I have a small crush on someone...and Im married

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Exactly. Life would be pretty boring if there was no playfulness.

 

Anyway, as was said before, the OP's husband isn't the insecure type. This is not going to bother him in the least, and he has full confidence in the OP to deal with things in her own way, and in her own time. Relationships are all about trust, and every little thing does not need to be micromanaged by committee.

Well said....

[Phateless]

There is personality, and there is behavior. They are separate things.

 

Personality is who you are and how you think and feel.

 

Behavior is things you do. You can CHOOSE not to flirt with this guy. It's on you.

[Dumbledore]

There is personality, and there is behavior. They are separate things.

Hello?! Personality and behaviour are exactly the same - do you think somebody's personality has no influence over their behaviour? A flirty nature goes hand-in-hand with being an outgoing, fun person. There aren't any "choices" to make, because she's just being herself.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Hello?! Personality and behaviour are exactly the same - do you think somebody's personality has no influence over their behaviour? A flirty nature goes hand-in-hand with being an outgoing, fun person. There aren't any "choices" to make, because she's just being herself.

 

I agree with this 1000000%.

They do go hand in hand

Well saif Dumbeldore

[seibert253]

You're walking on a tightrope here. Very easy for you to fall. Ask yourself one question to put all this in prospective:

-If it were your husband engaging in your behavior, how would it make you feel? Angry, upset, hurt, or indifferent? I'm thinking you wouldn't be too pleased to say the least.

Most affairs begin with "innocent" flirting, and many women who end up in affairs say prior to an affair that, "my husband is the greatest guy on earth, and I would never do anything to hurt him", but that's just what ends up happening. IMO you need to cut off all contact with this guy before it gets out of hand.

[Dumbledore]

I can't believe how many people on this thread are getting carried away with a little bit of innocent flirting. Women do it all the time - to get out of a speeding ticket, or jump a queue - the list is endless. All at the expense of weak-willed men, haha.

 

It's possible that many on this thread are internalising too much. Take a step back, and think about answering more objectively.

 

I don't think I'd want to invite too many of you to a party. I can hear those crickets chirping right now.

[whichwayisup]

A flirty nature goes hand-in-hand with being an outgoing, fun person. There aren't any "choices" to make, because she's just being herself.

 

Someone's personality may be fun and outgoing, but one can choose to flirt or not. Certain behaviours are controllable because flirting back and forth is an action and a reaction.

[Trialbyfire]

Lighthearted flirting with someone of disinterest, doesn't usually generate a thread for validation. If this is something harmless, there would be no need to share it. You'd just forget about it except at the time it's happening.

[Dumbledore]

Because obviously this is her first marriage and first time having a crush on someone while married. She wanted other people's thoughts on this and also wanted to know if anyone else has had crushes while married.

Exactly. This is not about validation or enablement. It's a simple question, which some posters have, unfortunately, internalised too much.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Now, he does do it to a lot of the girls in the office (me more though)...but yesterday this is what happened...

He came over to my desk and knocked my pen holder over...i was like what the eff..jokingly of course cause I really didn't care...he said..oh its like school..when you like someone you pull there hair and knock them down...Then i said..well My husband didn't have to do that to get me...just to keep reminding him.

 

Just a few quick pointers.

 

1st. As a guy I know this game really well. When you mention your husband, and continue to flirt you are sending a different message than you intend. He more than likely takes this to mean that you don't respect your husband. Why? Because guys focus on respect, power and hierarchy. Flirting is showing sexual interest in someone, so when you have a man and show sexual interest in another guy that makes it clear you don't respect your current man.

 

2nd point. This is just a really small thing at the moment. It's almost not worth making a thread over, however you seem to crave the attention. The danger in this situation is that you become attached to the attention this guy provides. Right now you don't have to do anything to encourage it, but how are you going to react when he decides to flirt with another girl in the office more than you? Many women will try to get that attention back, which will deepen the crush. If he is smart, he will work you like this. Just something for you to consider.

[Dumbledore]

Flirting is showing sexual interest in someone,

Thanks for a thoughtful post, but you came off the rails with this comment. Flirting is mostly just harmless fun. As I said earlier, women do it all the time to get what they want, and not for a second do they have sexual interest in the parties they are flirting with. You have a lot to learn about women.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Thanks for a thoughtful post, but you came off the rails with this comment. Flirting is mostly just harmless fun. As I said earlier, women do it all the time to get what they want, and not for a second do they have sexual interest in the parties they are flirting with. You have a lot to learn about women.

 

Tossing a flirtatious comment to a cop, the doorman, the waiter, a guy on a plane, is fun and innocent.

 

When you flirt with the SAME person day after day, that's indicating sexual interest.

[Trimmer]

OK, let me just clarify something.

Small crush might have been an overstatement....

Now, he does do it to a lot of the girls in the office...

Some people in the office purposely mess something up so they can go near hm etc....

Its very trivial stuff...

he is a VERY VERY flirtatious person...

 

So, originally, I thought she's got a small crush and she's worried because she's married (it's there, in the subject line) and she's sure that the guy has feelings deeper than a crush ("I know..." she said, there in the original post...) and she was not able to moderate her own flirty behavior in response.

 

Now, it sounds like this office is kind of a free-wheeling place as far as flirting goes, the OP's crush is actually "smaller-than-small" and completely innocent, and the co-worker in question is actually a chronic flirter, doing it with many women in the office (who respond in kind, it sounds like) which makes any "connection" between him and the OP seem not-so-special any more.

 

What's the issue again?

 

 

 

There is personality, and there is behavior. They are separate things.

 

Personality is who you are and how you think and feel.

 

Behavior is things you do. You can CHOOSE not to flirt with this guy. It's on you.

 

Hello?! Personality and behaviour are exactly the same - do you think somebody's personality has no influence over their behaviour? A flirty nature goes hand-in-hand with being an outgoing, fun person. There aren't any "choices" to make, because she's just being herself.

Oh... So there are no choices to make about how to behave, say at a funeral? Just be yourself? Or in church, or in line at the bank, or in your kids' classroom? Or at the office?

 

Sorry, but part of growing up to be an adult is learning to moderate your behavior appropriate to the environment you are in. So no, you don't flirt with the altar boys in church, you don't knock over the pen holder on the receptionist's desk at the funeral home or stick a "You're ugly" note on her computer screen. You learn to make choices about how to behave in different situations. That's part of living in the world and being an adult, and it doesn't preclude you from having your own, unique personality, it just means that you don't have to wear it on the outside at every moment, nor should you claim that it's out of your control to recognize and implement behaviors appropriate to different situations.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thanks for a thoughtful post, but you came off the rails with this comment. Flirting is mostly just harmless fun. As I said earlier, women do it all the time to get what they want, and not for a second do they have sexual interest in the parties they are flirting with. You have a lot to learn about women.

 

Don't be stupid. It isn't just about what SHE thinks. It's also about what this other guy thinks too. When distilled down to its essence, flirting basically is about showing sexual interest. If you don't get that then you have a lot to learn about Humans.

 

Do I believe that IHNFC has carnal desires for this guy? Not really. I think she likes the fact that he seems to want her. It's nice to be wanted right?

 

Bottom line... when she flirts back she is saying "Im interested", whether she actually is or is not... I don't care.

[Dumbledore]

When you flirt with the SAME person day after day, that's indicating sexual interest.

No way - it's just harmless fun. Being playful is a common way to interact, and it's a great way to make the day more interesting. You can flirt, and still keep things completely professional. It's a simple matter of knowing when it's appropriate, and when it's not. The OP's situation seems to indicate nothing more than an appropriate level of playfulness and flirting. It's a completely natural outlet for those with an outgoing and friendly personality.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Tossing a flirtatious comment to a cop, the doorman, the waiter, a guy on a plane, is fun and innocent.

 

If the flirting is disingenuous does that not seem manipulative? That is the opposite of fun and innocent.

 

Why flirt with someone you don't find attractive?

[Trimmer]

Thanks for a thoughtful post, but you came off the rails with this comment. Flirting is mostly just harmless fun.

...and what's the remainder? Sexual interest. Maybe that balance is different for different people - perhaps even vanishingly small in some women, as you claim - but sexual interest is the very basis of flirting.

 

Even if, as you claim:

women do it all the time to get what they want, and not for a second do they have sexual interest in the parties they are flirting with.

... the point is that even if one party is "using" flirting strictly for maniuplation, they are still exploiting the sexual interest of the other party to accomplish their goal.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Lighthearted flirting with someone of disinterest, doesn't usually generate a thread for validation. If this is something harmless, there would be no need to share it. You'd just forget about it except at the time it's happening.

 

(Sorry) But this one was so spot-on I thought it was worth the bump.

[MindoverMatter]

From how you describe it, I don't think that the flirting is bad or something you need to stop. However, the keeping it hidden from your husband might be. Why not share some of the funny stories, tell him how it is in the office. If he has a problem with it, then this is what you will have to talk about. And that's good. Because this is what a marriage is supposed to be: letting the other person be a part of your life, facing difficulties and overcoming them together.

[Trimmer]

From how you describe it, I don't think that the flirting is bad or something you need to stop. However, the keeping it hidden from your husband might be. Why not share some of the funny stories, tell him how it is in the office. If he has a problem with it, then this is what you will have to talk about.

Yes, actually we expect he would thank the guy (reference here...) so why not share it?

 

Because this is what a marriage is supposed to be: letting the other person be a part of your life, facing difficulties and overcoming them together.

...and understanding each other's boundaries, so things like this don't become surprises and problems.

[Dumbledore]

(Sorry) But this one was so spot-on I thought it was worth the bump.

This is not about validation or enablement. It's a simple question, which some posters have, unfortunately, internalised too much.

Bumpity bump.

[JamesM]

As long as your husband has no problem with you flirting with this man, then it is okay. But if you are keeping it from him, then it is not.

 

Flirting is always harmless fun...if we do it. When someone does it to our wives or husbands, then most of us do not consider it harmless.

 

All of us have crushes on other people while married. How we handle those feelings is what makes the difference between a strong commitment to our spouses or a lack of commitment to our spouses.

 

As I always say, ask your husband. If he says it does not bother him, then you are good to go.

[lkjh]

Just a few quick pointers.

 

1st. As a guy I know this game really well. When you mention your husband, and continue to flirt you are sending a different message than you intend. He more than likely takes this to mean that you don't respect your husband. Why? Because guys focus on respect, power and hierarchy. Flirting is showing sexual interest in someone, so when you have a man and show sexual interest in another guy that makes it clear you don't respect your current man.

 

2nd point. This is just a really small thing at the moment. It's almost not worth making a thread over, however you seem to crave the attention. The danger in this situation is that you become attached to the attention this guy provides. Right now you don't have to do anything to encourage it, but how are you going to react when he decides to flirt with another girl in the office more than you? Many women will try to get that attention back, which will deepen the crush. If he is smart, he will work you like this. Just something for you to consider.

 

Exactly! You may take it innocently but it doesn't mean he does. Second flirting is not your personality, you do have control over it. By saying you don't have control you are avoiding responsibility.

[lkjh]

Because obviously this is her first marriage and first time having a crush on someone while married. She wanted other people's thoughts on this and also wanted to know if anyone else has had crushes while married.

 

How many marriages does she need to get it right?jk

 

Dumbledore, Don't you see that this isn't just about what she thinks. It is also about how the other guy takes it. She already stated that he may have feelings for her. Do you think its ok to flirt with someone and lead them on when you know they may like you? Im sorry but when I flirt with girls, I mean it. Maybe you are different but the point is that there are people who take it seriously.

[lkjh]

Ihavenofreakinclue, After reading your responses it seems like you are trying to minimize this. It has when from flirting with a guy that likes you to simply just knocking pens over. Earlier you said you needed to show him your ring at times and now you are making it out to be nothing. Is it possible that you are trying to justify yourself after reading peoples responses?