Sometimes I feel like I'm broken

[pandagirl]

I don't know if it's the holiday letdown, but I've been feeling kind of empty lately. I am blessed in so many ways: I have a loving family, amazing friends, a career, the kind of life that many people aspire to lead.

 

But, I'm 30-years-old and have never been properly in love or been in a serious relationship. I'm not a sad single person. I know the only reason I am not in a relationship is because of myself. People tell me I'm pretty. They tell me how great I am. I get compliments on my style and my sense of humor. People want to be around me and know me.

 

Deep down inside, I know I really would love to have a loving relationship with a special person, but at the same time I recoil at the thought of ever having to emotionally invest in anyone. I often view people in relationships as weak. Feeling dependent on anyone for emotional validation is something I resist to the nth degree. Therefore, I always end up falling for guys who mirror my own issues: emotionally unavailable/distant, insecure, fear of commitment.

 

I'm in therapy and actively trying to figure out myself, because I know I am going to want to have a LTR with the possibility of a family. But sometimes I feel so frustrated. Nothing horrible has never happened to me. I've had a history of low self-esteem and some unfortunate love experiences -- but, who hasn't?

 

Some people head into love with abandon and excitement, ready and willing to throw caution to the wind, because in the end, it's all worth it. I just don't view it like that. I think: why bother? It's much easier just being by yourself, not being affected by someone, not needing anyone.

 

I guess this isn't really a question, but just wanted to vent. Does anyone else feel like this?

[Geishawhelk]

Why do you believe the lies you tell yourself?

 

Why would you auto-sabotage?

 

What's your payoff?

 

There is a reason - a fundamental essential cause - for you to be doing this.

 

I think I can see signs of it, but I'd like to know if maybe we're on the same track.

 

tell me what you think?

[pandagirl]

Why do you believe the lies you tell yourself?

 

Why would you auto-sabotage?

 

What's your payoff?

 

There is a reason - a fundamental essential cause - for you to be doing this.

 

I think I can see signs of it, but I'd like to know if maybe we're on the same track.

 

tell me what you think?

 

My payoff? I guess it's not having to deal with being vulnerable, and thus never getting hurt.

 

I don't think I necessarily sabotage things...it's more like I just entirely AVOID dating/relationships.

 

It's hard to me to admit, because I don't necessarily feel this way about myself, but I suppose the "fundamental essential cause" is because I don't fully love myself. Or think that I'm worth being loved. Which doesn't really make sense, since that kind of stuff usually reverts back to having a dysfunctional family, which I didn't.

 

I keep everyone at arm's length in my life. EVERYONE.

[You'reasian]

Some people head into love with abandon and excitement, ready and willing to throw caution to the wind, because in the end, it's all worth it. I just don't view it like that. I think: why bother? It's much easier just being by yourself, not being affected by someone, not needing anyone.

 

I guess this isn't really a question, but just wanted to vent. Does anyone else feel like this?

 

I like the whole concept of being interdependent.

 

I agree it can be a very nice experience to fall deeply in love, throw caution in the wind and enjoy the excitement - but I know that I have responsibilities and interests outside of the relationship as well and I want my woman to understand this. I'm very straight forward about this, but she can see that when we are together - I'm all about being with her and really enjoying our time.

 

Should the two conflict, she would probably (hopefully) understand - if not, then it could be rocky.

[Geishawhelk]

Actually, I hate to say it, but (and slap me upside the head if you want) it's not that you don't love yourself -

*gulp*...

 

It's that actually, sub-consciously, you think you're too good for this.

 

THis is what blared aout at me:

 

I don't think I necessarily sabotage things...it's more like I just entirely AVOID dating/relationships.

 

but at the same time I recoil at the thought of ever having to emotionally invest in anyone.

 

I often view people in relationships as weak. Feeling dependent on anyone for emotional validation is something I resist to the nth degree.

 

I just don't view it like that. I think: why bother? It's much easier just being by yourself, not being affected by someone, not needing anyone.

 

Whichever way you look at it, your Ego is stepping in and interfering.

Why let something so perfect be tainted by the ups and downs, and vagarities of being in Love with someone?

 

You don't trust anyone to love you enough.

 

I really do not mean any offence here. Truly, I'm not aiming to be rude or insulting......

 

But is there anything there which might be accurate?

[pandagirl]

Actually, I hate to say it, but (and slap me upside the head if you want) it's not that you don't love yourself -

*gulp*...

 

It's that actually, sub-consciously, you think you're too good for this.

 

THis is what blared aout at me:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whichever way you look at it, your Ego is stepping in and interfering.

Why let something so perfect be tainted by the ups and downs, and vagarities of being in Love with someone?

 

You don't trust anyone to love you enough.

 

I really do not mean any offence here. Truly, I'm not aiming to be rude or insulting......

 

But is there anything there which might be accurate?

 

haha. Totally not offended!

 

I think on a superficial level, that yes I "think I am too good" for relationships. But, that is just my hard exterior talking. A mode of self-defense. Also, I absolutely do not think I'm perfect -- not at all! In fact, up until I was in my mid-twenties, I was very depressed because I had such a horrible image of myself.

 

The truth is, I am a super softie inside. I care almost too much about people, but I don't want people to care about me. Doesn't really make sense, does it?

[Geishawhelk]

No.

 

And -

 

Yes.

 

it's complicated, but I think you are so afraid of pain - either because you don't deserve it, or because you really don't even want to risk it - that it's far safer to deny yourself the possibility of happiness.

 

You've cocooned yourself away, and if you don't have to love, you don't have to cry.

 

or maybe cause someone else to cry because they don't come up to your expectations of what a lover should be, and what depth of love they could go to.

 

Oh heck, I'm just yabbin' atcha.....

[Trialbyfire]

I keep everyone at arm's length in my life. EVERYONE.

pandagirl, I've noticed this. Not to offend but I sometimes wonder if you really understand yourself. In not delving deep into your own emotions, avoiding it, to an extent, it's difficult to really understand your own motivations or what drives you.

[pandagirl]

pandagirl, I've noticed this. Not to offend but I sometimes wonder if you really understand yourself. In not delving deep into your own emotions, avoiding it, to an extent, it's difficult to really understand your own motivations or what drives you.

 

I understand myself very well in certain aspects, certain situations and with certain emotions. Like, I really understand myself in terms of what makes me happy in my career. I know what I respect and what I don't respect. I know what is important to me in terms of values and morals. I've always had a very strong sense of self.

 

But, it's on an emotional basis is where it gets all fuzzy. I am highly introspective and think a lot about things, but once I start *feeling* things on another level -- say love and relationships -- and I begin to feel vulnerable, I get uncomfortable and shut off or go into some panic mode.

 

I've never said "i love you" to anyone. Even when my parents or best friends say it to me (friend who have known me since I was 8), I can't say it back. I clam up.

 

I'm that person that people love to come to with their problems, because I really do like helping and listening. However, I am never the person who can openly and honestly talk to others with *my* feelings.

 

I think I may seem contradictory on this board sometimes, because you're right: I don't understand myself sometimes. I do things that I regret, or I don't want to seem weak and vulnerable so I act in the extreme opposite to compensate.

[gopher]

Panda, you aren't the only one...I've done that myself and gone the other way of being too open. I've found a balance now, thankfully.

 

But in your case, I am wondering if you had to do that in the past to be "safe", maybe you grew up in a dysfunctional family or were picked on as a kid, so as a result you protected yourself the only way you knew how, by withdrawing...But now, you don't need that defense anymore, but you haven't weaned yourself from it. Just my two cents.

[Trialbyfire]

panda, I'm glad you're going to IC to learn a little more about yourself. Good luck!

[pandagirl]

Panda, you aren't the only one...I've done that myself and gone the other way of being too open. I've found a balance now, thankfully.

 

But in your case, I am wondering if you had to do that in the past to be "safe", maybe you grew up in a dysfunctional family or were picked on as a kid, so as a result you protected yourself the only way you knew how, by withdrawing...But now, you don't need that defense anymore, but you haven't weaned yourself from it. Just my two cents.

 

Yes, I learned to withdrawal from other people, as a way to cope and deal with things, not because of my family, but because of low self-esteem, feeling like I didn't feel in, people didn't understand me, etc.

 

This is the only way I've ever been, so finding a way to break free of it seems impossible. Little cracks here and there, that only lead me back to building my wall up higher.

[Geishawhelk]

Well, given that you say you had a relatively trouble-free upbringing - what triggered it?

 

Finding the source, is the key......

[pandagirl]

Well, given that you say you had a relatively trouble-free upbringing - what triggered it?

 

Finding the source, is the key......

 

Well, this sounds quite superficial and silly, but growing up, I was always aware that I was not pretty. I was a huge tomboy and a little chubby, and when it got to the age where that kind of stuff matters (12-ish), I didn't know how to deal. From adolescence throughout college, I felt deformed, even though I clearly wasn't. Boys didn't like me, I never had boyfriends (even though boys probably did like me, I just wasn't aware).

 

From that came depression, I withdrew from being social, while all my other girlfriends had boyfriends and did normal teenage/college-aged things, like going to parties and meeting new people. Instead, I would just hole up in my room and listen to music and feel bad about myself. I have zero confidence about myself in terms of my sexuality and desirability towards the opposite sex. However, no one would probably have ever guessed this about me, because I appear very happy from an outside perspective.

 

Now, there's a lot more to it, but these are the bricks that built the house.

[dannydrifter]

I'll go out with you. Send me a PM.

[pandagirl]

Getting a date isn't the problem or the solution!

 

But, thanks for the offer.

[Geishawhelk]

Well, this sounds quite superficial and silly, but growing up, I was always aware that I was not pretty. I was a huge tomboy and a little chubby, and when it got to the age where that kind of stuff matters (12-ish), I didn't know how to deal. From adolescence throughout college, I felt deformed, even though I clearly wasn't. Boys didn't like me, I never had boyfriends (even though boys probably did like me, I just wasn't aware).

 

From that came depression, I withdrew from being social, while all my other girlfriends had boyfriends and did normal teenage/college-aged things, like going to parties and meeting new people. Instead, I would just hole up in my room and listen to music and feel bad about myself. I have zero confidence about myself in terms of my sexuality and desirability towards the opposite sex. However, no one would probably have ever guessed this about me, because I appear very happy from an outside perspective.

 

Now, there's a lot more to it, but these are the bricks that built the house.

 

Ok, well, not the same story at all, but I personally can relate completely where you're coming from.

I am very petite, and look younger than I am. Good job now, wonderful benefits, but when you're 17, and you look 10, (seriously!) this can make everything seem totally shi*t*e.

 

I don't want to make this about me, because (1) it's not about me, and (2) I am so over this, it's not a problem. But, let me give you a few examples.

 

I started in a secondary school, aged 11, and was mercilessly bullied for the first year by a girl who took a plain and simple dislike to me because I was younger, and new. That's it.

 

Then, end of the 1st year, my parents took me out of that school, and put me into a Convent boarding school for girls, miles from home. There I am, in 2nd year, and I have no 'group' to fit into, because all the little clique-y friendship gangs are already established. So, in order to try to make myself more popular, I lied a lot. I exaggerated things, tried to make myself look better, and also acted like a doormat to the older girls.

Yes, I know. Dumb. But when you're a 12-year old away from home, surrounded by sadistic nuns, whaddya do....?

 

Worst 5 years of my life.

 

Again, I moved schools when I was seventeen, and entered a school at 6th form level. (we're UK here, so I don't know the US equivalent.... whatever....) I was still very much a protected and sheltered girl, and had never been rebellious or misbehaved.... So I was also probably emotionally stunted and immature.

No idea if 6th formers had to wear uniform or not, but I get to the school, and I'm wearing something that LOOKS like uniform (just in case) but isn't. I turn up at the 6th form common room. (where the 6th formers hang out and enjoy a coffee break. Older girls' privilege.)

I knock. I ask to speak to the head girl.

She comes to the door. Tall, leggy and blonde.

I ask where my class-room is.

She bends down (yes, that's how short I am) and in the kind of voice you use for a 6-year old asks,

"Oh, sweetie, are you lost....? Who's your form teacher, do you know?"

I give her the name.

"No dearie, that's a 6th form teacher. She may be your year tutor carer, but I mean your class teacher."

No, I say, she's my form teacher. My name is.... and I'm the new 6th form girl.

 

The look on her face was a picture. She went scarlet and didn't know where to put herself.

So she gives me terse directions and closes the door.

I go home that evening and vow never to wear those darned clothes again, because they make me look 10.

The next day, a teacher nearly gives me detention, because I turn up at school in ordinary clothes, instead of uniform. Once I explain I can do that, because I'm in the 6th form, she hurries off embarassed.

 

On my 18th birthday, I take a 4 or 5 girlfriends from 6th form, to the local bar for a celebratory drink. Bear in mind that actually, I'm the eldest in the group, and the only one (according to UK law) allowed to drink alcohol.

The barman lets all of them in, but stops me going in, because I'm under-age.

We all protest. He refuses to listen.

I can see his point. I'm 4' 3" and can't see over the bar.....

 

I don't find a boyfriend until I'm 21. And even then, I look 14.

 

I could go on adding anecdotes, but you get the gist....

 

So to say I had a 'stunted growth' is an understatment. :laugh:

 

It's hilarious now. I can look back and laugh.

But at the time, it was hell.

 

If you believe you'r worthless, if you believe you can't love, don't deserve love, or cannot be loved, then this is what you will always get.

 

All you need to do is absorb, understand, believe and realise that you are a wonderful, loveable, generous, sweert-nature human being who deserves just as much as anyone else does - because you do.

The past is done with.

Don't let the past govern your present.

It's useless.

It doesn't rule or govern you.

YOU rule and govern you.

The more we lean on the past for justification, the less we look to the present for fulfilment.

Things happened. but they're over.

Linking behaviour to something we can't go back and alter in any way, is counter-productive to our progress and development now.

Your inner child is still the 12-year old little chubby tomboy.

Well, thank her very much for having tried to protect you all these years, but she can go now.

You're a big girl and you can manage it on your own from now on, so scram.

 

And let yourself grow.

[dannydrifter]

Geez Geishawhelk, you sure do talk a lot!

[amaysngrace]

Geez Geishawhelk, you sure do talk a lot!

 

Yeah but I bet panda can relate more to what she's saying than she can from someone who just wants to get into her pants.

 

If you believe you're worthless, if you believe you can't love, don't deserve love, or cannot be loved, then this is what you will always get.

 

All you need to do is absorb, understand, believe and realise that you are a wonderful, loveable, generous, sweert-nature human being who deserves just as much as anyone else does - because you do.

The past is done with.

Don't let the past govern your present.

It's useless.

It doesn't rule or govern you.

YOU rule and govern you.

The more we lean on the past for justification, the less we look to the present for fulfilment.

Things happened. but they're over.

Linking behaviour to something we can't go back and alter in any way, is counter-productive to our progress and development now.

Your inner child is still the 12-year old little chubby tomboy.

Well, thank her very much for having tried to protect you all these years, but she can go now.

You're a big girl and you can manage it on your own from now on, so scram.

 

And let yourself grow.

 

Excellent Geisha.

 

This is how it was for me too. I was trying to run my adult life with rules and beliefs about myself that I had established as a child.

 

My whole view on men and relationships but mostly me was determined by a small wounded child.

 

For me though it took my current relationship to question these views I held. I'm not sure if I would have done it on my own if there wasn't a very special someone forcing me to face my demons, so to speak.

 

Panda good for you for going through counseling. Hopefully you will be able to explore this more and be able to realize that a lot of what goes on inside your head is beliefs laid down by you as a child. A wounded confused child at that.

 

Hopefully you will see that it is simply untrue. All of it. You are older now and wiser now and your view on reality is much broader than it was back then.

 

I really think you'll get there Panda. You are on the right road.

[pandagirl]

If you believe you'r worthless, if you believe you can't love, don't deserve love, or cannot be loved, then this is what you will always get.

 

This is very true. It's not a matter of my not intellectually understand my issues, the problem is emotionally connecting with my feelings. I feel like it's impossible to let down my guard, but I'm working at it.

 

 

 

For me though it took my current relationship to question these views I held. I'm not sure if I would have done it on my own if there wasn't a very special someone forcing me to face my demons, so to speak.

 

I feel like I need someone to push me, but I won't allow anyone to get close to me. I feel like I don't want anyone to care about me!

 

I know I'm not a lost cause, but it gets very tiring sometimes.