Accepting faults

[Lauriebell82]

Wow!

 

Okay I read a lot of stuff here. Sb pointed out that I don't always post about the good times so here we go...

 

We have so much fun together when we are playing sports or playing board games (we are kind of dorks!) together. We enjoy just relaxing and watching tv, going out to dinner, going to the movies, even renting movies. We like playing PS2 together and sitting down and eating dinner.

 

I know I posted my BF doing some "jerk like things" but he does nice things for me as well. I took care of him when he was sick for like a week. I came home from work one day and he had gone to get a bunch of our pictures developed from the digital camera. He photoshopped them and put them into frames and hung them on our wall. I've been talking about doing that for a long time and he was so sweet and did that to surprise me and make me happy. Those are the kinds of things I love about him.

 

You all gave me some really great advice and I really appreciate it. I think it was a few people who wrote concerns regarding whether or not I'm doing this in order for him to marry me. That sounds terrible when I think about it. As hard as it will be, I'm taking marriage off the table right now. That is no longer my goal. I am going to do NC with it and push it out of my mind. I think that is the only way I can really make my relationship work without having an alterior motive. I'll probably be happier too.

 

Response to SG: Neither of us are only children, I have one younger sister who is 22 and he has a younger brother (23) and an older sister (29). His older sister is married and has 2 young sons, as well as one on the way. It makes me feel good to see him with his newphews, he's going to make a real good dad someday.

 

Oh, and cooking wasn't all that bad actually! It looks pretty easy. BF/marriage or not I really should learn how to cook. Heating microwaveble stuff up all the time can't be all that healthy.

[Lishy]

LB, the most sensible thing you have said is that you are going to forget about getting married and just enjoy your relationship.

 

In my eyes I see you (solely from your postings here) as being a sweet and kind girl who has huge insecurities and tends to overthink every detail regarding your boyfriend. He seems to be a nice young guy who loves you alot and yet he seems much more immature than his years and a tad clueless in how to deal with you. You seem to have to pin him down to sort things out and I guess that comes with immaturity.

 

In my eyes you have the sort of relationship that works well when you are together 24/7 and not so well when you do seperate things.

 

I think he feels a huge burden over his head as he knows how much you want to get married and he doesnt want this at this moment, rather then tell you this and risk losing you, he decides to jolly you along and hope you stick around.

 

Now you have decided to forget about marriage you may notice a huge difference in how your relationship pans out. He will feel less stressed and YOU will chill the hell out and be yourself and not some girl who checks his pc to see if he is looking for rings.

 

You need to take off the rose tinted glasses and see it all for what it is, whatever that may be!

 

x

[JamesM]

LB, no matter which guy you end up with, and no matter which woman he ends up with, there are going to be areas where you disagree, have incompatibilities, find each other's habits annoying, etc. That's because you are two separate people, and there's no way to be exactly in sync on everything, especially when you first move in together.

 

 

Which is one reason why I don't recommend living together before marriage. This kind of stuff is details you can work out, AFTER you are committed to each other in marriage. If he brought up this stuff about cooking and cleaning AFTER you married, I doubt you would be so upset about it. Then, it's just part of adjusting to marriage and living together as a couple. But NOW, it's a test. Meet his desires, and maybe you'll be good enough to for him to marry you.

 

 

Outstanding posts, NJ! Agree with every bit of it.

 

 

No way, Jose. Anything that's a problem NOW is a problem ten-fold AFTER you get married. No way in the world should you wait until then to see if this bothers you as much or if it bothers him as much, etc...of course it will, in SPADES, I daresay. Almost anyone who has been married pretty much would agree with that.

 

Sorry, but now IS a test. Now IS not only how it will be when you're married but not even as "good." It's really true.

 

 

I am of the almost. My wife and I have survived...and thrived...for almost 19 years of marriage, and I know that if for the first two we had lived together, then I doubt we would be where we are today. We are both somewhat independent and strong willed, so when we butted heads we were both right. Since the door of commitment had been closed by both of us, we knew we were going to make it work. And we have. Looking back at what we thought were big issues are now simply bumps on the highway of love. Even the issues of today are looked at as something that we can solve together.

 

From my experiences in my small part of the world, living together in no way guarantees a longer marriage.

 

As NJ said, it becomes an audition for marriage. IF we waited until the perfect partner came along, then we would never be married. Acceptance of our weaknesses can take place after marriage as well.

 

IMO too many people do not really date properly and that is one of the bigger reasons why people don't stay married.

 

I am not ready to write LB and Mr. LB off just yet. I think they are growing together. Neither of them are perfect, and I don't know if they will last the distance. They have a wee way to go yet though.

 

You have already gained some wisdom from marriage, sb! I agree with you. Well said.

 

Now if when we meet on the Spirituality Board, I can convince you of some other truths....

 

Laurie, don't quit based on posts on LS. While I think your relationship has problems, I think they are magnified because you are so afraid he will never marry you. On the flip side, HE know that you are pressuring him to marry you, so he is looking at you under a microscope, and no person could pass such a scrutiny.

 

Again, relax and enjoy your relationship. If after the next four months you feel this is going no where, then decide if marriage is more important than your BF.

 

Ironically, if you called his bluff and left, the likelihood is that he may run after you and realize what he has lost.

 

Lishy made an interesting statement yesterday. She said that this is a hard relationship and she even feels as if she is a part of it. So do I.

 

We are a part of your relationship, Laurie, thanks to you letting us in your life. We are on your side and wish you the best. From what I can read, most everyone here is trying to give you advice which will make things better for you.

[JamesM]

LB, the most sensible thing you have said is that you are going to forget about getting married and just enjoy your relationship.

 

 

 

I think he feels a huge burden over his head as he knows how much you want to get married and he doesnt want this at this moment, rather then tell you this and risk losing you, he decides to jolly you along and hope you stick around.

 

 

Great post, Lishy!

 

Curious question...do we think Laurie can set aside her overwhelming desire for marriage?

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks Lishy for your great post! You made a lot of great points. Taking marriage off the table is not going to be easy. I didn't even realize how much I thought about it! I'm pushing the thoughts out of my head and trying to tell myself to think about something else, like work. It's worked a little so far, man it's so hard! Such a terrible habit. I'm going to try not to think about the lease either. I read the lease contract and it says we have to sign it 30 days prior to our contract ending (which would be April 31st). My mom says to talk to him about it before the lease ends, but I don't know about that..if he knows I'm thinking about moving out he'll be so upset/mad. That gives me 3 months to relax and forget about this all. I hope I can do that.

[Lauriebell82]

Great post, Lishy!

 

Curious question...do we think Laurie can set aside her overwhelming desire for marriage?

 

I really hope I can!!! It's like a freaking addiction! I am trying to take tools that I teach my clients and apply it to the situation. I have some coping strategies in my head, such as when I think about marriage I need to think about something else. Or think to myself that obsessing about marriage is putting my relationship at risk.

 

This is going to be very hard, but I can do it. Im determined to make myself happy and this is what I have to do to get there.

[Lishy]

LB, I think that your obsession with marriage has hindered this relationship, I (and many others) have said this to you many times and finally you have opened your eyes to it, I am over the moon!

 

I think you should start a brand new thread on how to deal with this obsession as I know you will flourish and see everything in a new light. You first have to be honest with yourself and work out why you are so obsessed hon.

 

Start a new thread, you will get lots of help I am sure

 

x

[Lishy]

Great post, Lishy!

 

Curious question...do we think Laurie can set aside her overwhelming desire for marriage?

 

She could if she worked out why she feels that marriage is the thing she desires above and beyond everything!

 

James I think you, above most, have been on LB's side and given her sound advice every step of her journey with her BF. I think she should start a new thread asking for help and being open to what is said to her, do you agree?

[JamesM]

 

James I think you, above most, have been on LB's side and given her sound advice every step of her journey with her BF. I think she should start a new thread asking for help and being open to what is said to her, do you agree?

 

Thank you.

 

Yes.

[Lauriebell82]

I am of the almost. My wife and I have survived...and thrived...for almost 19 years of marriage, and I know that if for the first two we had lived together, then I doubt we would be where we are today. We are both somewhat independent and strong willed, so when we butted heads we were both right. Since the door of commitment had been closed by both of us, we knew we were going to make it work. And we have. Looking back at what we thought were big issues are now simply bumps on the highway of love. Even the issues of today are looked at as something that we can solve together.

 

From my experiences in my small part of the world, living together in no way guarantees a longer marriage.

 

As NJ said, it becomes an audition for marriage. IF we waited until the perfect partner came along, then we would never be married. Acceptance of our weaknesses can take place after marriage as well.

 

Moving in together was not a "test" for me. We have had a lot of "sleep overs." When I was home for one Christmas break I spent 3 weeks at his apartment. I pretty much knew what he was like to live with.

 

I think for him he wanted to see how we would handle apartment stuff, issues, finances, ect. We moved in together mainly because we loved each other and the timing is right.

 

He made a joke the other day that we were "roommates." I don't know if I view it like that, I am technically we are, but it just sounds like it's a "lets share the rent and expenses" type situation. I'm his girlfriend not his buddy. I don't think it's a question of "why the cow" crap. I highly doubt we would be engaged if we weren't living together. Moving in, I didn't expect to get engaged right away but I did think we were at least headed that way. The more time goes by, the less certain I get about that...

[melodymatters]

Ew ! And thats why "I" won't live with a guy without marriage either ! It sets it up to be " roomates" who also have sex.

 

This guy is either totally clueless or a bit sadistic with his little " offhand" comments, IMO !

[Lauriebell82]

Ew ! And thats why "I" won't live with a guy without marriage either ! It sets it up to be " roomates" who also have sex.

 

This guy is either totally clueless or a bit sadistic with his little " offhand" comments, IMO !

 

He meant it as a joke, but you know he is always making those jokes...

 

Honestly, I think he's totally clueless. Buying your girlfriend a copy of "He's just not that into you" for Valentine's Day? Come on.

[melodymatters]

He meant it as a joke, but you know he is always making those jokes...

 

Honestly, I think he's totally clueless. Buying your girlfriend a copy of "He's just not that into you" for Valentine's Day? Come on.

 

 

Whaaaaatt ?????? :eek:

 

Tell me he did NOT do this ???

[norajane]

Moving in together was not a "test" for me. We have had a lot of "sleep overs." When I was home for one Christmas break I spent 3 weeks at his apartment. I pretty much knew what he was like to live with.

 

I think for him he wanted to see how we would handle apartment stuff, issues, finances, ect.

 

Right. For you, it was not a test, because you already had decided you wanted to marry him and were fully committed to him.

 

For him, "seeing" how you would handle apartment stuff is what? What if you run into snags as you figure things out? Does that mean he won't want to get married? Does that mean he'll love you less and deem you unworthy of marriage? That's a test. Playing house, auditioning for the role of wife.

 

If random roommates can learn how to share chores, then certainly two people who love each other can figure out how to handle apartment stuff eventually. So, why the test?

 

I think he wanted to live together because he wasn't ready to propose at the time you graduated and moved back so living together looked like a safe interim measure.

 

I think you moved in because you were hoping it would get you to marriage sooner than if you lived apart.

[Lishy]

OMG I am cracking up that he bought you that book!!!!!!!

 

HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[JamesM]

He meant it as a joke, but you know he is always making those jokes...

 

Honestly, I think he's totally clueless. Buying your girlfriend a copy of "He's just not that into you" for Valentine's Day? Come on.

 

Sarcasm veiled as "jokes" is a great way to show passive aggressive anger without actually having to confront the reaction.

[carhill]

Yeah, I guess flowers and a facial (as in at a salon) are way overrated

 

Think of it this way, OP: PMC would certainly help him with the content and tone of his "jokes", no?

[Star Gazer]

IMO too many people do not really date properly and that is one of the bigger reasons why people don't stay married.

 

What do you mean by this?

 

Right. For you, it was not a test, because you already had decided you wanted to marry him and were fully committed to him. [HE DIDN'T FEEL THE SAME WAY!]

 

For him, "seeing" how you would handle apartment stuff is what? What if you run into snags as you figure things out? Does that mean he won't want to get married? Does that mean he'll love you less and deem you unworthy of marriage? That's a test. Playing house, auditioning for the role of wife.

 

If random roommates can learn how to share chores, then certainly two people who love each other can figure out how to handle apartment stuff eventually. So, why the test?

 

I think he wanted to live together because he wasn't ready to propose at the time you graduated and moved back so living together looked like a safe interim measure.

 

I think you moved in because you were hoping it would get you to marriage sooner than if you lived apart.

 

This is spot on. Y'all had different reasons for moving in together.

 

As for the book: PLEASE tell me he didn't actually buy that book for you??!? There's a chapter in there called, "If he's not marrying you..."

[Lauriebell82]

What do you mean by this?

 

 

 

This is spot on. Y'all had different reasons for moving in together.

 

As for the book: PLEASE tell me he didn't actually buy that book for you??!? There's a chapter in there called, "If he's not marrying you..."

 

Yeah, he did. And yeah I know that chapter. It was 2 valentine's days ago (so 2007) that he bought it for me. We were in the bookstore one day and I saw it and told him that I read some of it with my best friend and thought it was funny because the author is such an a-hole to all the women who write in. So he translated that into me actually wanting to own the book.

 

He ended up seeing the expression on my face and realized he was stupid and made it up to me by buying me a dozen red roses (my favorite) and taking me out to a nice dinner.

[Trialbyfire]

Lb, so that you know, I'm on your side whether it seems like it or not, although where I stand is that a relationship, even love, doesn't supercede negative behaviours, incompatibility or concerns about long-term viability.

 

I'm glad that you're going to try to break the marriage concerns. It can only be beneficial from every aspect.

[BareGoddess]

You've gotten some really great advice on here.

 

James, great points about accepting faults, etc. AFTER marriage. I know what you mean. I just think that many things can and should be ironed out (pardon pun) before marriage. But yes, I can relate to what you were saying as our first year or two of marriage was quite challenging actually. It got easier after that.

 

LB I think you're wise to table the marriage question now. See how it goes in the next few months. Just give it all you can and are willing to give it. What else can you do?

[melodymatters]

Just a point/observation/question about "Over sensitivity"

 

I spent 7 years with someone in which they made me feel that I was CRAZY I was "SO oversensitive ".

 

Now that would be all well and good, EXCEPT for the fact that I had three serious relationships after that and in NO WAY did I display over sensitivity. Nor does this issue come up with family, work mates, friends etc...

 

Scientifically, this leads me to believe that I was NOT over sensitive with Guy A, but that Guy A, was indeed a dick !

 

Just food for thought !

[BareGoddess]

It's true, Mel. Some people don't bring out the best in us. I was pretty different with my ex than I am with H too. Good point.

[Lauriebell82]

Just a point/observation/question about "Over sensitivity"

 

I spent 7 years with someone in which they made me feel that I was CRAZY I was "SO oversensitive ".

 

Now that would be all well and good, EXCEPT for the fact that I had three serious relationships after that and in NO WAY did I display over sensitivity. Nor does this issue come up with family, work mates, friends etc...

 

Scientifically, this leads me to believe that I was NOT over sensitive with Guy A, but that Guy A, was indeed a dick !

 

Just food for thought !

 

True, but I don't think any of you or my BF are far off with my sensitivity. I def. am. It stems from a lifetime of hurt, disappointment, teasing, and struggling with a disorder. You've seen how quick I can get defensive when I feel I'm being ganged up.

 

Of course this is something I need to work on. But seriously, if a guy told you that you would be a terrible wife, wouldn't you be sensitive about it too?

[Lishy]

LB, if my boyfriend said I would be a terrible wife it would throw me through a loop!

 

I am not over sensitive at all but that would make me look at what we had through his eyes!