PerfectLee Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years now and we're excitedly getting married in 2 weeks!!! She called me earlier today to let me know that her ex-girlfriend of 5 years was killed last night by her own husband, then he turned the gun onto himself. My girlfriends ex was married to this guy for 2 years and due to him finding out that she cheated on him with another man, he took her life. She was 25. They were together in high school and after for 5 years, but have been out of touch for the last 5 years. She's devastated. She found out through a mutual friend they shared. I never knew this girl, and in the beginning I felt threatened a little because of their history, but through the years I've accepted her ex as just that: Her ex. No one deserved to die the way she did, and the hardest thing for everyone right now is knowing that she didn't die instantly. She suffered for a while with a gun shot to her head and died later in the hospital. During this exciting time of our wedding in 2 weeks, how in the world are we going to deal with tragedy? My girlfriends' family just found out, everyone they went to high school with is finding out... this isn't going to "blow over" in a week. I have never been married before, although I have suffered much loss with death in my own life. I know that my role should be: To be there for her, to listen, to understand, and allow her to grieve the way she feels is best. Does anyone have any additional advice? I would appreciate any! Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 You will experience many other inopportune events like this one throughout your married life. The way you handle this one is likely to set the tone throughout the marriage. Death never comes at the right time. And a murder, well, worse than just a regular death from an illness or old-age. I am sorry for the loss that your family and friends, and you by extension, are experiencing. I would suggest going ahead with your plans unless your girlfriend has asked that the wedding be postponed. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I know that my role should be: To be there for her, to listen, to understand, and allow her to grieve the way she feels is best. That is profoundly insightful and supportive of you. Also remember, though, to take proper care yourself in these two weeks leading up to your big day. To the extent that both you and your bride are comfortable with it, and if the deceased is known to many of your wedding guests, you could have a prayer said in her name during the service, or remember her in some other way during the reception (song dedication, poem reading, something short and sweet.) That is, *IF* it feels comfortable and natural, incorporate her memory so that it becomes part of your special day instead of the unspoken "thing" that hovers over and under your celebration. God bless. I do hope your wedding day will be as wonderful for you as every bridal couple deserves. And, of course, wishing you a long, healthy and happy life together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PerfectLee Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 Thanks Ronni-I have been very supportive but have kept my personal opinions to myself. I don't want her to overextend herself because she feels the need to do MORE for the family etc... and we have a wedding to concentrate on. I haven't said anything because I don't know how to come across as insightful/helpful instead of bossy or motherly. The family invited her not only to the funeral, but also to the wake, spreading of the ashes, and they're wanting any pictures that she might have to be given to the family, which will require her to spend some time looking and digging for them. My GF has no days off from work until the wedding day, so I don't know how she's going to manage everything in a short period of time. Only the immediate family knows, and we're not telling anyone until after the wedding. Knowing her family, they will grieve for a long time and if we tell them before the wedding, they will probably NOT have a good time. NoIDidn't-Thank you for that insight. My GF hasn't asked for anything to change (thank goodness) and really wants to put this behind her. She's going through the "guilt" phase right now where she's saying things like: "If only I would have called her.." and "I told her a long time ago that she shouldn't be with this guy..." "What if I treated her better..." etc... The only way I know how to respond to this is to reassure her that no matter what, it wasn't her fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 I don't know how to come across as insightful/helpful instead of bossy or motherly. You really can't go wrong with asking . "What do you need? How can I help you sort out your old photos? How about we leave this for 30 minutes and go for a walk (coffee, ice cream)?" Different type of reassurance would be something like, "Honey, you were a terrific friend. You BOTH had a strong connection. You BOTH knew that the other was always there when needed. You gave her the best support and encouragement that you knew how to do -- you never judged and criticized her choices. I'm sure she very much appreciated you for that." (Whatever is closest to the truth of their relationship.) Also to acknowledge, "This is going to be a super-tough couple of weeks, so I'm counting on you to let me know what you need from me, and when you need it. Fair enough?" And to joke, "Hey, you better also be taking care of yourself or I'm gonna hafta pull my ' bossy mom thang' on you! And we don't want that, do we?" And to reassure, "No worries, Hon. We are gonna get through this, and our day is gonna be wonderful, and you are gonna make a spectacular bride, and we are REALLY gonna deserve our honeymoon. And we're gonna make the brightest, bestest future of any couple in history!!!" For yourself, focus on that there last reassurance, too. (No need for 'negative Neil' thoughts about "How is she gonna do it all? She is gonna be a wreck, she is gonna have a meltdown." Mostly cos they don't really serve a useful purpose, and just will put out negative "vibes".) YOU are doing great, too, btw -- being so concerned and caring. She is lucky to have you, is what is coming through in this thread of yours. Link to post Share on other sites
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