Accepting faults

[BareGoddess]

To not play the PA thing, why not come right at it but in a reasonable fashion?

 

"It always feels like I'm trying to prove myself to you, so I fit your mold of the perfect wife and mother. Guess what? I'm not perfect. Can you accept that?"

 

Not bad only I'd leave out the "always" and the "guess what? I'm not perfect" part.

 

That kind of language would put him on the defensive..not conducive to working this out, in my opinion and experience.

[Geishawhelk]

Well, the more and more he does this kind of thing (nitpicks then apologizes and tells me how much he loves me) the more uncertain I become. When we are together and having fun I DO feel connected to him, in love ect. But after fights like that, it's just sometimes "I'm sorry" isn't good enough anymore, ya know?

 

yes, I know what you mean. "I'm sorry" loses it's meaning when the same thing repeats ad infinitem... If you're that sorry, why keep doing it?

[BareGoddess]

LB you're so right about what you said about the nitpicking and then apologizing. It gets old after awhile. It does wear on the relationship.

 

As for the question you asked about the whole spanking thing that he's willing to compromise on...do you ever make compromises? What are the things you negotiate about when you're not on the same page? Is there anything?

[Trialbyfire]

Not bad only I'd leave out the "always" and the "guess what? I'm not perfect" part.

 

That kind of language would put him on the defensive..not conducive to working this out, in my opinion and experience.

Good call!

 

lauriebelle, you can always counter his principle v. tasks as follows:

 

"I promise to give you a blow job per week, if you cook and clean for me during that period of time".

[Lauriebell82]

You guys are awesome, thank you. I think I will try to have a talk with him and see if we can come up with some kind of compromise. The problem with having the "marriage" talk is that he is not going to tell me he doesn't want to marry me because he KNOWS that I will leave him. I've tried the "where is this going" talks and he always gives me the same answer.

 

Oh apparently he told my best friend's husband something suspicious because when she asked him about it he said that he promised my boyfriend he wouldn't say anything and that we will just "have to wait and see." It gave me a glimmer of hope but who knows.

 

Another weird thing:

He likes to make little "lists" and write things down. I don't read his stuff but he left a notebook on the coffee table today and he wrote down some positive things in his life. One of them was "A healthy, loving relationship with LB."

[Trialbyfire]

Another weird thing:

He likes to make little "lists" and write things down. I don't read his stuff but he left a notebook on the coffee table today and he wrote down some positive things in his life. One of them was "A healthy, loving relationship with LB."

Ha...there's nothing weird about that! He intended for you to see it.

[Star Gazer]

LB - as you know we've corresponded about this before today's thread.

 

This thread was prompted by another 'big fight' with your BF on Saturday. I don't know why you're sugarcoating what happened, or leaving out pretty significant details? I don't want to share them for you, and maybe I missed them, but I think you'd get a lot more help from everyone here if you were a little more candid with what went down.

 

As Carhill suggested, I've repeatedly suggested PMC. I think now is a great time to get started.

[Geishawhelk]

Yes. Lovely.

Even better if the feeling were mutual.

The problem is, I actually think he's bimbling along, in a bit of a world of his own.

A healthy loving relationship is all very well, but there has to be effort on both sides.

he seems intent on making you pull your socks up and come up with the goods, yet he seems strangely reluctant to be half as commited as you are.....

[BareGoddess]

Good call!

 

lauriebelle, you can always counter his principle v. tasks as follows:

 

"I promise to give you a blow job per week, if you cook and clean for me during that period of time".

 

Thanks.

 

As for the bolded part that works for most men. (My man wants it ALL though...BJ's AND cleaning. Sheesh!)

 

But seriously LB, not a bad suggestion there. Lighten it up some and NEGOTIATE, NEGOTIATE, NEGOTIATE!

[Lauriebell82]

LB - as you know we've corresponded about this before today's thread.

 

This thread was prompted by another 'big fight' with your BF on Saturday. I don't know why you're sugarcoating what happened, or leaving out pretty significant details? I don't want to share them for you, and maybe I missed them, but I think you'd get a lot more help from everyone here if you were a little more candid with what went down.

 

As Carhill suggested, I've repeatedly suggested PMC. I think now is a great time to get started.

 

Did you read the whole thread? I didn't give the whole story in the opening post, once I got responses I started to give details about the fight and the situation right now.

[Lauriebell82]

LB you're so right about what you said about the nitpicking and then apologizing. It gets old after awhile. It does wear on the relationship.

 

As for the question you asked about the whole spanking thing that he's willing to compromise on...do you ever make compromises? What are the things you negotiate about when you're not on the same page? Is there anything?

 

Yeah, we actually compromised over Christmas. As a lot of you know his family lives out of town. I didn't get a lot of Christmas vaca (25th and 26th) and he got the whole week off. He wanted to go home and visit his family for the week but he wanted me to come too. I wanted to go to my parents on Christmas eve, then suggested we drive to his parents on Christmas day. We did this with the agreement that he would spend a few hours with his friends on Friday because it would be the only time he would see them. (we were only there 3 days). So it was a good compromise we got to see both our families and got more presents! And we got to spend the holiday together.

[BareGoddess]

Ok, well that's very encouraging. At least you have some history of compromising and negotiating so that you both get some of what you want. That's a start.

 

So the question remains, can you and do you even want to negotiate and compromise on the cleaning and cooking issue?

 

But I'm getting an idea there's more to all this? I don't know. Only you know.

[Lauriebell82]

Ok, well that's very encouraging. At least you have some history of compromising and negotiating so that you both get some of what you want. That's a start.

 

So the question remains, can you and do you even want to negotiate and compromise on the cleaning and cooking issue?

 

But I'm getting an idea there's more to all this? I don't know. Only you know.

 

I DO want to compromise. I really truely do not want to break up with him. My fear is that he won't marry me. That all the compromising and negotiating won't do anything and he'll just keep coming up with more and more things that I do that he's "not sure of."

 

He wonders why I'm so insecure about the whole thing, then displays behavior like this. What does he expect?

[Tomcat33]

I DO want to compromise. I really truely do not want to break up with him. My fear is that he won't marry me. That all the compromising and negotiating won't do anything and he'll just keep coming up with more and more things that I do that he's "not sure of."

 

 

 

Try it you have nothing to lose.

[Lauriebell82]

Try it you have nothing to lose.

 

Im rehearsing in the mirror what I am going to say. LOL

 

How does this sound?:

 

"Babe I thought a lot about our fight and I want to try to work this out and tell you how I feel. It feels like I'm trying to prove myself to you, so I fit your mold of the perfect wife and mother. Can you accept me the way that I am? Is cooking and cleaning SO important to you that if I didn't do those things to the extent you do them, then it would be a deal breaker?

 

(await his response)then:

 

"I'm really hoping that we could come to some kind of compromise. Like I can clean 2 of the rooms in our apartment the way I feel it should be cleaned. I would appreciate it if you didn't tell me how YOU want it cleaned because it hurts my feelings. I am trying to make an effort to clean but it's not going to be perfect. Can you accept that? If you want it cleaned a certain way after I have already done so, would you be okay will picking it up more? It makes me feel like a child when you tell me that it isn't good enough and things are still messy. I don't want to feel that way."

 

(await response).

[Geishawhelk]

I used to do this!! OMG!!

 

Thing is:

not once, not ever, did any rehearsed discussion actually every come out the way I'd rehearsed it.....

Not once.

 

Problem is, the other 'character' hasn't got the same script.

 

And even if they had, they wouldn't be on the same page.

 

or I wouldn't be rehearsing, would I?

[BareGoddess]

That's really not bad, LB. And you know what? Now you have 4 months to see whether you can work stuff like this out and not fight or whether he's always going to nitpick.

 

What about the cooking thing? Cooking together maybe? Or taking turns if you're willing?

[BareGoddess]

I used to do this!! OMG!!

 

Thing is:

not once, not ever, did any rehearsed discussion actually every come out the way I'd rehearsed it.....

Not once.

 

Problem is, the other 'character' hasn't got the same script.

 

And even if they had, they wouldn't be on the same page.

 

or I wouldn't be rehearsing, would I?

 

Very funny! And so true. It NEVER goes as planned.

 

but the key LB, is to keep a cool head about you. Don't lose your cool. Keep in control. Be firm in your demeanor but at the same time open to discussion and negotiation (I know I've beat that word to death but...) It's a fine balance there, I know but you can do that.

 

It's the difference between being a doormat and being a bytch. There's a nice middle ground there. I hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me to find it!

[Lauriebell82]

That's really not bad, LB. And you know what? Now you have 4 months to see whether you can work stuff like this out and not fight or whether he's always going to nitpick.

 

What about the cooking thing? Cooking together maybe? Or taking turns if you're willing?

 

I think cooking together may be fun. He taught me how to make grilled cheese on the stove (yeah it's pathetic I didn't know how to do that!) and he was actually pretty patient.

[BareGoddess]

LB, also it wouldn't hurt to anticipate his answers and what and how you will respond.

 

What do you think he'll say to your first statement for example? And how will you respond?

[Lauriebell82]

LB, also it wouldn't hurt to anticipate his answers and what and how you will respond.

 

What do you think he'll say to your first statement for example? And how will you respond?

 

Oooohhh he's home! I'll be back on later guys!

[BareGoddess]

I think cooking together may be fun. He taught me how to make grilled cheese on the stove (yeah it's pathetic I didn't know how to do that!) and he was actually pretty patient.

 

haha, sorry to laugh LB but I learned how to make grilled cheese in Home Economics in 7th grade!

 

Ok, but see? That's good. You can have fun together cooking if you choose to look at it as quality time together instead of just a chore that you hate.

 

I think it's important that you do everything you're willing and able to do before you decide that this is the wrong guy for you.

 

And yeah, I already said I don't think he's for you but YOU have to know that for SURE one way or the other before you make any decisions.

 

And even if the decision you make is to leave, you will have at least given it your all and that should make it a little easier (though it will still be painful.)

[BareGoddess]

Oooohhh he's home! I'll be back on later guys!

 

Ok, good luck LB!!!!

[Tomcat33]

Im rehearsing in the mirror what I am going to say. LOL

 

How does this sound?:

 

"Babe I thought a lot about our fight and I want to try to work this out and tell you how I feel. It feels like I'm trying to prove myself to you, so I fit your mold of the perfect wife and mother. Can you accept me the way that I am? Is cooking and cleaning SO important to you that if I didn't do those things to the extent you do them, then it would be a deal breaker?

 

(await his response)then:

 

"I'm really hoping that we could come to some kind of compromise. Like I can clean 2 of the rooms in our apartment the way I feel it should be cleaned. I would appreciate it if you didn't tell me how YOU want it cleaned because it hurts my feelings. I am trying to make an effort to clean but it's not going to be perfect. Can you accept that? If you want it cleaned a certain way after I have already done so, would you be okay will picking it up more? It makes me feel like a child when you tell me that it isn't good enough and things are still messy. I don't want to feel that way."

 

(await response).

 

I think that is pretty good Lauriebelle, that is very honest of you and to the point. Letting him know that you want to meet him half way while making him aware of what are the things that are hurtful to you is a goodway to communicate your needs you are coming from your point of view on how things make YOU feel as opposed to accusing him of his actions. If he is willing to participate he will take on what you said and really want to work with you to find a common goal. I find that an approach like that is nonthreatening and ususally if the man cares for the wellbeing of relationship enough he will not resist or get his back up at something like that.

 

 

I don't want to sound like a Debbie Downer but in my experience when there is a lot of fighting about little things in a relationship it is usually about a much deeper rooted problem and not so much about the issues at hand that are being fought over. They don't have to be big or harsh fights just the idea that you are constantly bickering at each other for stuff means something deeper is going on.

 

See how he reacts to this and take it from there. Your willingness to talk this out shows him you are taking his feelings into consideration that is half of what good communication is, making the other feel like you are listening to their needs and willing to take them on board.

[Citizen Erased]

haha, sorry to laugh LB but I learned how to make grilled cheese in Home Economics in 7th grade!

 

Ok, but see? That's good. You can have fun together cooking if you choose to look at it as quality time together instead of just a chore that you hate.

 

I think it's important that you do everything you're willing and able to do before you decide that this is the wrong guy for you.

 

And yeah, I already said I don't think he's for you but YOU have to know that for SURE one way or the other before you make any decisions.

 

And even if the decision you make is to leave, you will have at least given it your all and that should make it a little easier (though it will still be painful.)

 

You had to learn how to make it?