Accepting faults

[melodymatters]

True, but I don't think any of you or my BF are far off with my sensitivity. I def. am. It stems from a lifetime of hurt, disappointment, teasing, and struggling with a disorder. You've seen how quick I can get defensive when I feel I'm being ganged up.

 

Of course this is something I need to work on. But seriously, if a guy told you that you would be a terrible wife, wouldn't you be sensitive about it too?

 

 

Of course I would honey ! Not only that, I would be hurt, insulted, and angry ! With good cause !

 

That's kind of what I was getting at. Lets say guy B,C and D, all give me occasional compliments on my appearence. But Guy A, now Guy A would always make SURE I knew I didn't meet his criteria for beauty, wasn't as pretty as the couple of strippers he dated when they, and he, were in their 20's, that fake boobs are vastly superior to my natural ones etc.

 

So, In this case was I being over sensitive ? Were the latter three guys saints, or just normal men who wanted their partner to feel good ? Or again, was Guy A trying to hurt me with cruel, PA comments ?

 

I have my answer in MY case. Only you know where your BF is REALLY coming from when he " misspeaks".

[Trialbyfire]

True, but I don't think any of you or my BF are far off with my sensitivity. I def. am. It stems from a lifetime of hurt, disappointment, teasing, and struggling with a disorder. You've seen how quick I can get defensive when I feel I'm being ganged up.

 

Of course this is something I need to work on. But seriously, if a guy told you that you would be a terrible wife, wouldn't you be sensitive about it too?

But you're illustrating mel's point!

 

What guy would tell you, that you would make a terrible wife? Who's definition of terrible wife is he going by? Is this who you are and want to be? Someone else's definition?

[Lauriebell82]

Right. For you, it was not a test, because you already had decided you wanted to marry him and were fully committed to him.

 

For him, "seeing" how you would handle apartment stuff is what? What if you run into snags as you figure things out? Does that mean he won't want to get married? Does that mean he'll love you less and deem you unworthy of marriage? That's a test. Playing house, auditioning for the role of wife.

 

I don't know. I had never paid my own apartment bills or anything so it was pretty new to me. He might have been afraid I would struggle and we would get into fights. I ended up doing the opposite though, I make good money (for me) and actually have tons of money left over every month after bills. HE is actually the broke one now. I think it was a "testing the waters" type thing though. I think after all the fights about money he was unsure about living together and how this would pan out.

 

 

 

I think he wanted to live together because he wasn't ready to propose at the time you graduated and moved back so living together looked like a safe interim measure.

 

I think you moved in because you were hoping it would get you to marriage sooner than if you lived apart.

 

Good point, you are probably right. Now that I think about it though, I don't think we would be engaged even if we lived seperately. He probably would have just asked me to move in with him.

[Star Gazer]

It's true, Mel. Some people don't bring out the best in us. I was pretty different with my ex than I am with H too. Good point.

 

So true. I think LB's BF only exacerbates her insecurities.

 

Yeah, he did. And yeah I know that chapter. It was 2 valentine's days ago (so 2007) that he bought it for me. We were in the bookstore one day and I saw it and told him that I read some of it with my best friend and thought it was funny because the author is such an a-hole to all the women who write in. So he translated that into me actually wanting to own the book.

 

He ended up seeing the expression on my face and realized he was stupid and made it up to me by buying me a dozen red roses (my favorite) and taking me out to a nice dinner.

 

Okay, well that story makes it sound better.

 

That's similar to the episode of SATC where Trey gives Charlotte a cardboard baby. Talk about insensitive - and on Valentine's Day?!?!

 

You've seen how quick I can get defensive when I feel I'm being ganged up.

 

Of course this is something I need to work on. But seriously, if a guy told you that you would be a terrible wife, wouldn't you be sensitive about it too?

 

You get sensitive and defensive even when only one person disagrees with you. But I can be the same way.

 

And yes, if someone who KNEW that I wanted to marry HIM told me that I would be a terrible wife, I'd be crushed. I'd also walk. But that's just me.

 

I was actually thinking about you on the drive in to work, LB... particularly about the "terrible wife" and name calling (b*tch) thing. I've been treated pretty poorly over the years, and even the worst of the worst never resorted to name calling like that. It really worries me that he's done that...

[norajane]

I don't know. I had never paid my own apartment bills or anything so it was pretty new to me. He might have been afraid I would struggle and we would get into fights. I ended up doing the opposite though, I make good money (for me) and actually have tons of money left over every month after bills. HE is actually the broke one now. I think it was a "testing the waters" type thing though. I think after all the fights about money he was unsure about living together and how this would pan out.

 

You could have done all that by getting a place of your own. And no one would be complaining that their clothes were wrinkled.

 

Good point, you are probably right. Now that I think about it though, I don't think we would be engaged even if we lived seperately. He probably would have just asked me to move in with him.

 

I'm not saying that living apart would have meant you'd be engaged by now. I'm saying you'd have your own life without being bitched at that you'd be a terrible wife because of the way you do laundry. And you'd have that peace and freedom until he actually committed to you if you waited to move in until marriage. Your laundry and cooking abilities wouldn't be a test or condition for marriage.

[JamesM]

What do you mean by this?

 

 

This is in reference to my comment regarding how people don't date properly. Kamille started a thread about this.

[JamesM]

kled.

 

I'm not saying that living apart would have meant you'd be engaged by now. I'm saying you'd have your own life without being bitched at that you'd be a terrible wife because of the way you do laundry. And you'd have that peace and freedom until he actually committed to you if you waited to move in until marriage. Your laundry and cooking abilities wouldn't be a test or condition for marriage.

 

 

And you would have a place where you would HAVE to practice at these "normal" cleaning duties. Personally, I think it is good if everyone lives on their own for a few months before marriage. It is a good way to learn how to play house before you need to do it for real.

 

I lived alone for about a year prior to marriage, and it taught me alot from cooking, cleaning, laundry, bill paying, and simply having the feeling that everything was my responsibility.

 

Well, I DID get some "care packages" of baked goods from my mom every week. I think that was more for her benefit than mine.

[Lauriebell82]

You could have done all that by getting a place of your own. And no one would be complaining that their clothes were wrinkled. I'm not saying that living apart would have meant you'd be engaged by now. I'm saying you'd have your own life without being bitched at that you'd be a terrible wife because of the way you do laundry. And you'd have that peace and freedom until he actually committed to you if you waited to move in until marriage. Your laundry and cooking abilities wouldn't be a test or condition for marriage.

 

I didn't know what my paychecks would be like so I was afraid I wouldn't be able to afford my own apartment..and the last thing I wanted was to move into my apartment. I was just getting started in May, so I guess I didn't feel confident about my economic situation. (not that I was using him for rent money or anything, I still wanted to live with him becuase I love him.) Plus I think we would have spent every night together anyway, so we thought moving in together would be even greater.

 

I'm thinking about moving out to prevent this from happening anymore. However, I think that if I do that we will break up. I don't think we would survive something like that.

[Lauriebell82]

And you would have a place where you would HAVE to practice at these "normal" cleaning duties. Personally, I think it is good if everyone lives on their own for a few months before marriage. It is a good way to learn how to play house before you need to do it for real.

 

I lived alone for about a year prior to marriage, and it taught me alot from cooking, cleaning, laundry, bill paying, and simply having the feeling that everything was my responsibility.

 

Well, I DID get some "care packages" of baked goods from my mom every week. I think that was more for her benefit than mine.

 

I lived by myself for 2 years in an apartment at college (I didn't pay my bills myself though) and I hated it. I never cooked or cleaned and I was so lonely. I thought moving in with my BF would be a good influence on me to start doing those things more.

[JamesM]

I lived by myself for 2 years in an apartment at college (I didn't pay my bills myself though) and I hated it. I never cooked or cleaned and I was so lonely. I thought moving in with my BF would be a good influence on me to start doing those things more.

 

How's that working out for you? (Dr Phil )

 

The thing is cleaning and cooking and laundry are not fun, nor do they have their own rewards. They are actually habits that we either do or don't.

 

My thinking is that despite his thoughts, these are some areas that may need some work on your part.

 

Since we were married, I have learned so much and do so much more than I first did. It is all about growing. I may have been dragged kicking and screaming, but the growth was good for me.

[Trialbyfire]

Lb, while I believe you love him, I keep going back to the thought that your b/f is like a solution to you, in that he's someone who solves all of life's problems, from taking care of you to having a close friend.

 

Let's pretend that you do get married to him in the next five years. What will happen when you come into your own? Will you still need him?

[Star Gazer]

I lived by myself for 2 years in an apartment at college (I didn't pay my bills myself though) and I hated it. I never cooked or cleaned and I was so lonely. I thought moving in with my BF would be a good influence on me to start doing those things more.

 

This honestly tells me you're not okay being independent. Everyone needs to be okay being alone and independent before they can truly share themselves with someone else.

[BareGoddess]

I didn't know what my paychecks would be like so I was afraid I wouldn't be able to afford my own apartment..and the last thing I wanted was to move into my apartment. I was just getting started in May, so I guess I didn't feel confident about my economic situation. (not that I was using him for rent money or anything, I still wanted to live with him becuase I love him.) Plus I think we would have spent every night together anyway, so we thought moving in together would be even greater.

 

I'm thinking about moving out to prevent this from happening anymore. However, I think that if I do that we will break up. I don't think we would survive something like that.

 

Then you're relationship isn't strong enough to even be considering marriage.

 

And James took the words out of my mouth. I believe everyone should live on their own before ever living with someone else or getting married. It's important.

 

LB, I'll be very direct...even more than usual. I can almost guarantee that if you two got married any time soon, you'd be miserable and/or divorced within 3 years.

 

I thing it was SG who a few posts ago (sorry I'm jumping around working doing various things and forgot) mentioned about your b/f calling you the "B" word. Even if he never said it again, that was really a warning of things to come.

 

That, and all the other areas I listed where you're incompatible. Sure you have a good time together and mostly get along. But it's the time you don't, and the incompatibilities between you that tell me that you're relationship would end up failing in the end.

 

Also, not to be harsh but if you throw in both of your maturity levels, it's just destined to fail.

 

Don't wast more time. (Like me...wasted all of my 20's pretty much with the wrong man.) He finally asked me to marry him 6 years after we dated/lived together. Our marriage was a total and complete disaster. But boy did I love him. Leaving him was very painful. I'd hate to see you go through that.

 

And I see some parallels with your relationship here.

[Star Gazer]

Lb, while I believe you love him, I keep going back to the thought that your b/f is like a solution to you, in that he's someone who solves all of life's problems, from taking care of you to having a close friend.

 

BINGO! Great point.

 

As I suggested in my post above, LB isn't her own person yet. She relies on her BF to be her everything.

[Trialbyfire]

BINGO! Great point.

 

As I suggested in my post above, LB isn't her own person yet. She relies on her BF to be her everything.

Thus giving him the responsibility, power and control over her life. He's the driver and yet, he wants fiscal equality. When she balks, he pulls out the bad wife, marriage whip.

[BareGoddess]

It's never a good thing when there's an imbalance of "power" so to speak. I just posted in that vein on the other thread.

 

He has all the power and control and he's abusing it in his own PA way. That doesn't speak too well regarding the kind of husband he'd make.

[JamesM]

LB, I'll be very direct...even more than usual. I can almost guarantee that if you two got married any time soon, you'd be miserable and/or divorced within 3 years.

 

I thing it was SG who a few posts ago (sorry I'm jumping around working doing various things and forgot) mentioned about your b/f calling you the "B" word. Even if he never said it again, that was really a warning of things to come.

 

That, and all the other areas I listed where you're incompatible. Sure you have a good time together and mostly get along. But it's the time you don't, and the incompatibilities between you that tell me that you're relationship would end up failing in the end.

 

 

BG, good post. I am not sure I would be so definite to say this would certainly happen, but usually whatever happens during our dating days is when we are at our best behavior...even if we are living together.

 

If he calls you names such as he has, then I doubt that these words will disappear from his vocabulary after marriage.

 

Marriage is when the games begin. How you handle playing determines how the marriage will survive...or thrive.

[BareGoddess]

Thanks, James. And I agree with this completely:

 

If he calls you names such as he has, then I doubt that these words will disappear from his vocabulary after marriage.

 

No question about that. And that was my point. I remember months ago when LB spoke about it and it really concerned me then...and it still does.

[Trialbyfire]

There's a fine line when using certain terms, when in an argument.

 

For example, I would never call someone a bastard in the heat of an argument. I do and can swear but don't swear "at them". "I don't give an eff, etc.".

 

For some couples, any form of swearing would be over-the-top.

 

I wonder if Lb, ever swears "at him"?

[BareGoddess]

Well it's been brought up that LB has a temper. Do you want to talk about that, LB? Does your b/f accept that about you?

[Star Gazer]

BG, good post. I am not sure I would be so definite to say this would certainly happen, but usually whatever happens during our dating days is when we are at our best behavior...even if we are living together.

 

If he calls you names such as he has, then I doubt that these words will disappear from his vocabulary after marriage.

 

I completely agree, James.

 

Now, obviously I'm not married, so I don't have that experience. But watching everyone else, reading here, etc., makes it patently obvious to me that the dating stage is still the honeymoon stage... that marriage is when the REAL hard work begins, because you're more or less just "letting your truest self out."

 

I don't think those words will disappear either.

 

I wonder if Lb, ever swears "at him"?

 

*cough, cough*

[Star Gazer]

Well it's been brought up that LB has a temper. Do you want to talk about that, LB? Does your b/f accept that about you?

 

She does. She totally does. She's demonstrated it here quite a bit in the past. She's easily upset, and she verbalizes it. She needs to really work on this.

[Lauriebell82]

She does. She totally does. She's demonstrated it here quite a bit in the past. She's easily upset, and she verbalizes it. She needs to really work on this.

 

When he told me I would be a terrible wife I said "F this then." I've never actually sworn at him. I think I said he was acting like a jerk during our fight but that was to the extent.

 

As for my temper, it's true I can get heated, however during fights I try to keep my cool. Actually my BF loses his cool more than I do! I'm easily upset, but I have learned that yelling and screaming doesn't solve anything. I end up crying more often than not.

[Star Gazer]

When he told me I would be a terrible wife I said "F this then." I've never actually sworn at him. I think I said he was acting like a jerk during our fight but that was to the extent.

 

From my memory, you told him he could go screw himself. That's cursing at him. Quite different.

 

FYI: I'm not trying to "out" you AT ALL. I just want you to be cognizant that the way YOU fight can be contributing to some of your relationship difficulties.

 

I'm tellin' ya... PMC. PMC.

[Lauriebell82]

From my memory, you told him he could go screw himself. That's cursing at him. Quite different.

 

FYI: I'm not trying to "out" you AT ALL. I just want you to be cognizant that the way YOU fight can be contributing to some of your relationship difficulties.

 

I'm tellin' ya... PMC. PMC.

 

Yeah, I said that after he told me I wasn't doing s*hit around the apartment and was lazy. So I said both.