# of previous relationships counts again you?

[Island Girl]

Wow, Island Girl, no WAY! So you only go by how they are in the present? You don't think someone's past can determine, to a degree, what to expect in the future? Not too mention, how do you guage their experience?

 

Past does determine how someone will be in a current relationship. It is my experience that people are different with different people. For instance - a clingy dependent woman may result in the man pulling away and becoming less affectionate with that person. With someone who is independent he may be VERY demonstrative.

 

Not to mention the fact that you only get one side of the story (and that is shaded to portray the teller in a better light) not the truth. Remember there is her side, his side, and the truth always lies somewhere in the middle.

 

It has also been my experience that past boyfriends were not the same way with other girls than with me. This I usually found out from the crying exes unfortunately (that's what I get living in a smaller city where we are generally 1 or 2 people removed).

 

Plenty of my friends have queried their boyfriends for details and those details were in fact upsetting and caused problems and suspicions where there were none before.

 

There is a reason they are exes and they are in the past. I let them lie there.

 

I make the evaluations of whom I am dating by observing them - how they are with other relationships in their lives i.e. friends, co-workers, family, etc. And of course how they treat me. I do not just jump in all doe-y eyed and put my heart out there with anyone.

 

If along the way I find reason to be alarmed - those bells certainly go off and I pay attention.

 

But as most dating books or relationship books will tell you discussing past relationships is a mistake.

[Dumbledore]

But as most dating books or relationship books will tell you discussing past relationships is a mistake.

Agreed. Past is past, and should be left there.

[Island Girl]

Past does determine how someone will be in a current relationship.

 

I meant to say -- does not determine --

 

wouldn't let me edit...sorry

[BareGoddess]

Past does determine how someone will be in a current relationship. It is my experience that people are different with different people. For instance - a clingy dependent woman may result in the man pulling away and becoming less affectionate with that person. With someone who is independent he may be VERY demonstrative.

 

VERY true!

 

Not to mention the fact that you only get one side of the story (and that is shaded to portray the teller in a better light) not the truth. Remember there is her side, his side, and the truth always lies somewhere in the middle.

 

This is very true too, however, I think BIG clues can be gleaned from how a guy talks about his past relationships..what words he uses, what his attitude is...all things I paid very, very close attention to.

 

You're right that there's more than one side. So if a guy placed ALL the blame on the ex, that was a red flag. If he placed ALL the blame on himself that was a red flag too!

 

See where I'm going with this? You can really learn a lot about a person just from the way they talk about their past breakups.

 

It has also been my experience that past boyfriends were not the same way with other girls than with me. This I usually found out from the crying exes unfortunately (that's what I get living in a smaller city where we are generally 1 or 2 people removed).

 

Plenty of my friends have queried their boyfriends for details and those details were in fact upsetting and caused problems and suspicions where there were none before.

 

There is a reason they are exes and they are in the past. I let them lie there.

 

I agree. That's why this kind of thing is only PART of what I looked at in assessing if someone was a good match for me or not. Although it doesn't tell the whole story, it was a good way for me to gauge some important elements of a person's character.

 

I make the evaluations of whom I am dating by observing them - how they are with other relationships in their lives i.e. friends, co-workers, family, etc. And of course how they treat me. I do not just jump in all doe-y eyed and put my heart out there with anyone.

 

Ok, I did that too. But what I don't get is why you'd include how they interact with friends, co-workers, family, etc. and leave OUT how they interacted with their exes and how they ENDED it with their exes. That doesn't make sense to me.

 

If along the way I find reason to be alarmed - those bells certainly go off and I pay attention.

 

But as most dating books or relationship books will tell you discussing past relationships is a mistake.

 

Right at the beginning yes, I would agree. But if it hasn't been discussed or brought up by the 3rd or 4th date, I'd wonder why. And yep, that would be another red flag for me.

[Dumbledore]

I meant to say -- does not determine --

I guess, in your heart, you knew the real truth.

[Island Girl]

Imagine them years later after breakup, continuing to bad mouth 4 different exes. You can pretty much draw the conclusion that you're next on the list of people to hate.

 

Hatred just festers and creates bitterness which can be projected onto you. You have to let it go sometime.

 

You have made my point for me right here.

 

If I was dating a gentleman who brought up his exes then it would be the end. No sense in dating a man who can not let go of the past -- who possibly judges all women (to a certain degree) based upon the behavior of a limited few.

 

If someone is discussing their exes - it is the sign for me to excuse myself from dating him or having anymore contact with him. He needs a therapist not a girlfriend or a wife.

 

That to me is an immediate red flag. (AND THERE ARE SO MANY THAT PEOPLE ROUTINELY IGNORE.)

 

Red flags are what you pay attention to. They'll tell you more about a person than any conversation you could ever have with them.

[You'reasian]

You have made my point for me right here.

 

If I was dating a gentleman who brought up his exes then it would be the end. No sense in dating a man who can not let go of the past -- who possibly judges all women (to a certain degree) based upon the behavior of a limited few.

 

If someone is discussing their exes - it is the sign for me to excuse myself from dating him or having anymore contact with him. He needs a therapist not a girlfriend or a wife.

 

That to me is an immediate red flag. (AND THERE ARE SO MANY THAT PEOPLE ROUTINELY IGNORE.)

 

Red flags are what you pay attention to. They'll tell you more about a person than any conversation you could ever have with them.

 

But all too often, people are still attached to their ex-es, as in the case of sharing custodial rights of children....and often this brings up conversations about how they feel about their ex.

 

I'm single, never had any kids etc. - but I can expect any single mom to express her feelings about something that went awry as she is a single mom. Unfortunately, this often turns into share the ex story.

[Trialbyfire]

You have made my point for me right here.

 

If I was dating a gentleman who brought up his exes then it would be the end. No sense in dating a man who can not let go of the past -- who possibly judges all women (to a certain degree) based upon the behavior of a limited few.

 

If someone is discussing their exes - it is the sign for me to excuse myself from dating him or having anymore contact with him. He needs a therapist not a girlfriend or a wife.

 

That to me is an immediate red flag. (AND THERE ARE SO MANY THAT PEOPLE ROUTINELY IGNORE.)

 

Red flags are what you pay attention to. They'll tell you more about a person than any conversation you could ever have with them.

You're assuming that this type of man would bring up this topic at the beginning, even though you refuse to ask.

[Island Girl]

But all too often, people are still attached to their ex-es, as in the case of sharing custodial rights of children....and often this brings up conversations about how they feel about their ex.

 

I'm single, never had any kids etc. - but I can expect any single mom to express her feelings about something that went awry as she is a single mom. Unfortunately, this often turns into share the ex story.

 

True - but this should be a limited conversation not full of the gory details.

 

It is more about how the relationship is NOW concerning the children and how they get along when it comes to those things. What happened between the two of them personally should be between the two of them and most of the detail you do not need in your head.

 

There are plenty of guys out there who would call me a maneater -- they'd tell you I am heartless and cruel becauseof the way I broke things off. In their perception I was. But they won't tell you they became clingy and needy - some turned into stalkers, etc.

 

Does that mean that is how I was in EVERY relationship? No.

Does that mean that is how I am to my husband? No. The way we communicate is completely different because he is a different person.

 

Is he the same way with me as with others he has dated? No. Because I am not that same type of woman either. We act and react differently with each other.

 

To the OP:

 

You can be honest about your lack of experience in a serious relationship without saying you have never had a relationship at all.

Just say you have yet to find someone whom you would be comfortable having a serious relationship with.

That implies you have dated which is what you will be doing when talking about this -- you'd be on a date or discussing going on one --and leave it there.

 

Certainly every girl you go out with will not be relationship material. So just see how it goes.

[Island Girl]

You're assuming that this type of man would bring up this topic at the beginning, even though you refuse to ask.

 

If he is the type of man that is bad mouthing his exes -- believe me he'll bring it up. Been there. He'll start by asking a lot of questions about you and how you are or feel about specific things, etc.(for his own comparison going on in his head while on a date with you) and it is pretty aparent he is measuring you up.

It is not a relaxed open date - that easiness isn't there.

 

That guy doesn't get a second date.

 

And by the 3rd or 4th date I do not feel I know someone well enough to trust what he says implicitly. At that point you should have eyes wide open and still be evaluating him and his actions with everyone.

 

I think people forget how much time and experience it really takes to KNOW someone.

 

Hopefully people are dating long enough that serious or stressful situations, etc. happen during the dating phase and take a long hard look before they just jump into a serious relationship with anyone.

 

Real time and real experiences with you are the only way you can truly evaluate how someone will behave in a serious relationship with you.

[You'reasian]

If he is the type of man that is bad mouthing his exes -- believe me he'll bring it up. Been there. He'll start by asking a lot of questions about you and how you are or feel about specific things, etc.(for his own comparison going on in his head while on a date with you) and it is pretty aparent he is measuring you up.

It is not a relaxed open date - that easiness isn't there.

 

That guy doesn't get a second date.

 

And by the 3rd or 4th date I do not feel I know someone well enough to trust what he says implicitly. At that point you should have eyes wide open and still be evaluating him and his actions with everyone.

 

I think people forget how much time and experience it really takes to KNOW someone.

 

Hopefully people are dating long enough that serious or stressful situations, etc. happen during the dating phase and take a long hard look before they just jump into a serious relationship with anyone.

 

Real time and real experiences with you are the only way you can truly evaluate how someone will behave in a serious relationship with you.

 

I've had women outright ask me about my relationship history and I was thoughtful, introspective yet brief and they wanted to know more and more - I think this is not a good topic to get into while you are on a date. I think she should have backed off once I responded.

 

Anyhow, I agree that time together and time apart is imporant for the long-haul. Time together is certainly sweet

[Trialbyfire]

If he is the type of man that is bad mouthing his exes -- believe me he'll bring it up. Been there. He'll start by asking a lot of questions about you and how you are or feel about specific things, etc.(for his own comparison going on in his head while on a date with you) and it is pretty aparent he is measuring you up.

It is not a relaxed open date - that easiness isn't there.

 

That guy doesn't get a second date.

 

And by the 3rd or 4th date I do not feel I know someone well enough to trust what he says implicitly. At that point you should have eyes wide open and still be evaluating him and his actions with everyone.

 

I think people forget how much time and experience it really takes to KNOW someone.

 

Hopefully people are dating long enough that serious or stressful situations, etc. happen during the dating phase and take a long hard look before they just jump into a serious relationship with anyone.

 

Real time and real experiences with you are the only way you can truly evaluate how someone will behave in a serious relationship with you.

I agree that it takes time to know anyone but if the topic of exes does come up very early, it's a great way to ensure that no more time is wasted on someone who has major issues with exes.

 

Sure, there are bitter men who will spew from the get-go. There are also men who hide it to a point, sometimes even from themselves. This is a more insiduous kind of bitterness and cynicism which doesn't come out unless you get them to talk about their exes. If you've experienced it, you'll know what I mean.

[Island Girl]

Sure, there are bitter men who will spew from the get-go. There are also men who hide it to a point, sometimes even from themselves. This is a more insiduous kind of bitterness and cynicism which doesn't come out unless you get them to talk about their exes. If you've experienced it, you'll know what I mean.

 

I have to disagree. A person who is a cynic and bitter shows it in plenty of ways. It won't just be when they talk about their exes.

 

And usually, if you do NOT ask, you get a lot more information. They want to tell people how wronged they've been. What a victim they were. And how stupid "she" was to do whatever it is. They seek validation, especially from a woman. Are you worthy or are you 'like her' is what is going on within them and it DOES come out.

 

By the way, I refuse to date a man who is just plain rude to wait staff, maids, or anyone else. That man has issues.

 

There are so many ways to see who you are really dating. The words that come out of his mouth about his past relationships should mean very very little.

[Trialbyfire]

I have to disagree. A person who is a cynic and bitter shows it in plenty of ways. It won't just be when they talk about their exes.

 

And usually, if you do NOT ask, you get a lot more information. They want to tell people how wronged they've been. What a victim they were. And how stupid "she" was to do whatever it is. They seek validation, especially from a woman. Are you worthy or are you 'like her' is what is going on within them and it DOES come out.

 

By the way, I refuse to date a man who is just plain rude to wait staff, maids, or anyone else. That man has issues.

 

There are so many ways to see who you are really dating. The words that come out of his mouth about his past relationships should mean very very little.

Only the more blatant variety is easy to spot without discussions about historical relationships. It appears that you haven't met this kind of man. He exists. You just have to know the right questions to ask. I just prefer not to waste time finding it out, after dating for awhile.

 

I agree that anyone who's rude with people who provide services, is someone to avoid. There's no reason to be rude...period.

[39388]

I agree Island Girl.

 

There is nothing more revealing about someone than how he or she treats others. I'm not the best at reading people, but even I can tell quite a bit. It is often easy to see for patterns if you pay attention. You have to be open to seeing them though. You may really like someone and intentionally ignore some of thier less desirable qualities. Something to be careful of.

 

How they respond to others or various situations is critical, too. What happens if they are stuck in a long line at a store or their food is overcooked at a restaurant? What happens when they get a gift or see a friend? Every reaction shapes the personality a little bit.

[turnshyness]

Thanks for the advice Island Girl...duly noted.

 

Actually come to think of it, they way I told her was last relationship was on middle school...dont know if that really counts..then I said to her..just havent had the luck finding the right one.

 

Another thing that upsets me was on how she turned me down...through email when the night before I dropped her off, she leaned in for a kiss...To me the email was just such a cop out...HA..this is probably another discussion thread. At any rate, I'm over it. Off to the next date and adventure..I'm in communicado w/ other girls anyways.

 

I think it was my own fault at somepoint anyways. Looking back I was kinda "clingy" per se because I think at somepoint I told her how was that was my first kiss and it was awesome blah blah blah so she must have freaked out "what the heck 24 and first kiss". Well that's what dating is for right? lesson learned...

 

To the OP:

 

You can be honest about your lack of experience in a serious relationship without saying you have never had a relationship at all.

Just say you have yet to find someone whom you would be comfortable having a serious relationship with.

That implies you have dated which is what you will be doing when talking about this -- you'd be on a date or discussing going on one --and leave it there.

 

Certainly every girl you go out with will not be relationship material. So just see how it goes.

[Island Girl]

Actually come to think of it, they way I told her was last relationship was on middle school...dont know if that really counts..then I said to her..just havent had the luck finding the right one.

 

Perfect. Just leave out the middle school part. Just say it's been a while.

 

Another thing that upsets me was on how she turned me down...through email when the night before I dropped her off, she leaned in for a kiss...To me the email was just such a cop out...HA..this is probably another discussion thread. At any rate, I'm over it. Off to the next date and adventure..I'm in communicado w/ other girls anyways.

 

Yes it was a cop out. But we live in the age of the text and e-mail. I think it sucks to text in a relationship. If a man can't spend a few minutes to call me personally and give me his undivided attention for a few minutes then do not bother.

 

I think it was my own fault at somepoint anyways. Looking back I was kinda "clingy" per se because I think at somepoint I told her how was that was my first kiss and it was awesome blah blah blah so she must have freaked out "what the heck 24 and first kiss". Well that's what dating is for right? lesson learned...

 

Any girl you date will not know how experienced you are so just act naturally and go with the flow. Don't panic or freak yourself out. For all you know the girl hasn't dated a whole lot either.

 

As "star struck" as you might get, just keep in mind that you do not really know the person. Keep your dreamy reactions under control and you'll be just fine. Let go as you go.

[39388]

Another thing that upsets me was on how she turned me down...through email

If someone is cold enough to turn you down through email, she is probably not good enough for you. Someone that cold hearted likely has hurt many other people in their life too.

[39388]

Furthermore, it as amazing how hard many women judge someone for not being in enough relationships and how easy they overlook really terrible behavior in charming and good looking males.

[turnshyness]

Funny you mentioned that because come to think about it, I'm amazed on how she said she's had so many serious relationship...I wonder if that means something...how come she cant hold unto one? Well what do I know huh? I've never been on a relationship...hahahaha

 

Furthermore, it as amazing how hard many women judge someone for not being in enough relationships and how easy they overlook really terrible behavior in charming and good looking males.

[39388]

Funny you mentioned that because come to think about it, I'm amazed on how she said she's had so many serious relationship...I wonder if that means something...how come she cant hold unto one? Well what do I know huh? I've never been on a relationship...hahahaha

I think it gets easier for you since now you have been in a relationship. Sure it was only 3 dates, but give yourself credit. You were clearly too smart and too good for her.

 

Of couse, being *too* smart is a deal breaker for countless women. Getting a PhD in a very difficult subject like I am doing makes me a nerd and geek both at once. There are a very few women that count that as a positive and many more count it as a negative. Some dating advice I see says to hide such things. Can you believe that?

[39388]

To be fair, a lot of men find a smart woman as a deal breaker. Crazy, isn't it?