Amber13 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I have never posted anything on a forum before. I am really looking for some advice and guidance. I have tried therapy, but I don't think I have had a good therapist the few times that I have tried. Or maybe I just don't like what they have to say. My husband and I married 2 years ago and have been together for about 6. We have gone through a lot together. A lot of stressful stuff back to back. During that time I gained a lot of weight. 80lbs. I know. It really sucks. You would think at this point that I would say that I am sad because my husband is not attracted to me, but it is the other way around. I have no idea what the heck is wrong with me. He is so funny and nice and devoted and loyal. I am really lucky. Our sex life has never really been the best for me. He is completely satisfied. The only thing that he is not satisfied with is that he can not satisfy me. Sex was not one of the top reasons why I married him, but I was never unattracted to him. It just wasn't intense like I had experienced in the past. But I had such a strong sex drive that I thought I would be fine. But now, the sex drive is gone and I don't want anything to do with sex or kissing or touching intimately. I hate it. I don't fantasize about other men. I don't know if that is because I am loyal or if I just have completely lost my sex drive altogether. I am so lost and sad. I think it is affecting me even more than I realize. I am finding that I pick fights with him often and want to leave often. But when I get over it - I am so glad that we are still together and know that I am lucky to have him. What do I do? Where do I start to figure out what all this means? I don't like feeling this way. I wish I could just go through with the act of it like I have been for the last 1.5 years just to satisfy him. Now I don't even want to be touched and find myself even wanting to say - let's just get this over with. I am afraid that is going to slip out because I am thinking it so clearly and strongly. What's wrong with me? Could it be medical? The weight? Stress? Or that we shouldn't be together. Please help if you can. I need to hear if this is common, normal, very abnormal etc... Thank you in advance for your help!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Haruka Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Hi Amber, I read your thread and I think it could be stress or medical. You never stated how old you were. In some cases there is the condition of menopause which is known to cause little to no sex drive. That is the reason I asked you age. I think that you might need to see your doctor. If your middle age or younger you could have a young set of Menopause. Your husband most love you dearly after all you have been together for 6 years. Have you discussed this with him? I am sure he understands to a point. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 A simple blood test will tell you if it's physical. Many things affect hormone levels, such as pregnency. Go to your physician, tell he or she whats going on, and get a blood test. Hormone levels can be treated with medication. If your problem is mental or emotional, then therapy and counseling can work miracles. But, you have to be 100% committed or you're wasting your time. Have you told your husband how you feel? If he loves you he will help you through this. It speaks volumes for you that you see and recognize this as being a problem. My wife for the longest time didn't see it that way until I finally told her I will not stay committed to a loveless/sexless marriage. I told her it IS a MAJOR problem with our relationship, and unless she does something to fix this, then I could not stay committed to a physically cold person. A simple blood test showed her hormones were way out of wack, due to her recently pregency. A couple weeks on meds changed things dramatically. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 It's one thing to lose libido but completely another to lose the desire for physical comfort and expressions of love and intimacy. My first instinct is that you're projecting your own self-loathing onto your H and finding that image unattractive. What a vicious circle. Find a good psychologist and have your H join you. Work on it together. That's what being married is about Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Sexual tendancies fluxuate in any marriage. One month, you don't even want to touch him or her, but the next month, (or month after) you can't get enough.....it's perfectly normal and I wouldn't be too worried about it. Worrying over it is not only just a waste of time, it could wind up causing more grief than anything.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 It's one thing to lose libido but completely another to lose the desire for physical comfort and expressions of love and intimacy. My first instinct is that you're projecting your own self-loathing onto your H and finding that image unattractive. What a vicious circle. I agree 100% as this was a factor in my marriage when my wife gained some weight. Amber13, how do YOU feel about your weight gain and its impact on your own sensuality and attitude towards your sex life? Also, is the 80lb gain just in the last 2 years? If true, it would seem that there could simply be some health and hormone issues based on that alone. What does your doctor say? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 What's wrong with me? Could it be medical? The weight? Stress? Or that we shouldn't be together. Please help if you can. I need to hear if this is common, normal, very abnormal etc... Thank you in advance for your help!!!!! It sounds to me like your self esteem is lower due to the weight gain, but I would say that the vast majority of the issue is that you simply resent your husbands inability to please you. What is the issue? Does he just not take the time? Does he have issues with his equipment? Link to post Share on other sites
blackbird Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Have you had your thyroid checked out? Common symptoms of thyroid disease are weight gain and loss of sex drive. Depression too. Check out other symptoms here: http://www.armourthyroid.com/hypothyroidism/symptoms.html and talk to your doctor about it? Link to post Share on other sites
tomswife Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 It sounds like depression and moodswing. Your health needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amber13 Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 Wow! For my first time posting on a forum, what a nice experience!!! I really appreciate all of the level headed feed back. I agree 100% as this was a factor in my marriage when my wife gained some weight. Amber13, how do YOU feel about your weight gain and its impact on your own sensuality and attitude towards your sex life? Also, is the 80lb gain just in the last 2 years? If true, it would seem that there could simply be some health and hormone issues based on that alone. What does your doctor say? I have had my blood work done up and down. They found a few things like a cyst on my pituitary gland elevating my prolachtin levels, PCOS and a vitamin D deficiency. 80lbs in two years is a lot, and I think it is a combination of a lot of stress and big life changes in such a short amount of time. I have always worked out and eaten pretty well, but I guess not good enough! It sounds to me like your self esteem is lower due to the weight gain, but I would say that the vast majority of the issue is that you simply resent your husbands inability to please you. What is the issue? Does he just not take the time? Does he have issues with his equipment? My self-esteem is shot, and I do think I feel a little resentful of him not being able to "take care of me" in bed. He can not seem to prolong the inevitable for himself. It is very frustrating for both of us. It is hard when you are not feeling attracted or attractive and are not sure if it is medical, him, not being with the right person, me, depression ???? It is overwhelming to try to figure it out. It sounds like depression and moodswing. Your health needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. I have been to a therapist, but have not felt that they got it or really cared I guess. It feels like the people that have replied to this post care more than the therapist did. Where to go from here? How do you know if you are still in love? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Where to go from here? How do you know if you are still in love? I think you work on taking care of yourself and your health. Everything else will fall into place... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amber13 Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 Thank you for your words of encouragement and support! Link to post Share on other sites
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 There are testosterone injection for women who have low sex drive. You need to lose weight so you feel more attractive. You'll drive him away if you don't do something. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Pacman Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I have been reading these forums for a while now, and haven't joined until I read your story. I totally sympathize with you. I have been going through a similar situation with my husband. We have been through the whole gammit: therapy, medicine, being totally honest with each other, compromise, giving space, etc... Everyone I talk to about this seems to think that we're simply too opposite, but that's not enough. I need explanation just like you. I know that I am not attracted to him anymore. I don't know what's changed. I'm convinced that I am not marriage material, and that marrying him was a selfish desicion on my part. He seems to love me no matter what, and I keep pushing him further away. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Sorry I don't have any advice for you since everything we've tried hasn't seemed to work, but if you find something, please let us know (I'm sure you and I are not the only ones in this situation). Thanks for sharing your story, and I really hope the best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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