'inappropriate emotional attachement' - what does that mean?

[birdie]

I tend to read carhill's posts because I like how he thinks and he made a reference to the phrase 'inappropriate emotional attachments'. What does that mean?

 

the context was that apparently it's the common view on LS that people should rely for all their emotional support and needs on their SO (I completely disagree with that) and that some think it is inappropriate to form opposite-sex friendships while already in the relationship with this SO

 

apparently even discussing relationship/emotional needs/etc with same-sex friends can be just as wrong if that conversation is not disclosed to the partner. this is what I think the phrase in the title refers to

 

would somebody explain please?

[Trimmer]

...apparently it's the common view on LS that people should rely for all their emotional support and needs on their SO (I completely disagree with that)

I don't know if you can designate that as "THE" common view on LS... It may be "a" common view, or "a view", but as you've precisely stated it here, it's not my view. Mine is something close, however it has a notable difference.

 

I agree that to rely on your partner for ALL your needs isn't realistic - I think you used the term "claustrophobic" in another thread. I believe both partners need to be whole, independent people who decide to create something - this relationship - together, but that doesn't preclude seeking activities, hobbies, supportive friends, and other potentially emotionally nurturing things outside that relationship nucleus.

 

However, I do believe that certain emotional needs, intimacies, and so on should be reserved for inside the relationship boundary only, and that the boundary should not be broken in search of meeting these needs. An example that I think most people would agree on is sex and physical intimacy. For most people, it goes without saying that these should be held within the domain of the relationship only, and that seeking satisfaction of these needs/desires outside the relationship is widely accepted as not just inappropriate but a full blown betrayal.

 

Now there's a wide range of other things that can be lumped into "emotional needs." We could make a whole list, some of which you already mentioned: talking about your existing relationship/emotional needs, talking about problems with your relationship and emotional needs, having opposite-sex friends, having opposite-sex friends with whom you talk about problems with your relationship, hobbies, sports activities, partying/dancing/drinking/socializing, just "hanging out," studying together academically, going to cultural events, socializing for business purposes, and on and on and on.....

 

How do you decide which ones should be reserved within the domain of the "relationship only" and which ones are fair game to seek and do outside? I think you can't ask outside your relationship: "Is this wrong?" I think you have to talk about it inside the relationship. Discuss... negotiate... acknowledge that there is a thing called The Relationship, define its boundaries, and agree on what works for both of you. Compromise if necessary, negotiate where required, but there has to be some kind of agreement within the relationship - the two of you have to agree where the boundaries are - because without that, you have no common roadmap, and certainly nobody's opinion that you read on the internet is going to make any difference if you come to a point of disagreement.

 

So your questions about what is and is not appropriate can't just be answered precisely, any more than "inappropriate emotional attachment" can be strictly defined as a checklist of "DOs" and "DON'Ts" in a way that you can measure against your behavior, because it all depends on where your relationship boundaries are. And if you don't know those, or you and your partner don't agree, then that's your first problem, isn't it?

 

So, if you have a sufficient understanding with your partner about where the relationship boundaries will be, then you won't have to ask "what's OK and what's inappropriate" as that will already be defined by you both, or, having opened that dialog, it's something you ask your partner, not folks on the internet. I'm not saying it's not OK to discuss and share opinions and ideas - like, "what works for you?" - but don't think you will get an objective answer as to what the boundaries of your relationship are, by asking outside. Those answers come from inside the relationship.

 

If you do have to go outside to ask what is OK and what is inappropriate, then I'm guessing you don't have a mutual understanding of those boundaries within the relationship. You may have your own ideas of what works for you, but probably don't know if they match your partner's. That's potentially a danger area, and that's why you can't get a single objective answer to "Is this behavior OK?"

 

Now given all that, I will say that a major danger sign is that if you are doing something that you choose to keep from your partner, because you believe your partner would not approve. Isn't that a tacit admission that you understand that your boundaries do not match those of your partner, and that there's a good chance that you've stepped over your partner's boundaries?

 

Isn't that a problem on several levels?

[norajane]

To me, inappropriate emotional attachment means you have grown to feel more for this person than "just a friend". They're someone you are transferring your affections to, and are attracted to (whether you want to admit it to yourself or not).

 

Which would all be fine and well, except when you are supposedly committed to your spouse or partner.

 

When your feelings for someone else and your relationship with them takes something away from your relationship with your spouse, or lessens your affection for your spouse, then it's inappropriate.

[Ronni_W]

'inappropriate emotional attachments'. What does that mean?

In this context, "inappropriate" can be defined as the opposite of whatever is accepted as "normal" or "average".

So, a relationship that is based on neediness instead of love can also be deemed to have an unhealthy emotional bond.

 

It's a generic term that can be applied to any type of relationship -- a 10-year old who freaks out when mom moves out of sight will be displaying an inappropriate emotional attachment.

 

As Trimmer points out, in adult-to-adult relationships (romantic or platonic), the two define for themselves what is appropriate or inappropriate, acceptable or unacceptable.

Merely talking with others about one's relationship, or own emotional needs, or whatever, does not prove anything "inappropriate". We'd need to also explore intentions, desires, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, etc.

 

IMO, people are perfectly capable of having perfectly appropriate, emotionally intimate (open, honest) relationships with members of the opposite sex, and it does not mean that physical intimacy will be the inescapable conclusion.

OTOH, those who do not trust their own self-management skills tend to say that no one can withstand such "temptation"...they globalize their individual weakness, or may project it only onto their own partner.

[birdie]

 

Now given all that, I will say that a major danger sign is that if you are doing something that you choose to keep from your partner, because you believe your partner would not approve. Isn't that a tacit admission that you understand that your boundaries do not match those of your partner, and that there's a good chance that you've stepped over your partner's boundaries?

 

Isn't that a problem on several levels?

 

thank you for this response, it's very comprehensive and I agree with pretty much all of it.

 

I suppose the only comment I would make to the paragraph above that it depends on what it is that you choose not to disclose and why. let's say you have a partner that gets jealouse of your friends he doesn't know but you are in contact with. do you keep chatting to them online or give them up because of your partner's insecurities? you can't just say 'oh it doesn't do any harm' because clearly you are betraying his trust when he specifically states this kind of behaviour bothers him and yet you continue behind his back.

 

that opens up a whole pandora's box. I believe we all keep things from our partners, many we will think of as something quite small and harmless that would upset the SO nevertheless. I must admit I can't picture myself chatting to someone on a regular basis and NEVER mentioning him to the man I live with. However, if a male colleague made a pass at me at work, I would turn him down of course, yet would never say anything at home because I would class that as insignificant/causing more trouble than it's worth/upset my partner's male pride/etc.

 

I am not convinced that everything is up for discussion and I think sometimes you have to use your judgement.

[birdie]

To me, inappropriate emotional attachment means you have grown to feel more for this person than "just a friend". They're someone you are transferring your affections to, and are attracted to (whether you want to admit it to yourself or not).

 

Which would all be fine and well, except when you are supposedly committed to your spouse or partner.

 

When your feelings for someone else and your relationship with them takes something away from your relationship with your spouse, or lessens your affection for your spouse, then it's inappropriate.

 

yes I agree.

[birdie]

IMO, people are perfectly capable of having perfectly appropriate, emotionally intimate (open, honest) relationships with members of the opposite sex, and it does not mean that physical intimacy will be the inescapable conclusion.

OTOH, those who do not trust their own self-management skills tend to say that no one can withstand such "temptation"...they globalize their individual weakness, or may project it only onto their own partner.

 

I agree. I also think that the more people you meet - especially from different walks of life - the more you realise how complex they are and how much they contribute to your life. that appreciation pushes these kind of insecurities to the back of your mind.

[Trimmer]

I suppose the only comment I would make to the paragraph above that it depends on what it is that you choose not to disclose and why.

I agree.

 

let's say you have a partner that gets jealouse of your friends he doesn't know but you are in contact with. do you keep chatting to them online or give them up because of your partner's insecurities? you can't just say 'oh it doesn't do any harm' because clearly you are betraying his trust when he specifically states this kind of behaviour bothers him and yet you continue behind his back.

Again, I agree, and this fits with my points, because you are exceeding a boundary that he has stated. Not that you can't discuss that boundary, negotiate it, try to convince him to alter the boundary, but absent that, if it's his expectation and you break that boundary, you've got a problem that needs solving.

 

that opens up a whole pandora's box. I believe we all keep things from our partners, many we will think of as something quite small and harmless that would upset the SO nevertheless. I must admit I can't picture myself chatting to someone on a regular basis and NEVER mentioning him to the man I live with. However, if a male colleague made a pass at me at work, I would turn him down of course, yet would never say anything at home because I would class that as insignificant/causing more trouble than it's worth/upset my partner's male pride/etc.

I'm not sure this example presents that much of a dilemma, and here's why. When you turn down the man at work (I know we're talking a hypothetical here...), your behavior was a clear demonstration that you respected the same boundaries as your SO. So while your SO might indeed be upset at the fact of the co-worker making a pass, he should be quite satisfied with your response to it - with your behavior. So I tend to agree with you: there's probably no need to bring it up, because your behavior is in line with the boundaries that you and your SO both respect.

 

True also of the young man in the produce department who tries to flirt with you, the teller at the bank, etc... You can't prevent situations from being presented to you, but assuming your responses to these situations are consistent with respect for mutually agreeable boundaries, then you're keeping your commitment and respecting the relationship.

 

It's when your behavior itself steps outside the boundary, and you're hiding something from your SO to avoid revealing that that I think you get into the danger zone.

[Meaplus3]

'inappropriate emotional attachments'. What does that mean?

 

 

 

IMO, It means that one has developed a strong emotional bond with someone else and most often it has crossed the line from a platonic friendship to a romantic intrest. When this happens, the relationship is heading towards an Emotional Affair... an affair of the heart. Now, when this happens to someone who has an SO.. IMO they are now cheating. Perhaps not with their body but with their mind. Just my thoughts.

 

Mea:)

[birdie]

True also of the young man in the produce department who tries to flirt with you, the teller at the bank, etc... You can't prevent situations from being presented to you, but assuming your responses to these situations are consistent with respect for mutually agreeable boundaries, then you're keeping your commitment and respecting the relationship.

 

It's when your behavior itself steps outside the boundary, and you're hiding something from your SO to avoid revealing that that I think you get into the danger zone.

 

yes I see that thanks. I'm putting up another thread shortly about something more personal. although I don't need advice, I'll be curious to read about similar experiences