Can I date before divorce is final?

[Debbiedee]

HI there! I'm new to this site and I must say that I've thoroughly enjoyed hearing from everyone and getting some great advice! I do have a small question for those of you who've been through this. I've been separated from my ex for 4 months and we have a 2 1/2 year old son. I filed for Absolute Divorce before I moved out and my ex and I have reached a custody agreement but the money/property division is scheduled for a hearing at the end of October.

 

My questions is, am I allowed to date during this time? My ex and I were only married 4 years and we haven't been initimate for the past 2 of those years and sporadically before then. We had a horrible relationship that was filled with mental cruelty, emotional abuse and physical threats. I just want to move on and create a life that I can be happy with, not only for me but for my son and I would love to start dating again but am afraid of the legal ramifications. I've sent my lawyer a fax asking him this question but he's on vacation for 2 weeks so I thought I'd ask if anyone has been through this?

 

Just a sidebar, my ex has threatened me (no surprise) that if I start dating, he's going to take my son away from me, etc. and although I know it would be a tough fight for him, it does worry me as he has the financial resources that I lack presently.

 

Any tips and/or suggestions? Thanks so much and I look forward to "hearing" from you!

 

Debbie

[EnigmaXOXO]

It depends on the terms written in your separation agreement (assuming there is one). Your best bet is to check with your lawyer. Two weeks isn't that long to wait, and perhaps it would be wiser just to hold off until the end of October until your settlement agreement is worked out. Dating someone now could throw a wrench in the process if your soon-to-be-ex decides to become vindictive.

[2SidestoStories]

Hi Debbie!

 

I'm currently going through the legal motions of divorce myself, and would highly recommend that you wait for a while to get into the dating scene. I do not say this as a result of your husband's threats, but rather because even if the divorce is what you wanted, it is still a hugely traumatic event, and one that you likely do not want to bring along on board a new relationship.

 

I completely understand your desire to begin again. But ask yourself how dating would help that to happen. I would suspect that you are not actually looking for a serious relationship to fall into right away. You owe it to yourself and your son to not get swept up in the dating scene so immediately after the divorce.

 

My heart goes out to you in terms of your situation with your soon-to-be-ex husband. Mine was a situation similar to yours. It is lovely that you haven't sworn off men entirely as a result of this one man who treated you so poorly. But give yourself time to heal. You deserve the best, right? Be sure to give yourself the chance to know what "the best" means to you before you get caught in something else that may be equally destructive.

 

Best Wishes!

[Debbiedee]

You both made very valid points ... I can definitely wait until after the property settlement is over with. I have been using this time wisely, doing some reflection and working on enjoying my friends and hobbies again. It's been great! I also definitely do not have any plans on jumping into another relationship nor do I wish to introduce anyone to my son until I'm 100% sure the new person will be someone I can trust and want to spend the future with. It would be so confusing to my baby if he saw mommy with someone new. I don't want to do that to him at all.

 

Let's say I wait until the divorce is finally, etc., and my ex finds out I'm dating someone (he's very resourceful and tends to stalk me a bit), can he try to regain custody? We're sharing custody presently and it's been working out well but it was a long road to come to an agreement, filled with threats, blackmail, etc.. Because it's working so well for my toddler, I'd like to keep it that way but have that niggling fear that stbx will always continue to control my life, and my moving on will definitely set him off to tighten the hold.

 

Any tips? I am allowed to date and have a life once I'm divorced right? LOL I guess I've just been so burned by this person that I live in fear of what he's going to do now. I don't even go out with friends for a drink (while stbx has my son) for fear that he'll find out. Not to go into a long story but let's suffice it to say that he's been known to call restaurant's where I've been and harrass me.

 

Thank you for sharing your suggestions and I appreciate you taking time out to do so. It makes me feel like I'm not the only one going through this! Hope to hear some more great advice ....

 

Debbie

[EnigmaXOXO]

Even in the cases of "joint custody," a decision will be made as to which parent the child will primarily reside with. Its been my experience that it is "preferred" that the child remain with its mother and/or in their primary place of residence. The idea is to limit the amount trauma, stress and change to the child's environment as much as possible.

 

If your husband later decides to fight you over custody issues, he will have to spend more money on attorneys and submit evidence that you are somehow an "unfit" parent in order to turn around the magistrates/judges decision. And this is very difficult to do. (My sister and her ex-husband have been squabbling over their children for years, and the court still refuses to change its initial decision to allow the children to remain in their original home and state with their father.)

 

These are all questions you should already be discussing with your attorney. They may, as in my sister's case, recommend that you not relocate out of state or risk losing custodianship of you child. Other than that, so long as your son is being cared for adequately, and you remain a responsible parent, the rest of your life will be free to live as you see fit.

[Debbiedee]

We did definitely decide that our son's primary residence was with me and that I was the custodial parent; he just stays 3 nights/2days each week with daddy so that's all been ordered through the Court. Right now, we're just fighting over property and of course, money hits close to home with my stbx and therefore his latest focus is intimidating me to give up and receive nothing from our "estate."

 

I'm sorry that your sister is having such a hard time ... I cannot imagine what she is going through! I wish her the best.

 

In regards to moving out of state, I certainly am not planning on doing that and have actually only moved about 2 miles from where my stbx lives which has made the transition easier for our son.

 

Thanks again for your thoughts and well wishes. I hope that eventually, I can move on and build a life I can be proud of! Hope you're having a great Sunday. Take care!

 

Debbie

[2SidestoStories]

Again, I understand very well what you're dealing with. The fact that your ex is always going to be a part of your life, even if he is not your husband is certainly something you have to consider. I myself have two babies, one four year old little girl, and one eleven month old little boy. I do not know how custody laws are written in D.C., but I know that once a custody settlement has been approved by the courts, it takes a great deal of "fighting" to get it changed. If you haven't got that aspect sorted out, I implore you to settle it at once.

 

Thinking of dating as an "allowed" thing is certainly reason enough for you to put on the brakes, I'd like to point out. I absolutely respect and admire that you've begun your healing as well as looking out for your kiddo! Hang in there, and don't hesitate to seek out reassurance right here.

[Debbiedee]

How are you doing the single parent thing with a 4 year old and a baby? Wow! That must be so challenging for you!

 

Thanks for your input and I really appreciate all the help you all have given me ... it's really made me feel a lot more at ease about things.

 

Hope to run into you again soon!

[2SidestoStories]

Hiya Debbie!

 

Challenge is definitely one word for it! Luckily, I have an extremely supportive group of friends and family members around me that make this transition in my life that much more easy for me to handle. There are still times when I will just have to sit down and remember to breathe because it's all so overwhelming. What I have been able to do, though, is maintain the most positive outlook on life that I can manage.

 

I will be returning to school in the Spring, and am really looking forward to that. I plan to go on to grad school after that, as I had dropped out of school to be with the children, since that was what my ex and I had agreed to do. Partly, I am exhilirated by the idea that I have the opportunity to provide for my family. It may sound very strange to look at it that way, but honestly, I will be doing something I love while bringing home the bacon, and still being a good mother. Something I have embraced through this bizarre and unplanned phase of my life is that I have every reason TO believe in myself. Rather than listening to the echoes of my ex's sentiments about how incapable and wrong I am about everything, I have begun to recognize that he was obviously wrong on one main count: I'm certainly NOT incapable, because I had the courage to leave he and his destructive behavior behind.

 

I know that there are several women (and men for that matter) who go through divorce and are shattered completely by it. I happen to choose to be one of the "few" who embrace changes in my life as intensive lessons. I can tell you that I've already gained a great deal, although to explain it all would take a very long time. But I'm glad to share if you'd care to hear.

 

Your question, though, was how I manage to do the single parent thing, and the answer is in the "subject." It's amazing how many people have come out of the woodwork, and it's also amazing to have this lovely website where I can spout off about pretty much anything, and there will be at least one other person who relates.

 

Take care!