Norman Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 My Wife and I have been married for 2 years now but have been together for 7 in total. At the start of our relationship our sex life was great. Over the last 18 months my wife’s sex drive has gradually declined to whenever she can be bothered (around once a month if I’m lucky). I have tried several things to spice up our sex life (Nothing bizarre just a toy and some nice underwear) but she is a very conservative person and doesn’t seem to like either of them very much. We have discussed on several occasions why we are incompatible with no real results. The last time we discussed the issue I was told that I was a sex fiend and that I only ever wanted one thing. Whilst I know my wife didn’t mean it in that way I am now left feeling resentful, neglected and unattractive. As a guy I know I should just brush it off and get on with it but at the same time men have needs to, not just sexual needs but emotional ones as well and when they are unfulfilled it leads us to examine the relationship we are in and perhaps start looking for a get out clause. The sad thing is for a while I thought my wife may have been having an affair and that I was not fulfilling her emotional and physical needs. This only led me to more despair and am now thinking about getting a divorce (hence the get out clause). I have tried not to put pressure on my wife about sex as this may cause her to become overly conscious of sex and then we would end up having guilt sex which is far worse than no se at all. I started having my own time to relieve my frustration however when she found out she hit the roof. If there is anyone out there that has any ideas I would love to her them as I am running out myself? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Tell me about her non-sexual attention and affection.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Norman Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]What do you want to know?[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]When I touch her (ie a hand in the small of her back) she say's I'm molesting her and when I try and get romantic she moves away and says I'm tickling her. If I don't cuddle/kiss her she constantly asks if I still love her and if I find her attractive. I try and tell her everyday that I love her and that I think she's still sexy but even this seems to be wrong?[/FONT][/COLOR] Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 I was asking about *her*, not you. Is she spontaneously affectionate with you? Can she be affectionate with you and accept your reciprocation without the affection becoming a sexual issue? Does she initiate any affection with you? Remember, I'm not talking about sex. Did she have any traumatic emotional/physical issues in childhood, like abuse or molestation? If yes, has she received any sort of psychological counseling for them as a child and/or adult? If you expressed this as an issue to her today, and asked her to join you in marital counseling, what do you think she'd say? The push-pull aspect from your second post is what has me concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Norman Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 At the very start of our relationship she was, but as time has gone by it has got less and less to the point of non existence now, When we discuss it she will take the initiative the following day and then after that there will be nothing until we discuss it again which is normally a couple of months later. She will come and cuddle me every now and again but not very often, and normally for a few minutes before moving to the other end of the sofa and watching TV. She has never had a traumatic experience like you mention and has come from a very loving (albeit conservative family). We have discussed counselling before but we never seem to agree when we can go.[ Tell me more about your Push/Pull theory as it may be I'm missing something? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Be sure to use the LS text box to make your posts. Copying and pasting from a text editor creates a mess for reading... Push-pull... You approach your wife sexually. She pushes you away. You back off. She pulls you back with requests for sexual affirmation. The cycle repeats. If she's not playing a game with you, it sounds like an attachment disorder, likely rooted in childhood. I've experienced this with a few women in my lifetime. I call them "rubber band relationships". Very stressful for me, even more so when they're friends and I love them. I can imagine this is how you feel about your wife. It'll eat at your self-esteem. Better to nip it in the bud right now. Make an appointment for MC and tell her "we're going". Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 It does not sound like she is in love with you... A woman who loves her husband will be making advances of affection and sexual initiation. Now if she is ill , she may not , but seriously rejecting all advances sounds like a woman not in love. And a woman not in love , well the last thing she wants to do is make love to you.... Sorry to hurt you. Maybe some counseling to see if she can be helped... Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I started having my own time to relieve my frustration however when she found out she hit the roof. ....she gets angry that you masturbate? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Norman Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 Yep she see's it that she is not fullfilling my needs and that because I need to masturbate that she is a failure? I am posative that my wife Loves me the only problem that we have is differing sex drives. I have been reading and thinking about this alot but can't seem to find a resolution. I am sure that MC would be good for us and will be looking to book something before the end of the week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Norman Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 Thanks Janice will see where we go with the MC failing that I could always start taking Bromide in my tea Wish me luck Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Yep she see's it that she is not fullfilling my needs and that because I need to masturbate that she is a failure? Ahh, so she's not completely oblivious to reality then... I would be extremely offended if my wife tried to control what I do with my own body in this way. I can't believe you let her get away with it. It's as if she thinks you should magically neuter yourself so that you match her libido. She needs a wake up call. Make sure you raise the ban on masturbation when you get to MC. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Well I fully sympathise with this predicament. I personally think sex is VERY important to a relationship and people can frown upon you for putting an emphasis or a focus on it but it is vital to a relationship. It is the key thing that seperates a relationship from an intimate friendship. And as you say it is not necessarily just sex for sexes sake but an emotional process. It makes you feel closer and bonded as a couple. I would be inclined to think one way with regard to your wife if she wasn't upset when you didn't pursue her. It sounds as though she does not want sex for whatever reason but so long as you continue to try she nonetheless feels attractive, sexy and validated. When you give up - she then feels you don't find her attractive. Though naturally after so much trying, you will start to give up and also become more and more frustrated. You need to ask her in as patient a manner as possible why she is acting this way. She may be defensive or like a brick wall. She may not KNOW why. And I know you may feel that by bringing it up you will cause her to feel stressed or guilty or pressurised but the alternative is you bottling it up and feeling repressed, resentful and insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
LAGal Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Quick question: Is she on birth control? That destroys a woman's sex drive over time. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Quick question: Is she on birth control? That destroys a woman's sex drive over time. 100% agreed. The pill is the devil. Made me depressed, anxious and completely lose my sex drive. I think it is one of the sole reasons women can be SO irritable and AGGGG. AVOID THE PILL AT ALL COSTS. Link to post Share on other sites
lovesparis Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 also lost sex drive on pill... (no longer on pill, nearly a year. still suffering low drive) however... when you were having sex regularly did you make sure to warm her up 1st? i prefer that, (need...) did you make sure that her needs were met? did you do so with excitement? recently my bf wanted some nookie, and i told him i needed to be warmed up. so he put his hands down there and poked around but didn't actually put any interest into it-- i mean stared at the ceiling in silence. finally i just said forget it. i can't get excited if it's too much of a chore for you to bother with. Link to post Share on other sites
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