kclay21 Posted September 21, 2003 Share Posted September 21, 2003 Recently, my live-in GF left me. We have been together for 5 years and lived together for 3 years. We also have a 3 year old child together. She left 3 weeks ago due to my complacency in the relationship that she could no longer put up with. I took for granted she would always be there. She made the statement that she loved me more than herself, and she needs time away to heal from loving me so much, and seemingly not getting love in return. As we talked more, she also now doubts my fidelity in the relationship due to me hanging out sometimes with other females and not taking her places. The last time we talked, she even said she didn't trust me anymore.... I understand what she is saying to me and what she is experiencing. At this point, how do I go about getting her back? How do I regain some trust with her while she is away? Thanks in advance for your help... kclay Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted September 21, 2003 Share Posted September 21, 2003 If you're serious about this it sounds like you need to really change your perspective on how you behave generally, how you see yourself in social relationships. If you see yourself solely as an individual and not as someone who is fundamentally connected to other people (your partner and your child) then chances are you're not going to be able to give back to her the way she needs and deserves. For example: Having close female friends who are not friends with your partner -- what's up with that? It's one thing if they're co-workers, but if you're spending after-hours time hanging out with other women when your partner isn't included, there's something wrong. Try to put yourself in her shoes for a moment. How would you feel? No no. I mean REALLY put yourself in her shoes. Don't cop out and say "well we don't do anything wrong, we just hang out" and pretend that you're seeing things from her perspective. How would you feel? What do you do around the house? What does she do? How much do you care for your child? How much does she? If you're unaccustomed to thinking about another person's perspective, and what they need and want (not what you think they should need and want) it'll be hard to do at first. But if you love her it's worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kclay21 Posted September 21, 2003 Author Share Posted September 21, 2003 Good point...I have done that. I have these last few days put myself in her shoes. I would be hurt just as she would. I would accuse her of wanting someone other than me. I know what things I did to hurt her, and I just want to change them. I am very serious about getting her back. These three weeks have made me do nothing but think. This is the person that I do want to be with for the rest o' my life. And with that I am very afraid that I may not ever get the chance to love this woman like I did before she moved in...the chance to resurrect my love for her. In short, I just got really comfortable and overly complacent, by thinking she would always be there no matter what. I would play online games, and nothing else would exist. I didn't take her out often enough, but when friends wanted to hang, I did. I practically cocooned myself from her. When we argued, I would not speak to her for days at a time. Although, I wanted to, foolish pride didn't allow me to. I could never make the transition to "I'm sorry for (add fight here)". We would just progress back into walking around the proverbial elephant in the room. Through the complacency--don't get me wrong--I love this woman, and am still in love with her. Now that I really see the error in my ways, and what it has done to this woman, I want to fix it. I know I can change, but I'm sure she doesn't believe me at this point. How can I show her that I can be the man she needs me to be? How can I regain my credibility? Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted September 21, 2003 Share Posted September 21, 2003 It sounds like you need to be active by listening to her. Why don't you start by asking to meet with her to talk? Tell her that you want to hear what she has to say. Don't go in there with any other agenda than to hear what's on her mind. Don't go expecting that when you come out of that conversation everything will be fixed, or on its way to being fixed. If she wants to know what's on your mind, tell her. Be honest and dig deep. But if she starts talking herself, you just shut up and listen -- really listen. Even if the things she's talking about seem irrelevant. And after you talk to her, show her you've been listening by acknowledging what she has said. If she has raised some issues, say "I hear you about xxx and yyy and I'm going to think about that and see what I can do to make changes." And then ask if there's anything you can do for her and/or your daughter in the meantime. In other words, be fully responsible for yourself -- don't expect her to take any steps toward you, you've gotta move your butt over to where she is. But at the same time you've got to take your cues from her, show her that you're attuned to, and care about, her. You have to do the work but you don't get to make the decisions. Panicked begging, promising blindly to change anything and everything, random gifts -- these things will not convince a woman who has learned to doubt you to start trusting you again. Careful, slow thoughtfulness and honesty is the only way you're going to be able to show her that you've become, well, thoughtful and honest. PS: a really bad move would be to tell her that her perception of something is wrong. If she feels like you don't find her attractive, for example, the way to resolve that is not to tell her she's nuts but to tell her how sorry you are that she got that impression because it's definitely not true. And then ask her how she got that impression. Talk through it with her. In the end she may actually end up thinking better of you if she realizes she was mistaken about something. But she has to see where the error lay (possibly mutual mistakes); if you just try to shut her down you won't get very far. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kclay21 Posted September 24, 2003 Author Share Posted September 24, 2003 At this point, I think I am frustrating her by trying to figure out what we are doing. I ask her are we just SEPARATED with hopes of getting back together in the future, or are we BROKEN UP with maybe a chance down the line for reconciliation. I am getting frustrated because she is being evasive about the issue, and not wanting to talk about it. In short I just want some ground rules of how to accept the separation. To help me better cope, I'm just holding on to the idea that I should just let her go, and back off. I didnt realize how hard this is to do considering that we have a child together. I think this may be my closure to the whole situation. I just need to move on. She feels that right now she needs to work on herself, and then after that maybe us. I need to cope...I need to just move on... Any other thoughts or ideas on what to do? Any means of how I can do this, but somehow let her know I want to be with her? kclay Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 24, 2003 Share Posted September 24, 2003 I think that once we have finally come to the realization that there are improvements we need to make, whether within ourselves or in our relationships, it's always best to make those changes NOW rather than waiting until we've been given that elusive second chance. Actions always speak louder than words. And while we may be able to "say" all the right things, even admit our errors and make resolutions to change, its much more difficult for many of us to take that extra step and actually DO the right thing. Hindsight is 20/20, and while mistakes can't always be avoided or undone, we are always afforded the opportunity to learn from them and grow. And none of us need to repeat the same mistake twice unless we make the conscious effort to do so. Yep, it's easy to screw up, but it's the "getting it right" that takes a lot self-determination and intestinal fortitude! But sadly, as humans we often just get too darn lazy. Comfort means "complacency" and so we inevitable stall...until life gives us another swift kick in the butt and jump-starts us again. And thank G-d for that! Live and Learn. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted September 24, 2003 Share Posted September 24, 2003 My husband and I went thru something similar. We split up a couple of times. I would suggest that you get some counseling for YOU. You might think you understand how your behavior/attitude has affected her - but do you know how it has affected you? Also, a good counselor can help you find exercises and activities that you can do to help you make your own improvements/changes if you are serious about this. It's way too easy to try and do this yourself and then fail when complacency returns. Also, going to counseling yourself with help you deal with a possible breakup, and it will also show her that you are not being complacent about making changes. Action does speak louder than words. At some point your counselor may ask you to ask her to participate too. DO something rather than talk about doing something. Once you start the counseling, you can ask her if she would be interested in dating again and start courting her. Don't think that you will ever go back to "the way it was" when you were first together and happy. You can't go back, but you can go forward and if you stay together it can be better then ever. If you choose to divorce, you will go forward with your life and have the tools to handle the emotions and be able to deal with your child's mother when you need to. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted September 24, 2003 Share Posted September 24, 2003 I think Hokey's advice is spot-on. Going though a counseling process can also help you learn to listen to other people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kclay21 Posted September 24, 2003 Author Share Posted September 24, 2003 Thanks... BTW, I AM seeking counseling, and the counselor did ask to see her in a future visit. I really want this to work out, and I consciously want to make the changes to make me a better man, to be a better man for her, and to be a better man for my daughter...if that chance should arise. What I have hurtfully realized was that regardless of the outcome, I WILL BE A BETTER MAN... for me and/or for someone else. kclay Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 24, 2003 Share Posted September 24, 2003 You're already a GOOD MAN Clay! You just have to work a little on being a happier one. Now that's the real challange...for all of us! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kclay21 Posted September 24, 2003 Author Share Posted September 24, 2003 Thanks for the encouragement, all... One way I have adopted to cope with this breakup/separation is to keep a journal. Everytime I get overwhelmed with thoughts of wanting to be with her or call her, I just write out my feelings at that particular moment. It was funny when I first started... I wrote 3 pages before I realized it. And it provides a good read for me later. I even break it out if I'm feeling bad at work. I really love this woman guys, but I have learned to accept my responsiblity for what I caused. She actually makes accusations that I am 100% the impetus for this whole breakup. She stated that she gave her all in the relationship. I will accept that, and try to change that. Right now I know she is just angry. Through her healing process maybe she will realize that it takes two to tango. There are definitely some areas she have should have some concerns about. She has to learn not to try to escape reality by not facing her problems or internalizing them, but actually speaking up at the onset. Not wait until a subsequent argument to "reveal" what has been on her mind for days or weeks on end, when they become contemptuos, startling, and resentful. I HOPE someday I can look back and say, "Wow, we really stuck it out! Look at us now...". I HOPE this space she needs to heal makes her stronger for the relationship, and gives her courage to come back. I HOPE it makes her realize that she still loves me, and I, her. HOPEfully by backing off, will help her get her mind straight to the point that she believes we can work this out. I HOPE it doesn't make her feel that she gave me a chance and that she must move on, because I know I WILL CHANGE! Sometimes you just can't discount 5 years and a lovely daughter from the union as just the past. Fudge!!!!! I LOVE THIS WOMAN! I hope... ---------- kclay Link to post Share on other sites
Author kclay21 Posted September 28, 2003 Author Share Posted September 28, 2003 I know I'm over-reacting, but... why does this seem to not affect her, the way it is affecting me? It is like she has moved on. She says it is hard for her too, but I just don't see it. We actually had a good talk, and she made the statement "I love you, but I don't know how to love you anymore...I don't know how to start." I can't really interpret this. I think I know what she means. I told her that she does know how to love me. She needs to be with me and see that I truly have changed and committed to giving her what she needs, and that I will continue that forever. Anybody got any advice on what I need to do in this situation? She also asked me "How can the one that hurt you, heal you?". The answer I gave was that I can give her the love she needs and wants from me...I can give her the reciprocity that she is seeking. Right now she isn't receptive to that. Does anyone have any advice on this? I'm sorry if it seems I am rambling, but my mind is a jumbled mess right now. I am not sleeping and I am not eating. This is killing me on the inside. I fear she is using an emotional filibuster. Hoping one day I won't ask her to get back anymore... kclay Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 28, 2003 Share Posted September 28, 2003 She also asked me "How can the one that hurt you, heal you?". The answer I gave was that I can give her the love she needs and wants from me...I can give her the reciprocity that she is seeking. Right now she isn't receptive to that. Does anyone have any advice on this? This is a cautionary tale to others who are taking their partners for granted and not hearing them when they ask for change. You don't need an egregious wrong to kill a relationship. Many small ones will do the trick just as well. You can get to a point where you have caused too much hurt to be able to repair it. This happened to me in my last relationship. I understood where he was coming from and that his issues caused him to be hurtful, but after so many instances, my heart shut down and, try as I might, I could not recapture the feelings I'd once had for him. Someone once called this 'death by a thousand cuts'. Every wound inflicted in a relationship can go towards killing it. Couples split with one not knowing why the other person can't go on; often it's that the many 'small' wounds over time all added up to one crushing blow. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted September 28, 2003 Share Posted September 28, 2003 but I think that if I were in her shoes, I would be looking for evidence that you really have turned over a new leaf, and that you care and want it to work, so that you are willing to go to extraordinary lengths to prove yourself. I suggested earlier that blindly over-reacting with random gifts and unrealistic promises wouldn't be very convincing; and I still think that's true. But if you've been doing a lot of hard thinking, made new discoveries, started counseling, etc. then maybe you're at a point where you can start to address the damage you've done to her. You might try to show her that you really do understand where her hurt came from by talking about specific things that you did, times that you hurt her, and show her that a) at the time you simply didn't realize what you were doing, and b) you see now how very wrong you were and you would never make a similar mistake again. Also flowers and other romantic gestures wouldn't hurt -- just be sure you don't rely on them to do all the hard work for you. They're gestures -- and surely you would like to make nice gestures to the woman you love. It sounds like she needs some romancing, in addition to space and respect. You're going to have to make repeated overtures to her. That shouldn't surprise you, remember that you rejected and neglected her repeatedly, over the course of many years. It's going to take time and patience. But if you love her as you say, then surely she's worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kclay21 Posted September 28, 2003 Author Share Posted September 28, 2003 It is very hard to imagine myself without her. Maybe when she attends one of my counseling sessions, it will have an impact on all this...maybe... God, give me the endurance and strength to withstand the hurt in my heart... kclay Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted September 28, 2003 Share Posted September 28, 2003 Don't make this about yourself and the hurt in YOUR heart. If I understand you correctly, you're hurting at the thought of the hurt you've caused her, and the loss of her that you're feeling. While that's all well and good, don't make the mistake of getting wrapped up in your own melodrama. I raise this only because I've known some penitent people who have taken that route... not to good effect. I hope you will have the patience and strength you'll need to get through this. I hope you'll soon find a space to forgive yourself for your past behavior -- even if your ex(?) hasn't forgiven you. If you have realized the error of your ways and know that you won't be repeating the same mistakes, you deserve to cut yourself some slack. No one is perfect. If your gf can't see that, then she's got her own troubling issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kclay21 Posted September 28, 2003 Author Share Posted September 28, 2003 Yes...I am truly sorry for hurting her, but I also hurt for the loss. I have come to terms with what I caused, and I understand what she went through. Although, I have made concious efforts to change, and am willing to remain changed. I KNOW I will never repeat the mistake that I previously did. I just don't know how to show her I've changed without crowding her space. Today's example... I stopped by her parents to see my daughter, thinking she was at work. When I got there I saw her car and I totally freaked out... my heart started beating fast, and I got nervous. After that, I could only stay for a few minutes. I did hug and kiss my daughter and said hello to her family. They saw how uncomfortable I got. I explained it to her mother and she said she understood, but my GF(?) was obviously disturbed by what happened in my demeanor. I could hear it in her voice, but she said she wasn't upset with me. She made the statement that it was unfair to our daughter and her family. I apologized, but I didn't know what to do... I didn't know how to act... kclay Link to post Share on other sites
Author kclay21 Posted October 2, 2003 Author Share Posted October 2, 2003 Im very confused now. We were were having a text message conversation about us when out of the blue she mentions that she misses sex with me. It has been two months since we last had sex. She says she wants to do it with me, but it will cause complications. In subsequent msgs, however, she states that we will another time. She says that I should relax and wait- that it won't kill me... What complications? Don't the thoughts cause complications also? What kind of complications...? Honestly, I don't want to have sex. I want her home, so I can put all my mistakes behind us, and start our relationship and family over! I just don't understand why she is saying this stuff to me, knowing how I feel about wanting to be with her...The mixed signals are killing me. Wait...it will cause complications...I want too but I will wait....sex causes complications... What the heck?!!!!! kclay Link to post Share on other sites
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