I have a small crush on someone...and Im married

[Trialbyfire]

More danger signs of potentially entering an affair, using external validation for internal unhappiness:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1875376&postcount=1

 

Thread header reads "Mu husband Thinks I might be depressed"

If you all dont know my situation, I moved from Jersey to Long island. A long distance relationship that worked...got married and Ive been here for 3 years now.

I get fits every once in a while about how I have no good friends and I miss Jersey. Crying fits.

So he suggested I go see a Psychiatrist. Just to talk to someone to get to the bottom of my problem.

The thing is I don't want to go back to Jersey. I'm a different person now and None of my friends changed. Still immature

What do you all this

Do I talk to someone. I made an appt with a therapist but Im afraid shes gonna say oh you need this med and this med. I dont want to numb my problem, I want to fix them.

Input would be helpful! Thanks all!

[Dumbledore]

The title of this thread is....

 

"I have a small crush on someone...and Im married."

 

If this is fun and innocent, then why the title and why the thread?

Because the mass media portrays marriage as such a picture of perfection, that having both a schoolgirl crush and a husband would simply be unthinkable!

 

In reality, these feelings are completely normal. She loves her husband, and would never do anything to bring her vows into question.

 

It's a pop culture thing. Sometimes we all need a little reassurance that we are not alone.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

More danger signs of potentially entering an affair, using external validation for internal unhappiness:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1875376&postcount=1

 

That has nothing to do with this...That issue was because I left my home....the place Ive lived in for 21 years.....these 2 threads have nothing in common....

I'm going to ignore the rest of your posts

[quankanne]

In reality, these feelings are completely normal. She loves her husband, and would never do anything to bring her vows into question.

 

yep. It doesn't sound like she's contemplating an affair or even running out of the marriage, just having a bit of a harmless (from her end of things) crush on someone she works with.

 

and for her to recognize that it could get out of hand shows that she isn't a bonehead about how the other person is responding – she knows where the boundaries are and is making damned well sure they don't get crossed. Entiendes?

[norajane]

I was simply asking if this normal in married women

 

It's normal in any woman. Being married, or committed to a partner, doesn't mean your senses shut down and you never notice other people. There are a lot of great people out there and throughout your lifetime, you will notice them.

 

If you're married, however, you certainly should not act on those crushes, or encourage them. And some guys are easily encouraged, even if you think you're not doing anything but being friendly.

 

The warnings here are that it's easy to allow things to get out of hand, to give the wrong impression, and to even allow your crush to turn into an infatuation and an emotional affair. If you are really loving the attention from this guy and start to look forward to it, then you're getting your ego stroked at the expense of your husband. Before it gets to that point, you should back off and shut him down before he gets the wrong impression and tries to increase the flirting, and before you get sucked into it.

 

Why is that advice so hard for you to take? If it's nothing, there's no reason to get defensive. Just accept it all as a word of warning, that's all.

[Trialbyfire]

Emotions tend to be tied together in who we are and the actions we choose to take. When someone is unhappy, they will address life in different ways, reliant on internal and external stimulation.

 

Everyone has an internal cup. If that cup is full and brimming with love and happiness, we don't look elsewhere. If the cup is half empty or empty, some people refill from within, others refill by looking for external validation.

[Trimmer]

IHNFC : I think your feelings are probably normal (just a guess, never having been a married woman myself ) and I accept without further proof that you are dedicated to your marriage, and not sliding toward a torrid affair.

 

My only point is to help put your own feelings about the flirting into the context of your marriage. You did ask about the flirting and your marriage in the same breath - forgive us for reading just a little more into your answer that "I just wanted to know if it's normal..."

 

And the best way I can suggest for you to put it into context and relate it to your own marriage is to ask what if you brought it up with your husband. And although Dumbledore has been speaking for the other side a lot here, I'm not suggesting (as he has spoken to) that you drag your husband to work for the purpose of saving the damsel in distress, or even that you sit him down at an appointed time to have "A Major Talk about an Important Subject..."

 

I'm talking about, if you're chatting about your day at work, and bringing up all the fun little incidental stuff that couples talk about and share with each other about their day, could you and would you bring it up, with the same, incidental texture as when you assert that it is, in reality, just meaningless fun and a way to pass the day.

 

I don't even want you to answer, because I'm not looking to be "right" or convince you of my position. I'm saying truly think about it yourself, and be honest with yourself. If you would bring it up, don't prove it to me, prove it to yourself. If you won't, you don't owe me an answer, you owe it to yourself: why not? Is it only harmless if your husband doesn't know about it?

[quankanne]

If that cup is full and brimming with love and happiness, we don't look elsewhere. If the cup is half empty or empty, some people refill from within, others refill by looking for external validation.

 

can't say I completely agree with that theory – I'm pretty secure in my marriage, but I'm not immune to ignoring the chemical attraction to someone other than my husband. It doesn't mean I'm trying to self-validate or skank around, just that another is capable of my making my engine race. And a lot of the time, it's plain old NICE knowing that part of me is still working. Not because I don't love my husband, but because it means I'm still alive in every sense of the word.

[hamlet]

i don't think that what you are doing is harmless. . .and like countless others before me, i ask you, why the thread if YOU didn't think that either.

but i wonder, too, how are things with your husband? do you need more "flirting time" with him? are things good in the bedroom? do you need to feel sexy or something with him? maybe you are missing what you had before, in the earlier years? maybe you need to have more fun with your husband? more "date" time? just a thought.

[Dumbledore]

I don't even want you to answer, because I'm not looking to be "right" or convince you of my position.

That's refreshing. And I do understand that you're trying to help the OP.

– I'm pretty secure in my marriage, but I'm not immune to ignoring the chemical attraction to someone other than my husband. It doesn't mean I'm trying to self-validate or skank around, just that another is capable of my making my engine race. And a lot of the time, it's plain old NICE knowing that part of me is still working. Not because I don't love my husband, but because it means I'm still alive in every sense of the word.

Exactly. I don't think that "shutting down" elements of one's natural personality is a good thing. Life isn't black-and-white, it needs to be lived in full color.

[Trialbyfire]

can't say I completely agree with that theory – I'm pretty secure in my marriage, but I'm not immune to ignoring the chemical attraction to someone other than my husband. It doesn't mean I'm trying to self-validate or skank around, just that another is capable of my making my engine race. And a lot of the time, it's plain old NICE knowing that part of me is still working. Not because I don't love my husband, but because it means I'm still alive in every sense of the word.

There are quick attractions, light flirting at work and there are crushes. Would you open up a thread about a crush who is "heavily flirting" with you?

 

This is playing with matches. Spark to dry grass, when someone is unhappy in their life.

[HappyAtLast]

after reading this threat I come away with the impression that the original poster protests just a bit too much for there not to be some nerve hit.

[Trimmer]

and for her to recognize that it could get out of hand shows that she isn't a bonehead about how the other person is responding – she knows where the boundaries are and is making damned well sure they don't get crossed. Entiendes?

I agree that a recognition that this kind of situation could get out of hand would be reassuring (even if she just realized it could get out of hand on his side only...) but hasn't she pretty much asserted that there's no way it could get out of hand? While she started out saying his feelings were "more" than a crush, she seemed to back way off that later (he does it with everyone, it's just meaningless fun,) and she hasn't shown that she believes that Mr. FCW could be drawn deeper into it, or be encouraged by her demure denials...

 

I guess my question is - and I'm trying to be collaborative about this, not adversarial - did she say somewhere that she recognized the danger of it getting out of hand?

[Dumbledore]

There are quick attractions, light flirting at work and there are crushes. Would you open up a thread about a crush who is "heavily flirting" with you?

 

This is playing with matches. Spark to dry grass, when someone is unhappy in their life.

Go-Go-Gadget Internalisation!

 

Merely opening up a thread does not constitute an admission of guilt!!!! This is heavy-handed stuff, indeed.

and for her to recognize that it could get out of hand shows that she isn't a bonehead about how the other person is responding – she knows where the boundaries are and is making damned well sure they don't get crossed.

Couldn't have said it nearly as goodly.

[Dumbledore]

the original poster protests just a bit too much

A natural response to all the goading from those who insist on bringing unresolved issues into the mix. Internalisation does not make for objective discussion. If you were being heckled with phrases like "Prove me wrong!" I dare say you wouldn't be taking it up the arse quietly.

[HappyAtLast]

most likely I would. And I would be looking inside of myself to find out what exactly the truth of the matter really is and why I feel the need to defend myself. That is the value in these boards, being truthful with yourself. What others think should be of no consequence nor worthy of defense.

[Dumbledore]

most likely I would.

Duly noted.

[carhill]

Having a crush or finding another person attractive is normal. Acting on that crush or facilitating reciprocation by the other person (we're now moving away from feelings into behaviors) if one is married is a whole different can of worms.

 

OP, your behavior with this man is sending signals out all over the office. Are there other men there? Just be aware. Our behaviors have consequences, and often they cannot be anticipated. Enjoy the attention but be aware.

 

If you and your H have a good laugh over the "loony flirting with me at work", and he sends you signals of understanding, trust and support, then you can look to him with confidence and enjoy those interesting moments of laughter and intrigue out in the world.

 

Imagine your H being the man in this thread and being "friendly" with all the ladies in his office. Harmless, right? A lot of fun, right? I've been him, and it is. The key is my wife is the priority and she gets the best of me. When that (her being the priority) stopped, the behaviors became an EA. Be watchful

[lkjh]

I agree with what TBF has been saying. To add I think the original poster keeps changing and minimizing things. It seems like you are trying to make it look innocent. One second you say the two of you barely flirt and next you say he "lays it on thick".

[Dumbledore]

To add I think the original poster keeps changing and minimizing things.

I don't see that at all. What I do see is a lot of people jumping to conclusions.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

I agree with what TBF has been saying. To add I think the original poster keeps changing and minimizing things. It seems like you are trying to make it look innocent. One second you say the two of you barely flirt and next you say he "lays it on thick".

 

HE lays it on thick...not me...its innocent on my end. I never initiate anything.

[lkjh]

HE lays it on thick...not me...its innocent on my end. I never initiate anything.

 

Look all Im saying is that if you have to justify it and its a secret it is wrong. Its not there yet but it is close to a EA

[lkjh]

I don't see that at all. What I do see is a lot of people jumping to conclusions.

 

if you havent noticed, you are the only one with a different opinion. Its almost like you are the OM trying to convince her this is all ok.

[lkjh]

HE lays it on thick...not me...its innocent on my end. I never initiate anything.

 

The original post I did say HE. The point I was trying to make was that one minute you say the two flirt next you say its not really flirting.

 

Also it doesnt matter who starts it. The two of you are flirting, you even said this in your original post

[jasminetea]

HE lays it on thick...not me...its innocent on my end. I never initiate anything.

 

But you're not doing anything to stop him. You know that showing your ring (I presume you meant your wedding ring not any other 'ring' ) won't stop him, but you're not trying any other sort of prevention.

 

You may say your side is innocent (however, I suspect your thread would be more 'Ewwww, this guy at work keeps flirting with me, how best to tell him to shove it', and less 'I like the attention, please tell me its ok so I can continue to egg him on', if it was) but your lack of action in this matter is clearly encouraging him and therefore far from innocent.