Nikki Sahagin Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Whenever I am encountered with a conflict situation i.e. an argument with a boyfriend or family or a stressful situation at work - I cry. Often I cry privately but there are situations/scenarios where I am unable to avoid just bursting into tears. Firstly I am aware this is a very immature and childish response but it seems to be my ONLY response. When me and my boyfriend argue, if I can explain the process, or if I feel in an argument I am being attacked or the other person is not being communicative the way I like or not being reasonable in understanding my view, I feel a pressure in my head and get flustered. I then can feel i'm about to cry so I try to stop it but it ends up happening and usually quite hysterically. If I DO stop myself crying, I just become really detatched, cold and quiet because I am internally 'calming myself down'. Obviously in arguments my boyfriend has noticed this and said at first that my tears were the most horrible thing to see and he would just want to comfort me but that now it is so common to see me cry that he has become quite desensitised to it. He also says there are some things just not worth crying over. Though I know this, the tears seem like a natural reaction, like breathing or yawning. I try to control it but this just feels like i'm avoiding my natural way of expressing this. I know this may sound incredibly trivial and immature but I do find it difficult to deal with a conflict situation without crying and really would like to learn how to become more rational and less emotional in terms of how I react. If there are any other blubbers out there or just anyone with some constructive advice then I would appreciate hearing from you! Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 My 26-year old daughter's the same. Very emotional. In both happy and sad situations.... You should see her blubbing at the cartoon of "small one"..... THis is what you say: You can't help it. This is who you are, this is how things affect you. If they don't like it, that's their problem, not yours. It's very difficult to change an emotional response of this kind. And if I were you, I wouldn't try to suppress it either. Let it all out. The quicker you do it, the quicker you'll calm down. If people can't get used to it, then that's tough. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Hello, I am an honor member of the water waste club, too. I can relate to your post - both the inability of avoiding to burst into tears even in very inappropriate moment and other people not *really* understanding why we cry and getting first shocked then bothered then desensitized to it sound *very* familiar to me! Were you accused of trying to use tears to manipulate others, too? (which is one of the worst accusations a blubber could get, IMO) Edit: Geishawhelk's lovely post first made me feel very good, then made me wonder: if aggressive people are encourage to manage anger, shouldn't it be fair to encourage people who cry too much to control their own emotions? Sometimes I feel that *some* of the tears that are shed in conflict situations are just an outlet for anger and aggressivity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 Hello, I am an honor member of the water waste club, too. I can relate to your post - both the inability of avoiding to burst into tears even in very inappropriate moment and other people not *really* understanding why we cry and getting first shocked then bothered then desensitized to it sound *very* familiar to me! Were you accused of trying to use tears to manipulate others, too? (which is one of the worst accusations a blubber could get, IMO) Edit: Geishawhelk's lovely post first made me feel very good, then made me wonder: if aggressive people are encourage to manage anger, shouldn't it be fair to encourage people who cry too much to control their own emotions? Sometimes I feel that *some* of the tears that are shed in conflict situations are just an outlet for anger and aggressivity. Yes I have been accused of using tears to be manipulative. My boyfriend has said in the past my tears make him feel guilty and pressurised (even though i've explained time and time again it's not about him). This gets on my nerves because I feel he makes 'my issue' about him - when really it's not his fault! Mine is usually loads of emotions hitting me really fast and an inability to know how to communicate them. I am a good communicator...but not my emotions hit me at a mile a minute. And obviously different things cause you to cry. I cry when i'm angry, frustrated, sad (obviously), stressed, pressurised, guilty, disapointed, unappreciated etc. etc. But it's a very draining way to constantly have to express yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Mine is usually loads of emotions hitting me really fast and an inability to know how to communicate them. I am a good communicator...but not my emotions hit me at a mile a minute. And obviously different things cause you to cry. I cry when i'm angry, frustrated, sad (obviously), stressed, pressurised, guilty, disapointed, unappreciated etc. etc. But it's a very draining way to constantly have to express yourself! Once again I can relate - I also have tears for different emotions, and the common factor is the inability to communicate emotions - either because I am unable to put them into words, or because I am afraid to put them into words, or because the other person will keep shutting me up. I am sorry that my tears make other people unconfortable, but I have noticed that sometimes an explanation ("it's just a way of reacting to strong emotions, I am fine") is all that it takes, expecially if they were not the cause of the crying. Do your tears ever make aggressive people even more aggressive towards you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 Only in one situation. I was having an argument with my at the time DRUNK boyfriend. I cried because of the conflict - shouting, screaming etc. He said that I behave like a little girl because of my tears and that I need to grow up and become a woman. So he behaved VERY aggressively instead of sympathetically to my tears. Ironically, his aggressiveness actually stopped me crying because I just went numb with anger at what a ***** he was being... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Hello, .....if aggressive people are encourage to manage anger, shouldn't it be fair to encourage people who cry too much to control their own emotions? Sometimes I feel that *some* of the tears that are shed in conflict situations are just an outlet for anger and aggressivity. You have a point, but anger is not a physical manifestation, like tears. It would take time to suppress the emotional response, and perhaps it could be done through CBT, or desensitisation therapy. But really....? Why bother? I find someone going purple in the face, bellowing at the top of their voice, frothing at the mouth and punching a hole in the wall somewhat less endearing than someone in tears. Tears - I can handle. Level 10 anger.....? Oooooooh, difficult decision...... Link to post Share on other sites
nana yaw II Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Whenever I am encountered with a conflict situation i.e. an argument with a boyfriend or family or a stressful situation at work - I cry. Often I cry privately but there are situations/scenarios where I am unable to avoid just bursting into tears. Firstly I am aware this is a very immature and childish response but it seems to be my ONLY response. When me and my boyfriend argue, if I can explain the process, or if I feel in an argument I am being attacked or the other person is not being communicative the way I like or not being reasonable in understanding my view, I feel a pressure in my head and get flustered. I then can feel i'm about to cry so I try to stop it but it ends up happening and usually quite hysterically. If I DO stop myself crying, I just become really detatched, cold and quiet because I am internally 'calming myself down'. Obviously in arguments my boyfriend has noticed this and said at first that my tears were the most horrible thing to see and he would just want to comfort me but that now it is so common to see me cry that he has become quite desensitised to it. He also says there are some things just not worth crying over. Though I know this, the tears seem like a natural reaction, like breathing or yawning. I try to control it but this just feels like i'm avoiding my natural way of expressing this. I know this may sound incredibly trivial and immature but I do find it difficult to deal with a conflict situation without crying and really would like to learn how to become more rational and less emotional in terms of how I react. If there are any other blubbers out there or just anyone with some constructive advice then I would appreciate hearing from you! well, obviously we are all different and thus respond to situations in different ways. You say you want to control, but IMO, the key question is this - for whom are you looking to control it? Is it for you? If so, then I see no problem here. As human beings, we all grow, morph and change. If a part of us exists that we don't like, it's healthy to want to alter it. Is it for other people? Well which other people? If it's those close to you, well perhaps it's something to ponder or consider. But those close to you, such as family, friends, SOs, etc. should be willing to accept you for you. IMO, family are the ones who understand us best. Friends become are friends since they like us for us. And SOs become our significant others since they also love us for us, and on that basis we give them something that no one else can give them. IMO, we shouldn't feel pressurized into changing any aspect of ourselves, unless we are willing to change the specific "flaw" in question. Be you. And if anybody doesn't like it, then screw them. They aren't worth bothering with. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Hello, I'm also part of the cry club. I cry when I am angry, when I am sad, when I am anxious, when I am really happy, when something moves me emotionally. At the extremes of every emotion, I find myself in tears. I'm not too bothered by it. Like Adunaphel, I do apologize to people if they seem uncomfortable with my tears. I usually do try to save them for private times, though. I think of it as an overload sensor - if I feel I am about to cry, I need to take a time out and let myself catch up with my emotions, so to speak. So I ask for a time out and just let myself cry a bit. It almost always helps things, to take a time out. As for the arguing - IME, when you cry so frequently that your partner's heart gets hardened to your tears, you are fighting too much! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 If I DO stop myself crying, I just become really detatched, cold and quiet because I am internally 'calming myself down'. If you want to discuss something effectively, you do have to become detached. Is there anyway for you to hook into your emotional side so you can express your feelings, without having them all hang out? The difficulty with discussing something with someone who's always crying, is that it's impossible to resolve anything so both sides are relatively satisfied. No one can press a point that matters to them, if someone is in tears. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 One of the best crying scenes I have ever seen was by Juliet Stevenson in "Truly Madly deeply". Real tears, real snot, real wailing and ranting, it was simply a brilliant piece of masterful acting, but boy, did she look - normal! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 One of the best crying scenes I have ever seen was by Juliet Stevenson in "Truly Madly deeply". Real tears, real snot, real wailing and ranting, it was simply a brilliant piece of masterful acting, but boy, did she look - normal! That is one of my all-time favourite movies! How to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I cry easily in conflict situations, when emotionally hurt but also when angry, and it is really annoying because at a time when I want to seem strong in the face of conflict I feel that it makes me seem weak. It is very hard not to cry though, once it starts. When I was much younger, I worked at a preschool and I had a very sarcastic boss. He was always sneering at me and making snide remarks, and not in a funny way, just in a mean way. I decided to quit and tell him exactly why. The whole point was to stand up to him, and I desperately did not want to cry but I couldn't help it. Even though I was doing something assertive, I felt I was coming across as this weepy girl, but there was nothing I could do about it. I just continued to state my issue with him and went through with quitting. He later apologized, requested that I stay, and then, bizarrely, asked me if I wanted to join his side business, which was a pyramid scheme selling Amway products! I could never figure out what it was about my performance that made suddenly think I might be a good saleswoman. (Needless to say, I refused the Amway thing.) Maybe he wanted me to cry all over people until they needed cleaning supplies really badly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 well, obviously we are all different and thus respond to situations in different ways. You say you want to control, but IMO, the key question is this - for whom are you looking to control it? Is it for you? If so, then I see no problem here. As human beings, we all grow, morph and change. If a part of us exists that we don't like, it's healthy to want to alter it. Is it for other people? Well which other people? If it's those close to you, well perhaps it's something to ponder or consider. But those close to you, such as family, friends, SOs, etc. should be willing to accept you for you. IMO, family are the ones who understand us best. Friends become are friends since they like us for us. And SOs become our significant others since they also love us for us, and on that basis we give them something that no one else can give them. IMO, we shouldn't feel pressurized into changing any aspect of ourselves, unless we are willing to change the specific "flaw" in question. Be you. And if anybody doesn't like it, then screw them. They aren't worth bothering with. To be honest it would be for my boyfriend that I would be trying to change. And so BINGO - you've just made me realise I have been wanting to change for the wrong reasons and so now I no longer what to. People will just have to accept that I am an emotional person! Link to post Share on other sites
Myusername Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Geisha Truly, Madly, Deeply I agree completely ...brilliant scene.....just utterly brilliant. Nikki I cry too much also, but really don't mind it at times. I do mind it if it would be a business/professional situation (coworker/manager..etc tears not so helpful then..lol)..but I accept that I am emotional because with it for me, at least, comes a lot of sensitivity to the world and other people. But you are asking are there ways to cry less? I think yes, mine came with time, therapy work on myself, a bit more self confidence. I cant say I worked a plan to cry less, but I worked hard to try and grow and learn about myself and why I was so overly sensitive. SO I cry a bit less and when I need to cry, I just do it... Hugs Myusername Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 My best friend is a crier. She cries pretty much every day. Her bf is the same as yours- the tears come so often they have no impact on him. He resents the tears. Same with work, she can't control it- so tears have become a regular part of how she interacts with co-workers. I am pretty used to getting calls 3-4 times a week with her in tears. I think it's just who she is- I love her, so I accept her as she is. I have two PMS days a month where I am on edge with tears (but I stop them)- other than that I have great difficulty crying, even when I know I should be crying. I just say over and over "don't cry, don't cry, I will not cry"... I guess focusing on that takes focus off the tears. That's hard to do in the middle of an arguement though! I don't think it's something you can control all the time. Unless you can detach yourself. I think it's just a part of who you are. Is it really that bad to react in such a way? You cry, then you get over it right? Probably feel better after? I don't see a big issue with it! Link to post Share on other sites
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