 10 yrs (give or take) b/c of a teenage misconception. even after his parents hunted him down in another city thanks to a fluke phone call he told them to f-off. until one day his mistake was realized and he begged forgiveness and made peace with them. it was a long road. i would have thought he had learned from that. his mom says otherwise.

 

2. i know how i feel. i know what is in my heart. but just because i feel that way doesn't mean i'm right. i allow for the fact that i may be wrong. same with religion. i believe a certain way, but i don't tell other people they are wrong for believing differently, and i allow for the possibility that my belief is not the "correct" one in the end. i believe he's my soulmate. i do. but putting myself out there to test that theory this weekend would have been inappropriate.

 

since our breakup, i've reverted back to my old dating habits. i worked really hard at letting them go, actively changing my bad behaviors, while we were dating. one of those bad behaviors was my pride. and it's back full swing. my pride is a defense to my heart. it hurts in private. so yes, at this point my pride is more important than love. love requires me to tear down that wall (mr. gorbachev) which i did when i was dating him. i was so happy for myself that i had finally found someone i wanted to expose all of me to, including the dirty laundry and skeletons in my closet.

he wouldn't hold it against me. but we're broken up, and i'm supposed to be moving on, that's what everyone is telling me. so why should i show him how hurt i still am?

 

i was as honest and truthful with him during our R and the break up as i could be. but i was lying to myself about some things.. which i wasn't willing to see or believe at that time. i've admitted to myself and to everyone else i was inadvertly being dishonest with what is the truth and have apologized for my deception. but i'm painfully embarassed about my behavior during the break up. i was manipulative. i look back on myself and my behavior and i was really really sick. and i'm ashamed of that. and maybe one day i will admit this to hans. (i admitted it to patrick this weekend)

 

3. i didn't get into a relationship for awhile after hans and i broke up. but i was desperate to move on. to get over him, even though everything in me was telling me he's my soul mate. so i started dating. i only wanted something casual. but when i met pat... something clicked. we have a ton in common and a lot of similar interests. but what we don't have in common when weighed on a pro/con list, outweighs what we do. ex: we've talked about having kids, neither of us wants them, but when discussing what would happen in an "accident" scenerio, i would want my child baptised, and he's dead set against it. along with ANY religious upbringing, where i would want to expose my child to a wide variety of religions. that's just one example. we're both content with the lacksidasical way things are going. at least that's what he says when i ask him. i have no desire to leave one relationship for another. i've done that before and it has only had bad consequences.

 

he's known about my hangup over hans from the start. when he asked me to get into a committed R with him, i told him i was hesitant to do so since i was still dealing with my last break up. after time, when i thought i had made some progress i agreed. turned out i hadn't made all that much progress afterall and revisited the issue with him. i plan to revisit the issue again next time i see him. see how he feels about continuing a R with someone who obviously is still hung up on the ex. i haven't done so yet, b/c i want time to think about it, and i want him to have the time also. i will not hold it against him if he wants out. but to my understanding, up to this point, we're just comfortable where we are.

 

thanks ronni and dlish for your compassion and your honesty.

 

****

 

today was good. boss came in and made a couple jokes about it.

 

said hans was hiding behind a menu after he saw me.... so at least neither of us was very cool. she made me feel tons better about the situation.

[jc]

It's not exactly that I'm a fan of "tough love" as you put it, I guess it's more than I know the tricks our minds and hearts can play on us when we're upset or still grieving over someone. Things like believing our ex is our soulmate. Most of the people on this forum have felt the same way at some time or other, but it still doesn't necessarily make it true! And Hans may be your soulmate, but you'll never find out the way you are going about it now.

 

I'm not really sure what else to say. Every suggestion that has been given to you, you have countered with a reason why you should not follow through with it and should just continue on exactly as you are. All I can say then is good luck!

 

I hope that you are able to resolve these feelings or the situation in some way, living in limbo like this is just too damaging and painful.

[lovesparis]

jc, a friend who was mocking me for posting on a board, told me that all i was looking for was validation of my feelings.

 

apparently she was right.

 

it's not like i haven't thought of most the suggestions made to me before, but there is a reason why i think he's my soulmate, and a reason why i haven't contacted him again. there's a reason i started dating even though i wasn't over my ex.

 

everything that was said to me has been inserted and processed (or reprocessed). sometimes it takes awhile (and multiple tries) to see exactly what is or isn't working.

 

the vast majority of everyone here does not believe that i should be in a relationship with patrick so long as i'm hung up on hans.

 

this weekend i will be discussing the future of our relationship with him. i will talk to him about how he feels being in a rel with me, after seeing how deep my feelings still are. and if he wants to stay with me, why.

 

b/c you guys are right about that. ultimately, the choice lies with him and i, so i'll make sure we're making the choice.