jalexy Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 do any of these relationships ever work out and end in marriage, a happy one at that? i have heard nothing good about LDR's and the only one i know about that is working is one, one LDR total. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 If both parties are totally satisfied with a relationship, it will work no matter what the circumstances. But in LDR's, unless they have previously bonded in person or both suffer from the same pathology that keeps them from seeking closer relationships, they don't work out long term. Unless the two parties are able to spend quality, in person, time with the other fairly often...there's just no chance. Now, I do think you can have long distance friendships via email, IMs or whatever but not romance in the commonly accepted way. Link to post Share on other sites
Thor Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 I've only known of 4 couples who ended up with a LDR that ended up married to each other. In all of those cases, the couples were very devoted to each other (as far as I could tell) and kept up the love. However, the relationship actually soured after they were all married to each other. Each situation was very similar with the other in that each person knew how to get along when NOT in the other person's space, but couldn't cope when they were with each other. Don't know if that helps, but it's what I've seen. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 Jalexy, long distance relationships CAN work, but there's a lot of sacrificing and adjustments to be made, and both parties have to be committed to making it work. Unless you're just plain stubborn, don't try it, because there are so many factors involved that it's easy to run into problems, especially if you're younger and unseasoned in the ways of relationships. Dating someone who lives across town is different from dating someone working halfway across the globe is different from being two or three hours apart from your sweetie. The only way you get to really know someone is if you're with them a good deal of the time -- if you're apart because of work or school, things get more complicated, because you're basing a huge chunk of that relationship on assumption. Assuming that you know what the other person wants or is okay with; assuming that things are going to be "just so" even when you are apart; assuming that the two of you will be on the up and up with each other. And, as Thor points out, the problems don't end once you're physically with that person -- instead of being in your "normal" environment apart from each other, now you've got to learn how to deal with that person while he/she is there. Sort of like going on a weekend trip with someone. You're excited about being able to spend every day and every night with that person, but it soon wears off because you're with that person 24/7 for the whole time -- there's no time for being by yourself, which is hard when you get used to not having that person around. Link to post Share on other sites
junipergirl Posted October 5, 2003 Share Posted October 5, 2003 Mine's working so far.. Whether an LDR works or not is dependent on a lot of things. We met in India, he's in Prague, I'm in the UK (about 2 hours or so flying time away). We've been going strong for just over a year now, and I can really see us lasting. There are a few reasons (I beleive) why our relationship is strong, even though its LD. #1 We met and have been dating LD since the start, which means that we are pretty much used to our situation from the beginning. What happens when we finally live together (should be in around another year - we are both finishing up studies) is another matter, but I believe it will work, as when I do see him we spend 24/7 together, no problems as yet. #2 we are both studying, which means we have the best of both worlds. We both get to be independent people, do our own thing, pursue our own goals, and yet know that we will be there for each other in the background. Why does it matter that we're apart when we have the rest of our lives to be together? #3 Related to #2, we dont phone/email/text every day. Maybe I'll speak to him once a week. This way we don't get bored, its exciting to hear from him and when we speak we have loads to tell each other, and don't spend the whole conversation talking about our relationship. Infact, we rarely talk about our relationship over the phone, it can get too messy. That stuff is reserved strictly for visits. #4 re: jealousy. Put simply, dont get jealous. There is simply no point as even if they are 'cheating' there is nothing you can do about it anyway. The suspicion, questions etc can be enough to drive them away from you, so if you trust them then they probably arent cheating. If you don't trust them then you are in the wrong relationship anyway. Trust is extremely vital in an LDR. #5 You must beleive that the LDR is going somewhere, that it has a future, otherwise there is just no point. Even though its taking a risk, isnt investing your time in all relationships (not just LDRS) a risk anyway? #6 Finally, the times when we can be together - if its just a week, two weeks whatever - is worth the time we spend apart from each other. Once that stops happening, then its time to end it. Of course, these points apply specifically to us and our situation. It is all dependent on distance, age, maturity etc etc. and of course, on the chemistry between you. I am not sure that even if I applied the same rules, another relationship would work out. Do whats right for you and your situation. We didnt look at the rules beforehand and decide to stick to them, this is the pattern we fell into over time, and so far its working out. Maybe it wont last, who knows? But as I said, not all relationships last anyway, but we both want it to work out and that I beleive is what is holding us together. Link to post Share on other sites
kspring Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 I'm in a LDR and it's working great for us. It's hard not seeing each other everyday like we're used to (his job requires him to travel .. alot) but the times we do get together are fantastic and definetly worth the wait. I found this quote some time back and it's always helped me get through the times we're apart ... "..contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they dont see it nearly enough..." Article in Oprah magazine Link to post Share on other sites
innocent Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 My boyfriend and I are in an LDR, we have been together for about a year and 7 months, and we are very good. I think that I will be with him forever. We hardly have any real problems The only thing that I suggest that helps LDR's is that you all are serious, no doubts, because that is the one thing that will prevent you all from having a strong relationship, and lasting, for most people. I agree that it is hardly different than most relationships, and that with any relationship you are taking a risk anyway, so why not, you just have to be ready to work harder at this relationship. I love that quote! GOOD LUCK! Link to post Share on other sites
cjag03 Posted October 9, 2003 Share Posted October 9, 2003 if you really care about the person and see a promising future, then all you need to do is focus on what it will be like when you ARE together. Your relationship will be much stronger and will appreciate one another much more Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 I've had a long-distance relationship and my cousin has, too. She got married and now, three years later, she has two kids; on the other hand, I wasn't so fortunate. Depends on circumstances, but to answer your question: yes, sometimes they do work. You have to feel each other out, though. Someone's going to make sacrifices and you both have to figure out how that's going to work. Link to post Share on other sites
vollie Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 If both parties are totally satisfied with a relationship, it will work no matter what the circumstances. But in LDR's, unless they have previously bonded in person or both suffer from the same pathology that keeps them from seeking closer relationships, they don't work out long term. Unless the two parties are able to spend quality, in person, time with the other fairly often...there's just no chance. Now, I do think you can have long distance friendships via email, IMs or whatever but not romance in the commonly accepted way. I have to agree with Tony here, I think that they can work out, but not over email or IMs. I am presently in a LDR with a lovely girl I met over the net. After a few months of chatting and IM-ing, I became rather tired of just that... had to meet her, so I booked a flight and we met... and when we met, she was even more lovely than I had ever imagined!! We got on so well... and we still do after a year of having met. It is possible to make it work... but what's the point in a LDR??!! I want to be with this girl, and I try to book a flight to see her once a month... this is what keeps it going. Sure, we have regular video-conferences with live audio and sound... but... boring... it's just not the same unless we are together... but the video-chat's are just one way we can get to "see" each other until the next time we meet...but that said... I want a permanent relationship with someone I can see and touch... the LDR is just a means to an end, and I am making plans to try to be with her one day... in the meantime there is all the communication that must be kept up if it is to work... in the order of importance in terms of communication when we are apart... I would rate the following in order... 1 - Phone calls 2 - letters (yes, real ones with real hand-writing!!) 3 - flowers and stuff to let her know that it's alive! 4 - Chat/Video conference 5 - emails Note - the electronic stuff seems to have taken a back seat... and that's how it is with relationships... use the Internet to get what you want... then try to dump it quickly for REAL communication, which means FAR more. Electronic media is so impersonal! Then there's the trust issue... based on how well you commmunicate with each other... and I have learned of late, that the best way to be in a LDR... is VERY honest... you cannot pussy-foot around with bad communication about how you feel on certain issues... tell it like it is from day 1 (now... be nice about it... your partner is human and prone to their own humane-ness... just like you yourself are imperfect!!)... get used to the idea of loving the person... don't fall in love with the idea of being in love... or it's not going to work well... it's the person you need to get to know... not your fantasies... OK, I'm warbling on here... but my answer to you is that they can and do work... but there has to be clear and personal communication... as well as a healthy measure of trust... and some plans for the future... why else would you go into this in the first place?? I would say that MANY of these don't work out... but perhaps that is because the communication has not been what it should have been. I'm very happy in mine.. but I don't want it to last forever... what would be the point in that... I want to grow together with her... and that comes with talking about the future together, and making the plans come true!! http://www.angelfire.com/space/badcat/summer2003/summer.htm Link to post Share on other sites
DJ-TK Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 Originally posted by cjag03 Your relationship will be much stronger and will appreciate one another much more This is very true... I think after being in such relationship, you'll appreciate more what youhave and be more thankful for it... Vollie ! You wrote some really good stuff there (And you look like a very happy couple in the pictures)... Making plans for the future is very important... I'm so looking forward for my next visit to my girl which happens every three months... This LDR is exhasting, but definitly worth the outcome... You should try thinking of your future together and the times you will meet, and this will make it work... About you priorities: 1 - Phone calls 2 - letters (yes, real ones with real hand-writing!!) 3 - flowers and stuff to let her know that it's alive! 4 - Chat/Video conference 5 - emails I have to agree with you on that.. Letters (not e - mails) are so more personal then E-Mail... I would also rate phone calls as no. 1.... Hearing the voice... the tone, the reactions is probably the closest you'll get to that person, yeah - even more than with a webcam.... After honesty, communication is indeed VERY important, actually is kinda the only thing you have at the moment (besides feelings), so it is important use it the best way you can.. If you'll talk, you will keep the intimicy and closeness, you will feel like knowing the other peson and what's going on with him, his life and his feelings... I guess I got really outta the subject.. Anyway.. LDR's would work, if you'll want them to and try your best... LOVE would probably be what keeps you going and trying and feel like talking and wanting to visit to other person, and stay in this hard hard LDR, even though it is soooo damn hard... Me and my girl we're together for a year and then I moved 6000 miles from her... We are still close, still love each other and I know we'll survive this, and that it's worth the great future which is waiting for us.... Link to post Share on other sites
junipergirl Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 Originally posted by DJ-TK it's worth the great future which is waiting for us.... Wise words DJ-TK. this is the most crucial element in any LDR. If you both don't see a future together, you're wasting your time. Link to post Share on other sites
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