Break the Engagement?

[thatguy85]

Hi all. I'm really confused as to what to do. My fiancee and I have been engaged for 2 years now, and we are both starting to worry about our future. We are set to get married in June of this year, so we need to make a decision before its too late. We are both 23 years old and have been together for 5.5 years now (I'm the guy by the way). Theres no doubt that we still love each other very very much - but I really don't know what to do here.

 

Here are some problems we are having...

 

1. Her ex - hes been a huge distraction for me for a very long time. I had a whole 'nother thread about that here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t172812/ Most likely I was being too insecure, but this is a huge deal.

 

2. She wants me to change - She constantly tells me I lack the fire I once had, and that I got too comfortable. She questions whether I still find her attractive and says I am not romantic enough or show her enough attention. I'm doing the best I can here - but we both understand this has to come naturally. I cant try to be someone I'm not, and she doesnt want me to force it... she wants it to just happen.

 

3. Both unhappy where we're at - I'm in a high paying job that I hate. I'd love to further invest in myself through school and education and start a career I really want. I feel locked into a bad job because we need the money. She makes very little money but is happy with her job. She wants to leave it for a higher paying job - but has had a hard time finding something. She doesn't drive, can't afford to pay her own debts and if we were to part ways she wouldn't have anywhere to go. We both want to find our own identity but both have hard a hard time moving forward. Also - we are both very broke and it is hard to pay for rent. We have a very hard time saving for our future. I have a buch of buddies who share a place, and I sometimes feel as though If I living there I could really set myself up. (They pay like 1/5th of what I do just because of rent/bills pooling)

 

4. Parenting style and religion. We don't agree a lot on these. We are in the same ballpark 80% of the time - but we still get into arguments when it comes to church activity and how we plan on raising our children in the future.

 

5. Lifestyle - I want to get away and travel the world while I'm young and don't have the commitment of children. She on the other hand tells me she wants to do the same but whenever we look into it more seriously she backs out because she is afraid to leave her family. She also wants babies within the next couple years, and I don't think I'll be ready.

 

6. Fights - All of the above have resulted in a lot of fights.

 

 

Looking over this list, its pretty obvious what kind of replies I'll get here. I just want everyone to know though that I love her more than I've loved anyone - and she loves me as well. I have become very close to her family, and she has also grown to be an integral part of mine. Shes a great woman and I fear that if I let her go - even for a little bit, someone else will scoop her up and I will never love anyone like I love her. It makes me sick to imagine her with someone else. Also - My parents have spent a lot of time and effort coordinating the wedding and I feel like if I cancel it then I will have let them down. I'm worried about what people will say (especially friends and family).

 

I don't think that If I broke the engagement or delayed the wedding that we'd be able to stay with each other or continue to live together. I think we'd need to part ways for some time to grow as individuals. We've talked about this and she feels the same way. Deep down inside though I still want her...am I just confused? I also don't want her to fall apart without me. I have grown to be her "rock" of stability... I don't want her to go down a destructive path.

 

There it all is... please help me?

[carhill]

First thought, reading both posts..... a bit young to be writing War and Peace

 

Observations:

 

Get some PMC. You're both young and have been together since your late teens, which is a time of huge change for most young adults. Love is a really cool thing but compatibility, along with effort, is what makes a marriage work.

 

Her "ex" is just one of many men in her long life who wanted/will want her. Question is: what does she want? Maturity indicates, if she has moved beyond romantic attraction with him and still sees that he has it for her, she needs to end the contact herself, both for his sake as well as that of your relationship. Perhaps, in the future, if/when he resolves his romantic feelings, they can indeed be good friends. Now, OTOH, if she likes having him and his attraction around for an ego feed/tool with you, or still has residual romantic feelings for him, then we have other issues.

 

IMO, if you're not moving forward with confidence, do not marry. BTW, women invariably survive without men to "take care of them". Women have a great support network, both of friends and of men who want to have sex with them. All make for great tools of help and support. No worries there. She'll be fine It's far more important to make a healthy decision for yourself. PMC will help you take a hard look at yourself too, something I did not cover here. You're about to make a life-changing decision. That's a lot to consider for a young person. Hope it works out

[norajane]

If you're not 100% certain, don't do it. You're soooo young, and you got involved with her when you were what? 17? 18?

 

The decade ahead of you is a time of great change. It doesn't sound like the two of you are heading in the same direction. It's ok to call it quits and regroup, figure out who you are as an adult on your own, and then find someone who is looking for the same things you are.

 

If you marry, I'm guessing you'll have that first kid within a year or two, and all your dreams for travel will be out the window. There are plenty of women out there. You'll find one who shares your dreams.

 

Don't get married because you are afraid of the unknown. Get married when you meet your life partner.

[eclipseIDE]

After reading both your posts, no way in hell should you get married! If you have this much drama now it will only get worsel Youll never last

[reservoirdog1]

I'm not saying not to get married at all. But don't get married WITHOUT HAVING RESOLVED THESE ISSUES. If they can't be resolved, then you shouldn't marry. Because frankly, they're major.

 

At the very least, you should postpone the wedding. Then you're not staring down the barrel of a deadline. Because frankly, it may take a lot more than six months to resolve the issues (or discover that they can't be resolved).

 

Yes, postponing, cancelling or breaking up will cause inconvenience, hurt feelings or pain. But I wouldn't worry too much about your parents -- they want what's best for you and they want you to be happy, and if you tell them what you just told us, they'll probably understand.

 

You mentioned that if you part ways, she'll have nowhere to go. She does have her family, keep in mind.

 

You're very young. You have goals and dreams that you have yet to pursue, or aren't able to pursue in the current situation. It'll be much harder to pursue them when you're married and have kids. Some of them -- like travelling the world -- will become almost impossible.

 

Look at it this way: you only have one shot at life. Some of the things you're anticipating you'll regret, are things that I actually DO regret about my life. At the end of the day, the first priority is YOUR happiness. Otherwise you're living for other people, and that's no way to live.

[Haner]

I think you should cancel the engagement.

[Touche]

I think we'd need to part ways for some time to grow as individuals.

 

Absolutely right.

 

You really DO change a lot from the age of 18 or so until about early 30's.

 

I have absolutely NO doubt in my mind that if you two get married you will be divorced within 5 years (probably in 3 though.) No doubt.

 

Nothing in your post tells me you have a chance at success here. Neither one of you are even close to being ready for marriage. Trust me, love is NOT enough to have a good marriage. You two are missing some of the other ingredients needed. Big time.

 

Don't do it. You WILL regret it.

[lkjh]

You already know what you want to do so do it. You posted one thread about her ex and how she was about to cheat on you with him and now this.