Accepting faults

[Lishy]

I dont see these issues as huge and I have yet to meet a man who does not comment about how a woman drives lol

 

The comment he made about you not being able to be a good wife as you are messy, however, is more worrying. I think this is a big issue for him and I think he said that to empthasise the importance of it. He is probably stressing about your messiness as much as you do about getting married. He knows it is your biggest desire.

 

It is also hard to change how you are, you can try to be less messy with alot of effort BUT deep down you are a messy person so it wont last.

 

Talk to him about it and try to reach a compromise that you are happy with

[BareGoddess]

Also, I always negotiate a 'me space', either a drawer or a part of room, where I'm allowed to be as messy as I want. That way, when I feel too rushed to clean thoroughly, I take everything that is in the way, throw it in the space and deal with it later. (And I go through the space once or twice a year to clean it up). Of course, my partners aren't allowed to comment on the 'me space'.

 

That's exactly what I do! (I'm the messy one.) Only it's my night table and my closet. I go through night table once a week...closet well he's not allowed in my closet so I do it whenever I feel like it.

 

As for the driving..pretty simple really. Either he drives or he has to keep his comments about my driving to himself. Do all couples have this "backseat driving" issue? I must say, I also on occasion do it to him. He's really bad about tail gating.

 

Oh and for the record, I've never gotten into an accident. And I've only had one speeding ticket in my 20's so he really has no basis to comment on my driving. Whenever he starts in, I just tell him to stop...that I'm doing the driving. He's pretty good about refraining from saying anything. And I am too unless he's really tailgating in a way that seems wreckless to me. To his credit, he does back off from the other driver when I point it out.

[Lauriebell82]

Wow, thanks for all the great advice!

 

I will try to respond to most comments, I had a few clients so I wasn't able to keep responding.

 

First the comment about me being a terrible wife because I don't cook or clean:

 

HELL YEAH that was intentional. I don't think he meant it to be a low blow or to crush me, he was basically just stating how he feels (in a meaner way though). So I felt like this meant that I would need to "get cleaner" in order for him marry me..like conditions. I confronted him on this and told him how I felt. He said that he didn't mean to hurt me but he is just scared that our house will be a mess someday and he doesn't want that. unfortunately, he doesn't like the way I clean (it's not his way) but he still wants me to do it and not him. So I feel like "Okay, if I'm not doing it the way you want it, then you do it." I actually said that during the fight and he got mad, and said I was "giving up." He did tell me I have a ton of qualities that will make me a good wife.

 

He's weird in his views becuase he thinks he is all about equalities (both contributing to finances, sharing household chores, ect) but also thinks traditionally (the women should make dinner, clean, "unclutter" everything.) He has this weird cooking fixation, that he wants me to learn how to cook. I just really never learned how but he does it all the time. (cook for us). He's a good cook too! I really don't like to cook and I've told him this but it seems like he's fixated on it or something.

[Trialbyfire]

Lauriebelle, you want to be a traditional SAHW/SAHM but don't want to cook or clean. Your b/f wants financial equality but also wants you to cook and clean. Do you see the disparity?

[Lauriebell82]

That's exactly what I do! (I'm the messy one.) Only it's my night table and my closet. I go through night table once a week...closet well he's not allowed in my closet so I do it whenever I feel like it.

 

As for the driving..pretty simple really. Either he drives or he has to keep his comments about my driving to himself. Do all couples have this "backseat driving" issue? I must say, I also on occasion do it to him. He's really bad about tail gating.

 

Oh and for the record, I've never gotten into an accident. And I've only had one speeding ticket in my 20's so he really has no basis to comment on my driving. Whenever he starts in, I just tell him to stop...that I'm doing the driving. He's pretty good about refraining from saying anything. And I am too unless he's really tailgating in a way that seems wreckless to me. To his credit, he does back off from the other driver when I point it out.

 

I think it may be a couples thing, more likely a man thing. I think women get bad reps as "bad drivers." He drives like a little old lady (so slow) and I tend to be on the faster side. I'm not completely reckless or weave in and out of traffic, but I do have the tendency to speed sometimes. Last night he started bitching that my hands weren't on "10 and 2!" I told him to shush, and that I need to buy him a muzzle. LOL

 

Then this morning he sends me a text saying "I love you. I think you are a good driver, I'm sorry for being a jerk." Ugh, men.

[Lauriebell82]

Lauriebelle, you want to be a traditional SAHW/SAHM but don't want to cook or clean. Your b/f wants financial equality but also wants you to cook and clean. Do you see the disparity?

 

Yeah I know, it's confusing. I am willing to cook and clean when I am a SAHM though, as it is important to me to stay at home with my children. I'm actually okay with doing laundry, I'll need to learn how to cook though!

[BareGoddess]

That was hysterical about the "10 and 2" thing! So funny.

 

Ok, well if he cooks then you should clean but he should stop telling you how to clean. As long as the results are good what does it matter how you get there?

 

Oh and LB, I hate cleaning but cooking can be fun and very satisfying. Think of it as a new hobby.

 

You should surprise him some time with a homemade dinner...like maybe when you're home before he is. At least he'll see that you're trying. I'm sure we LS'ers can help you with an easy but good recipe for you to try out.

 

At least he'll see that you're trying. That's half the battle sometimes you know?

[JamesM]

You should surprise him some time with a homemade dinner...like maybe when you're home before he is. At least he'll see that you're trying. I'm sure we LS'ers can help you with an easy but good recipe for you to try out.

 

At least he'll see that you're trying. That's half the battle sometimes you know?

 

So is the Make Over Laurie challenge?

[BareGoddess]

So is the Make Over Laurie challenge?

 

Well I think she might actually enjoy it. And he'd be so surprised. Win-win!

[Lauriebell82]

That would be nice guys! My parents bought me a cook book for Christmas becuase they know I can't cook. I took a look in it and some of the recipes look real complicated though! I'm afraid I'll burn down the freaking kitchen!

 

We went to my parents to watch the Steeler game yesterday and my mom made this good dinner and he was literally like "ooing and aahing" over it!

[Kamille]

Yeah I know, it's confusing. I am willing to cook and clean when I am a SAHM though, as it is important to me to stay at home with my children. I'm actually okay with doing laundry, I'll need to learn how to cook though!

 

Why not start now? How are the two of you to know you will suddenly like cooking once you're a SAHM if you don't start now?

 

 

You should surprise him some time with a homemade dinner...like maybe when you're home before he is. At least he'll see that you're trying. I'm sure we LS'ers can help you with an easy but good recipe for you to try out.

 

Great idea! I was going to suggest that Laurie and her boyfriend could plan an afternoon of cooking together, where he would teach her how to cook one of her favorite dishes. Personally, I love cooking with my bf (when I have one). Kitchens are just so... hot!

 

At least he'll see that you're trying. That's half the battle sometimes you know?

 

That's exactly the point I was trying to make about trying to organize the house so it'd be easier for Laurie to stay clean. Show him you're willing to try and things will already start running smoothly.

 

(ah, and another thing that works in my R is that I sometimes need days of nothing to do - no cleaning, no social events. Partners usually react well to this if they are forwarned in advanced: as in, 'Saturday is my lazy day but I promise to clean the floors on Sunday'.)

[BareGoddess]

That would be nice guys! My parents bought me a cook book for Christmas becuase they know I can't cook. I took a look in it and some of the recipes look real complicated though! I'm afraid I'll burn down the freaking kitchen!

 

We went to my parents to watch the Steeler game yesterday and my mom made this good dinner and he was literally like "ooing and aahing" over it!

 

Well then maybe the cookbook is too advanced.

 

Why not ask your mom about the meal she made? (What was it anyway? I'm curious now.)

 

Trust me, cooking can be very, very simple and delicious. It doesn't have to be complicated to be really good.

[Lauriebell82]

Well then maybe the cookbook is too advanced.

 

Why not ask your mom about the meal she made? (What was it anyway? I'm curious now.)

 

Trust me, cooking can be very, very simple and delicious. It doesn't have to be complicated to be really good.

 

Sausage sandwiches with spagetti sauce on the sausage. Also salad and green bean cassorole. I should ask my mom how to make it.

[BareGoddess]

LB, very good points made in Kamille's post.

 

Yes, Kamille even if we don't exactly get it right, if we show our SO's that we're trying and not just dismissing their requests, it does go a LONG way, doesn't it?

 

Also that was a good idea about cooking together. It can be really fun. Put on some music, maybe pour a glass of wine and work side by side, chopping and stirring, etc. Let him teach you. Maybe try to make that recipe your mom made together.

[JamesM]

That would be nice guys! My parents bought me a cook book for Christmas becuase they know I can't cook. I took a look in it and some of the recipes look real complicated though! I'm afraid I'll burn down the freaking kitchen!

 

 

Start with simple stuff.

 

I cannot cook either, and truthfully, I have not tried too hard. Part of the reason is that when my wife works and I need to cook, my boys are not too gourmet minded. I choose tuna casseroles and other easy meals. It doesn't help that when I feel like cooking, I feel like eating. Then it is easier to pop a pizza in the oven or pick up McDonalds.

 

But I have tried new things....as I have been dragged kicking and screaming into the kitchen. My wife is a great cook, so this doesn't help.

 

My guess is your BF expected to marry a great cook for a wife because all women are great cooks, right? While I doubt that is the reason he isn't marrying you, I do think he is thinking in his head of "someone like mom." He would never say it, but I am guessing that the some of the differences make him hesitate...ie cooking.

[BareGoddess]

Sausage sandwiches with spagetti sauce on the sausage. Also salad and green bean cassorole. I should ask my mom how to make it.

 

Yes, ask her LB but those are easy recipes. Nothing you couldn't handle as a beginner.

[Trialbyfire]

The only thing I'm going to add is that any remaking of yourself, lauriebelle, should be something you want to do, thus honestly change. If you solely do it to impress someone else, it won't stick.

[Lauriebell82]

My guess is your BF expected to marry a great cook for a wife because all women are great cooks, right? While I doubt that is the reason he isn't marrying you, I do think he is thinking in his head of "someone like mom." He would never say it, but I am guessing that the some of the differences make him hesitate...ie cooking.

 

I think this is the reason too. He pretty much told me how he felt in the little comment he made. I think he does want someone like his mom and he wants a relationship like his parents (never fight, always look happy). Truthfully I think his mom just kind of puts up with his dad's crap and doesn't say anything about it. (which I don't do) I think he does want a wife like his mom who will cook, clean, be sweet and nice all the time (pretty much the "take care of her man" type deal). Personally I think she reminds me of Mrs. Brady from the Brady Bunch becuase she is so sweet and happy-go-lucky all the time.

 

I'm a little more headstrong and determined than his mom is, and I don't think he likes that so much. It is hard to think that in order for him to marry me I need to step up my "household chores." That makes me feel desperate.

[JamesM]

 

I'm a little more headstrong and determined than his mom is, and I don't think he likes that so much. It is hard to think that in order for him to marry me I need to step up my "household chores." That makes me feel desperate.

 

Do not change to be what he wants...no matter how much you want to marry him. This would be a mistake for him and for you.

 

My wife is not like my mother in so many ways, but truthfully, I did not want someone like my mother. What my wife is that is different is she is more headstrong and passionate. She brings spice to my life.

 

But there is a downside. And no need to list her faults.

 

My point is...BF has an image of his mother that does not include the downsides. Even if he married someone exactly like his mother, he would find that she is not his mother.

 

But I digress...if you feel you need to make changes even if it is something like cooking, then it will not make for a great marriage. You will feel as if you need to meet some standard that is not you.

 

Your life will become miserable...even if it is with him.

 

You as a counselor would tell someone else the same thing, but when it is your own emotions, then it is not so easy. Trying to change and learning to cook is good...IF it isn't because you want him to ask you to marry him. Doing it because you want to do it out out of love even if he does not marry you, is a good thing.

[BareGoddess]

LB, don't think of it as "stepping up the chores." Think of it as something you want to do to make him happy. I mean we all have to do stuff in relationships sometimes for the other person..stuff we'd rather not do. So this is just one of those things.

 

I mean if you two do spend your lives together and get married there will be many, many things that come up that you're not going to exactly see eye to eye about you know?

 

Think of this as a test.

 

And I'm not saying you should always roll over. NEGOTIATE. Like say, tell him I will cook once a week if you split the cleaning with me..or whatever it is that you want to negotiate. He can't have it his way all the time.

 

Or tell him that you'll clean HIS way if he doesn't bug you about cooking..see what I mean? Come up with a doable plan and stick to it or you will continue to butt heads with each other over this. And that's bad. It will wear down the relationship..so you see, it very much IS a relationship issue as others have pointed out.

 

And I liked what Kamille said also about carving out your "lazy" time. Tell him for example, that from 2 to 4 pm you will clean on Sat. exactly how he likes it but the rest of the day is yours to be lazy and do what you want with...or whatever you want to come up with.

 

Do you think that's something you can do? And don't be afraid to ask HIM for what you want in return. Give and take..work together.

[IrishCarBomb]

Last night he started bitching that my hands weren't on "10 and 2!"

 

"10 and 2" is outdated. If you keep your hands at 10 and 2, and your airbag deploys in a minor collision, you will get a 100mph punch in the face. Nowadays I believe they teach 8 and 4 or somewhere on the lower half of the steering wheel.

[Lauriebell82]

Do not change to be what he wants...no matter how much you want to marry him. This would be a mistake for him and for you.

 

My wife is not like my mother in so many ways, but truthfully, I did not want someone like my mother. What my wife is that is different is she is more headstrong and passionate. She brings spice to my life.

 

But there is a downside. And no need to list her faults.

 

My point is...BF has an image of his mother that does not include the downsides. Even if he married someone exactly like his mother, he would find that she is not his mother.

 

But I digress...if you feel you need to make changes even if it is something like cooking, then it will not make for a great marriage. You will feel as if you need to meet some standard that is not you.

 

Your life will become miserable...even if it is with him.

 

You as a counselor would tell someone else the same thing, but when it is your own emotions, then it is not so easy. Trying to change and learning to cook is good...IF it isn't because you want him to ask you to marry him. Doing it because you want to do it out out of love even if he does not marry you, is a good thing.

 

Yeah, and this was the purpose of the thread. It just sounds like he wants me to change to be the wife he wants. That sucks, I don't like that. Truthfully, I just don't like to cook. I prefer to do something quick and easy, heat things up in the microwave, ect. Maybe I just don't have the patience or I'm afraid I will screw up the dinner after I spent all that time on it. I do try to clean becuase I really don't want to live in a pigsty either. I wonder what he would say if I asked him what he would think about marrying me even if I never cooked or just picked things but not his "OCD way."

[BareGoddess]

Do not change to be what he wants...no matter how much you want to marry him. This would be a mistake for him and for you.

 

My wife is not like my mother in so many ways, but truthfully, I did not want someone like my mother. What my wife is that is different is she is more headstrong and passionate. She brings spice to my life.

 

But there is a downside. And no need to list her faults.

 

My point is...BF has an image of his mother that does not include the downsides. Even if he married someone exactly like his mother, he would find that she is not his mother.

 

But I digress...if you feel you need to make changes even if it is something like cooking, then it will not make for a great marriage. You will feel as if you need to meet some standard that is not you.

 

Your life will become miserable...even if it is with him.

 

You as a counselor would tell someone else the same thing, but when it is your own emotions, then it is not so easy. Trying to change and learning to cook is good...IF it isn't because you want him to ask you to marry him. Doing it because you want to do it out out of love even if he does not marry you, is a good thing.

 

LB, pay close attention to those bolded parts. They're key.

 

I wonder what he would say if I asked him what he would think about marrying me even if I never cooked or just picked things but not his "OCD way."

 

Why not ask him and see? The time to find out is NOW. If you're determined to not cook or not clean the way he wants to then you may as well find out now if he'll accept you as you are.

 

If neither one of you are willing to negotiate these things then I'm sorry to say maybe you're not ready for marriage.

 

Maybe you should be with someone who completely accepts that you're not the domestic kind and he should be with someone who already is.

 

But it seems you both want your cake and eat it too...he wants an equal partner in some areas but not on the homefront and you want to be a SAH without cleaning and cooking, as has been pointed out....not too realistic.

 

You have to decide where your priorities are.

[Lishy]

LB, do not do anything that you do not want to do just to make him happy, all it will do is give him a taste of how he wants things and then you will regress back into how you really are and the arguements will multiply tenfold!

 

If you WANT to learn to cook then do it, if you WANT to tidy up then doit but never compromose who you really are JUST for someone else, it never works! We have to accept people for who they are and we should only change because WE WANT TO and not because it is solely what the other person wants. It will just build up resentment! Trust me I have done this and it never turns out well

[Tomcat33]

Men don't like fighting or conflict for that matter, especially the types of guys who do not have that kind of exposure from their upbringing. Surely you can avoid getting to the point of it getting to an argument by talking to him about what is bothering you, when you get too emotional and blow up that is what causes fights.

 

Eventually all the fighting will eat away at his attraction for you. I think you need to take a hard look at why you guys fight so much and why he feels he "never wants to fight like that again" Whatever it is that you are doing that seems comfortable to you is not comfortable for him he is flat out telling you it is too much for him. Find a way to communicate so that you don't end up in a fight.

 

Deconstruct the last fight you had and find out the exact point of where it went from a discussion to a fight and see how you can both work around avoiding those triggers.