Stressed and Feeling Alone

[redfathom]

Hi, I could use some insight.

 

Hubby and I have been married for eight years and get along great. While I don't think hubby has ever cheated on me, I he came close once and I am seeing the same patterns happening with a female co-worker.

 

He say's they are just friends and that she looks up to him like a big brother. I asked him if he is attracted to her and he he thinks she is attractive but that he isn't attracted to her, but to be safe he won't ever put himself in a position of being alone with her.

 

In group settings with other co-workers they have been haging out a lot, like yesterday he came home over an hour late from work, today they all went to breakfast and came home three hours late from work. The other day their boss took them all out to dinner and he volunteered to carpool with her and one other guy. He sounded like he knew where she lived...which I brought up yesterday and he said he had been to her house before while they were at work sharing a car (they are cops) she said she needed to go get something from her house. When they went out the other night she stayed behind flirting with another cop from their department who just got out of a bad relationship. I found a text from her to my husband that said "I am home safe and alone, thanks for your concern." Then he told me that Friday night she spent a lot of time on his beat avoiding the guys ex who she flirted with.

 

I said, well if she wasn't out slutting around she wouldn't have to worry, to which he got defensive and told me she wasn't slutting around and that they didn't sleep together.

 

That was when I told him this all sounds like what happened with the girl he almost cheated on me with. He would defend her when she was slutting, there were rumors they were sleeping together (same with the girl he works with now), he would talk about her all the time, etc.

 

He said it's not even the same thing and told me they are just friends and that I have nothing to worry about. Then he tells me I am cute when I am jealous, like it's a big game.

 

Meanwhile I am scheduled at the end of the month to have brain surgery and I could use some support. But I feel like when he is home he spends time talking about work and co-workers or he's not home because he's with them.

 

I don't want to be selfish and I want him to have friends, but I could use him right now. I have been asking him for over a month to go to the city and change his filing status while I am out of work on disability, he went one day and they didn't have the form that was two weeks ago and he hasn't been back. When I asked him, he said he has been to busy. He get's three days off a week and stays late at work BSing, all he has to do is go across the street and fill out a one page form...

 

So this morning we were talking in bed and he was holding me and I told him I could use his help and support, when I told him I felt like he wasn't helping me and that I am under stress he stopped holding me so I asked if he wanted to get to sleep and he said he should. That was the end of the conversation.

 

I mean who knows what will happen to me, if everything goes well, I will be out of work for at east six weeks and I will have nerve pain and will be heaing for a year. That's the positive side. So for the next few weeks before my surgery I would like to have some fun and spend time with my husband. Instead I am home alone preparing everything by my self.

 

Any suggestions?

[Geishawhelk]

....So this morning we were talking in bed and he was holding me and I told him I could use his help and support, when I told him I felt like he wasn't helping me and that I am under stress he stopped holding me so I asked if he wanted to get to sleep and he said he should. That was the end of the conversation.

 

 

Yes.

Stop appeasing him and pandering to his temperament.

It sounds as if every time you talk to him, you feel you have to pick your moments and walk on egg-shells.

This is NOT the way things should be right now, he should be doing this for you.

I hate to say it, but you need to try to surround yourself with loving friends and family - and tell him that unless he can take the supporting, loving sheltering role for a change, he can go do what the heck he likes. You don't want him around he's hard work and close to useless.

 

I'm sorry, it's as plain as the nose on my face, he gives a damn.....

 

I'll say it because it's on my mind.

Who'll be watching him while you're under the knife and in recovery?

 

I don't trust him.

And I don't even know him!!

[redfathom]

Well, my hubby started his new shift today (day's) and the co-worker above is also on this squad again (shift change just happened) and he called to say hi and he told me he had to get going because he was meeting her for lunch. I told him not to make a habit out of it and he said they're just friends and that I need to stop getting so upset.

 

Then he said he won't make it a habit and will go to lunch with other people sometimes too.

 

I hate being so upset over this, I don't want to ask him to stop hanging out with her, but at the same time you would think he would cool it some since he knows how uncomfortable I am with it.

 

Looking at the "facts" I don't think I have anything to worry about, I checked his text's from her and they seem innocent and there are no long phone calls with each other.

 

I have hardly seen him in the last few days so that of course doesn't help. How do I stop myself from feeling this way?

[redfathom]

Okay, sorry to vent again...but this is why I am stressed.

 

Hubby got off work at 4:00 PM, I sent him a text and I asked him to pick up dinner before I get home at 5:30 PM. We just talked and she said he would just wait until I got home and we could go get something or we could make something.

 

His reasons:

1. He doesn't know what I want, so I told him to just pick something, anything is fine.

2. Driving any where right now would be busy, I said, well I have to drive home so it's not that bad.

3. He has to run errands, so I said okay, then go to X and on the way home pick up X for dinner, he said we could talk more about it when I got home.

 

But I was hoping I wouldn't have to worry about it when I got home, that he would just take care of dinner...

 

But no, we have to either discuss it together or go do it together. I swear I am not trying to be a pain, I just want him to do more around the house to help me out so I don't always have to worry about these things or take care of them.

 

Do I sound unreasonable?

 

Yesterday I ran home from work, took the cat to the vet which took two hours, cleaned the cat box and heated up leftovers for dinner that I made on Sunday. He woke up at 7 PM and went back to bed at 8:30 PM...

[Geishawhelk]

Why -

 

Are -

 

You -

 

With -

 

This -

 

Loser.....?

 

He is too much like damned hard work!

 

Look, under normal circumstances, I would be saying you need MC, or you need to talk, you need to find a compromise -

But for goodness' sake, in a few days, you are going into hospital for major surgery!

 

he should be taking all of this off your shoulders and doing whatever he can to make life as stress-free and relaxed for you, as possible!

 

You have to stop bowing to his temperament.

I'd have been screaming down the phone -

"just pick up some effing dinner ok?!??"

To say he's been unsympathetic and unsupportive is the understatement of the century!

 

My goodness, I do hope he's not going to be your sole carer when you come out to convalesce, or I see downright neglect looming.

 

Personally, i think you are completely within your rights to tell him to leave, because he's less use than a chocolate fire-poker right now, and the last thing you need this minute is to have to think AND act - for two people.

 

What happened about all that money situation - you know, the tax and allowance on his form?

[redfathom]

He did take care of the tax form yesterday, which was great!

 

I do have to sympathetic to him because he started a new schedule. For the last four years he has been on graveyard and yesterday he started day's. He did sleep for 17 hours on Monday to help adjust his sleep for the new shift, but he was still very tired yesterday.

 

I was trying to talk with him about my surgery, letting him know that I found out that they screw a support brace into your head and that I will be in a ventilaztion tube. While I was telling him he was nuzzling with the cat and then while I am talking he tells me that the cat just poked him in the eye with it's nose. I stoppped talking and he didn't ask me to continue. Then he started talking about work.

 

Finally I asked him if he didn't like talking about my surgery and he said that he didn't mind but that he was really tired. Too tired to listen, but not to talk. At this point I pretty much shut down. I started to cry (silently) and I told him that maybe I needed someone else to be my advocate during this because I needed someone that would help me. He was shocked and I think offended and said he was sorry but that he just tired.

 

I told him Saturday that I needed him to help me more and that I know things are tough but that we both have to just give a little extra right now. I mean I truly feel like it doesn't matter if he goes with me for my surgery or not. I don't have the enegry to take care of both of us, I mean I won't have the energy to take care of myself.

 

I know guys are the fixers, and he can't fix me and maybe that makes him feel useless and lost. But it's too the point where I don't really want to be around him, I just want to deal with what I have to with out having to take care of anyone or anything else!

 

I do have to add that I am starting my period today (I know TMI) and I do get highly emotional around that time, then add the stress from the surgery and I am an emotional wreck. Hubby knows I am stressed, hopefully once he is able to get some sleep he will be more help.

[hotgurl]

red

I think your husband is being incredably insensitive. Do you think he will actually help or is he just saying that to make you shut up.

 

Also I would line someone else up to help you after the surgery. Can you stay with your mom or can she come to your house?

 

what about hiring a maid or home health care worker to help out during your recovery?

[Geishawhelk]

Red, I'm sorry hun, -tough Love time - but you have got to stop making excuses for him!

He did take care of the tax form yesterday, which was great!

 

Well it's about time!!

 

I do have to sympathetic to him because he started a new schedule. For the last four years he has been on graveyard and yesterday he started day's. He did sleep for 17 hours on Monday to help adjust his sleep for the new shift, but he was still very tired yesterday.

 

A friend of mine, at weekends, is a voluntary fire officer He also holds down a job as an animal Inspector, Both jobs work around shifts, and he also has two children. His wife is blind. So don't tell him about tired, and low energy levels.

 

I was trying to talk with him about my surgery, letting him know that I found out that they screw a support brace into your head and that I will be in a ventilaztion tube. While I was telling him he was nuzzling with the cat and then while I am talking he tells me that the cat just poked him in the eye with it's nose. I stoppped talking and he didn't ask me to continue. Then he started talking about work.

 

Finally I asked him if he didn't like talking about my surgery and he said that he didn't mind but that he was really tired. Too tired to listen, but not to talk. At this point I pretty much shut down. I started to cry (silently) and I told him that maybe I needed someone else to be my advocate during this because I needed someone that would help me. He was shocked and I think offended and said he was sorry but that he just tired.

 

"I Don't care!! I have a major operation coming up, and you can damn well listen to me and help me out here, or else just walk, because I can't carry you any more, and don't see why I should! Damn your constant tiredness, what about myt constant worry? had you not noticed there are two of us here, as opposed to you - oh, and me?" Would have been my take on it.....

 

I told him Saturday that I needed him to help me more and that I know things are tough but that we both have to just give a little extra right now.

 

No.

HE has to give a little extra right now. You don't have to do anything at all.

 

I mean I truly feel like it doesn't matter if he goes with me for my surgery or not. I don't have the enegry to take care of both of us, I mean I won't have the energy to take care of myself.

Exactly. Which is why you need someone supportive and reliable, not 'Mr Sleepy-Grumpy' here.

 

I know guys are the fixers, and he can't fix me and maybe that makes him feel useless and lost.

This is a poor evaluation. Guys are not fixers. We'd like to think they are, but this is a stereotype. However, as a spouse or partner, we should be able to rely on them 100% to be there for us when the going gets tough, to give us a soft place to fall.

He;s not it. And I think that's despicable.

 

But it's too the point where I don't really want to be around him, I just want to deal with what I have to with out having to take care of anyone or anything else!

But I bet you haven't told him this, huh?

Worried about hurting his feelings and upsetting him? making him feel put upon and rejected?

The way he does with you, I mean?

 

Gosh, I just wish you'd be really angry, just for once!

 

I do have to add that I am starting my period today (I know TMI)

irrelevant. That's just an excuse. it doesn't invalidate how you feel, it just brings natural sentiments to the fore.

 

and I do get highly emotional around that time, then add the stress from the surgery and I am an emotional wreck. Hubby knows I am stressed, hopefully once he is able to get some sleep he will be more help.

 

Yes. Hopefully. Hate that word, 'hopefully'. I'd prefer to see 'certainly'.

 

But let's make sure he gets what he wants before attending to your needs.

 

Red - come on girl!! Whup his @$$!!

[redfathom]

Both my mom and sister offered to let me stay with them if I needed. The only problem is that my sister has two kids and my mom has two dogs, and noise and light will be an issue the first few days. Because of the head pain I will be extreamly sensative to both.

 

But, they did offer to come over and so did my two aunts who are both retired so I have lots of offers for help inaddition to my hubby.

 

My H is taking two weeks off to take care of me despite how I feel now, I do think he will step up to the plate for that, but I could use some help now as well as later...

 

A big part of the surgery is preping and also knowing what to expect before, during and after. All of this information I will get on the 23rd, I know it will be a lot to take in both emotionally and technically and I need someone there to take notes, ask questions, and learn what to do to help me because I will be so out of it I won't even know what day it is.

[redfathom]

I should add, I mean in addition to finding out about my Chiari, I also these past two visits found out I have a Pineal Gland Cyst and Degenerative Disk Desiese.

 

Right now I can only deal with one thing at a time. Later on in life I will need a disk fusion surgery. A co-workers husband has DDD, he also broke his spine years ago. He can't work and walks with a cane. She said basically my disks are crumbling and it's a domino effect...

 

The cyst, well I was told not to worry about it until it started to cause problems...then at that point it would require surgery to drain it (I think this surgery is much more invasive). So at 26, I have three conditions that will require very serious surgeries...thankfully I am not as bad as some people with these! But at 26 I don't know what my life will be like in the future...

 

This weekend was the first time I have cried about this since being DXed in early November, it won't be the last time...I am trying to be brave but I am scared.

 

Geisha, I do really need to have one really good angry outburst ...haha! But I need to first find out what I am really angry about. I can't take it all out on my hubby, that wouldn't be fair to him. I know he is adding to the stress, but overall I am just scared and worried about a lot of things. Maybe it's time I stopped hiding my emotions and stopped trying to be brave.

[hotgurl]

A big part of the surgery is preping and also knowing what to expect before, during and after. All of this information I will get on the 23rd, I know it will be a lot to take in both emotionally and technically and I need someone there to take notes, ask questions, and learn what to do to help me because I will be so out of it I won't even know what day it is.

 

Is your husband going to do this?

 

I think you need to be frank with him. For right now table the OW. I know you are worried about it and I wouldn't trust her either but I think it is more important to focus on what you need from him during this time.

 

BE blunt and specific. Tell you are not feeling like he is there for you etc... and you need him etc..

 

 

My aunt had brain surgery and my grandparents satyed with her for 4 weeks. She lives alone but it was helpful because right after you are so out of it and really need someone to be there just to make sure you take your meds etc..

 

Also to cook dinner and pick up precriptions. She did have horrible migraines right after the surgery and it took her a while to heel.

 

Every after she was able to get up and move around she would get tired really fast. So it also important to have some there to tell you to sit down and relax and not try to do so much.

[baker23]

Hi Red,

 

I won't say dump him because that will only bring you more heart pain and stress right now. But you do have to sit him down and clearly express how his behavior is affecting you; I understand you don't want to upset him, but he needs to know how his indifference is affecting you.

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

[hotgurl]

I should add, I mean in addition to finding out about my Chiari, I also these past two visits found out I have a Pineal Gland Cyst and Degenerative Disk Desiese.

 

Right now I can only deal with one thing at a time. Later on in life I will need a disk fusion surgery. A co-workers husband has DDD, he also broke his spine years ago. He can't work and walks with a cane. She said basically my disks are crumbling and it's a domino effect...

 

The cyst, well I was told not to worry about it until it started to cause problems...then at that point it would require surgery to drain it (I think this surgery is much more invasive). So at 26, I have three conditions that will require very serious surgeries...thankfully I am not as bad as some people with these! But at 26 I don't know what my life will be like in the future...

 

This weekend was the first time I have cried about this since being DXed in early November, it won't be the last time...I am trying to be brave but I am scared.

 

Geisha, I do really need to have one really good angry outburst ...haha! But I need to first find out what I am really angry about. I can't take it all out on my hubby, that wouldn't be fair to him. I know he is adding to the stress, but overall I am just scared and worried about a lot of things. Maybe it's time I stopped hiding my emotions and stopped trying to be brave.

 

I was really sick for a while when I was 25. And I was really angry too.

 

It help me to go to a counselor and find out how to cope with the illness the chronic pain and to feeling that I was somehow being robbed. I was so young and so sick.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I do really need to have one really good angry outburst ...haha! But I need to first find out what I am really angry about. I can't take it all out on my hubby, that wouldn't be fair to him. I know he is adding to the stress, but overall I am just scared and worried about a lot of things. Maybe it's time I stopped hiding my emotions and stopped trying to be brave.

 

This guy doesn't appreciate you.

 

This may be one of your lifes toughest moments... and he is emotionally vanished.

 

Red, you deserve better than this. He wont realize what your worth until its too late. In 10 years your going to be regretting all the time you wasted on him. He is just too self centered to be the man you need.

 

You need to walk away! If he feels your worth it... he will make the changes he needs to get you back. If you feel your worth it... you will not make that easy for him.

[marlena]

I won't say dump him because that will only bring you more heart pain and stress right now. But you do have to sit him down and clearly express how his behavior is affecting you; I understand you don't want to upset him, but he needs to know how his indifference is affecting you.

 

I agree with this. This is not the time to make life-altering decisions nor is it the time to add more stress factors in your life. Forget about your marital problems right now, get any support you can from family and friends and concentrate on YOU ONLY YOU for the next few months of your life. Grow a few selfish bones and convince yourself that YOU are the only person who matters right now in your life because it is the truth.

 

You will need all the strength of your soul to get through the hurdle ahead of you. You matter much more than your husband right now.

 

When this is all behind you, when you are fully recovered and healthy and strong, then, you can address the issues you have with your husband.

 

M

[redfathom]

Hotgurl, I hear ya. I think I need to see someone who can help me professionally...it's too much to deal with. Not knowing what to expect. I could end up in a wheel chair, at who knows at what age.

 

Hubby and I seperated in 2007 for about a month and a half because I was under too much stress and not getting enough/if any help from him. I asked myself that same question, how much of my life do I want to waste...We got back together and things were great for a few months and off and on they are great. But lately they have been bad, maybe having this added stress and added responsability has just brought it out to the fore front. Maybe before when life was simple my expectations were low and our relationship worked, but now it really doesn't. I need a partner, not someone/something else to take care of.

 

Just now we talked and I asked him to give the cat his medicine, he said: "Will you remind me later."...WTF!!!! I am at work, but if I wasn't...OMG!!! So I calmly told him to put the medicine on his night stand. He said he's just having a hard time adjusting to his schedule.

 

----oh, he's having a hard time because he now works day's ---- but or course I am not having a hard time or anything! Because I am having an easy time adjusting to my upcoming surgery and the possibility of being in a wheel chair, of losing function of my arms, of losing my eye sight, of not breathing when I sleep, or choking on my food, or constant nausea and dizziness, or black outs...all of which are a possability and some of which I deal with now.

 

Because this is all so easy for me, in fact it's so easy, that why don't you just let me do everything, why don't you even let me ask you to do something and then remind you again to do it because you are having a difficult time right now and need someone to do these things for you.

 

ARRRRGGGGGG!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Getting some form of counselling is a great idea. You need to talk to someone to keep you on the straight and narrow so you don't go falling into a pit.

 

Your H is acting and reacting like a child. He's a grown man, an adult! WTF is his problem? Seriously, I want to throw a shoe or something at his head to wake him up! He needs a big reality check!

[Geishawhelk]

Just now we talked and I asked him to give the cat his medicine, he said: "Will you remind me later."...WTF!!!! I am at work, but if I wasn't...OMG!!! So I calmly told him to put the medicine on his night stand. He said he's just having a hard time adjusting to his schedule.

 

----oh, he's having a hard time because he now works day's ---- but or course I am not having a hard time or anything! Because I am having an easy time adjusting to my upcoming surgery and the possibility of being in a wheel chair, of losing function of my arms, of losing my eye sight, of not breathing when I sleep, or choking on my food, or constant nausea and dizziness, or black outs...all of which are a possability and some of which I deal with now.

 

Because this is all so easy for me, in fact it's so easy, that why don't you just let me do everything, why don't you even let me ask you to do something and then remind you again to do it because you are having a difficult time right now and need someone to do these things for you.

 

ARRRRGGGGGG!!!!

Double AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

[hotgurl]

----oh, he's having a hard time because he now works day's ---- but or course I am not having a hard time or anything! Because I am having an easy time adjusting to my upcoming surgery and the possibility of being in a wheel chair, of losing function of my arms, of losing my eye sight, of not breathing when I sleep, or choking on my food, or constant nausea and dizziness, or black outs...all of which are a possability and some of which I deal with now.

 

Because this is all so easy for me, in fact it's so easy, that why don't you just let me do everything, why don't you even let me ask you to do something and then remind you again to do it because you are having a difficult time right now and need someone to do these things for you.

 

ARRRRGGGGGG!!!!

 

Red you need to tell him this. And ask him if he can really be there for you. Becuase you can't take care of him right now it is his turn to take care of you.

 

He sound immature and selfish frankly.

 

Couseling did help me a lot because although I was not as sick as you I was pretty ill. I couldn't work I was so angry and than I would go on these crying jags.

 

talking to someone did help me. I also to PAxil for about a year which helped even me out too.

 

But I do have to say my SO helped so much. Sometimes he did need a break so my parents would step in. Which is reasonable but basically he took over all the daily household duties for 6 months to a year.