I have a small crush on someone...and Im married

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

There is a new co worker of mine that just started about a month or so.

We do some innocent flirtation but I do have a small school crush on him..is this normal?

He's more on the side of the heavy flirtation because I know his feelings are more than a crush...

I don't go to far with the flirtation because I love my husband very much. i was just curious of this is normal in marriages. I would never ever cheat on my husband.

Anyone ever been in this situation?

[quankanne]

I think it's pretty much a normal thing, kinda like having a major crush on a movie star or musician ... more along the fantasy realm than anything else. As long as you don't let it get past the fantasy stage, it's really a harmless thing because you're not acting on it.

 

it's only when someone starts actively pursuing those feelings that trouble starts, IMO.

 

and yeah, to answer your question, over the years i've had a crush on two of our seminarians who are just the sweetest guys ever, but have tried very hard not to show any kind of favoritism or other feelings because it would mean my job. And because I have no intention of derailing my vows ... or theirs!

[hotgurl]

I think it is normal to have a crush on someone while married.

 

as long as you don't act on it it is ok.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

I thought it was normal..what about the flirting?

[hotgurl]

I flirt all the time. It is harmless.

[Trialbyfire]

Time to shut it down OP, especially if one party is flirting heavily. Having a small crush on someone leaves you open for more. It's up to you whether you want to push the envelope or not. Read up on the Infidelity and the OW/OM forum if you don't believe that pushing the envelope won't get you in trouble. People aren't as strong as they believe themselves to be.

[Trimmer]

Time to shut it down OP, especially if one party is flirting heavily. Having a small crush on someone leaves you open for more. It's up to you whether you want to push the envelope or not. Read up on the Infidelity and the OW/OM forum if you don't believe that pushing the envelope won't get you in trouble. People aren't as strong as they believe themselves to be.

I agree. While I think a crush can be normal, I agree that it shouldn't be acted upon, nor communicated to the other party. I think that mixing a crush with flirting is like bringing together fuel and heat... All you need is the oxygen to make it flare up into a problem situation.

 

Note also that the OP has already said:

He's more on the side of the heavy flirtation because I know his feelings are more than a crush...

How close to the danger zone do you want to push this? Knowing that you yourself have the crush, and that his feelings are even more serious, how can you look at it as "innocent" flirtation?

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

How close to the danger zone do you want to push this? Knowing that you yourself have the crush, and that his feelings are even more serious, how can you look at it as "innocent" flirtation?

Because Im the one doing the innocent flirting...Ive showed him my ring when he's said things that I thought were to far...for example...he said to me he picks on me like a boy picks on a girl in school cause they like them....

And I showed him my wedding ring as my response

[Trialbyfire]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1681255&postcount=2

 

OP, you should read this post.

 

Btw, why are you flirting with someone who's interested in more? What are you getting out of it? Is it an ego boost? Why do you need this ego boost?

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Its not an ego boost....my flirting is not intentional..I am a flirty person..whether I have a crush on them or not...I am also very friendly and people might take that the wrong way too...but it has NOTHING to do with my ego

[Trialbyfire]

Is there any reason why you can't control your own behaviour by shutting this down?

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Its not by behavior..its who i am. I am a friendly flirtatious person...I am not a heavy flirter now that I am married...but before I was I would flirt heavily.

[norajane]

Imagine your husband feeling, thinking and behaving as you are with some woman he works with every day.

 

Would it bother you to know he was flirting and that woman had feelings for him? Would it bother you to know he had a crush on her and continued to flirt with her every day? Would you like him to be more proactive in shutting it down?

[Trialbyfire]

While I understand that you're a flirtatious and friendly person, you also have full control over your flirting and friendly behaviour. If you shut him down cold but keep it civil in the workplace, you can stop this from becoming an affair.

 

How much do you respect your husband? If you truly respect, trust and love him, this wouldn't be much of an effort on your part to shut it down.

 

Every man and woman has free will. They also have the ability to control themselves, reliant on how they prioritize their spouse's feelings v. their own feelings.

 

Does that make sense?

[Trimmer]

Its not an ego boost....my flirting is not intentional..I am a flirty person..whether I have a crush on them or not...I am also very friendly and people might take that the wrong way too...but it has NOTHING to do with my ego

So, your continued flirting - with a man to whom you are attracted, and who has communicated clearly to you that he is very attracted to you - is outside your control?

[quankanne]

I don't think it's that easy to cut it off when you like someone – whether you find that person attractive or you simply are a flirty person. About the only time you WOULDN'T consider flirting is if you found the other person odious.

 

at this point, I think if IHNFC is concerned about it, she understands that the ball is in her court to cease the flirtacious behavior because it wouldn't end favorably. So instead of razzing her about what she needs to do, we should be encouraging her to start distancing herself from this crush.

 

IHNFC – maybe it's just time to savor the feelings associate with that crush and leave it at that. Because you've got too much at stake to let it get past this point, esp. if he's buying into it while you understand it's just mere flirting.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

So, your continued flirting - with a man to whom you are attracted, and who has communicated clearly to you that he is very attracted to you - is outside your control?

 

I did not say i was attracted to him...i said I had a small school girl crush on him...

When you refer to compulsive liars...isnt that out of there control because that is who they are..compulsive liars.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

I don't think it's that easy to cut it off when you like someone – whether you find that person attractive or you simply are a flirty person. About the only time you WOULDN'T consider flirting is if you found the other person odious.

 

at this point, I think if IHNFC is concerned about it, she understands that the ball is in her court to cease the flirtacious behavior because it wouldn't end favorably. So instead of razzing her about what she needs to do, we should be encouraging her to start distancing herself from this crush.

 

IHNFC – maybe it's just time to savor the feelings associate with that crush and leave it at that. Because you've got too much at stake to let it get past this point, esp. if he's buying into it while you understand it's just mere flirting.

Thanks Quake....that's what i was looking for..

[Trialbyfire]

I don't think it's that easy to cut it off when you like someone – whether you find that person attractive or you simply are a flirty person. About the only time you WOULDN'T consider flirting is if you found the other person odious.

 

at this point, I think if IHNFC is concerned about it, she understands that the ball is in her court to cease the flirtacious behavior because it wouldn't end favorably. So instead of razzing her about what she needs to do, we should be encouraging her to start distancing herself from this crush.

 

IHNFC – maybe it's just time to savor the feelings associate with that crush and leave it at that. Because you've got too much at stake to let it get past this point, esp. if he's buying into it while you understand it's just mere flirting.

quank, while I agree with you on a lot of your posts, I completely disagree with this post.

 

It's easy to shut someone down. 1...2...3, if you're not already in the danger zone.

 

To pander to the flirtation, is asking for trouble.

 

OP, define yourself. Who are you? How do you see yourself? Do your feelings matter more than your husband's, especially since it would be YOU, violating YOUR vows.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

I think it is normal to have a crush on someone while married.

 

as long as you don't act on it it is ok.

 

Oh i would never..and if he does say something out of line..i show him my ring..

[lonelyandfrustrated]

You should do like I do, and keep your crushes for American idol contestants. I can hardly wait to find out who my crush will be this year! I'm sure my husband is groaning already. He's always so happy when my 'boyfriend' gets booted, lol.

 

I do think you should cool it with this guy, though, before something happens. Crush in PERSON? Danger!

[2nd-Best]

I think that having a crush on someone and flirting with them at work is entirely wrong, how would you feel if he was doing this behind your back.. yeah you could use the argument "what we dont know what hurt us" but its besides the point.. If you are in love with your husband why are you falling in lust with other people? Being attracted to someone is one thing.. Having a crush is another, crushes are when you like the other person, you have a bond with them you get butterflys that sort of thing, and if someone else aside from your husband is giving you these feelings especially a co worker, i would say cut the flirting off and get your head straight or be single and flirt and date whom ever you'd please.

 

I couldnt imagine the thought of knowing my bf was crushing on someone else, it would break my heart, and I certainly would not hurt him like that either.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

I think that having a crush on someone and flirting with them at work is entirely wrong, how would you feel if he was doing this behind your back.. yeah you could use the argument "what we dont know what hurt us" but its besides the point.. If you are in love with your husband why are you falling in lust with other people? Being attracted to someone is one thing.. Having a crush is another, crushes are when you like the other person, you have a bond with them you get butterflys that sort of thing, and if someone else aside from your husband is giving you these feelings especially a co worker, i would say cut the flirting off and get your head straight or be single and flirt and date whom ever you'd please.

 

I couldnt imagine the thought of knowing my bf was crushing on someone else, it would break my heart, and I certainly would not hurt him like that either.

 

There is no touching involved..its not like were hugging eachother....its like innocent jockingly banter..

and remember people ITS A SMALL CRUSH....Im not in love with the guy

[Trialbyfire]

There's short-term thinking, aka pandering to feelings of the crush and long-term thinking.

 

I doubt that the OP wants to hear about anything else beyond the former. She wants people to validate her crush, so she can stroke it in private.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Its not like i wait for him to come in to work or find things purposely to be around him..its not like that at all. Or get excited when I see him...