LDR Dutch Women Wants me to marry in 2 yrs

[thromback]

Hey guys,

 

I've been dating this girl for about 9 months. We get along great. I have been fighting with her because I feel like there may be no future. The relationship was normal for five months. I broke up with her last night because she wanted me to marry her in two years, so she could get her citizenship in America. I do not think she is with me just to get citizenship, but she is 2 years older than me, and she is turning 22 in May. I won't be 20 until July. I don't think I would be ready to marry somebody until I was 25 at the youngest age. I am going to be graduating from college in two years and I really do care a lot about this girl, but she said that she just wants to move in and live with me. She said that if I wanted to move to europe that would be fine with her too. We would be dating for about 3 years then and we really get along great, but I'm just a little skepticle. Even in two years I would be because I don't think I would be ready for marriage. Does this sound shady to anybody or am I just being paranoid? (btw she flew and saw me twice already)

[jerbear]

I don't think it is shady. I think you are just paranoid. When it comes to marriage and immigration, Western European countries are more concerned about immigration in not out. The US is more concerned about Eastern European immigration versus Western European.

 

I would say you two are still young and honestly 22 and you being 20 is still young. Life stage, you're still in college and you have not finished that part yet. Another part is getting a job after graduation. Once you graduate college and get a job, you'll be in a better position to figure out life. Right now there are to many variables.

 

If you don't see a future, then it is ok to break up. Being in an LDR, you in college, and the distance; the relationship is not 100% complete. It is like you have a emotional bond but no physical bond. After two years, your life path will change because of an improving economy, graduated college, first job.

 

I lean toward keeping the friendship but not LDR part; go out and enjoy the local life a little. After college, then reevaluate the relationship.

[thromback]

hey dude thanks for responding so fast. I was kind of thinking that in a way. I think the thing is she is extremly independent she has traveled to 9 countries alone and lived by herself. I am a bit similar because I stayed away from home for a year and live on my own and worked 50 hours a week while in school. I will probably talk it over with her, but I think you have some really nice points thank you

[D-Lish]

I think that's putting a huge amount of pressure on the relationship!

You're far too young to be thinking about getting married.

 

You guys don't even know what it's like to spend a lot of time together...

Which is an important part in wanting to get married.

 

I think I'd feel pushed into a corner if someone gave me this kind of ultimatem. If you agree... essentially you're engaged- you have a date with the alter in two years.

[thromback]

hey ur preaching to the choir, i dont want to be married until im 30.

[D-Lish]

hey ur preaching to the choir, i dont want to be married until im 30.

 

lol... you said maybe 25 before.

 

So what are you going to do?

[thromback]

Well I'm talking to her tomorrow I'd like to stay friends, but there's no point in dating her anymore shes really cool and i like her and everything, but seriously let's get realistic. I'm not getting married when I'm 21 for anybody but me.

[jerbear]

lol... you said maybe 25 before.

 

So what are you going to do?

 

I'll suggest a new age, how about 27.5?

 

Split the 30 and 25 difference.

[thromback]

dude maybe ill just be a stay at home dad or hit on girls when im 50 eithier way works for me, jk. idk man well see what happends there im an idiot for even considering thinking about it even though i was leaning towards no. Thank god u guys talked some sense into me

[D-Lish]

I think you would have come to the conclusion quickly on your own.

 

Honestly- I barely remember the dude I dated from 18-21!

[thromback]

I'd like to add the only reason she wants marriage is so she can live in America. If it wasn't for the citizenship thing, then she wouldn't want to get married, just move in with me or live close to me.

[jerbear]

I still say keep your options open, you are still in college and have not experienced post-college and the first job experience.

 

Keep her as a friend and if she wants to move to the states, you have a friend. I personally think Europe would be more fun but I think for her it is the case of the grass is greener on the other side.

[TMichaels]

I'd like to add the only reason she wants marriage is so she can live in America. If it wasn't for the citizenship thing, then she wouldn't want to get married, just move in with me or live close to me.

 

Do you/she know that she can visit the U.S. for up to three months at a time on a simple Tourist Visa?

 

I agree with the others (and you!) that's it's too soon in your relationship and also in your life to think about marriage, but if you want to keep your options open and get a better idea about whether you want to pursue this relationship for the long term, why doesn't she come for a visit during the summer months when you probably both are off from school?

 

On a different topic...

 

Just curious about your "visiting arrangements." From what you wrote she came to visit you twice, right? Did she pay for her trip/s? Whose idea was it that she visit? How come you haven't visited her?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[thromback]

She said if we don't date then she can't be friends with me. She can't get a tourist visa because she already used one I think. She interned in the states for 9 months (thats how I met her). I paid for the second one completely. she paid for the first one, but I paid for basically everything and I'm flying to see her in June. She said its unfair to other guys if shes going to be thinking about me for two years and I wouldnt be able to talk to her anymore because she "likes me too much". I said I would consider marriage when I turned 24 (after I get my MBA). I just think she ay be holding on so hard just to get citizenship, but I'm not sure.

 

Do you/she know that she can visit the U.S. for up to three months at a time on a simple Tourist Visa?

 

I agree with the others (and you!) that's it's too soon in your relationship and also in your life to think about marriage, but if you want to keep your options open and get a better idea about whether you want to pursue this relationship for the long term, why doesn't she come for a visit during the summer months when you probably both are off from school?

 

On a different topic...

 

Just curious about your "visiting arrangements." From what you wrote she came to visit you twice, right? Did she pay for her trip/s? Whose idea was it that she visit? How come you haven't visited her?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Jo78]

Ok, thromback, here are some immigration facts for you.

 

1. Marrying you does NOT grant her citizenship. It is a long way from marrying a US citizen to becoming one.

 

2. She spent 9 months in the States, not too long ago I assume. So chances are that immigration officers at the airport decide she's here too often/too long and send her back to Europe on the next available flight (possibly after a night in jail). This is not set in stone, but a possibility. It happens. It would be pretty likely that she'd get into Secondary Inspection, where they interrogate you, search all your luggage and treat you like a criminal, when all you want to do is to visit someone in the US. I would be worried about that if I were her, too.

 

If you don't want to get married, then don't marry her just for the green card, especially given your young age. That's disaster waiting to happen.

 

But do understand, the US has very strict immigration policies (yes, also for Western Europeans). You can't just come here and live and work here.

So her wish to marry so you can be together is not a completely unreasonable idea. Don't insinuate that she's just using you to get citizenship. That's pretty unfair if the girl is just looking for a way to be with you.

[TMichaels]

Firstly, I know you said she is a couple of years older than you, but TBH, *you* sound light years ahead of her in the maturity department. Sorry, but she sounds awfully immature from what you've written -- but all that aside...

 

She said if we don't date then she can't be friends with me.

 

I guess I am confused about this comment. What's her definition of "dating?" If it's being within close physical proximity of her SO, then I don't understand why she's even trying to sustain a LDR with you. The two of you *aren't* on the same hemispheres, and can't be except for short visits -- at least not for a long time yet.

 

Any relationship is about compromise -- even LDR ones. If she really thinks there's a future for the two of you, then she will wait and allow you to get your own life in order. If she's in a rush to get on with her life and you won't/can't accomodate "her timeline," then you both might as well part ways right now.

 

I paid for the second one completely. she paid for the first one, but I paid for basically everything and I'm flying to see her in June.

 

Okay, good - I'm glad to hear that, because the way you first phrased it it sounded like she had paid to come see you both times, which sounded like she was "doing all the work" and forcing herself on you. Always good when you approach this as "partners" as much as you can...

 

She can't get a tourist visa because she already used one I think. She interned in the states for 9 months (thats how I met her).

 

She spent 9 months in the States, not too long ago I assume. So chances are that immigration officers at the airport decide she's here too often/too long and send her back to Europe on the next available flight (possibly after a night in jail).

 

Generally, the rule of thumb is that in any given year you have to spend more time *out* of the U.S. than in. IOW, if you stay in the U.S. more than 183 days a year in the U.S. your time there is in excess of 50% which is a no-no.

 

There are exceptions to that rule (i.e. students or others on work permits), however, once an extended approved stay has been completed, as Jo78 has indicated, you will not be able to return to the U.S. until enough time has elapsed so to not violate the "more time out than in" rule.

 

As Jo78 also mentioned, have you and/or your g/f really done any research about immigration issues (whether in Holland or the U.S.)? Even if you were to marry, that *does not* mean your spouse automatically becomes a citizen.

 

In fact, even if *you do* marry, do you understand she can not come to the U.S. to live with you as man/wife without going through a lengthy spouse visa application/approval process? It's not unheard of that the wait can be several years. In the meantime, you could go see her, but she would be unable to visit you in the U.S. as she has a visa application in process.

 

You and your g/f can Google all this to get a better sense of what you're up against. You can also search these forums as there are a few on the site that have been struggling with spousal immigration issues -- Island Girl is one. If you read her posts you can get a good idea of the frustration and level of committment such a journey requires.

 

I guess what I am saying is that before the two of you get your knickers any more in a twist than they are already about whether in two years you'll marry, you'd best educate yourselves on what it's going to take to be together as husband and wife.

 

Right now, do you two love each other *that much* where you'd be willing to make that sort of long-term committment? My guess is probably not at this stage as your relationship is relatively young.

 

So, you have two choices, really. Call it off right now, or come to a mutual realization that this "getting married and living together stuff" is a bit more complicated than you first thought and if it's going to happen, BOTH of you need more time to decide whether there's something between you good enough to make it worth the wait, and worth your while.

 

Best of luck to you...

 

TMichaels

[Eilonwy]

It's not unheard of that the wait can be several years. In the meantime, you could go see her, but she would be unable to visit you in the U.S. as she has a visa application in process.

Hmm, where did you get this info from? Do you know if it's the same for other countries? Can one never go there even for a short trip while an application is going? That seems utterly horrible.

[TMichaels]

Hmm, where did you get this info from? Do you know if it's the same for other countries? Can one never go there even for a short trip while an application is going? That seems utterly horrible.

 

Elionwy,

 

Yes, each country has it's own laws and processes regarding immigration, but the process is rarely cheap, quick or simple. That's why so many multi-national couples engage an immigration attorney or sometimes two -- one in each spouse's respective countries -- in an effort to get things sorted out and keep the process moving.

 

If you're a U.S. resident and you plan to marry someone who's not, there are pros and cons of getting married in the U.S. vs. the home country of your SO as well as going the fiancee' visa vs. the spousal visa route if the two of you want to reside permanently together in the U.S.

 

All of those options and pros and cons need to weighed carefully and considered given the couple's individual circumstances. *If* for example, your alien fiancee/spouse is already with you in the U.S., and has filed for permanent residency, he/she cannot return to his/her home country (even for a quick or emergency visit), without running the risk of not being let back in.

That's why so many couples where only one spouse is a U.S. resident and the plan is for the couple to reside in the U.S. permanently decide to get married and then return to their home countries to file and wait out the U.S. visa/application process. It gives the alien spouse the ability to deal with family or business issues back home without running afoul of the U.S. Immigration folks while the USCIS slogs through processing of his/her application which could take several years.

 

In the meantime, the U.S. resident spouse is free to visit his/her spouse in his/her home country (usually up to 90 days at a time), so all is not lost, but it does take the meaning of a LDR to a whole new level. Just when you thought the two of you "were one," you're not -- at least in the eyes of the USCIS.

 

A couple of posters here (Island Girl and Krisa come to mind off the top of my head) have written about their on-going experiences and frustrations of marrying a non- U.S. resident and going through the immigration application process. You might want to search the forums to learn more.

 

Regardless, hope this additional information is helpful to you as well as the OP.

 

All the best,

TMichaels

[Eilonwy]

Thank you very much for the information, TMichaels. While neither me or my SO live in the USA, he is from Canada, and I suspect that the rules there are quite similar. We don't have any marriage plans yet (though it has crossed our minds in relation to immigration), I want to spend an extended time over there, though... and I can already tell that is going to have more drawbacks than I thought.

 

Anyway, thanks again!

[thromback]

Here's an update. I broke up with her, so we could still be friends. She said (as stated before), she would have to forget about me altogether. I'm not argunig with any of you I'm on the same page as all of you, but she is not. She said she would get jealous if other people were with me and its not fair to the guys shes seeing if shes going to be thinking about me. We are dating right now, but I'm kind of trying to transition into being friends and still talking (because honestly, whats the difference at this point?). She said that all I care about then is having sex with other women and got all angry. I really think I may just have to call it quits because she is being stubborn. I looked into that marriage thing too I told her it's a lengthy process and I'm not ready financially or emotionally to get married because I am only 19. I also said that all of the ldr problems won't magically disappear, rather new problems will occur. Any input?

[Jo78]

Here's an update. I broke up with her,

 

We are dating right now, but I'm kind of trying to transition into being friends and still talking

I'm confused. Which one is it?

 

 

I looked into that marriage thing too I told her it's a lengthy process and I'm not ready financially or emotionally to get married because I am only 19. I also said that all of the ldr problems won't magically disappear, rather new problems will occur. Any input?

You made the right choice. You are not ready for marriage and there seems to be no chance for you to live in the same place any time soon.

[Jo78]

*If* for example, your alien fiancee/spouse is already with you in the U.S., and has filed for permanent residency, he/she cannot return to his/her home country (even for a quick or emergency visit), without running the risk of not being let back in.

That's why so many couples where only one spouse is a U.S. resident and the plan is for the couple to reside in the U.S. permanently decide to get married and then return to their home countries to file and wait out the U.S. visa/application process. It gives the alien spouse the ability to deal with family or business issues back home without running afoul of the U.S. Immigration folks while the USCIS slogs through processing of his/her application which could take several years.

Really? That surprises me.

I know more couples who preferred to do AOS in the States and applied for Advanced Parole. This way, at least they can be together. AP and EAD do not take forever. There is usually no problem in getting back in with AP.

And K3, IR1 and CR1 can take a while, too.

[Joyvke]

Not that it matters if she's Dutch or whatever. I do think it's kinda scary she said she wants to marry within 2 years. Surely there's other ways to become an US citizen.

kind of trying to transition into being friends and still talking (because honestly, whats the difference at this point?)

 

Although I haven't dated the guy I liked I did express my feelings alot of the time. It will not be the same knowing he always likes the emotional rollercoasters over me for example. That's why I couldn't transition in only friends. It might be "just" talking to you, but it's really different if there's feelings involved. So yeah, might be best for her sake to just stop talking altogether.

[TMichaels]

Really? That surprises me.

I know more couples who preferred to do AOS in the States and applied for Advanced Parole. This way, at least they can be together. AP and EAD do not take forever. There is usually no problem in getting back in with AP.

And K3, IR1 and CR1 can take a while, too.

 

 

Jo78,

 

Click on the link provided in my earlier post. Some people may have had no problems getting back in with Advance Parole in place, but many do. All depends on your situation, which is why it's best to engage an immigration attorney to advise you.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Jo78]

Jo78,

 

Click on the link provided in my earlier post. Some people may have had no problems getting back in with Advance Parole in place, but many do. All depends on your situation, which is why it's best to engage an immigration attorney to advise you.

 

Best,

TMichaels

I read it. The link mentions problems with readmission to the US under AP only for those who had no lawful status before filing AOS.

 

I was referring to people who had a valid I-94 or I-94W when they filed AOS. Never a problem with getting back in for these folks.

 

Of course, if you marry as an illegal alien, you definitely need a lawyer and should stay in the country until you receive your green card. Even getting the petition approved can be difficult then. But then again, I would not recommend overstaying your visa to begin with.